About my booty...

I carry a bit of extra weight.  I like food, I admit it.

Unfortunately, none of the extra weight is on my butt.

Although well endowed up top, genetics and years of martial arts have left me with flat, boyish hips and a flat butt.  The booty issue has been reinforced a few times lately.

I mentioned earlier the shopping trip to Old Navy, and the lack of booty lifting that occurred when I tried on their much touted booty-lifting jeans.  And TW's crack that they needed at least a base to work with, I couldn't expect miracles.

I bar tended last night.  I also desperately need to do laundry.  Instead of my usual black jeans, I ended up bar tending in a pair of black dress pants.

The bar tender I replaced stayed for a drink or 2, and to listen to the Karaoke.  She kept telling me to hike up my pants at the back - they were slipping down, ruining the line of the waist band, and making my butt baggy looking.  Sigh.  She actually said my butt was flat.

A couple of folks (ladies) sitting at the bar picked up on it, and all I heard for the rest of the night was the fact that I have "no ass".  One of the ladies (who I had never met before, and had a laugh like Fran Dreschler, bless her soul) told me I was "Pretty enough to get away with it, but (you) really have no ass".  The man with them wisely kept his mouth closed, and just drank his rye & ginger.

No not only is this a problem because it makes my pants fit funny, and cause me discomfort when I sit on hard surfaces, but it is a negative to me when I belly dance as well.  I have posted before about the need for some voluptua on a dancer.  Especially with "hard" moves, when you come to a hard stop on a hip lock for example, you need some jiggle at the end of the move, to make the embelishments on your costume dance.  You also get a much nicer look from rounded hips, and a rounder bum.

So I was back in the gym today.  Tring to create some booty.  Baby needs some back.  I see a lot of squats in my future ....

Wish me luck on my quest.

I'm tired

I'm tired of being alone - not alone physically, that I can deal with, but alone in my heart, and in my head.


I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.


I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.


I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.


I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.


I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.

I'm just tired ....

Perspective

Sometimes life hands you perspective along with a good smack up side the head.

I won't go into details, but I have a few friends right now that are going through some hard things.  It has been making me less patient with both myself, and with the Wolf.  I am in pain over the long term consequences of some of these things, and I am lashing out a bit in response.

Yep, I've been through some crap in my life.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and deal.  I've done it before, I'll undoubtedly have to do it again.  I have reached out for, and received, help and support.  On I go, one step at a time.

Wolf?  Yep, you've had some shitty cards dealt to you along the way to.  It is now time to get your head out of your ass, accept the help that is being offered to you, or in some cases, in your own words "crammed down your throat".  Take some ownership of your life.  Deal with your issues.  Get over yourself.

I am not turning my back on the Wolf.  I am not cutting him loose.  I am, however, done making excuses for his behaviour, to myself or to anyone else.

Not sure how long this current state of mind is going to last, but its where I am today.

Does He Deserve Me?

Does the Wolf Deserve Me?

I have been asked variations of this question a few times.  My answer is yes, unreservedly.  He is a good man, and deserves the very best of me, the best I am capable of being, the best I have to give.

The more relevant question, and the one harder to answer is;

What do I deserve?

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to not suffer.  I, in return, deserve the very best of him, the best he is capable of being, the best he has to give.

But what is the best he has to give, the best he is capable of being?  And who gets to define that?

And will the best he has to give, all he is capable of giving at this point in his journey, be enough for me?

I spent 2009 in a quest to quit striving to live up to the expectations of others, and start living up to my own.  A friend of mine observed that a great deal of my angst and pain is caused by the failure of my relationship with the Wolf to live up to other people's standards - my friends, my parents, society at large.

He does make me happy, the majority of the time. 

So I wait, I bide my time, until we can be face to face and sort some things out.

Letter to my Wolf

I have been having a rough couple of days.  Between the Wolf being on HTLA without me, and a few other things ... I am having a hard time staying positive.  A lot of people, including some of the Wolf's family, are telling me to stay strong, that he needs me to be his rock, his safe place; he needs me to prove that I am not the other women in his life, that he can trust me to be here ... but how long can you go without positive feedback and encouragement?  They say to wait until the end of summer when he returns ... but by the time he does come home, who will I be?  Will I have lost myself?  How much longer can I stay like this, grasping at crumbs he may drop me, followed by weeks of pushing me away?

~~~

That was not the introduction I intended to write, but it is what poured out, and I am going to leave it there ...

I wrote the letter below to the Wolf just now.  I haven't mailed it yet, and am not sure if I will ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not sending this to you to provoke a reaction, to make you feel bad, or to elicit any sort or promise or response. While I hope you actually read it, I know I have no control over that. I am sending it because I felt I needed to say these things, to be true to myself.



A year ago was in (the states) with you, and finished falling in love with you. The next step in a relationship that had been building its foundation for over 20 years. We had a great week, I thought. We were good together. We talked about the future, made plans. You even made me go into a jewelry store with you to tell you what I liked and what I didn’t. A year ago we were excited about the future, the possibilities, and exploring them together.


Five months ago you dropped a bomb on me. We had talked the night before about the things we were going to do while I was out (at your base) with you. You started the conversation on Monday night by telling me you had leave to burn up, that you could spend the whole week with me. Then, within 5 minutes, you were telling me you didn’t want me to come out and see you before you left. You said not only you didn’t love me, you never had. You said that when you talked about a future with me you must have been drunk.


I almost let that destroy me. I spent a lot of time in a very bad place, mentally. But with time, a lot of work, support of good people, and a lot of reflection, I think I am back to a place where I will be OK, no matter what happens.

Through it all, I have continued to love you like I have loved no one else in my life.

A lot has happened in the past year, and as I write this you are (on HTLA) , hopefully having a wonderful time, and also maybe finding some peace, and a chance to think about your life, and what you want from it.

I will continue to love you with all my heart. I may get hurt, but I will be true to who I am. I have spent too long in my life living up to the expectations of others, doing what other people want me to do. This is who I am, and I will honour it.

I kept saying to you that I needed to know I occur to you. I see know that the gifts you bought me, the things I so ungraciously always accepted, meant that I did occur to you. I am sorry for how I always reacted to the gifts.

You say you are zen and you live in the moment, but you push me away because of “what ifs” far off in the future. You say you live in the moment and don’t borrow trouble or worry about things that “might” happen, and then you shut me out to avoid “potential drama”, and me “waking up 2 or 3 years from now and realizing I’ve wasted all this time”.   You say I am different from the other women in your life, yet still punish me for things they have done to you.

You told me you didn’t do the “typical” pre-deployment pull away that the literature warns about, but you emotionally discarded me before you left. And that’s what hurts the most. I can accept that you are physically far away from me, that you have limited access to communication. But the distance you have created between us mentally and emotionally is what has hurt me so much, what nags at the corners of my brain when I can’t sleep.

You will understand if I am confused sometimes by your words, and choose to look at your actions instead. And you actions tell me that you did love me, that you do care for me, and that there is still hope.

The thinking, the meditating, and the work I have done since you “dropped your bomb” on me the end of September have all led me to the same conclusion – we have a strong foundation, and I believe we can work through what has happened and build “us” up again. I honestly do.

I was seriously messed up by what happened at the end of September, but it forced me to take a step back and take a good long hard look at myself and my own actions. Part of that good hard look involved professional therapy. I freely admit I have some issues of my own, but I am working on them, and I don’t believe that they are insurmountable.

You told me in October that this was not about another woman; that it was about things you needed to work through for yourself. You didn’t, and haven’t, made me any promises about anything in the future, but you haven’t ruled out the possibility either, and neither have I. We did agree that if we found ourselves attracted to anyone we would let each other know. I just want to let you know that I am still committed to you; I honestly cannot see myself with anyone else. I felt with you something I had never felt before with anyone else I had been involved with. I honestly cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else to only give them a small part of my heart, when it really still belongs to you – I would be living a lie.

I am still open to, and quite honestly hoping for, reconciliation, and a chance to try to re-build a relationship with you that goes beyond friendship.

I am still wearing the ring you gave me.


I worry about you. As I told you, I cannot turn off my concern for you simply because you tell me you don’t have feelings for me. I don’t worry so much about your physical safety, but I am concerned about … the peacefulness of your soul, your heart. I don’t know how to put in into words well.

I miss you. I miss you in the physical sense, but I was prepared to deal with that, and knew I would be OK. I miss you emotionally, and mentally; knowing you are there for me, the security of knowing that you care for me. Knowing that you had my back. I miss the reality of “us”, the security it gave me, the peace and the happiness it brought me. There are times I feel it still, I KNOW it is still there …

The door stays open.

Things that make you go hmmmmm .....

I just found a bright blue stickie note in my shoe that says: 

Your guess is as good as mine ....

Needs ....

Don't worry, Coffey, this isn't a post about sex. I know those traumatize you. ;-)

For Lent this year, I am giving up (or trying to give up) buying anything I don't NEED. I do give up something for Lent every year, more as an exercise in self control, to prove to myself that I can, than a religious sacrifice. (Although I am nominally Catholic).

Unfortunately, I am struggling more than usual with the definition of NEED. The Wolf says I think too hard. I am also finding it harder than I remember to not give in to WANTS.

Do I NEED to be buying things to send to the Wolf in his care packages? I am rationalizing this one in that I gave stuff up, he didn't. So I am not buying things for myself, I am letting this one slide.

TW talked me into going to Old Navy with her yesterday. They have all their jeans on sale for $19.99. Her argument was that I can't run around naked in Canada in February, and I really do *need* new jeans. Fortunately for my conscious, even the "booty lifting" jeans did nothing for my booty - seems they need at least a base to work with. So gotta head to the gym and create a booty ...

TW and I also went out for lunch. Her argument being I NEED to eat. I had given her eldest child a ride back to the city she currently lives in, and it was lunch time. But did I NEED Moxie's mosaic dip with tortilla chips, and a smoked bacon and cheddar omlette?

I NEED groceries. But do I need treats? Nacho Chips? Chocolate? Do I NEED ice cream to watch the Canada - US Men's Hockey Game tonight? Do we NEED rum & coke to go with the game?

It is easier to make decisions on things like the amazing Buddha wall hanging I saw yesterday. I can't get it out of my head. I really, really want it. But I don't NEED it. So if it is still there after Easter, all good, and if not - its not.

I NEED to put gas in my truck to do my job (and I do NEED my job). But should I be limiting pleasure trips, so I am only using gas for NEEDs?

I guess this is good, because at least I am thinking about everything I do, not running on auto pilot, and making conscious choices about my actions.

Now if I could only do something about that marvelous Catholic guilt ...

30 Days through Afghanistan

Check this blog out.

30 Days Through Afghanistan

Two American Soldiers, Video-Blogger Tech Sgt Ken Raimondi and Text Blogger Tech Sgt Nathan Gallahan are spending 30 days travelling and blogging their activities, to help you  and I "share the stories, meet the people, and experience, first hand, the counter insurgency".

Days 10, 11, 12, and 13 (current as of the post of this blog) are spent with Canadian Troops. 

Day 6 is life in KAF, inteviews with British Soldiers.  I particularly like the dig about the Green Bean being the "second choice", since "unfortunately, the Timmy Horton's was closed".   :-)

Thank you to membrain over at What The F*&#!?!? for the head's up about this site.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

I'm sorry ...

Yep. This version suits me way better. :-)

Disclaimer: No, I am not pissy with, nor homicidal towards, anyone in particular. I just find this amusing.

This Wednesday is wordy ....

The Wolf is on HTLA (R&R Leave) and has gone somewhere we had talked about and planned on going together. Somewhere he had been before, knew I would love, and was very excited about sharing with me.

He is there without me. I am still here in Canada.

While that does hurt, sometimes more than others, I am still glad he has gone. A number of friends have indicated that really, they almost wish they had not seen their loved one on leave; that they weren't "all the way" there, and that the second good bye was as hard, if not harder than, the first.

Now a lot of guys, especially someone who is still an infanteer in his heart, would spend their leave, if without their partner, drinking and carousing. While I am under no delusions that there will be some of that, it is not his main focus.

The wolf has gone to spend his leave with the father of a friend, a 7th Dan in the martial art he trains; and to visit temples and meditate. I know from previous experience that he won't be sharing those stories with the folks in his unit; some of them might understand, but most would harass him.

I truly hope that his time there brings him some peace. He has still been fighting the survivor guilt demons, harder lately with the deaths of some people he knew. He feels he is not doing his share, safe behind the wire while his friends and "family" are giving their lives.

I hope he finds his center again, his place of peace. I can't even begin to imagine what he is going through. I know this can give him a different kind of peace than I would ever be able to offer.

I hope the universe sends him love and peace, and that he is open enough to receive it. I hope he finds in his friend's father someone he can be open and honest with; a mentor in more than just the martial arts. I truly hope he enjoys his leave, and it is good for him.

He has promised to relay the stories to me, and I know he will be honest with me. As much as it hurts to be "left behind", I really do wish him nothing but the best in this.

Self control

If anyone knows where I might find some, please let me know ....

I like to support local agriculture, which means finances (and freezer space) are a bit tight this week.  See, my beef person and my lamb persona both killed a few weeks ago, so I have, counting part of a deer, a couple of turkeys, and some fish, close to 300 lbs of meat in my freezer at the moment.  And I should really only be buying essentials until next pay day.

It seems I need to re-define "essentials".

There is an awesome pewter and rock shop near my house, with a great section for beaders - lots of pewter and sterling beads and findings, plus an amazing selection of stones, in many shapes, sizes, and cuts.  I always spend too much money when I am in there. 

I convinced myself I could stop in today and only buy a package of lobster clasps I "needed".

Riiiiight.

I grabbed my lobster clasps, and then thought "Oh, I'll just take a look, get some ideas", and I saw this:

This is "Mookite"  or Mook Jasper, from Mooka Creek in Australia.  I knew nothing about it except I liked it, and was really drawn to it.  When I looked it up (just now!) it is said to have healing and grounding properties, and to be good for "moving on in life".   Hmmmmmm.

I also found these:

They were listed as "fusion goldstone" - fused regular and dyed blue goldstone is my guess.  They are 4mm size.  I bought 2 lengths (about 30" in total).  I think they will look quite nice when combined with a silver triskele that recently came into my keeping.

So much for my "just lobster clasps".

Sigh.

Guess I'm eating a lot of meat between now and payday.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

In light of this week's events in Trenton, I have postponed the original post I had scheduled for today and added this one in its place.


Wow. This has been a very emotional week for everyone in Trenton, everyone associated with Air Command, and everyone associated with the Canadian Forces.

The commander of 8 Wing has been charged with 2 counts of first degree murder in the cases of 2 young women (one civilian, one military) and sexually assaulting 2 others - with investiagtions pending of a number of other incidents, and more charges pending. For more info, please see CBC articles

here and here.

Emotions are running very high right now in all these communities. Gen. Walter Natynczyk encouraged members of the Forces, and especially members of Air Command, to continue to wear their uniforms proudly in public, despite incedents like these, reported on a chat forum I belong to:

one CF member got spat on, and one got hasseled at a gas station...Please keep Trenton CF and Military families in your thought and prayers during this tragic time... I myself have had many negative comments directed at me... one was "Fucking Military" ... I almost wanted to reply " Fucking Civies"; but I
won't...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out and about yesterday we overhead two older women talking
about "what a shame" and "how horrible" in regards to the base commanders arrest and the allegations against him. There were many comments, quite loudly, beingtalked about in a busy public place. One of the comments was "well you know these people do so many horrible things we never hear about".

Just as I was about to open my mouth, a young girl about 16, maybe 17, spoke up in line.

"What people" she asked. The two older gals shut up and looked
at her. "You mean military? or do you mean someone who is criminally ill ?".

The girl then looked them straight in the face and said,"My Dad has worn the same uniform forever, and he would help anybody who needed it. He and so many others put up with conditions you couldn't handle for a SECOND. Watch what you say, cause it would be like me saying women over 60 should never drive because you know THOSE PEOPLE are dangerous on the road"

Well those two ladies huffed out of line and 3 of us actually clapped for the young gal. She got so red and was blushing, but you could see the tears in her eyes. What a strong young woman, a credit to her family.

Please don't let this incident affect your support of the troops; the folks down in Haiti, in Afghanistan, in the Persian Gulf, helping in various African countries, maintaining security at the Olympics, and all the various other places the CF serves, including in our very own communities.

Support our troops, and their families. Now more than ever, they need it, as they try to heal from this incident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edit to add:  Please also see this article in the Globe and Mail from Major-General (Retired) Lewis MacKenzie.  Well said, sir, well said!

Wordless Wednesday

Post it note Tuesday

make your own post its at Super Stickies

Lauren's Hope

After a few years of procrastinating, I finally ordered myself a new Medical ID Bracelet tonight.  Kind of.

I have worn a Medic Alert Bracelet since I was 4 years old, and almost died after suffering an allergic reaction to penicillin.  I have gone through quite a few in my time; my most recent one finally wore out about a year ago, and I have been prcrastinating on replacing it.  Which is very bad on my part, since I am actually acutely allergic to a few common drugs now, as well as some foods.  I have a couple of medical conditions to boot.

Some of you also know I like to bead, and design my own jewellery.  So I was very happy to discover Lauren's Hope, a medical ID bracelet site where you can order just the information plate, to design your own bracelet around, or you can either custom design a bracelet on their site, or order one of their many bracelet options, designed with the "younger crowd" in mind.

How the name came about :

Lauren Philips is an active 21 year old. She also has diabetes. Unfortunately, like many diabetes patients her age, she refused to wear a potentially life-saving ID bracelet. Why? Because "it's ugly and it draws attention to my illness." Lauren's mom realized the potential danger Lauren could be in with out her tag. So, she asked us to design Lauren a new stylish bracelet she would feel comfortable wearing. The rest is history!

I ordered the ID/info plate, engraved. Now I can proceed to make myself a number of bracelets to suit my mood or my outfit.  I see another use for boot blousers to add to the list!  And my mom can quit worrying about me getting in a car accident and dying not from my injuries, but from an an aphalactic reaction.

Lazy Sunday Mornings ....

Late night at the Legion last night ... so slept a bit late this morning, got up, got dressed, went and met a friend ...

wandered down to the local café for coffee and a muffin ....

mmmm, cornmeal, my favorite.  We wandered down to the park, bumped into a couple of other friends, caught up on the week's events ....

ran around a bit ....Back home now, spending the afternoon on the sofa relaxing.

Have a good Sunday, everyone!

196 days ...

196 days since I have been in the Wolf's arms.

And, according to best guesses, 196 days before I have any reasonable expectation of being in his arms again.  (Roughly.  A moving target.  Stand by to stand by. Yes, I know this will change roughly a million times, but I gotta have something.)

That means it should start getting easier, right?  That since we are now 1/2 way, I should be able to tell myslef we've made it this far, we are in the home stretch?

It is getting easier, but I think it is my attitude and my own mental self improvement project, vs any number on a calendar.  I really don't want to create any false expectations for myself.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

Red Friday 

Support the Troops

Support the Families

Extra thoughts this Friday to my friends with loved ones away, no matter where they are.

All images courtesy of Canadian Forces Image Gallery, Canada's Department of National Defense