While I was up visiting Sebastian, we watched a few movies, but two in particular led to some deep conversations, and some healing. The two movies were Restrepo, and Salt.
One may seem obvious, the other not so much maybe.
I was a little hesitant to watch Restrepo, not to watch it myself so much as to have him watch it, so soon after coming home. I was over-ruled, however, as within an hour of me getting there he asked if I remembered to bring it. I had, of course, so we watched it our first night together.
All in all it was a good experience. A number of the scenes got him talking about stuff, about the realities. Parts of it made him laugh, parts got him telling stories. The only scene he couldn't watch was the extra entitled "Sleeping Soldiers" - he hovered over that with the remote, and said in a soft voice "It is so hard to watch a soldier sleep, they look so innocent ... "
We talked some more after the movie was over, and I truly appreciate having it as a catalyst for the conversations we had.
A couple of night later, we watched Salt, with Angelina Jolie. Sections of the movie are spoken in Russian, sub-titled in English. I was getting a bid sad throughout the movie, and then there is a scene where 2 Russians are talking and they say
F'sio? (translated in the movie as: That's it?)
F'sio. (I am not spelling it right, but this is what is sounds like)
I burst into tears. I recalled two wonderful little boys using that phrase, a lot.
(see this post for details). S and I have talked about this incident before. He, wisely, knew there was nothing to be said, that it wasn't something that needed to be "fixed", and let me cry. He is a very, very wise man. And in the end, the comfort of another human was all I needed.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Nowhere ...
Some people keep a note book and a pencil beside their bed for making notes. I keep my smart phone, and, it seems, e-mail myself. I checked my e-mail the other morning and found this, that I had e-mailed myself from my phone around 3 am, and then forgotten all about:
If this is my intuition trying to communicate with me, I think we need to work on our communication styles, because I have no idea what it is supposed to mean. After I saw the e-mail I kind of remembered doing it, and remembered at the time I thought it was really, really important I remember it.
She said she felt like she was going nowhereI was sorely tempted to edit it to fix the cadence of the last line, but instead I offer it the way my sleeping brain created it.
She put her head on my shoulder and cried
I said that I would gladly go nowhere
At her side
If this is my intuition trying to communicate with me, I think we need to work on our communication styles, because I have no idea what it is supposed to mean. After I saw the e-mail I kind of remembered doing it, and remembered at the time I thought it was really, really important I remember it.
Two sides of me
I like, and have always identified with, the idea of the "omega" wolf as presented in Patricia Brigg's mythos. In short the Omega wolf, while often seen as a submissive, will fight when their back is against the wall, fight to defend the ones they care about (although often take abuse themselves) and most significantly, exert a calming influence on those around them. Their seemingly submissive nature often draws abuse from those who seek to secure their own position by dominating others, but also draws out the protective influence of the truly powerful.
When I was with Sebastian on this last visit, he challenged me to think about why it is that I need to please people in my personal life, to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.
In my professional life I am stong, assertive, confident, and not afraid at all to make waves.
When I was teaching martial arts, or in the ring, I am also confident, strong, outgoing, and assertive. I once had a senior black belt look at me with awe after a fight and remark that "when you get backed into a corner, you are a whole different fighter ... you are downright scary". He meant it as a compliment.
Why then, in my personal life, in anything associated with "home", do I turn into this weak, nervous, maleable peacemaker?
S challenged me that there must be one defining incident in my past that led to this, and that if I can find the incident, then I can start to deal with it. I am not sure I agree with that; I think, for me, it was a systematic training, re-inforced by some specific incidents, some more painful than others.
(Note: S was not criticizing this trait of mine, he was just challenging me to think about it, as I do sometimes let myself get pushed into doing things I really don't want to do, or letting things happen that bother me)
Giving small credit to astrological influences (I have a Virgo ascendant - the peacemaker) I was conditioned early on to keep the peace. My mother is volatile. In discussions with my therapist, his opinion is that due to circumstances in her own life, my mom was never actually able to "mother" me, and instead needed me to "mother" her, a role that I was ill suited for as a child, but grew into as a young adult. (And was, at times, challenged by the fact that my moon sign is Taurus, the bull ...)
So with my mother I learned not to challenge her when she wanted me to do something, or act in a way that my gut told me was wrong, because I knew if I resisted, or spoke up, she would make my life miserable. I learned to anticipate, and to look after things before they needed to be mentioned, to pro-actively make sure everything rolled along smoothly.
Post 1995ish, interactions with the Wolf were the same; and if I am honest I have chosen to be with a number of other men who were also the same. If I anticipate things, and deal with them or smooth them over before they become triggers, my life will be less painful.
There were a couple of incidents with the Wolf towards the end that, in retrospect, made this painfully clear; things I put up with at the time, but am ashamed to admit to, even now, even here. Maybe some day I will be able to share them, but at this point they are still too painful, too embarassing.
I have started claiming my own voice and my own feelings again lately, in small ways, with people I feel safe with (once with S on this last visit, a few times with TW, and others) and it not only feels good, I have gotten positive re-inforcement from the situations when I do it. The people I am now surrounding myself with do not lash out if I stand up for myself; they realize that different does not mean bad.
When I was with Sebastian on this last visit, he challenged me to think about why it is that I need to please people in my personal life, to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.
In my professional life I am stong, assertive, confident, and not afraid at all to make waves.
When I was teaching martial arts, or in the ring, I am also confident, strong, outgoing, and assertive. I once had a senior black belt look at me with awe after a fight and remark that "when you get backed into a corner, you are a whole different fighter ... you are downright scary". He meant it as a compliment.
Why then, in my personal life, in anything associated with "home", do I turn into this weak, nervous, maleable peacemaker?
S challenged me that there must be one defining incident in my past that led to this, and that if I can find the incident, then I can start to deal with it. I am not sure I agree with that; I think, for me, it was a systematic training, re-inforced by some specific incidents, some more painful than others.
(Note: S was not criticizing this trait of mine, he was just challenging me to think about it, as I do sometimes let myself get pushed into doing things I really don't want to do, or letting things happen that bother me)
Giving small credit to astrological influences (I have a Virgo ascendant - the peacemaker) I was conditioned early on to keep the peace. My mother is volatile. In discussions with my therapist, his opinion is that due to circumstances in her own life, my mom was never actually able to "mother" me, and instead needed me to "mother" her, a role that I was ill suited for as a child, but grew into as a young adult. (And was, at times, challenged by the fact that my moon sign is Taurus, the bull ...)
So with my mother I learned not to challenge her when she wanted me to do something, or act in a way that my gut told me was wrong, because I knew if I resisted, or spoke up, she would make my life miserable. I learned to anticipate, and to look after things before they needed to be mentioned, to pro-actively make sure everything rolled along smoothly.
Post 1995ish, interactions with the Wolf were the same; and if I am honest I have chosen to be with a number of other men who were also the same. If I anticipate things, and deal with them or smooth them over before they become triggers, my life will be less painful.
There were a couple of incidents with the Wolf towards the end that, in retrospect, made this painfully clear; things I put up with at the time, but am ashamed to admit to, even now, even here. Maybe some day I will be able to share them, but at this point they are still too painful, too embarassing.
I have started claiming my own voice and my own feelings again lately, in small ways, with people I feel safe with (once with S on this last visit, a few times with TW, and others) and it not only feels good, I have gotten positive re-inforcement from the situations when I do it. The people I am now surrounding myself with do not lash out if I stand up for myself; they realize that different does not mean bad.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Visit the Zoo Day! (Virtual)
Well, in honour of Visit the Zoo Day, I am going to create a virtual zoo for you of some of my favorite critters:
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Reintegration, step 1
I am back, after spending some time with Sebastian in his world. The first visit went relatively well. He is still a bit "there"; "Halfghanistan" to borrow a phrase from a dear friend. But all in all, I think things went well.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Have an amazing whatever you celebrate!
Merry Yule
(December 21)
(December 21)
Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Festive Kwanzaa
Happy Visit the Zoo Day
(December 27. I'm serious. Look it up.)
My point is, whatever you are celebrating, and whomever you are celebrating with, (or missing), I wish you all the peace, joy, love and happiness that the season is supposed to hold.
May you all be blessed in the new year.
May your families and loved ones be healthy and happy, and may you meet as a team whatever challenges are thrown your way.
May those charged with leading us be granted wisdom, clear sight, and strength.
Extra blessings to those who are deployed during this season, and to the people that love them.
Speacial prayers of healing and Peace to Sarge Charlie and the Empress Bee; my former boss, J & his family; and my fishing buddy D & his family.
~ Blessings be ~
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Twisted
**Please note, this post has been recorded live before a studio audience (well, OK, the dogs). I am off enjoying my reunion. I will catch up with you all on my return**
So ... I went to You Tube to find a video of Scott Wesley Brown's "This Little Child" to post on my December 25 Christmas post. I have always thought of that song as a Chritmas song, even though others have informed me it is not. I has the post written, had it embedded, and was watching it run through. I was very happy with it ... until I got to about 3:33 in the video and then WHOA! Am I seeing what I think I am, and what's that next? Ghaa! Stop that right now.
NOT what I have thought about with this song.
I post it here, below, and you can watch or not, as you choose ... but I warn you that at 3:33 in the video, this amazing Cristmas song becomes a platform for someone else's hate, and gay bashing, and political ... I am not really sure what to call it.
I am very tolerant of other people's opinions ... as long as they afford the same courtesy back. I don't know Scott Wesley Brown personally, but to me "fools who march to win the right to justify their sins" is not a reference to same-sex marriage, and "Every nation that has fallen, has fallen from within" showing the 9/11 attacks ... wrong, wrong, wrong.
So ... I went to You Tube to find a video of Scott Wesley Brown's "This Little Child" to post on my December 25 Christmas post. I have always thought of that song as a Chritmas song, even though others have informed me it is not. I has the post written, had it embedded, and was watching it run through. I was very happy with it ... until I got to about 3:33 in the video and then WHOA! Am I seeing what I think I am, and what's that next? Ghaa! Stop that right now.
NOT what I have thought about with this song.
I post it here, below, and you can watch or not, as you choose ... but I warn you that at 3:33 in the video, this amazing Cristmas song becomes a platform for someone else's hate, and gay bashing, and political ... I am not really sure what to call it.
I am very tolerant of other people's opinions ... as long as they afford the same courtesy back. I don't know Scott Wesley Brown personally, but to me "fools who march to win the right to justify their sins" is not a reference to same-sex marriage, and "Every nation that has fallen, has fallen from within" showing the 9/11 attacks ... wrong, wrong, wrong.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Intuition
**Please note, this post has been recorded live before a studio audience (well, OK, the dogs). I am off enjoying my reunion. I will catch up with you all on my return**
During last week's health coaching session, we talked about intuition, and learning to tune into it again.
When my coach asked me about intuition and whether I believed in it, I responded that I did, I came from a maternal line of women who had been highly intuitive, and that I had been highly intuitive as a child, but that I had a couple of negative experiences that had caused me to "slam the door", and that while in the last few years I had wanted to re-open the door, I was not having much luck.
In thinking about it more, I think that I was feeling guilt that I had somehow caused the bad things to happen, and taking responsibility for not preventing them. For example, I knew, absolutely, when my great grandmother was going to die. I knew 2 weeks in advance (which was my standard timing, then) that she was going to die, how I was going to find out, all of it. And I couldn't stop it, could do absolutely nothing to prevent it.
Now, as an adult, I realize that my Great Grandmother was in her 90's, that death was not necissarily a bad thing, just a change, and that a) I couldn't have been expected to prevent it and b) preventing it wouldn't have been the proper thing to do anyway. But as a child, trying to process, I somehow made it my fault, and the fault of the "dreams", and turned my back on them.
Now you might ask yourself, if I had all these highly intuitive women around me, why didn't one of them sense my pain?
My mother and Aunt had turned there backs on their intuition, to the point where my Aunt spent some time in a mental institution, and my mother has turned denying her intuition into a proper art form. My Grandmother lived next door, but she was dealing with the loss of her mother, who had lived with her; my mother's grief; all the paperwork and household arrangements, and a number of other things. My grandmother was a wonderful, warm, loving lady who did her best for my brother and I, but also tried not to overstep her place. I believe she did what she felt she could; she did her best.
My efforts to re-open the door have been meeting with mixed success. My health coach has recommended that I start small ~ what should I have for supper tonight? What should I do to recharge myself today? ~ and learn to recognize the inner voice or intuition, vs a voice of craving, or fear, or something else. She has also lent me a book - Divine Guidance by Doreen Virtue, PhD. I will be reading it over the next few days, and trying the exercises.
During last week's health coaching session, we talked about intuition, and learning to tune into it again.
When my coach asked me about intuition and whether I believed in it, I responded that I did, I came from a maternal line of women who had been highly intuitive, and that I had been highly intuitive as a child, but that I had a couple of negative experiences that had caused me to "slam the door", and that while in the last few years I had wanted to re-open the door, I was not having much luck.
In thinking about it more, I think that I was feeling guilt that I had somehow caused the bad things to happen, and taking responsibility for not preventing them. For example, I knew, absolutely, when my great grandmother was going to die. I knew 2 weeks in advance (which was my standard timing, then) that she was going to die, how I was going to find out, all of it. And I couldn't stop it, could do absolutely nothing to prevent it.
Now, as an adult, I realize that my Great Grandmother was in her 90's, that death was not necissarily a bad thing, just a change, and that a) I couldn't have been expected to prevent it and b) preventing it wouldn't have been the proper thing to do anyway. But as a child, trying to process, I somehow made it my fault, and the fault of the "dreams", and turned my back on them.
Now you might ask yourself, if I had all these highly intuitive women around me, why didn't one of them sense my pain?
My mother and Aunt had turned there backs on their intuition, to the point where my Aunt spent some time in a mental institution, and my mother has turned denying her intuition into a proper art form. My Grandmother lived next door, but she was dealing with the loss of her mother, who had lived with her; my mother's grief; all the paperwork and household arrangements, and a number of other things. My grandmother was a wonderful, warm, loving lady who did her best for my brother and I, but also tried not to overstep her place. I believe she did what she felt she could; she did her best.
My efforts to re-open the door have been meeting with mixed success. My health coach has recommended that I start small ~ what should I have for supper tonight? What should I do to recharge myself today? ~ and learn to recognize the inner voice or intuition, vs a voice of craving, or fear, or something else. She has also lent me a book - Divine Guidance by Doreen Virtue, PhD. I will be reading it over the next few days, and trying the exercises.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Christmas stuff
Well, my dear bloggy friends, I am heading out to spend some quality time with Sebastian. I have pre-written a few posts ('cause I know you are all going to miss me!) I do have 'net access where I am going, but I am thinking I might have other things to do with my time, rather than write... :o)
So I want to take this opportunity before I head off to wish you all the best of the holiday season.
So I want to take this opportunity before I head off to wish you all the best of the holiday season.
Peace, joy and love.
~~~~~~~~~
I did chat with my mother about the possibility of not making it home for Christmas. She didn't completely freak, but she didn't take it well.
Mom : Well, I guess I went to all that work putting the tree up for nothing
Me: Umm, your son. his wife, and your year and a half year old Granddaughter will still be there ... I am thinking Beautiful Girl will like the tree. And you and dad like it, right? Ayway, I am coming at some point, I am just not sure i will actually be there on the 25th.
Mom: *huff* Well I guess ...
Yep, it kinda went like that for the whole conversation. Peppered with comments about who she would get to do various work tasks for her if I wasn't there to do everything.
On another note, in our family we draw names for Christmas. Dad got my name, but I do know that means mom will be doing the shopping. She asked me what I wanted, and I told her that honestly I don't need more "stuff", and asked that they make a donation in my name to the Rotary Canada Afghanistan School Challenge ~ http://www.afghanistanschool.ca/ ~ which has built and is continuing to support a grade 1 to 12 school for boys and girls in Nangarhar Province, Afghanistan.
Mom was horrified, and said "but, you need a present, you need something to open".
We'll see what happens with that.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Stuff
I was over reading THIS POST at A Little Pink In A World Of Camo. Where she talks (a fair bit into the post) about loosing a ring that was a connection to her late husband, and:
I don't in any way mean to detract from her feelings, from her raw emotion. I have NO IDEA what it would be like to be in her shoes, and I pray to all the powers that be I never do.
All that said, her post really got me thinking about "stuff". I do not have a lot of "stuff" as mementos of Sebastian. I know this is totally not the same as her situation ~ I still have him ~ but still, it got me thinking.
I do have a few little things (and am getting a few more soon, I have been told!) but I can honestly say that this time around most of what I hold, I hold in my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong, the day I caught the dog with my Soldier Teddy Bear in her mouth, I was really unhappy. I am just saying, for me, right now,I don't have a big attachment to "stuff", to talismans ... which is unusual for me.
With the Wolf I, more so towards the end, I was clutching at everything. Maybe because I knew he was moving away from me, I held onto the stuff, maybe that is the same thing that Mrs P is feeling. In her situation ... I can't see myself as being as strong as she has been through all of this, really, and I would likely be as attached to every little thing as well.
For me, for now, for my current reality, my gut tells me this is a sign that I am more secure, that I don't need the talismans. Or maybe I am finally conquering my inner pack rat.
Who knows.
"I freak out because I put so much emphasis on stuff. All this stuff is really all I've got - or at least I feel that way - of what we had together. I keep thinking if I lose/break/get rid of any of this stuff or change anything, what we had and the time we spent together will disappear too."If you don't follow the blog - she does find the ring. The ring that is a very important symbol for her of her relationship with her angel, her deceased husband, who was killed in action while serving in Afghanistan for the US Military.
I don't in any way mean to detract from her feelings, from her raw emotion. I have NO IDEA what it would be like to be in her shoes, and I pray to all the powers that be I never do.
All that said, her post really got me thinking about "stuff". I do not have a lot of "stuff" as mementos of Sebastian. I know this is totally not the same as her situation ~ I still have him ~ but still, it got me thinking.
I do have a few little things (and am getting a few more soon, I have been told!) but I can honestly say that this time around most of what I hold, I hold in my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong, the day I caught the dog with my Soldier Teddy Bear in her mouth, I was really unhappy. I am just saying, for me, right now,I don't have a big attachment to "stuff", to talismans ... which is unusual for me.
With the Wolf I, more so towards the end, I was clutching at everything. Maybe because I knew he was moving away from me, I held onto the stuff, maybe that is the same thing that Mrs P is feeling. In her situation ... I can't see myself as being as strong as she has been through all of this, really, and I would likely be as attached to every little thing as well.
For me, for now, for my current reality, my gut tells me this is a sign that I am more secure, that I don't need the talismans. Or maybe I am finally conquering my inner pack rat.
Who knows.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Red Friday - The Forgotten War
On December 13, 1950, the Second Battalion of the Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry landed in Yokohama, Japan, on their way to help fulfill Canada's commitment to her NATO allies in what they had thought, when they left Canada, was a conflict that was under control due to efforts of our American and British allies.
http://archives.cbc.ca/on_this_day/12/13/
Unfortunately, the entry of China into the conflict in support of North Korea had changed the face of that conflict; the Pats would soon be joined by a battalion of Van Doos (Le Royal 22e Regiment; "Van Doo" is an english bastardization of the French word for 22, vingt-deux) and a battalion of the Royal Canadian Regiment.
There has been much criticism in Canada that Korea is the "forgotten War" and our government, and our people, have not given the Veterans of that conflict their due. Especially now, that sabre are rattling in the region again, remember what happened, the sacrifices made, and the lives changed.
Never Forget.
link: Korea War Veterans Association of Canada Inc.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Presents
I was talking to someone this morning about Christmas presents, they asked if there was anything I wanted.
I said "I already have it. He's home. I don't need anything else."
I said "I already have it. He's home. I don't need anything else."
Best. Present. Ever.
Home for Christmas ... or not.
To set any fears aside right now, YES, Sebastian will be home for Christmas. As a matter of fact ... he is back on Canadian soil!
I am going to see Sebastian early next week, at his place. His place is a roughly 8 hour drive (on good roads) east of me. My parents live a 2 hour drive west of me.
Christams is aproaching fast, and travel this time of year around here can be dodgy at best ... see this little clip, from my folk's neck of the woods, where they have gotten over 6 feet of snow in the last 2 weeks. On top of snow they already had. Yep, 6 feet, plus winds ... messy.
Now this isn't all bad, really. The last two visits to my parent's place have been very stressful, with my mom treating me more like an indentured servant that a family member they wanted to see. There is a lot of emotional loading in the relationship between my mother and I, mostly based on guilt and expectations I can't live up to, needs she has that I will never be able to fill. My dad is better, but is old, and sleeps most of the time, and his memory is starting to fail ... so it is not exactly quality time when I am with him. He is also much more understanding about it being just a date on the calendar, and that I can get home when I can.
Sebastian, who will be recently returned from the sandbox, told me at the end of his HLTA that "the worst thing for a recently returned soldier is to be alone too much with his thoughts". He needs me.
My parents will have my brother, his little girl, and the woman he chose to marry home. I don't bring out the best in my brother's wife. Their visit may be more pleasant without my distracting influence anyway.
And no, taking Sebastian to my parent's place is NOT an option. Nope. Not gonna happen.
Right now my plan is to head to see Sebastian, and stay for as long as he needs/wants me to. If I don't make it back in time to head to my parent's place for December 25, so be it. My mother will likely not take it well, but for goodness sake I am an adult, and I am allowed to do what makes me happy. Last year I swore I would live to my own expectations, not other peoples', and this is part of that.
On an interesting side note, my health coach indicated that she had been hearing similar things from a number of her clients and friends this year, that this was the year they were going to do what they felt in their heart was right, instead of making themselves miserable in the interest of making others happy.
Must be something in the air.
I am going to see Sebastian early next week, at his place. His place is a roughly 8 hour drive (on good roads) east of me. My parents live a 2 hour drive west of me.
Christams is aproaching fast, and travel this time of year around here can be dodgy at best ... see this little clip, from my folk's neck of the woods, where they have gotten over 6 feet of snow in the last 2 weeks. On top of snow they already had. Yep, 6 feet, plus winds ... messy.
Now this isn't all bad, really. The last two visits to my parent's place have been very stressful, with my mom treating me more like an indentured servant that a family member they wanted to see. There is a lot of emotional loading in the relationship between my mother and I, mostly based on guilt and expectations I can't live up to, needs she has that I will never be able to fill. My dad is better, but is old, and sleeps most of the time, and his memory is starting to fail ... so it is not exactly quality time when I am with him. He is also much more understanding about it being just a date on the calendar, and that I can get home when I can.
Sebastian, who will be recently returned from the sandbox, told me at the end of his HLTA that "the worst thing for a recently returned soldier is to be alone too much with his thoughts". He needs me.
My parents will have my brother, his little girl, and the woman he chose to marry home. I don't bring out the best in my brother's wife. Their visit may be more pleasant without my distracting influence anyway.
And no, taking Sebastian to my parent's place is NOT an option. Nope. Not gonna happen.
Right now my plan is to head to see Sebastian, and stay for as long as he needs/wants me to. If I don't make it back in time to head to my parent's place for December 25, so be it. My mother will likely not take it well, but for goodness sake I am an adult, and I am allowed to do what makes me happy. Last year I swore I would live to my own expectations, not other peoples', and this is part of that.
On an interesting side note, my health coach indicated that she had been hearing similar things from a number of her clients and friends this year, that this was the year they were going to do what they felt in their heart was right, instead of making themselves miserable in the interest of making others happy.
Must be something in the air.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
MRI
I am on my way to the hospital for an MRI. I was screened a number of years ago (8?) for MS and cleared, but in the last year and a half or so I have had a flare up of new symptoms all of which point to some neurological issue. My doc hoped it would be something simple like a Vitamin D or B12 deficiency ... but all my blood work came back fine.
I don't know whether to hope they find something today, so I know what is going on, or to hope they don't find anything. Anything unusual, that is.
I don't even know what to ask for prayers for - I guess, once again, just the strength to deal with whatever comes of this, and peace while I wait for my results.
Soon I will have some distractions, at least ;-)
Edit added 16:10: MRI itself went well. I got in almost an hour late, but once in it went very smoothly. You are in the big noisy machine for about 20 minutes (I am told). I regulated my breathing, imagined Sebastian on the plane on his way home, sleeping, imagined sitting in the seat next to him, telling him I was nervous, holding his hand, and ... fell asleep, for real. Came to as they were pulling me out of the tube, to the tech saying she wished all her patients were as good and as still as I was. Then she took a good look at my bleary eyes and said "you fell asleep, didn't you ?!?!?" and laughed.
I don't know whether to hope they find something today, so I know what is going on, or to hope they don't find anything. Anything unusual, that is.
I don't even know what to ask for prayers for - I guess, once again, just the strength to deal with whatever comes of this, and peace while I wait for my results.
Soon I will have some distractions, at least ;-)
Edit added 16:10: MRI itself went well. I got in almost an hour late, but once in it went very smoothly. You are in the big noisy machine for about 20 minutes (I am told). I regulated my breathing, imagined Sebastian on the plane on his way home, sleeping, imagined sitting in the seat next to him, telling him I was nervous, holding his hand, and ... fell asleep, for real. Came to as they were pulling me out of the tube, to the tech saying she wished all her patients were as good and as still as I was. Then she took a good look at my bleary eyes and said "you fell asleep, didn't you ?!?!?" and laughed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
~~~wiggle~~~
Soooooo close .......as I have said before, if I had a tail, it would be wagging pretty hard right now.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday last week I had to go to a pretty high level see and be seen event, a "social" event with some very high level decision makers, so among other thigns I went to the basement and pulled out the "good" purse (Nine West, for those of you who keep track of these things) instead of my Harley purse I have been using. Thought it might be more appropriate.
The Nine West bag had been packed and stored since I moved last May; and being me, of course it was packed and stored with some stuff in it, and also being me I left it until the 11th hour to dig it out, so I just threw the other things I needed in it and headed off. I did remember to stop before I actually entered the event venue and remove things like the Jack Knife(s) I always carry, and anything else that might make the security types antsy. So I sorted through everything, I thought thouroughly.
I have just kept using it since Wednesday; 'tis the season for functions, so I thought it was just easier. I have pawed through it repeatedly, looking for things, seeing what is still in there from before.
This morning, when I was getting ready to head to an appointment, I looked down, and staring up at me from my open purse was this little fella:
He was lying right on top where I couldn't miss him, even thoguth I had managed to not see him all the other times I have looked through that bag in the last 5 days. I have no idea how he got on top, or how I have overlooked him, but he certainly did bring a smile to my face.
I originally found him on the beach in the summer of 2009, when things with the Wolf were starting to get rocky, although I was still in denial about it. He brought me a smile then, and offered reassurance. Over the time between, he has disappeared and reappeared with no predictability, although every time I find him again, he does bring a smile to my face. I have taken him out of the purse and put him on my nightstand for a while. Who knows where he will make his way to next.
Funny that my "soldier" has come back to me, as my soldier is coming back to me.
Back in October, when I realized that I had nothing left to say to the Wolf, nor anything left I needed to hear from him, I did delete him from MSN and FaceBook. Last night he sent me a FaceBook friend request and a message saying I seemd to have disappeared from his friends list.
I replied
The Nine West bag had been packed and stored since I moved last May; and being me, of course it was packed and stored with some stuff in it, and also being me I left it until the 11th hour to dig it out, so I just threw the other things I needed in it and headed off. I did remember to stop before I actually entered the event venue and remove things like the Jack Knife(s) I always carry, and anything else that might make the security types antsy. So I sorted through everything, I thought thouroughly.
I have just kept using it since Wednesday; 'tis the season for functions, so I thought it was just easier. I have pawed through it repeatedly, looking for things, seeing what is still in there from before.
This morning, when I was getting ready to head to an appointment, I looked down, and staring up at me from my open purse was this little fella:
I originally found him on the beach in the summer of 2009, when things with the Wolf were starting to get rocky, although I was still in denial about it. He brought me a smile then, and offered reassurance. Over the time between, he has disappeared and reappeared with no predictability, although every time I find him again, he does bring a smile to my face. I have taken him out of the purse and put him on my nightstand for a while. Who knows where he will make his way to next.
Funny that my "soldier" has come back to me, as my soldier is coming back to me.
~~~~~~~~~
Back in October, when I realized that I had nothing left to say to the Wolf, nor anything left I needed to hear from him, I did delete him from MSN and FaceBook. Last night he sent me a FaceBook friend request and a message saying I seemd to have disappeared from his friends list.
I replied
Ya, actually, I did "un-friend" you.He responded with a simple "Fair enough". It did hurt a little bit, severing that last tie, but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me. I also think it is an important step in reassuring Sebastian that I am committed to him, and more so to myself, and to being healthy. He was mentioning every once in a while that he noticed the Wolf was still commenting on things. I don't think it is jealousy on his part, but concern for me, and possibly a little insecurity. And I did not do this for Sebastian or anyone else (or I would have done it a lot longer ago); I did it for me, and because the time seemed right for me.
I realized a while ago I have nothing left to say to you, and nothing left I need to hear. I have moved past what happened between us, and this is part of that.
I wish you well. I truly do.
Take care of yourself.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Insecurities
Sebastian's return is approaching fast, and this last week he had been a bit stand offish, which was making me insecure. Since he has repeatedly reminded me he is not the Wolf, I have no other "end of tour" experience to compare with, and I am not sure what "normal" is. I know he has mixed feelings about returning home, thinking there is so much left to do there, that he is leaving jobs un-done. If he were given the option I know he would choose to stay, but that is not an option. I am not sure if that was what was leading him to be a little abrupt, and not choose his words very carefully, or if there was something else going on.
Of course, MSN and Skype are still not working between us (he thinks there is something wrong with his computer) so communication has been frustrating.
I had some posts half written about how I was feeling, the daemons in my brain, questioning what had changed between us ... but he is now somewhere he can relax and cut loose, and all seems to be well again. I have been getting many, many messages a day from him ... some of them increasingly silly, as I assume there has been some "lubrication" applied to his brain. He did mention he woke up this morning with a horrible head ache ...
The point of this rambling is that once again I have learned that while I stew away about something, let it eat at me, and decide the world is ending ... he meant absolutely nothing by whatever it was he said, and I have over thought and over analyzed. I am learning, for this time I didn't ask him what was going on, react outwardly to him, or try to compensate, to "fix" it. I waited, and it turned out to be nothing, or at least nothing I had caused, or needed to worry about.
The next lesson I need to learn is to wait more patiently, without the mental torture I put myself through.
Of course, MSN and Skype are still not working between us (he thinks there is something wrong with his computer) so communication has been frustrating.
I had some posts half written about how I was feeling, the daemons in my brain, questioning what had changed between us ... but he is now somewhere he can relax and cut loose, and all seems to be well again. I have been getting many, many messages a day from him ... some of them increasingly silly, as I assume there has been some "lubrication" applied to his brain. He did mention he woke up this morning with a horrible head ache ...
The point of this rambling is that once again I have learned that while I stew away about something, let it eat at me, and decide the world is ending ... he meant absolutely nothing by whatever it was he said, and I have over thought and over analyzed. I am learning, for this time I didn't ask him what was going on, react outwardly to him, or try to compensate, to "fix" it. I waited, and it turned out to be nothing, or at least nothing I had caused, or needed to worry about.
The next lesson I need to learn is to wait more patiently, without the mental torture I put myself through.
Friday, December 10, 2010
A promise to me
When I was 19 (more years ago that seems real) I fell in love with a stone at a jeweller's. It was a lavender spinel, from Lebanon; I saved my pennies and bought it; but at the time I could only get it set as a solitaire due to financial constraints and the fact that the stone was an odd size. I did have it set, and in a jaded, naive 19 year old mind, I swore that from then on I would buy all my own jewellery, because then I would not have to return it when the man I was in love with turned false ...I was never really fond of the setting, and always said I would get it re done, but never did.
About 15 years ago, upon his return from Croatia, the Wolf gave me a small diamond ring, as a symbol of our friendship, and the promise of something more.The Wolf more recently had promised to take the spinel, and have it re-made for me into a new ring, and a promise of our life together. Obviously, that never happened.
When discussing what I would want, I said that it needed to suit me - slightly off centre, and a bit un-conventional, without being in your face about it. I had a good idea of what I wanted, then.
After things went sour with the Wolf, I continued to wear both rings for a while, until a young man wise beyond his years reminded me that symbols have power, and if I were really going to move on, maybe I should put the rings away for a while. I did, and my relationship with Sebastian began to evolve.
A few months ago, the time felt right to have the rings re-made. I took them both to a local goldsmith, and we discussed what I wanted, and what he could do. He hand carved a wax mold, which was destroyed in the making of my ring, so it is truly one of a kind, and I think it reflects me well. Unbeknownst to me until I picked it up, the small side diamond is set in what is called a "gypsy" setting ... I love that.
So this new ring is my promise ring to myself ... to remind me of my vow to live up to my own expectations and not anyone else's, to not compromise who I am for my room-mate or friends, my family, or a partner. To always be true to myself first, proud of who I am, and comfortable in my own skin.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I prefer "diverse" ...
Got a parcel via UPS from Amazon today. I don't know where it had been, but the Moose really, really wanted to help open it. Maybe the driver had it sitting beside a bag of dog treats.
The contents of my today's parcel:
I have read a lot of positive buzz on Restrepo (click for link to site), and asked Sebastian if had had a chance to see it. He hadn't even heard of it, which suprised me, but he looked into it and responded that he had been in country and in the area for the events depicted in the film, and yes he would like to see it. So I went ahead and purchased a copy. Now I am wondering if I should watch it myself first, to desensitize myself, or if i should wait and watch it with him. I will likely wait.
I did watch the clip of the interview with Staff Sgt Sal Giunta, the first living American Medal of Honour recipient since the Vietnam War. The scene in the interview that resonated the most with me was when they asked him "what went through your head when you heard you were going to be up for a Medal of Honour?" and Staff Sgt Giunta's response is "Fuck You". He goes on to explain it, but that response is what truly makes him worthy of the Medal. Those of you who know soldiers who live what they are will understand ... and I can't explain it to the rest.
The Sal Giunta Story from SebastianJunger/TimHetherington on Vimeo.
~~~~~~~~~
As I observed elsewhere though, the closer "soon" gets, the more it seems to be dragging its feet! Time seems to have slowed down. The days are just dragging lately, although thankfully I am very busy with work, so that keeps me distracted during the days.
~~~~~~~~~
I also got this parcel via UPS this morning - a replacement power supply for my external hard drive. Really, was this the most efficient use of packaging??
The contents of my today's parcel:
Yep ... one of these things is not like the other.
(So what order should homecoming be ... my new moves, then Restrepo? LOL)
I have read a lot of positive buzz on Restrepo (click for link to site), and asked Sebastian if had had a chance to see it. He hadn't even heard of it, which suprised me, but he looked into it and responded that he had been in country and in the area for the events depicted in the film, and yes he would like to see it. So I went ahead and purchased a copy. Now I am wondering if I should watch it myself first, to desensitize myself, or if i should wait and watch it with him. I will likely wait.
I did watch the clip of the interview with Staff Sgt Sal Giunta, the first living American Medal of Honour recipient since the Vietnam War. The scene in the interview that resonated the most with me was when they asked him "what went through your head when you heard you were going to be up for a Medal of Honour?" and Staff Sgt Giunta's response is "Fuck You". He goes on to explain it, but that response is what truly makes him worthy of the Medal. Those of you who know soldiers who live what they are will understand ... and I can't explain it to the rest.
The Sal Giunta Story from SebastianJunger/TimHetherington on Vimeo.
~~~~~~~~~
Comms have been very frustrating lately. MSN and Skype will both show me as on line to him, but will not show me that he is on line, and either won't deliver his mesages to me, or won't deliver my replies to him. This morning I was getting messages and answering them, but he obviously wasn't getting my answers, and he eventually decided I really wasn't here and gave up. I felt just awful. I did follow up with an e-mail, but haven't had a reply yet.
Soon, soon we will have more communication options available to us, and he will (hopefully!) have a more reliable internet connection. Soon.
As I observed elsewhere though, the closer "soon" gets, the more it seems to be dragging its feet! Time seems to have slowed down. The days are just dragging lately, although thankfully I am very busy with work, so that keeps me distracted during the days.
~~~~~~~~~
I also got this parcel via UPS this morning - a replacement power supply for my external hard drive. Really, was this the most efficient use of packaging??
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Lebanese Meat Balls
Whoo Hooo!! Domestic Witch is once again hosting her "Christmas Balls" Blog party!
Last year I contributed my recipe for Gluten Free Walnut Rum Balls. Lately I have been craving savoury more than sweet, so I have a slightly different offering (which I have been specifically requested to make for New Years!)
I was first introduced to Kofta by the Lebanese husband of a woman I belly dance with. I learned a lot from him, about cooking, and about life.
For every pound of ground meat use the following spices (more or less - I don't measure, I just go as the mood strikes me). I make it often enough that I keep a jar of the dry spices pre mixed in the cupboard.
I find it works best with beef. Ground Lamb is traditional, and I have also done it with ground turkey or chicken, which gives a much stronger flavour.
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
3 tablespoons grated onion
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
Mash the garlic into a paste with the salt using a mortar and pestle or the flat side of a chef's knife on your cutting board. Mix the garlic and everything else into the ground meat until well blended. Form the mixture into balls.(Hint - wetting your hands often while making meat balls helps keep you cleaner). Before cooking it is recommended to refrigerate them at least 30 minutes or up to 12 hours, but I am rarely organized enough to have them done in advance.I do mine in the oven (on a broiler pan) or on the BBQ. Traditionally, they would be done as kebabs over a grill, but I can never get mine to stay together on the skewers, so I just make meat balls.
They are lovely served with hummous, pita bread, fresh leaf lettuce, mint, and tzatziki ( I know tzatziki isn't Lebanese, but it is really good with Kofta!).
Stay tuned ... there may be more balls in the air before this party is over!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
To follow your passion ...
To follow your passion, you kinda need to know what it is first.
I have been thinking about this on and off lately. I have had a restlessness with my job, not true unhappiness, just the feeling that I am not where I am supposed to be, not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am coming up on 3 years in this position.
I just read an article on Yahoo! News about a lady who was given a terminal cancer diagnosis, went into remission, and has now changed careers and is living her dream - to be a truck driver. She had some truly inspirational words about being happy NOW, for one never knows what lies around the corner.
I have been thinking about it in terms of my current career. When I was on contract I used to move every six months. Usually I was brought into a project or situation that had lagged, often because the previous person had lost their passion or drive, and was asked to revitalize it. I absolutely loved the challenge of looking at a project or situation, seeing where it has gone off the rails, and finding ways to get it back on track, breathe the life back into it.
Then to leave again before I got to be the one who has stagnated, who has lost their passion.
I am not saying I am not grateful for the chance to be a permanent full time employee, the benefits, pension, seniority, and all that jazz ... but at what cost? Do I have to trade my passion for security?
I am most passionate, most alive, lately, when I am talking with people, helping them work through problems. For example, talking with the other members of the FSG, helping them find out why they are really sad or stressed, listening to them, letting them tell their story, and helping them come up with strategies to make things better.
I started out in psychology in post secondary, but quickly realized that at the time my heart was too much on my sleeve, and I had too much of a need to save the world. I would blame myself when things didn't work out, and would have burned myself out much too quickly. Have I grown out of that? Can I find a helping type profession where I would be able to fullfill my need to help without destroying myself in the process? I think so ... but I don't know how to be sure.
Sebastian has an on-going joke with me that someone with my skill set should be a spy ... but I really don't think that is a career I will pursue. I looked up on the CSIS web site - the pay is not great, for one thing! Then again, not one ever went into the environmental field for the money, either.
I am going to move forward with something; likely start with some correspondance courses. I have been offered direct entry into 3rd year of a couple of different programs at a Canadian Univeristy; and I can take a few courses before I need to commit to a path.
When I was first entering post secondary, I was accepted to both Political Science streams and Psychology streams at different, well respected universities. I chose psychology. I do not regret that choice ... I am just wondering which one to make now.
A counselling psychology stream? Psychology of the Environment / Evolutionary Psychology, which is something I have always found fascinating? Poli-Sci?
I have no idea. But I need to do something.
I have been thinking about this on and off lately. I have had a restlessness with my job, not true unhappiness, just the feeling that I am not where I am supposed to be, not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am coming up on 3 years in this position.
I just read an article on Yahoo! News about a lady who was given a terminal cancer diagnosis, went into remission, and has now changed careers and is living her dream - to be a truck driver. She had some truly inspirational words about being happy NOW, for one never knows what lies around the corner.
I have been thinking about it in terms of my current career. When I was on contract I used to move every six months. Usually I was brought into a project or situation that had lagged, often because the previous person had lost their passion or drive, and was asked to revitalize it. I absolutely loved the challenge of looking at a project or situation, seeing where it has gone off the rails, and finding ways to get it back on track, breathe the life back into it.
Then to leave again before I got to be the one who has stagnated, who has lost their passion.
I am not saying I am not grateful for the chance to be a permanent full time employee, the benefits, pension, seniority, and all that jazz ... but at what cost? Do I have to trade my passion for security?
I am most passionate, most alive, lately, when I am talking with people, helping them work through problems. For example, talking with the other members of the FSG, helping them find out why they are really sad or stressed, listening to them, letting them tell their story, and helping them come up with strategies to make things better.
I started out in psychology in post secondary, but quickly realized that at the time my heart was too much on my sleeve, and I had too much of a need to save the world. I would blame myself when things didn't work out, and would have burned myself out much too quickly. Have I grown out of that? Can I find a helping type profession where I would be able to fullfill my need to help without destroying myself in the process? I think so ... but I don't know how to be sure.
Sebastian has an on-going joke with me that someone with my skill set should be a spy ... but I really don't think that is a career I will pursue. I looked up on the CSIS web site - the pay is not great, for one thing! Then again, not one ever went into the environmental field for the money, either.
I am going to move forward with something; likely start with some correspondance courses. I have been offered direct entry into 3rd year of a couple of different programs at a Canadian Univeristy; and I can take a few courses before I need to commit to a path.
When I was first entering post secondary, I was accepted to both Political Science streams and Psychology streams at different, well respected universities. I chose psychology. I do not regret that choice ... I am just wondering which one to make now.
A counselling psychology stream? Psychology of the Environment / Evolutionary Psychology, which is something I have always found fascinating? Poli-Sci?
I have no idea. But I need to do something.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Raise your TimBits high ...
Today if the Feast Day of St Barbara (St Barbara's Day)
St Barbara is the patron saint of Artillerymen and Combat Engineers, and others who work with explosives.
Members of the Greek Artillery, and the Cypriot National Guard, celebrate with loukoumades, a traditional sweet pastry covered with honey, that is said to resemble cannon balls.
So raise your TimBits (donut holes for you Americans in the crowd) high, grab a glass, and tap and drink a toast to those past and present who put themselves in harm's way.
For the complete article (on CME), please click HERE
St Barbara is the patron saint of Artillerymen and Combat Engineers, and others who work with explosives.
Members of the Greek Artillery, and the Cypriot National Guard, celebrate with loukoumades, a traditional sweet pastry covered with honey, that is said to resemble cannon balls.
So raise your TimBits (donut holes for you Americans in the crowd) high, grab a glass, and tap and drink a toast to those past and present who put themselves in harm's way.
Saint Barbara's feast day
The CME (Canadian Military Engineers) has no patron saint, but engineers often participate in artillery celebrations honouring Saint Barbara, the patron saint of the artillery. Saint Barbara's feast day, frequently but incorrectly called her birthday, is 4 December.
Saint Barbara lived around 300 AD and was the only daughter of a wealthy heathen named Dioscorus. Legend has it that her father confined her in a tower to keep her from the influences of Christianity and so that no man could ask for her hand in marriage. While in the tower, she accepted the Christian faith against the will of her father. The officials decreed that she be tortured for her faith and put to death by beheading by her father himself. As she was about to be beheaded, she prayed that all who might invoke her aid be granted their request. A tempest arose at the moment she was killed and, amid the thunder and lightning, her father was consumed by fire.
Because of the events surrounding her death, Saint Barbara has been associated with lightning. When gunpowder made its appearance in the western world, Saint Barbara was invoked for aid against accidents resulting from explosions, and she is often the patron saint of gunners, miners and others who work with explosives. At one time her image was placed on arsenals and the magazine of a French warship is still called the "Sainte-Barbe."
For the complete article (on CME), please click HERE
Almighty God, we pray Thee to bless the Canadian Military Engineers.
May our bridges always stand, and our charges never fail.
Our members be ever loyal, and our officers worthy of their loyalty.
May we work diligently in all our purposes, and be skilled in our trades, steadfast for Queen and country everywhere.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Red Friday ~ Look into the eyes of the Enemy
(From CBC, emphasis mine)
Hear the CBC interview HERE , partway down the page.
See the rough cut of the video HERE . (26 Minutes)
I found the scenes where the Taliban fighters are looking directly into the camera stayed with me for long after. Most moving, in one scene where the look in the eyes of the fighter seems to be saddness and absolute hopelessness ... and the scene where another fighter looks into the camera with obvious insanity behind his eyes, which I think is the scene the author reefers to in the quote above.
An hour long special based on this film will be broadcast on CNN on December 11th. I would like to get a copy of that broadcast (afterward), if anyone knows where I can get one please leave me a comment below. Thanks.
Rolling tape on the Taliban
In a new documentary about the Taliban, there's a scene where one of them looks into the lens and stares at the camera, like it's an animal that needs killing.
There are several disturbing moments in the film by Norwegian journalist Paul Refsdal. It's called Taliban: Behind The Masks. And that's quite literally where he goes.
Refsdel shows the Taliban commander playing with his doomed children. An ambush of American troops. Taliban at play tossing rocks - about the only thing they're not running short of in their squalid mountain hideaway.
In total, the filmmaker spent 15 days with them, more than any other western journalist ever has, documenting how they live and fight. But he nearly paid with his life.
Hear the CBC interview HERE , partway down the page.
See the rough cut of the video HERE . (26 Minutes)
I found the scenes where the Taliban fighters are looking directly into the camera stayed with me for long after. Most moving, in one scene where the look in the eyes of the fighter seems to be saddness and absolute hopelessness ... and the scene where another fighter looks into the camera with obvious insanity behind his eyes, which I think is the scene the author reefers to in the quote above.
An hour long special based on this film will be broadcast on CNN on December 11th. I would like to get a copy of that broadcast (afterward), if anyone knows where I can get one please leave me a comment below. Thanks.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Morning writing ...
So the whole writing in the morning before I have been exposed to outside influences that might distract me from my inner voice ... that might be a challenge.
When I woke up, I needed to go pee. Of course, the dogs heard me when I got up, so then they needed to go out. The Moose has had a parasite, so when she needs to go out, she needs to go out. Right then. I got dressed and took them out. When I came back, I found 2 piles of poo on the dining room floor from the Moose. I cleaned those up, and then went to the grocery store to get a different kind of dog food to settle her stomach. Of course, I bumped into someone I knew there who wanted to talk. So we talked.
I got home, fed the dogs, got some juice, and sat down to write, got about 2/3 of one page done ... and my room mate pinged me on MSN (I know, my fault for turning it on, but ...). Then Sebastian came on line, we MSN'd for a while, then we both installed Skype (never saw the point when MSN Video was working). Skype worked a bit better than MSN messenger; he could hear me fine, but I couldn't hear him, he still had to type. We Skyped for 2.5 hours .... and now I think it doesn't count as early morning pages, and between various people, reading the news on-line while chatting (yes, we read the news together), the teenagers playing Mario and swearing at each other in the living room ... ya, I think I have had my share of outside influences this morning.
So for tomorrow, I have put my book and a pen right beside my bed ... and I am going to try to write before I get up to pee, and all things furry demand attention.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Health Coaching ... the big picture
I mentioned some time ago I was enrolling in Health Coaching, and some of you indicated a wish to know more ... well, let your wishes be fulfilled!
This was prompted partly by a number of dietary restrictions I have, and a few other health concerns. But mostly by opportunity - one of the lovely ladies with whom I belly Dance just happens to be a certified Health Coach, and gives a free initial consultation to other dancers at the same studio. After an incredibly frustrating visit with a Hospital Dietician, I took her up on her offer, and ended up signing up for 6 months of coaching.
I meet with my coach every 2 weeks. While the primary focus is on diet and nutrition, she takes a holistic approach to looking at the client's life, and addresses small, realistic changes that can be made. While there is education in notrition and other things, a lot of it is about learning to listen to and read the cues your own body is giving you. The coach realizes that what works for her may not work for everyone. Her body is happiest on a vegan diet; we are pretty sure mine would not be. And that's OK.
We have had some good, informative sessions on food, but lately we have been talking more about my exhaustion, my need to please others, and where that stems from. I was happy today to be able to report to my coach that I have seriously scaled back my Legion commitments to 3 days or so a month (unless they need me for a special event) and am going back to doing some things that nurture my soul - movement (belly dance, martial arts, the gym). music, and crafts, as well as just some long overdue down time.
We also talked about my issues with my mom, and I processed some things that happened this weekend past. I am pretty sure I am going to spend Christmas with Sebastian at his place, instead of going to my parents, which will be a very big thing, but I think is the best for me.
One of the things she has recommended to me is "Early Morning Pages", based on an activity in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron. In short, it is a commitment to get up in the morning and write two stream of conciousness pages, on anything, before your mind has been "cluttered" with e-mails, phone calls, news, or other distractions. We'll see how that goes. You may be seeing some of the reults on these pages!
My other "homework" from this session is to start setting some boundaries in my interactions with others: in reality to become pro-active about situations instead of reactive.
I'll keep y'all posted on that one, too.
This was prompted partly by a number of dietary restrictions I have, and a few other health concerns. But mostly by opportunity - one of the lovely ladies with whom I belly Dance just happens to be a certified Health Coach, and gives a free initial consultation to other dancers at the same studio. After an incredibly frustrating visit with a Hospital Dietician, I took her up on her offer, and ended up signing up for 6 months of coaching.
I meet with my coach every 2 weeks. While the primary focus is on diet and nutrition, she takes a holistic approach to looking at the client's life, and addresses small, realistic changes that can be made. While there is education in notrition and other things, a lot of it is about learning to listen to and read the cues your own body is giving you. The coach realizes that what works for her may not work for everyone. Her body is happiest on a vegan diet; we are pretty sure mine would not be. And that's OK.
We have had some good, informative sessions on food, but lately we have been talking more about my exhaustion, my need to please others, and where that stems from. I was happy today to be able to report to my coach that I have seriously scaled back my Legion commitments to 3 days or so a month (unless they need me for a special event) and am going back to doing some things that nurture my soul - movement (belly dance, martial arts, the gym). music, and crafts, as well as just some long overdue down time.
We also talked about my issues with my mom, and I processed some things that happened this weekend past. I am pretty sure I am going to spend Christmas with Sebastian at his place, instead of going to my parents, which will be a very big thing, but I think is the best for me.
One of the things she has recommended to me is "Early Morning Pages", based on an activity in The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron. In short, it is a commitment to get up in the morning and write two stream of conciousness pages, on anything, before your mind has been "cluttered" with e-mails, phone calls, news, or other distractions. We'll see how that goes. You may be seeing some of the reults on these pages!
My other "homework" from this session is to start setting some boundaries in my interactions with others: in reality to become pro-active about situations instead of reactive.
I'll keep y'all posted on that one, too.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
more "Emotional" thoughts
So as predicted, Sebastian, being the type of dude that he is, got my "you know I am here for you and I support you" e-mail and responded with an "OK ... yes, thank you, I am secure in that ... what's happened to trigger this?" type e-mail. He said he was secure in my support of him, and asked if there was maybe someone else I felt the need to send that message to, someone who I felt doubted my support. (yep, he knows I am at my parents house this weekend)
I gave him the briefest gloss of background on the other situation, told him my response there, and then my longer brain-puke here, and the comments I got (both the initial one from anonymous and the following messages of support). I indicated that I was compensating for someone else, feeling bad for a soldier whose name I didn't even know... and in reality, was likely trying to send a message to that soldier, and using Sebastian as a surrogate.
He responded that however noble it was, I shouldn't feel personally responsible for the happiness and mental security of every deployed military member (Whhaaaaat?? I can't save the world single handedly? Come on!)
He reassured me that he knew how dedicated I was, not just to him, but the the forces at large, past and present, and that my marital status did not reflect my degree of dedication or involvement, nor did any label on my relationship with him. He knew that my history with the Wolf, and the degree of background and knowledge on things CF related, did indeed give me a certain perspective ... although really, everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions.
And that "touchy MilWives going through thier own shit and lashing out at me" would do so regardless of my martial status. He has very direct first hand knowledge of whether a ring or a wedding certificate are indications of levels of support.
He knows my reality. He knows my background. He knows what I do, my volunteer work, etc. And he supports me as much as I support him.
So Anonymous, if you are still reading, I thank you for asking me to examine my thoughts and feelings, and for giving me the opportunity to have an open, honest, frank discussion with Sebastian about some things. All in all, I have to say it has ended up as a positive experience.
To everyone who supported me here and elsewhere, thank you for your support.
And for those of you who are not privy to the other board, I am also very please to relay that the woman who was in distress has had some time to process her feelings, and is working through things WITH her husband. Which in my book, is a very good thing, and I wish them all the best. Truly.
I gave him the briefest gloss of background on the other situation, told him my response there, and then my longer brain-puke here, and the comments I got (both the initial one from anonymous and the following messages of support). I indicated that I was compensating for someone else, feeling bad for a soldier whose name I didn't even know... and in reality, was likely trying to send a message to that soldier, and using Sebastian as a surrogate.
He responded that however noble it was, I shouldn't feel personally responsible for the happiness and mental security of every deployed military member (Whhaaaaat?? I can't save the world single handedly? Come on!)
He reassured me that he knew how dedicated I was, not just to him, but the the forces at large, past and present, and that my marital status did not reflect my degree of dedication or involvement, nor did any label on my relationship with him. He knew that my history with the Wolf, and the degree of background and knowledge on things CF related, did indeed give me a certain perspective ... although really, everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions.
And that "touchy MilWives going through thier own shit and lashing out at me" would do so regardless of my martial status. He has very direct first hand knowledge of whether a ring or a wedding certificate are indications of levels of support.
He knows my reality. He knows my background. He knows what I do, my volunteer work, etc. And he supports me as much as I support him.
So Anonymous, if you are still reading, I thank you for asking me to examine my thoughts and feelings, and for giving me the opportunity to have an open, honest, frank discussion with Sebastian about some things. All in all, I have to say it has ended up as a positive experience.
To everyone who supported me here and elsewhere, thank you for your support.
And for those of you who are not privy to the other board, I am also very please to relay that the woman who was in distress has had some time to process her feelings, and is working through things WITH her husband. Which in my book, is a very good thing, and I wish them all the best. Truly.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Emotional dump ...
There is a bit of a debate going on right now on a MilSpouse/Family chat board I frequent, and discretion being the better part of valour and all, I haven't been as blunt there as I would like to be. So I am going to let some things out here, to get them out, since it is weighing heavily on my emotions.
For those of my readers who *know* who Sebastian is in real life, you are likely about to learn some things you didn't know ... please keep them to yourself. While he likes to be honest about his experiences with PTSD, in the hopes of helping others and reducing the stigma involved ... it is not something he is proud of.
The trigger: There is a new mother on the chat board who is having a hard time dealing with her new baby, plus her child from a previous relationship, post-pregnancy hormones, recovery from a C-section ... and a deployed husband. She is frustrated, depressed, and resentful of her husband and his chosen career.
The part of her post that really resonated with me was when she said she was thinking about "taking a break from her husband", although I assume, based on other context, she actually means taking a break from communication with him.
The Backstory:
(author's note: I am editing this paragraph at 23:15, not in response to comments that appear below, but only to remove some details I included that I am no longer comfortable sharing. They might be details that could later be mis-used, and my comfort level is a little lower than normal right now)
Sebastian was in the sand and starting his second tour when a couple of incidents resulted in significant casualites, and left the troops physically and emotionally exhausted. This was the beginning of a tour that would see many such emotionally draining and morally damaging incidents.
Unfortunately, during this same tour, Sebastian's wife decided that she didn't care for the MilSpouse Existence, that she didn't like being "abandonded", that she wasn't going to put up with it ... and she withdrew from him. "Took a break" from him, if you will. She went further to fill her time with another man, but that is not her worst offence, in my view (and yes, I admit that I have only heard Sebastian's side of this story). She left him without the emotional base at home, the security of knowing his home life was there for him to come home to, when he had suffered emotional and moral trauma. She left him adrift to deal with the horrors that he was facing, without the momentary distractions that a phone call or e-mail from home, filled with little every day details, can provide. At this point in his life, he was also not in touch at all with his birth family.
When he came home, he tried to heal ... he tried to repair things with his wife... but she ended up leaving anyway, and his damage was so great, and his foundation and coping system so damaged, that in the end he gave up ... and tried to take his own life. Thank all the powers that be that he was found, and received treatment, both physical and mental, and is here today. He grew from this experience, but still bears the mental scars.
So when the woman on the chat board feels that one of the answers to her suffering is to cut her deployed husband out of the picture for a while ... I have a very deep, visceral reaction to that, because I know what that could do to her husband. Yes, I am sure that caring for a newborn while alone is hard. But I am pretty sure that being away from your wife and newborn, while people are shooting at you and trying to blow you up, is also pretty freaking hard, and loosing that contact from home, that foundation that helps you get through your days ... I know she would not forgive herself if something happened to him.
And right now I am having a very, very hard time forgiving her for considering that option.
It probably doesn't help that there are some frequency/jamming issues right now and I can't actually communicate with Sebastian much ... and I am feeling kinda needy, myself. This has stirred up a lot of feeling. I know he knows that I am here, that I am not going anywhere, and that I am strong enough to handle the separation. He may not need to hear it from me again, but I need to tell him. I did send him an e-mail (that I am sure will make him wonder where the hell that came from), but I just ... need.
Hopefully dumping some of the emotion here will help.
Thanks for listening.
For those of my readers who *know* who Sebastian is in real life, you are likely about to learn some things you didn't know ... please keep them to yourself. While he likes to be honest about his experiences with PTSD, in the hopes of helping others and reducing the stigma involved ... it is not something he is proud of.
The trigger: There is a new mother on the chat board who is having a hard time dealing with her new baby, plus her child from a previous relationship, post-pregnancy hormones, recovery from a C-section ... and a deployed husband. She is frustrated, depressed, and resentful of her husband and his chosen career.
The part of her post that really resonated with me was when she said she was thinking about "taking a break from her husband", although I assume, based on other context, she actually means taking a break from communication with him.
The Backstory:
(author's note: I am editing this paragraph at 23:15, not in response to comments that appear below, but only to remove some details I included that I am no longer comfortable sharing. They might be details that could later be mis-used, and my comfort level is a little lower than normal right now)
Sebastian was in the sand and starting his second tour when a couple of incidents resulted in significant casualites, and left the troops physically and emotionally exhausted. This was the beginning of a tour that would see many such emotionally draining and morally damaging incidents.
Unfortunately, during this same tour, Sebastian's wife decided that she didn't care for the MilSpouse Existence, that she didn't like being "abandonded", that she wasn't going to put up with it ... and she withdrew from him. "Took a break" from him, if you will. She went further to fill her time with another man, but that is not her worst offence, in my view (and yes, I admit that I have only heard Sebastian's side of this story). She left him without the emotional base at home, the security of knowing his home life was there for him to come home to, when he had suffered emotional and moral trauma. She left him adrift to deal with the horrors that he was facing, without the momentary distractions that a phone call or e-mail from home, filled with little every day details, can provide. At this point in his life, he was also not in touch at all with his birth family.
When he came home, he tried to heal ... he tried to repair things with his wife... but she ended up leaving anyway, and his damage was so great, and his foundation and coping system so damaged, that in the end he gave up ... and tried to take his own life. Thank all the powers that be that he was found, and received treatment, both physical and mental, and is here today. He grew from this experience, but still bears the mental scars.
So when the woman on the chat board feels that one of the answers to her suffering is to cut her deployed husband out of the picture for a while ... I have a very deep, visceral reaction to that, because I know what that could do to her husband. Yes, I am sure that caring for a newborn while alone is hard. But I am pretty sure that being away from your wife and newborn, while people are shooting at you and trying to blow you up, is also pretty freaking hard, and loosing that contact from home, that foundation that helps you get through your days ... I know she would not forgive herself if something happened to him.
And right now I am having a very, very hard time forgiving her for considering that option.
It probably doesn't help that there are some frequency/jamming issues right now and I can't actually communicate with Sebastian much ... and I am feeling kinda needy, myself. This has stirred up a lot of feeling. I know he knows that I am here, that I am not going anywhere, and that I am strong enough to handle the separation. He may not need to hear it from me again, but I need to tell him. I did send him an e-mail (that I am sure will make him wonder where the hell that came from), but I just ... need.
Hopefully dumping some of the emotion here will help.
Thanks for listening.
Happy (American) Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.
In the spirit of being thankful for what I can, and taking every opportunity to try to recognize it, here is what I am Thankful for today, in no particular order:
~ that my dad is sill around to celebrate his 84th birthday this weekend - go dad!
~ that he has my beautiful niece to celebrate it with, and he has had a chance to know her, and she him
~ that I have had the chance to personally know so many of the brave men and women who do their part for our country, and the world, through their service in the Armed Forces
~ that modern technology lets me have semi-regular communication with a very special member of that group, even though he is far away from me right now
~ that the aforementioned special guy exits, and that we were brought together and have had a chance to know each other
~ that I have a job I *mostly* love, which allows me a comfortable life style
~ that I have many true friends, both "real life" and on-line, who support me and share their lives with me
~ that I have had 14 wonderful years with my fur-child, and she shows no signs of slowing down yet
~ that I live in a country that allows me, a woman, to have all the opportunities I do
~ that I live in a country that allows me access to health care so that I can live the most productive, fullfilling life I can, in spite of a few challenges
Count all your blessings, friends, and bless all you can.
Peace and love be with you all.
In the spirit of being thankful for what I can, and taking every opportunity to try to recognize it, here is what I am Thankful for today, in no particular order:
~ that my dad is sill around to celebrate his 84th birthday this weekend - go dad!
~ that he has my beautiful niece to celebrate it with, and he has had a chance to know her, and she him
~ that I have had the chance to personally know so many of the brave men and women who do their part for our country, and the world, through their service in the Armed Forces
~ that modern technology lets me have semi-regular communication with a very special member of that group, even though he is far away from me right now
~ that the aforementioned special guy exits, and that we were brought together and have had a chance to know each other
~ that I have a job I *mostly* love, which allows me a comfortable life style
~ that I have many true friends, both "real life" and on-line, who support me and share their lives with me
~ that I have had 14 wonderful years with my fur-child, and she shows no signs of slowing down yet
~ that I live in a country that allows me, a woman, to have all the opportunities I do
~ that I live in a country that allows me access to health care so that I can live the most productive, fullfilling life I can, in spite of a few challenges
Count all your blessings, friends, and bless all you can.
Peace and love be with you all.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I don't understand
Today's post was going to be about something else entirely, about light topics like weight loss and homecoming, and things like that.
But I read the news before I came here, and my lightness has leaked out.
CBC: Crank Caller Tells Military Families Thier Loved One Has Been Killed
Now, we are all told, repeatedly, that the Canadian Military DOES NOT DO THIS WITH A PHONE CALL. If the worst were to happen, 2 people in uniform show up at your door, and one of them (the Assisting Officer) stays with you. You absolutely, under no circumstances, get a phone call.
Even knowing that, to have your phone ring in the middle of the night, when the other side of your bed is empty, and have someone tell you your partner, son, or other loved one has been killed by an IED ... I don't know how many of us would have the wherewithall to remember that is not how things are done, to hang up and dial *57 to initiate a trace on the call, and to report it to the police. I expect most of us would have some sort of breakdown first.
I usually don't read the comments posted after on-line news articles, because they generally make me angry. But I would like to send a huge national hug out to all the Canadian (an others, likely) commenters who have been universally supportive of military families, and who fall into 2 camps regarding the creep who has done this: 1) release his name to the public, and let the public deal with him, and 2) send him over to the sand, and let him feel what it is like.
My heart goes out to any families who have been a victim of this horrid, horrid person.
Of course, the other thing in the news today is the escalating tensions between North and South Korea, and specifically China and the US by association, although the tensions are of course spilling to other countries as well.
As my brother once pointed out to me, regarding the Wolf at the time, "well, at least he has job security - there's always gonna be someone out there who needs killing", we were all hoping that the next major conflict wouldn't rear its head quite so soon.
Special prayers to the sailors on the USS George Washington and their families for safety, the people of the Koreas for peace, and all leaders for wisdom.
But I read the news before I came here, and my lightness has leaked out.
CBC: Crank Caller Tells Military Families Thier Loved One Has Been Killed
Now, we are all told, repeatedly, that the Canadian Military DOES NOT DO THIS WITH A PHONE CALL. If the worst were to happen, 2 people in uniform show up at your door, and one of them (the Assisting Officer) stays with you. You absolutely, under no circumstances, get a phone call.
Even knowing that, to have your phone ring in the middle of the night, when the other side of your bed is empty, and have someone tell you your partner, son, or other loved one has been killed by an IED ... I don't know how many of us would have the wherewithall to remember that is not how things are done, to hang up and dial *57 to initiate a trace on the call, and to report it to the police. I expect most of us would have some sort of breakdown first.
I usually don't read the comments posted after on-line news articles, because they generally make me angry. But I would like to send a huge national hug out to all the Canadian (an others, likely) commenters who have been universally supportive of military families, and who fall into 2 camps regarding the creep who has done this: 1) release his name to the public, and let the public deal with him, and 2) send him over to the sand, and let him feel what it is like.
My heart goes out to any families who have been a victim of this horrid, horrid person.
Of course, the other thing in the news today is the escalating tensions between North and South Korea, and specifically China and the US by association, although the tensions are of course spilling to other countries as well.
As my brother once pointed out to me, regarding the Wolf at the time, "well, at least he has job security - there's always gonna be someone out there who needs killing", we were all hoping that the next major conflict wouldn't rear its head quite so soon.
Special prayers to the sailors on the USS George Washington and their families for safety, the people of the Koreas for peace, and all leaders for wisdom.
Monday, November 22, 2010
days ... not weeks, DAYS!!!!!!
Chatting with Sebastian this morning, he mentioned how many days it is until he leaves the sandbox. It is still double digits, but low enough that he is actually counting it in days now too. Days. Not weeks, days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Homecoming Brain
When a woman is in the last stages of pregnancy, and into the early stages of caring for her new infant, she often experiences something referred to as "Baby Brain". Baby brain is thought to be an evolutionary adaptation that was designed to focus the woman's energy and instincts on protecting herself and the new life she is responsible for. It so focusses her mental energy it often causes problems with short term memory and cognitive reasoning.
I am wondering tonight if homecoming brain works the same way, although I can't come up with a logical evolutionary reason for it. Maybe some univeristy somewhere can get a government grant to study it and see if similar hormones released when anticipating the return of a loved one from a danger zone, compared to the act of giving birth?
All I know is that the closer we get to Sebstian's return, the more often I find myself standing in the living room, wondering what I came in for ... driving into town, and getting there and not remembering what store I was going to, or why ... stopping half way through a sentance, without the train of thought I was on ... and most often, turning on my computer, and finding that hours have passed, and I haven't done anything constructive, at all.
Of course, I wake up at 2 am and remember all the things I meant to do. I do keep a pen and paper beside my bed. Sometimes I even use them.
Does this happen to the rest of you?
I am wondering tonight if homecoming brain works the same way, although I can't come up with a logical evolutionary reason for it. Maybe some univeristy somewhere can get a government grant to study it and see if similar hormones released when anticipating the return of a loved one from a danger zone, compared to the act of giving birth?
All I know is that the closer we get to Sebstian's return, the more often I find myself standing in the living room, wondering what I came in for ... driving into town, and getting there and not remembering what store I was going to, or why ... stopping half way through a sentance, without the train of thought I was on ... and most often, turning on my computer, and finding that hours have passed, and I haven't done anything constructive, at all.
Of course, I wake up at 2 am and remember all the things I meant to do. I do keep a pen and paper beside my bed. Sometimes I even use them.
Does this happen to the rest of you?
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