I lost my "dog tags"

I lost my "dog tags".

I have (had) a dog tag, (American Style) that I got a bit before the Wolf's last deployment.  It was inscribed in script with a line from an Archie Fisher song: "There is no forever, or never again" (the song is called "Ontario Dust").  Tags are in the upper left corner of the photo; its not great, but its the only one I could find.

I am house sitting this week.  I went to my own place on Sunday and threw some clothes, and some jewelry, including the tags, into a bag for Remembrance Day service Monday.  The bag dumped in the passenger seat of my car on the trip between houses, and when I emptied it out at my temporary accommodation, the tags were not there.  I searched my car, the bag, my own house, and where I am staying - no tags.

The thought wandered across my brain, as unsolicited thoughts do, to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me it's time to really let go of the past, and let myself move on.  To not carry around the old baggage.

5's and 20's and ...

I have no idea what the photo in the video has to do with the song, but its the thought that counts ...


So, yes, I have been in crazy work mode, that is why I haven't been posting.  In the eye of the storm right now; the next round of craziness starts Tuesday, so I will be off the radar again for a week or so.


Yesterday saw the second e-mail from the Wolf.  Once again, I forwarded it to the local LEOs to deal with.


Then I wrote up a list of possible locations that he would take me in the event that he wanted to "take me somewhere to talk" privately; locations that have some sort of emotional loading with respect to our relationship, and a brief description of the emotional connection to the location. I told a couple of friends where the list is (top drawer of my wine rack, FYI).


We are approaching the Wolf's birthday (next week).  Three years ago he was in Savannah, GA on training with the US National Guard unit there for a few months.  We had been talking about me flying down for his birthday (the big 40), but I would only be able to squeeze in a couple of days, due to it being my silly season at work.  He was then told he would be doing his work-up for the sand at a Canadian base very close to me (which of course ended up being changed).  We decided, mutually I thought, that it would make more sense for me to save my money and visit more often when he was close to me and doing work up, than to come to Georgia.  He did make a comment later on that made me wonder if the decision was not as mutual as I had thought.


The song is a reference to a conversation I once had with Sebastian about abductions.  He told me that if anyone ever used soft restraints on me to struggle against them and make sure that there were marks left on my wrists/ankles, so there would be evidence for the LEOs.  Red also commented this morning (when I told her the location of the "places" list) to make sure I left a trail to be followed if I could.  I really wish I didn't have to have conversations like that.


Speaking of Sebastian, I have had a couple more interactions with him, but mostly related to him finding stuff of mine that was at his place and returning it.  I did tell him that I desperately wanted to fight to save what we had, because I believe it was worth saving, but his mind, at the moment is made up and I am out of his life.  His comments to me are becoming increasingly hostile and he is reading things into my words that are not there at all; he has shut down his FB account completely.  I really hope he is not isolating himself from everyone who cares about him.

~~~~~~~~~

So that's a quick glimpse into my world.  Oh, and I've worked 80 -90 hours a week the last few weeks, facilitated the planting of 12,250 trees, bar tended a couple of shifts because "no-one else could", and managed to get my lawn cut twice!  I've even managed to sleep occasionally.


Once more into the fray ... 

Be careful ...

From the files of "Be careful what energy you call", ...


I got an e-mail from the Wolf on Wednesday.  Yes, the Wolf, who is under a no contact order from both local law enforcement and his chain of command.  That wolf.


It was just a forwarded joke, but my heart still jumped up and said hello to my brain for a moment.  I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he clicked my name by mistake, but I still forwarded it to the detective in charge of the file.


Why does he still have my address in his e-mail contact list?


What if it wasn't a mistake, what if it was a shot across the bow, a reminder that he is still there?


I am mostly OK, assuming like I said that either it was a mistake, or he is just being an ass.  I went from freaked out to pissed off pretty darn quickly this time, at least.  I think that shows personal growth ...


Otherwise, spring is still springing, and things are fast and furious at work.   


Hope everyone is well!  Take care of yourselves, and each other.

He loves me (Trifeca Trifextra Weekend Challenge)

He knows everything he loves either gets taken away or destroyed.

He loves me.

He promised I would never see the bullet.

He doesn't want me to be scared – he loves me.

~~~~~~~~~

While this is my offering for Trifecta's Weekend challenge - 

"Write a horror story in 33 words, without the words blood, scream, died, death, knife, gun, or kill. Good luck."

most of my regular readers will also recognize this as the true story of the end of my relationship with the Wolf.  When I sat down to write it, I wasn't sure I would share it.  The very first draft, what I considered to be just getting the bones down to work around, was exactly 33 words ... so I let it be, and offer it to you.

Feeling Safe

The thoughts and feelings of the last month are going to come out of my head in random bits and pieces, likely not in the order that you want to hear it, but in the order my head seems to be dictating.

The thing that is at the top of my head right now:  someone's right to feel safe in their own house.

When things have gone south with the Wolf, in the past or this most recent time, a number of friends have offered their homes as "safe houses" where the Wolf is less likely to be able to track me.  Or, like Sebastian, where they want the Wolf to track me, so they can deal with him ... but that's another post.

(Thanks to the folks who read here who extended such offers ♥ )

I work with a fellow who is also a good friend; he does my same job in a different district.  Mid May, when the most recent BS with the Wolf started, he offered his home as shelter for a few days, if I needed a place to mentally and/or physically escape to.

His wife was not in agreement with his offer, which he made without consulting her, and it caused a huge fight between them. She was angry with him for "inviting danger into their home".  I took her side in this fight.

I admit I was, for the initial few moments, hurt by her reaction.  I very quickly realized, however, that she has every right to feel safe in her own home, and if my being there would compromise that, it wasn't a judgement or rejection of me.  It wasn't her wishing me danger; I am sure she realized I had many other options.  I do not know what she has dealt with in the past; I don't actually know her well at all.

I have realayed this story to a few friends, who get angry on my behalf, and the first question asked is "Do they have children?".  They do not, but why does that matter?  Is someone's right to feel safe themselves lessened by the fact they do not have children?  I do not think so.  Of course, I don't have children myself, either.

Maybe it is a coping mechanism on my part to step back and look at the reactions of others around me during this, but I find it fascinating the way people reacted - and trust me, there will be more posts on that too - but most of all, the way a number of people assumed that the reaction that was right for them, was the "only" right reaction, for eveyone else, and for me as well.
 

The story so far ...

Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.

You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address.  I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...

Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.


On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address.  He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in.  She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".

I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.

S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info

{I did}

S: {Pause ...}  {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.

He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to.  I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him.  He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.

Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts.  So, I have been a little edgy lately.   The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file.  They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.

Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom.  The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).

I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's.  After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf. 

The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me.  The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)

I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this. 

As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.

When you can't crawl ...

Well hello there, folks!

My crazy busy season at work is finally over, and I might have an internet solution for out here in the boonies, where I moved to.

So much to update you all on - work, new house, settling in, gardening, wildife ...

... and the Wolf has re-appeared, and not in a good way.  There has been a lot of drama over the last month, involving the civillian police, the MP's, and the Wolf's Chain of Command ... but everything seems to be calm for now, and everyone, including me, is safe.

It was very much an opportunity for me to face some deamons, and to grow through some things, with some help from my friends.  I learned to be weak, to be vulnerable, and to ask for help.  That you can be weak, and find your way back to strong.  And you can trust the people who love you not to judge, and to help you not judge yourself quite so harshly.

Will be posting more updates soon.

Love you all

Tracey: When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that...



Zoë: You find someone to carry you.

Rights ...

Disclaimer:  I really try to keep my comments on other people's blogs, and on chat boards, polite, non-confrontational, and moderate.  But that means I get to come here and say what I really think.

I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments.  As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content.  Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong.  I enjoy honest, respectful debate.

I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person.  She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons.  He husband is aware of her unhappiness.  I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.

The subject of sex between them came up.  She is not interested in having sex with this man.  On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"

I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me.  I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.

My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."

Some of the other readers disagree with me.  I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll.  But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.

Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to.  He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body". 

That line has haunted me since he said it.

Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said.  I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he.  I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line.  He pushed me away, and rolled over.  I doubt either of us slept much.

In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right.  A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.

The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.

The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant.  No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to.  You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.

For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that.  He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me.  That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still.  That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.

So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!

(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened.  I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed.  Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)

Creeped ...

I think the Wolf is trying to find me.

I have moved since we were last in contact, although my phone (mobile only) and personal e-mail have remained the same.

Let me back up a bit.

I have not really heard from the Wolf since a couple of random MSN conversations in July, while he was still in the Sandbox.  After he came back to Canada, he left a couple of snarky, likely drunken comments on my Facebook page; I blocked his access and ability to post (but did not delete him then).  I briefly un-blocked him on MSN around October, but realized quickly I didn't want to hear anything he had to say, so deleted him from MSN and Facebook.  A few weeks later he contacted me about the un-friending, I explained my reasons, and I thought that was that.

Yesterday I got a forwarded e-mail joke from him, and today another one.  I thought it was maybe just a brain fart on his part, he clicked my name along with a bunch of others.

Tonight after work I stopped in the post office of the small town I live in, and the manager said to me someone had called looking for me the other day, but the guy's story didn't ring quite true; he claimed to be a business associate but had my old home address, for example.  I admit the Wolf didn't spring to mind until the postie said "Oh ya, and he said he was calling he was from ______, which I thought was really weird ... and from the fact you just went white, I guess me not giving him information was the right thing to do?"  I assured him it was, and left.

I have also left a note at the place where I bar tend to remind everyone there to NOT give out any of my personal information if anyone comes looking for me.  I understand small town friendly helpful; its just in this case it might not be so helpful.

The logical part of my brain keeps telling me I am over reacting.  I really hope that part of my brain is right.  But my gut is in knots, and keeps remembering something the Wolf said to me our last night in each other's presence, which was a bad night on so many levels.  He said that I did not have the right to tell him what he could or could not do to me ... except he said it much meaner than that.

And the fact that he always told me, meaning it as an inside joke (I think) that if he ever felt the need to kill me, he would't scare me first, that I would never see the gun, or see the bullet coming.

I am going to talk to a fellow I know who is a local police officer tomorrow, to tell him everything, and ask his advice, off the record.  I want the local police to know that if I have to call them to take it seriously, and what they are dealing with - a former recce platoon sniper with many years of experience, and an avid big game hunter - but I do not want to escalate the situation.

(aside: for anyone interested in the psychology of stalkers and their kin, I highly recommend Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift Of Fear")

I have not talked to Sebastian about this, and I am leaning right now towards not telling him until I am in his presence in a couple of weeks; I don't think he really needs to be worrying about this right now while he is trying to re-adjust.  As much as my first reaction was to call him and ask him to tell me I was over-reacting, ask him to help me settle down, I also don't want to gear him up for something that might be nothing, and something he really can't do much about anyway.

I am going to try to give it a few days, see if there are any other contact attempts ... and let my brain process it a bit more.

I really hope I just have an over active imagination.

Wednesday last week I had to go to a pretty high level see and be seen event, a "social" event with some very high level decision makers, so among other thigns I went to the basement and pulled out the "good" purse (Nine West, for those of you who keep track of these things) instead of my Harley purse I have been using.  Thought it might be more appropriate.

The Nine West bag had been packed and stored since I moved last May; and being me, of course it was packed and stored with some stuff in it, and also being me I left it until the 11th hour to dig it out, so I just threw the other things I needed in it and headed off.  I did remember to stop before I actually entered the event venue and remove things like the Jack Knife(s) I always carry, and anything else that might make the security types antsy.  So I sorted through everything, I thought thouroughly.

I have just kept using it since Wednesday; 'tis the season for functions, so I thought it was just easier.  I have pawed through it repeatedly, looking for things, seeing what is still in there from before.

This morning, when I was getting ready to head to an appointment, I looked down, and staring up at me from my open purse was this little fella:

He was lying right on top where I couldn't miss him, even thoguth I had managed to not see him all the other times I have looked through that bag in the last 5 days.  I have no idea how he got on top, or how I have overlooked him, but he certainly did bring a smile to my face.

I originally found him on the beach in the summer of 2009, when things with the Wolf were starting to get rocky, although I was still in denial about it.  He brought me a smile then, and offered reassurance.  Over the time between, he has disappeared and reappeared with no predictability, although every time I find him again, he does bring a smile to my face.  I have taken him out of the purse and put him on my nightstand for a while.  Who knows where he will make his way to next.

Funny that my "soldier" has come back to me, as my soldier is coming back to me.

~~~~~~~~~

Back in October, when I realized that I had nothing left to say to the Wolf, nor anything left I needed to hear from him, I did delete him from MSN and FaceBook.  Last night he sent me a FaceBook friend request and a message saying I seemd to have disappeared from his friends list.

I replied

Ya, actually, I did "un-friend" you.
I realized a while ago I have nothing left to say to you, and nothing left I need to hear. I have moved past what happened between us, and this is part of that.
I wish you well. I truly do.
Take care of yourself.

He responded with a simple "Fair enough". It did hurt a little bit, severing that last tie, but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me. I also think it is an important step in reassuring Sebastian that I am committed to him, and more so to myself, and to being healthy. He was mentioning every once in a while that he noticed the Wolf was still commenting on things. I don't think it is jealousy on his part, but concern for me, and possibly a little insecurity. And I did not do this for Sebastian or anyone else (or I would have done it a lot longer ago); I did it for me, and because the time seemed right for me.

I ♥ technology ...

Sorry I have been a bit quiet lately, peeps, I have been crazy busy with work.  I have a lot to share, just not much time to share it!

I managed to have 2 chats with Sebastian today - an MSN chat when I got up, just before he headed to supper, and a video chat tonight as he was getting ready for work, and I was chilling out before bed.

I love that he is in a place right now where he has access to high speed internet, and we can video chat.  The sound wasn't working well, so we went back to typing, but I could see his face, his expressions, his reactions to things.  I could look at him and know he is well, he looks happy enough, healthy.  I got to look around his room where he is now, see his "place", how he is living.  He got to see me, and the dogs.

And at one point as he was getting dressed, he was standing so that I could only see him from chest to just above the knee, and he was strapping on his side arm, thigh holster ... oh baby, get me a glass of ice water.  Not fair to do that when I am not going to see him for a while longer. I don't know what it was about watching him strap the holster to his leg, check the weapon, and casually sit back down again ... I don't think I have any bondage fantasies ... but it works for me!  Of course, I honestly don't think he even realized wht he had done.  Men.

The countdown is on to him being home for good.  For this round, at least.

He has been mentioning the Wolf lately,  and I don't know if it is out of an insecurity as the end of deployment approaches, or what is causig it.  It may just be because of where he is right now, which is where the Wolf spent the majority of his time.

So I realayed to Sebastian this little story tonight:

A friend is doing her Masters in Social Work, focussing on PTSD/OSI's effects on families & loved ones.  She asked me to write my story with the Wolf out for her, to summarize it, which I did.  And when I was done writing, I realized I was done.  I can comfortably put the incident in its box, and put it on the shelf.  It will always be with me, but it no longer has any power over me.  I am done.

And it feels really, really good.

Nightmares ...

We are in the single digits until the Wolf is back in the country. 

I had my first nightmare last night where someone was hunting me with a sniper rifle.  I was trying to find a place to hide, worrying about my dog, and regretting the fact that "lots of windows" is a personal requirement for any place I live.

Do I really think the Wolf is going to come after me with a gun?  No ... not really ... I don't believe that.

Do I think things could get ugly?  Yep.  To the point where I have talked to a neighbour who is a cop and told him if he hears anything at my house, to assume the worst and act accordingly.

The Wolf has been continuing to reach out to me in little ways, MSN conversations, FaceBook comments, etc.  I also know he is back in Anger Management, but I don't recall if that is a standard part of the whole decompression process or not. 

WIth me, he is acting like nothing bad ever happened, that things are fine, that we can go on to being the good friends we once were ... he seems to have forgotten both the intimate times, and the pain.  He is certainly taking no ownership of anything that happened.

He knows me well enough to know that playing on my sympathy, trying to make me feel guilty, that he was "suffering" before, and I "need to" talk to him, to help him through this, has a chance of working. I need to stay strong, to remember that I have rights too, to remember that he does need to take ownership of what he has done.



I know I need to listen to my heart and my gut; I have (mostly) dealt with my pain and moved forward.  I have found closure, and I do not owe him anything.  I should not let him have any power over me, even the power to make e feel scared, to be jumping at noises, starting when I see tall people with brush cuts ...

~~~~~~~~~

Aside: when I flew home from California last week, I saw a man getting off another flight in the Denver airport, a soldier in desert camo, tall and broad shouldered ... I hoped he was coming home to someone who loved him ... and I had a little cry.

The Wolf's Return

The date of the Wolf's return to this country is approaching fast.  He put something up in his FaceBook recently about the number of days left, and it hit me like a punch to the gut.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.

Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.

His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure.  A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.

Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues.  He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course.  He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.

I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet.  He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally.  I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.

He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings".  Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago.  Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.

Maybe he just wants his friend back.  Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology.  Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.

I am really trying not to let this eat at me.  When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province. 

I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

The Pic ...

I am sorry for the teaser in my last post, but OpSec is ingrained too deeply into me to let me post the picture ... he is in full gear, and there are not a lot of identifying features, but still ... I just can't. Maybe when he is back in Canada, safe, I can share it some day. I wrestled with it, and came here to do it, but I just can't.

I did mention I have OCPD, didn't I? You can add to that my dad was a prison guard who became a cop, and my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian ... I have this thing about rules ...

~~~~~~~~

I did just have a lovely 1 1/2 hour MSN chat with Sebastian. He seems in good spirits, and he is doing well. Two of his boys had a very close call the other night, found an IED the hard way, but no one was injured, so its all good.

It is obviously concerning that the casualty rate is increasing, as it always does in the summer. I have to have faith that he is well trained, and smart, and damn good at what he does.

Mentally he seems in a better place than just before he left. He is talking about things he wants to do when he gets home, things he wants to get ( a pug, for example ).

He has also bought himself a helmet camera, so I look forward to some video. I asked him to please not send my any videos of camel spiders; he said no worries, they only come out at night and he didn't get the night vision package. I soooooo did not need to know that camel spiders are nocturnal. Seriously, I could have happily lived my entire life without knowing that.

~~~~~~~~~

And in a true act of randomness, the Wolf messaged me out of the blue the other day, and has been commenting on my Face Book and other forms of contact again. The last time he started a conversation with me was early December.

He was finally responding to my request for "a couple of words to let me know he was OK" after the news reports of the rocket attacks on KAF.

His opening line? "You worry too much"

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~

My silly season at work is OVER , so I hope to be back to being a more regular blogger.

Take care of yourselves, my friends.

This weekend

Quick update:


I am still in the moving process, and busy at work, so my 'net access is sporadic.

When the news broke on CBC about the rocket attack on KAF my heart proceeded immediately to my throat.  Attacks on KAF never make the news here ... so we all knew this must actually be big.

I changed my Facebook status, and sent offline MSN messages to both Sebastian and The Wolf.  Just saying that the news here was making a big deal of the attack, and if they would spare a few words so I knew they were OK I would appreciate it.

Sebastian managed to respond within a few hours, and let me know he was not near the chaos, and was safe.

I never heard from The Wolf.  His sister in law let me know this morning that she had received an e-mail from him saying things were nutty, but he was safe and sound.  I thanked her, and told her that I had sent him a message asking for a few words and received nothing. 

She had a few choice words for him.

I am wondering how many times you can "give up" on the same relationship?  I had given up on a "couple" realationship, but thought we could maintain a friendship.  I admit some of the nasty things that happened towards the end have been nagging at my mind; flames are licking at that bridge.  I am beginning to doubt that friendship is even possible at this point.  Which hurts, but not as deeply as I thought it might.

Elements ...

A funny thing happened at an FSG meeting a little while back.  Or maybe it was just my whacked sense of humour that found it amusing.

A few of the girls there, including the Group leader, are energy work practitioners or other "new age" or pagan type folks.

The group leaders hubs, a Captain with the local reserve unit,(who is sensitive himself), was making small talk, and he said to me "What element is (theWolf)".  I replied "Air", but as he walked away, it occured to me that depending on who was listening, that conversation could be taken two completely different ways!

From an astrological perspective the Wolf is Fire; I am Water with strong overtones of Earth.

While I am blending the two topics, here is a book I am wanting to read; American perspective (as are most) but it looks interesting.  I am not sure whose blog I originally found it on; but here is a link to it on Chapters/Indigo's web site:

Faith and Magick in the Armed Forces: A Handbook for Pagans in the Military;
Author: Stefani E. Barner

Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)

Coming out of the closet.

Only my closest friends (and you , gentle readers) have know the whole truth about what has been going on with the Wolf these last few months.  After the weekend, and where my head is now, I have "come out of the closet" about it.

I told one person at the legion where I bar tend (my manager). I told her I wasn't broadcasting the news, but I wanted her to know; and as I expected in a small village, an hour and a half later I was at the local café and someone came up to me to offer their sympathy.  I find that mildly amusing, but I am OK with it; I expected it, and it is easier than having to tell people myself.

I also referred to the Wolf out loud in public last night as "my ex".  It felt really strange to say it.

Earlier in the day I had posted about it on a MilSpouse chat forum I belong to.  The folks there have been nothgin but fully supportive.

All of this is a really strange combination of incredibly painful (facing reality) and strangely liberating, like a wieght has been lifted of my shoulders.

I'm tired

I'm tired of being alone - not alone physically, that I can deal with, but alone in my heart, and in my head.


I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.


I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.


I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.


I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.


I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.

I'm just tired ....

Perspective

Sometimes life hands you perspective along with a good smack up side the head.

I won't go into details, but I have a few friends right now that are going through some hard things.  It has been making me less patient with both myself, and with the Wolf.  I am in pain over the long term consequences of some of these things, and I am lashing out a bit in response.

Yep, I've been through some crap in my life.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and deal.  I've done it before, I'll undoubtedly have to do it again.  I have reached out for, and received, help and support.  On I go, one step at a time.

Wolf?  Yep, you've had some shitty cards dealt to you along the way to.  It is now time to get your head out of your ass, accept the help that is being offered to you, or in some cases, in your own words "crammed down your throat".  Take some ownership of your life.  Deal with your issues.  Get over yourself.

I am not turning my back on the Wolf.  I am not cutting him loose.  I am, however, done making excuses for his behaviour, to myself or to anyone else.

Not sure how long this current state of mind is going to last, but its where I am today.