It's still a wall ...

The quote of the week goes to my best friend:


No matter how pretty, how padded, how soft and inviting the wall is, when you're bashing your head against it, it's still a wall.


And yes, we were discussing men at the time.


Still no contact from S.  A couple of sources I trust, including my peer support person at OSISS, have independently recommended that I give him at least a month to process on his own before I reach out.  Two weeks have now passed, and the next 2 are going to be equally long, I fear.  


I miss him.  Every single day.  But I cannot control his actions; I cannot force him to talk to me, or to even deal with this.  I just need to accept what is.

Perspective ... (Trifecta Wk 15)

After gentle prompting from karen, I have decided to participate in the Trifecta Writing Challenge.  


This week's prompt was: 
fool 
noun \ˈfül\

3  a : a harmlessly deranged person or one lacking in common powers of understanding 

I chose to focus on the second half of the definition given.  Please, let me know your thoughts.

I lie here, curled in my bed, tail tucked over my nose, watching and listening to the two-legs that live with me.

They think that because I don't speak their language, I don't understand. I think that because I don't speak their language, I understand more than they do.

Fools.

I see their body language. I hear the subtle undertones in the words they speak to one another. I hear what they are really saying. They don't see that, or pretend they don't. In truth, I think their shared spoken language causes them to misunderstand each other more often than not.

Fools.

They think my love is simple. I think they make their love more complicated than it needs to be. Love simply is.

Fools.

Trying not to hermit ...

Still no contact from S ...  59 hours with no contact, not that I'm counting or anything.  Since he came home from the sand, we haven't spent one day without touching base at least twice.  I feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something; this can't be real.


I e-mailed a few close friends, told them the bare bones, and said I didn't want to talk about it. I would likely cry, although there is the possibility of saying something rude that I don't really mean as well.


I alternate between putting a bitter and sarcastic, or absolutely sad and pathetic, quote on Facebook, then deleting it again within 5 minutes. I have moments when I want to delete my account completely and never talk to anyone again.  I have been working from home instead of the office, partly because I don't want to talk to anyone, and partly because I am still randomly bursting into tears over unknown triggers. At one point I realized I hadn't even bothered opening the blinds ...


I am trying to understand what happened, and I still can't.  One friend has referred to it as a temper tantrum, and that has elements of the truth.  Another friend (also a PTSD wife) has reassured me that this is common in folks with PTSD, the gut reaction of anger over being told something that they knew deep down was true, but didn't want to face.  They assure me he will come around ... but they don't know him.  I am not so sure.


If he is keeping his regular schedule, his appointment with mental health would have been yesterday.  I was hoping that I might hear from him last night ... but nothing.  


I find myself checking my e-mail less often, because I don't want to be disappointed.  When I do see that I have new messages, and they are not from him, I feel crushed all over again.


How did I let myself get so tied up in him that I am so lost without him? I thought I'd promised myself not to do that again ...


The only thing that is letting me keep it together right now is that I don't regret naming the elephant, I don't regret naming the truth that we both knew.  I truly, truly regret the way it turned out, though.

Flying solo ...

S formally severed all ties with me last night.


He feels my naming the truth was a betrayal of him; he was happy ignoring what we both knew to be true, and resents the fact I forced him to deal with it.


I am very disappointed in how he has reacted, hurt by a number of the things he said and accused me of ( what I 'really' meant by some of my replies when I tried to explain) and the first bubbles of anger are starting.


I don't know how much of it will show up here.  Right now, more than anything, I feel totally defeated.


Red was here for the weekend and got to witness part of it.  She messaged me this morning and said "Don't worry, things will get better", and the only reply I could think of was "Don't tempt fate".


So my goal today, is to get through it without messing anything else up.


aside to Karen @ Muttering ~ based on recent drama, this may or may not be a good week for me to play with the Trifecta Writing Challenge, given this week's topic ...

I screwed up ...

Something happened with S that caused me to spill my guts and push for clarification on our relationship, to push him way past where he is comfortable ... and as a result the relationship is irrevocably changed, and may not even be able to continue as a friendship.


I may have lost my best friend.


I feel horrible.

The story so far ...

Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.

You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address.  I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...

Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.


On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address.  He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in.  She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".

I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.

S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info

{I did}

S: {Pause ...}  {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.

He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to.  I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him.  He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.

Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts.  So, I have been a little edgy lately.   The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file.  They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.

Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom.  The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).

I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's.  After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf. 

The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me.  The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)

I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this. 

As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.

Men in Uniform ...

Two volunteer fire fighters lost their lives in battle today in a community near where I grew up.

I am the daughter of a man that started as a prison guard and became a police officer; he also served as a volunteer fire fighter.  I am the ex of an Airman, the current of a Combat Soldier, and the friend to many in all uniforms.

My heart goes out to the families of these fallen, but also to all the wives and other loved ones who are comforted, yet still feeling guilty that they get to hold their fire fighter in their arms tonight, safe and sound. My heart goes out to those same people, who will wait with the heart a little higher in their throats the next few times the call goes out, until their loved one comes once more safe through the door.

Blessed be

Sunday Confessional

I would like to take today to clear up a little misconception that a number of people have about the relationship between Sebastian and I.  Then I am going to muse a little about why I hesitate to correct people when they make this assumption, why I feel slightly embarrassed.

When I go visit Sebastian, I sleep in the guest room.

That's right, we are not having sex.

People who know me well might need smelling salts right now, since I do admit that I have a "healthy appetite", and in previous relationships I have been fairly quick to jump into bed.  I am not saying that's why they failed, but I do think it may have affected my judgement, and definitely taken the "getting to know each other" phase down a different path.  I also have some things from my past that makes sex give a cretain flavour to my overall behaviour in a relationship.

For Sebastian's part, he admits he was "a bit of a tramp" when he was younger, and his marriage was, well ... odd right from the word go.  He didn't exactly go into it with his eyes wide open. He may have been distracted by other things.

We had a lot of time to talk, to get to know each other's personalities, learn how each other think, and share our hopes, dreams, issues, and morals while he was in the sandbox.  Despite the distance and logistical challenges, we actually managed to have many really, really great conversations. 

Since he has been home, we have spent a decent amount of time physically in each other's company, and text regularly through out the day, every day, including when I get up, coffee breaks, lunch, after work, and good night texts.  Heck, the boy even texted me the other day to tell me he was going to be a bit late getting home from work.  (We live 500 km apart.  What, did he expect me to keep supper warm??)

I admit there are times when the sexual tension in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife.  I cetainly occasionally let my mind wander to the "what if" stage.

For us, for both of us, this is the right way to proceed for now.  To be valued as a person, to really get to know a man I am not sleeping with, and have them like me anyway, is quite a new thing for me. To feel so solid in the fact that his love for me is based on who I am, not what he "gets from me" in a physical sense, has taken some getting used to. I think it is, to a degree at least, the same for him.


Sex will be the right thing to do at some point.  S has already said he won't "make the mistake again of marrying someone he hasn't lived with", and for both of us sex is an important part of a relationship.  A part, however, that neither of us is ready for at this point, mentally and emotionally.  Although I honestly think I have less baggage on this point than he does.

I don't think it makes us any less committed to each other.  I don't think it makes our relationship any less real, any less loving, or any less important to either one of us.

But it does, often, embarass me to admit it; because, I think in society's eyes, sex makes a relationship "real", gives it legitimacy.  I feel like I will be judged, that we will be judged, based on our choice.  I know I shouldn't care about that, but sometimes is is just easier to let people jump to their conculsions, and not correct them.

Interestingly, I have shared this little detail with a few other people before now, and two other military wives I shared it with both said that their early relationships with thier husbands followed the same path.  I don't know if this is another commonality to folks that wear the uniform*, or just a comonality in the people who seem to be ebcoming part of my social circle at this turn in my life.

*trust me, I know there are a lot of "tramps", male and female, in uniform as well

I have no doubts about what we have, and I know I shouldn't let the fear of other's judgements make me uncomfortable about the choice we have made. For the record, S is not embarassed at all, and will be quite blunt if asked.      Maybe this is my "practice run" at becoming more comfortable with being proud of our choice, as opposed to embarrassed. 


And please, those of you who throw the occasional innuendo into your comments, don't stop - they make me laugh, they don't make me uncomfortable.  I just wanted to be completely honest today on this topic.

But ... you're not him

I was at S's place this weekend, and Monday morning I was stretched out on the sofa watching him get dressed for work.

      ~ sigh ~

            Sorry, where was I?

      Oh ya.

So I am watching him get dressed, and he said to me "this must bring back some memories for you, watching a soldier get dressed for work in the morning.  The last soldier you watched get dressed in the morning was the Wolf"

(Honestly, the only memories I was having was the day when he was still in the sand and was getting dressed for his day while we were on web cam, him seemingly oblivious to the fact I was watching ... and I needed a cold shower after ...  shiver)

I responded to him in confusion, and said no, I wasn't having any "flashbacks", because "you're not him".  And I thanked him for thinking of it and being concerned. 

He stared at me for a minute, then laughed a little, and told me I was strange ...

Unfortunately, he had to go to work, and I had to head for home, so we didn't get to pursue the conversation.  I still think in his head he thinks I am comparing him to the Wolf, because they are both male and both soldiers I guess.  I don't know what, if anything, I can do to get him to understand that I know he is a different person, and I am not expecting him to do things the Wolf did.

Is it really that unusuall to be able to look past a person's clothing or physical appearance and see them as an individual? 

We have had variations on this conversation before - when he asked why I would ever want to get involved with another soldier, and I said I didn't see him or the Wolf as soldiers, they were people, and two different people.

I threw it back to him once, lovingly, reminding him that I was not his ex wife, and he shouldn't be afraid that I would react to something the same way she would have ... he didn't say anything to that, just wrapped me in his arms.

Hopefully, time will put this one to rest.

~~~~~~~~~

As a complete aside, I understand why men say they like watching their woman get dressed.  There is something very intimate about watching someone go about their routine of getting ready for their day.  Another happy memory for the memory bank.

For every action

there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I am a decent house keeper, but admit in the past I have sometimes left dishes in the sink for a day (or even 2).  I have always been fairly particular about my stove top being clean, however.

Living with other people has made what was a normal habit into a compulsion.

TW's daughters are not clean.  They leave dishes, food, condiments, fast food containers, etc in the kitchen, on the counter, in the living room, and in their rooms.  If the dishes and wrappers weren't clues enough, the stove top can be forensically analyzed to determine what they have cooked over the last few days.

I have tried various approaches to dealing with this.  Yelling had an immediate response, but no long term effect, and made me feel worse.  Logic and appealing to their ethics and morals got me that blank chicken stare I mentioned a few days ago.  I tried the reverse of the broken window theory - for a little more than 2 weeks I cleaned the kitchen twice a day, did all their dishes, thinking that if they got used to a clean kitchen they would keep it that way - nope.

My current approach is to wash all the dishes I use and put them away, almost immediately.  Prep dishes are done while meals are cooking, and if something needs to cool before being consumed dishes are done and the stove is cleaned while that happens.  I can't even leave something in the sink while I eat, it seems.  Like I said, it is almost becoming an obsession.

Unfortunately, the pool of clean dishes, pots, etc I have to draw from is ever dwindling.

Interestingly enough, I have been told that while I was away last week they actually cleaned the kitchen themselves twice.  But now that I am home, we are back to staus quo.

I am looking for a place to move in to.  I cannot handle this any more.  The disadvantages far outweigh any advantages for me.  I have told TW this, and she tried to change my mind, but I am sticking to my guns.

(And no, before any of you mention it, moving up to where Sebastian is posted is not currently an option, for a number of reasons.  Lovely thought, but not yet. He does, however, agree with me moving, and doesn't see how I stuck it out this long.)

Making room

This might be one of those posts that gets a little "out there" for some of you.  Head's up.

I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.

I started thinking about it in the "real" sense.  I have a queen size bed.  I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean.  And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.

With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.)  I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice.  I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.

While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?

Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.

While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.).  You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there.  So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.

And then they (you) come back.  And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things.  You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you.  The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.

Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree.  But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.

So I am conciously purging right now.  Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new".  Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively.  Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit. 

Different isn't bad

I used to have a lovely poem about differences or diversity, and how just because my life, my choices, might be different that yours, that does not make them "bad".

With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.

Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:

"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"

To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.

I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.

Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.

When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.

My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.

more "Emotional" thoughts

So as predicted, Sebastian, being the type of dude that he is, got my "you know I am here for you and I support you" e-mail and responded with an "OK ... yes, thank you, I am secure in that ... what's happened to trigger this?" type e-mail.  He said he was secure in my support of him, and asked if there was maybe someone else I felt the need to send that message to, someone who I felt doubted my support. (yep, he knows I am at my parents house this weekend)

I gave him the briefest gloss of background on the other situation, told him my response there, and then my longer brain-puke here, and the comments I got (both the initial one from anonymous and the following messages of support).  I indicated that I was compensating for someone else, feeling bad for a soldier whose name I didn't even know... and in reality, was likely trying to send a message to that soldier, and using Sebastian as a surrogate.

He responded that however noble it was, I shouldn't feel personally responsible for the happiness and mental security of every deployed military member (Whhaaaaat??  I can't save the world single handedly?  Come on!)

He reassured me that he knew how dedicated I was, not just to him, but the the forces at large, past and present, and that my marital status did not reflect my degree of dedication or involvement, nor did any label on my relationship with him.  He knew that my history with the Wolf, and the degree of background and knowledge on things CF related, did indeed give me a certain perspective ... although really, everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions.

And that "touchy MilWives going through thier own shit and lashing out at me" would do so regardless of my martial status.  He has very direct first hand knowledge of whether a ring or a wedding certificate are indications of levels of support.

He knows my reality.  He knows my background.  He knows what I do, my volunteer work, etc.  And he supports me as much as I support him.

So Anonymous, if you are still reading, I thank you for asking me to examine my thoughts and feelings, and for giving me the opportunity to have an open, honest, frank discussion with Sebastian about some things.  All in all, I have to say it has ended up as a positive experience.

To everyone who supported me here and elsewhere, thank you for your support.

And for those of you who are not privy to the other board, I am also very please to relay that the woman who was in distress has had some time to process her feelings, and is working through things WITH her husband.  Which in my book, is a very good thing, and I wish them all the best.  Truly.

Date nerves on steriods ....

OMG.

We have a "firm" date that Sebastian should be home on leave, and it is coming up in that awful/wonderful fast/slow way these things do.

I need to loose weight.
I need to clean my house.
I need to get a bunch of work stuff done so I can take off for a while.
I need him in front of me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I can touch him and know he's OK.

*breathe*

OK

This is like first date anxiety times 10.  Most of my "relationship" with Sebastian has been on MSN and web cam.  Admittedy, he has seen me on web cam looking pretty horrid - in my PJ's, fresh out of the shower and un-groomed; after a workout, hair in a pony and needing a shower .... but OMG, to be with him.

I know he is not going to care, that our friendship/relationship is not based on how hot I look (or don't), but still, my tummy is all butterflies right now ...

*breathe*

I know, like a lot of things, the anticipation is stressful, and once the event gets here ... as soon as I touch him ... everything will be fine.

I just have to make it until then

*breathe*

There are a couple of things going on right now that make this reunion a bit more important, and a bit more loaded.  Things I can't talk about right now, but things that are on both our minds, things that I am sure will work out for the best, it is just not obvious right now what "the best" is, or how sucky the trip there is going to be.

*breathe*

Fall Leaves

One of the things I have been doing for Sebastian since he has been gone is to pick leaves off maple trees and press them, and send them to him.  (Shhhh, don't tell CFIA - this is likely, technically, illegal!)  When they are away in a place that doesn't give them the rhythm of the changing seasons, it is another nice little connection to home.

I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card.  I continued as the leaves matured and grew.  Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.

I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow. 

And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack.  What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees??  I can't press snowflakes!  I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).

What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?

Modern Communication: The double edged sword.

I had been thinking for a while, and Coffey raised the point, regarding how different modern MilSpouses have it, compared to the communications that WWI and WWII wives/parents had.

Sattelite phones.  Video calls.  E-mail.  MSN.  Blogs.  FaceBook.  Canada Post outlets on bases, mail service and parcel service through the forces.

If we need to make a decision on something, need to talk something over, bounce an idea off our partner, we can.  We get regular reassurance that they are safe, well, alive.

Until it stops.

Spouses in the day of snail-mail only knew that they were holding the fort on their own.  They knew that they had to be mom & dad, make those decisions with whatever support network they had in place.  They didn't expect letters, and were, I am guessing, happy when they did get one.  A lack of communication didn't make the dark nights any darker. No news was, often, good news.

I am not in any way saying that I would give up all the communication and contact that we have available to us. Not on your life.

But when that communication stops, a small part of me wonders if, without that expectation of contact, my mind and heart would be more at ease.

I understand that the reality of his job means he will be out of communication from time to time. My brain knows that.  My heart resents it.

So I snuggle with my bear, and send him positive thoughts, send him my love.  I know he can feel it across the miles.  I know we have that connection, that he gets random warm fuzzies from me, and it gives me some comfort as well.

If you haven't picked up on it, no, I haven't had any contact with him yet.

(PS ~ No, none of the pics yesterday were of me, but they suited my mood)

Post it note Tuesday

I need to put this one on my mirror ... as do a few other spouses I know ...

The Pic ...

I am sorry for the teaser in my last post, but OpSec is ingrained too deeply into me to let me post the picture ... he is in full gear, and there are not a lot of identifying features, but still ... I just can't. Maybe when he is back in Canada, safe, I can share it some day. I wrestled with it, and came here to do it, but I just can't.

I did mention I have OCPD, didn't I? You can add to that my dad was a prison guard who became a cop, and my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian ... I have this thing about rules ...

~~~~~~~~

I did just have a lovely 1 1/2 hour MSN chat with Sebastian. He seems in good spirits, and he is doing well. Two of his boys had a very close call the other night, found an IED the hard way, but no one was injured, so its all good.

It is obviously concerning that the casualty rate is increasing, as it always does in the summer. I have to have faith that he is well trained, and smart, and damn good at what he does.

Mentally he seems in a better place than just before he left. He is talking about things he wants to do when he gets home, things he wants to get ( a pug, for example ).

He has also bought himself a helmet camera, so I look forward to some video. I asked him to please not send my any videos of camel spiders; he said no worries, they only come out at night and he didn't get the night vision package. I soooooo did not need to know that camel spiders are nocturnal. Seriously, I could have happily lived my entire life without knowing that.

~~~~~~~~~

And in a true act of randomness, the Wolf messaged me out of the blue the other day, and has been commenting on my Face Book and other forms of contact again. The last time he started a conversation with me was early December.

He was finally responding to my request for "a couple of words to let me know he was OK" after the news reports of the rocket attacks on KAF.

His opening line? "You worry too much"

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~

My silly season at work is OVER , so I hope to be back to being a more regular blogger.

Take care of yourselves, my friends.

In my head

An number of my friends, both real world and on-line, have their hubs coming home soon.  Most of them were people whose hubs left the same round as the Wolf.

This would have been bittersweet for me no matter what, since the Wolf doesn't come home for a few more months, but now I have no happy reunion with him to look forward to, and also the fact that Sebastian just left a few weeks ago, and might be gone for as long as 15 months ...

I mentioned this (kind of) to Sebastian last time we MSN'd.  He asked how I was doing, and I mentioned that a lot of my friends were expecting their men home soon, and it was bittersweet for me, and then I told him I really missed him.  His reponse was "I am right here, and I am not going away".  The boy knows how to get right to the point, and say the things that I need to hear.

He is having a rough go right now.  There have been some serious injuries in his section, not boys directly under his command, but his boys have been on scene for the incidents, and there are a couple he is quite worried about.  I am sure they are in good hands.  He has a strong background in sociology and excellent people skills, and I am sure if they get to the point they need help he will make sure they get it.  But still, me being me, I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind, and theirs.

And as weird as it seems, the fact he is continuing to share his life with me, stay in contact, and let me know the little details, is so very, very reassuring to me.  I would have thought I would have been happier not knowing, but there is comfort in the connection, and I am not nearly as stressed out as I expected to be.

Trust is an amazing thing.

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.