My last post was a bit sucky, negative, and glass half empty. I thought about deleting it, but as my dear friend Thormoo has observed, it does represent what I was feeling at the time, so I am leaving it alone.
Better mood today.
I was thinking this morning about a lot of things. Specifically, for some reason, Sebastian's potential 5th business trip to the sand, and his CO's comment that "your luck has to run out sometime".
It does, and it doesn't, really. I mean yes, eventually we all die, but I wouldn't necessarily call that one's luck running out.
Statistically, I don't believe anyone is more likely to come to harm on their 5th deployment to a certain region than on their first. I don't care to research the statistics, but I would think if anything your training, instincts, experience and maturity, all of which contribute to "luck", would have increased.
Even if he doesn't go back to the sand, there will always be another place that needs the help of brave men and women like S. Afghanistan was not his first deployment, and it will likely not be the last. There are other places all over the world where people are in danger. Even on Canadian soil, any of us could fall to tragedy without warning.
I know I am not going to have this mind set every day; part of writing this down is so I can come back and remind myself. Something to re-read when I am having a not so rational day.
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Rights ...
Disclaimer: I really try to keep my comments on other people's blogs, and on chat boards, polite, non-confrontational, and moderate. But that means I get to come here and say what I really think.
I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments. As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content. Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong. I enjoy honest, respectful debate.
I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person. She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons. He husband is aware of her unhappiness. I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.
The subject of sex between them came up. She is not interested in having sex with this man. On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"
I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me. I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.
My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."
Some of the other readers disagree with me. I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll. But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.
Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to. He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body".
That line has haunted me since he said it.
Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said. I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he. I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line. He pushed me away, and rolled over. I doubt either of us slept much.
In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right. A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.
The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.
The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant. No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to. You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.
For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that. He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me. That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still. That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.
So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!
(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened. I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed. Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)
I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments. As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content. Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong. I enjoy honest, respectful debate.
I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person. She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons. He husband is aware of her unhappiness. I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.
The subject of sex between them came up. She is not interested in having sex with this man. On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"
I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me. I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.
My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."
Some of the other readers disagree with me. I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll. But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.
Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to. He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body".
That line has haunted me since he said it.
Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said. I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he. I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line. He pushed me away, and rolled over. I doubt either of us slept much.
In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right. A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.
The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.
The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant. No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to. You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.
For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that. He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me. That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still. That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.
So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!
(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened. I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed. Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Expectations ...
There was a man, friend of a friend, we'll call hiim George. George was starting to go bald, so one Thursday night he shaved his head.
At the end of the day Friday, his boss came up to him and said "Come to my office first thing Monday morning, I need to talk to you" and walked away.
George worried all weekend. Was he in trouble for shaving his head? Did it present the wrong image? Was his job at risk? What was he going to do, what was he going to say, how would he handle this? George's kids wanted to go to the park, but George couldn't enjoy his time with them, because he was thinking about his boss. After the kids were in bed, Mrs George wanted to have some quality time with her husband, but George's heart wasn't in it. Poor George had himself worked into a frenzy by Monday morning. Sleep deprived and frightened, he went into his boss' office.
"Please shut the door", said the boss, looking mildly uncomfortable as well.
Geroge shut the door, a fine bead of sweat breaking out on his brow.
"Thanks for coming to see me George" said the boss. "I noticed you shaved your head. And, well ... I'm starting to go bald, and I wondered if that was why you did it? I have been thinking about shaving my head, and I wondered if you are glad you did it, happy with your decision?"
George was stunned. He had spent all weekend worrying, instead of enjoying himself ... for no reason.
~~~~~~~~~
I realy this story for two reasons.
One, be careful how you say things, because people can easily see an innocent comment through the filter of their own experience. Be aware of people's reactions to the things you say.
Two, and much more importantly: we often waste so much of our time, energy, and happiness, wondering what something "really means", and what "might happen", that we miss out on the important things in life.
On a small scale, I had texted Sebastian a few times yesterday, and never got a response. Of course, being me, I had convinced myself I had done something to upset him. Until today, when I got a text from him asking what I thought of some pics he had sent me ... he never received any of my texts.
On a large scale, with recent developments in Libya ... it will be very easy for us to "borrow trouble", and let our imaginations run.
So this is our new catch phrase - remind yourself, when you are having a "shaved head" moment, that the reality is likely going to be much less stressful than whatever your imagination is cooking up. Take a deep breath, and carry on.
At the end of the day Friday, his boss came up to him and said "Come to my office first thing Monday morning, I need to talk to you" and walked away.
George worried all weekend. Was he in trouble for shaving his head? Did it present the wrong image? Was his job at risk? What was he going to do, what was he going to say, how would he handle this? George's kids wanted to go to the park, but George couldn't enjoy his time with them, because he was thinking about his boss. After the kids were in bed, Mrs George wanted to have some quality time with her husband, but George's heart wasn't in it. Poor George had himself worked into a frenzy by Monday morning. Sleep deprived and frightened, he went into his boss' office.
"Please shut the door", said the boss, looking mildly uncomfortable as well.
Geroge shut the door, a fine bead of sweat breaking out on his brow.
"Thanks for coming to see me George" said the boss. "I noticed you shaved your head. And, well ... I'm starting to go bald, and I wondered if that was why you did it? I have been thinking about shaving my head, and I wondered if you are glad you did it, happy with your decision?"
George was stunned. He had spent all weekend worrying, instead of enjoying himself ... for no reason.
~~~~~~~~~
I realy this story for two reasons.
One, be careful how you say things, because people can easily see an innocent comment through the filter of their own experience. Be aware of people's reactions to the things you say.
Two, and much more importantly: we often waste so much of our time, energy, and happiness, wondering what something "really means", and what "might happen", that we miss out on the important things in life.
On a small scale, I had texted Sebastian a few times yesterday, and never got a response. Of course, being me, I had convinced myself I had done something to upset him. Until today, when I got a text from him asking what I thought of some pics he had sent me ... he never received any of my texts.
On a large scale, with recent developments in Libya ... it will be very easy for us to "borrow trouble", and let our imaginations run.
So this is our new catch phrase - remind yourself, when you are having a "shaved head" moment, that the reality is likely going to be much less stressful than whatever your imagination is cooking up. Take a deep breath, and carry on.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Men in Uniform ...
Two volunteer fire fighters lost their lives in battle today in a community near where I grew up.
I am the daughter of a man that started as a prison guard and became a police officer; he also served as a volunteer fire fighter. I am the ex of an Airman, the current of a Combat Soldier, and the friend to many in all uniforms.
My heart goes out to the families of these fallen, but also to all the wives and other loved ones who are comforted, yet still feeling guilty that they get to hold their fire fighter in their arms tonight, safe and sound. My heart goes out to those same people, who will wait with the heart a little higher in their throats the next few times the call goes out, until their loved one comes once more safe through the door.
Blessed be
I am the daughter of a man that started as a prison guard and became a police officer; he also served as a volunteer fire fighter. I am the ex of an Airman, the current of a Combat Soldier, and the friend to many in all uniforms.
My heart goes out to the families of these fallen, but also to all the wives and other loved ones who are comforted, yet still feeling guilty that they get to hold their fire fighter in their arms tonight, safe and sound. My heart goes out to those same people, who will wait with the heart a little higher in their throats the next few times the call goes out, until their loved one comes once more safe through the door.
Blessed be
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hero Worship
Hero worship isn't fair; it isn't fair to the person you are "worshipping"
I am reading an article in the November 2010 Oprah magazine about a female American soldier who served, and was injured, in Iraq. Near the beginning of the article, she talks about being haunted by the words of a "friend" who said to her "You used to be my hero".
Hero worship isn't fair to the target. Hero worship places unattainable, unachievable pressure on the "hero", things to live up to that no one possibly can. If you truly care about the individual, expecting them to be perfect is just plain rude.
True heroes are not perfect people; they are ordinary people who chose to rise above their fears and challenges and perform heroic acts. But to worship these people puts them on a level above us ordinary mortals, and carrys with it an expectation.
I would not want anyone I love to have the pressure of being expected to be perfect. I recognize the faults in the people I love; I choose to accept them anyway. Or maybe I choose my loved ones based on the faults I can live with. Either way, I am not going to expect them to live up to impossibly high standards.
I love my friends. I have a great deal of respect for them. But I do not worship any of them.
I am reading an article in the November 2010 Oprah magazine about a female American soldier who served, and was injured, in Iraq. Near the beginning of the article, she talks about being haunted by the words of a "friend" who said to her "You used to be my hero".
Hero worship isn't fair to the target. Hero worship places unattainable, unachievable pressure on the "hero", things to live up to that no one possibly can. If you truly care about the individual, expecting them to be perfect is just plain rude.
True heroes are not perfect people; they are ordinary people who chose to rise above their fears and challenges and perform heroic acts. But to worship these people puts them on a level above us ordinary mortals, and carrys with it an expectation.
I would not want anyone I love to have the pressure of being expected to be perfect. I recognize the faults in the people I love; I choose to accept them anyway. Or maybe I choose my loved ones based on the faults I can live with. Either way, I am not going to expect them to live up to impossibly high standards.
I love my friends. I have a great deal of respect for them. But I do not worship any of them.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I ♥ my friends (disagreeing with respect)
I spent this New Years Eve and New Years Day with my 4 best friends, as has been our habit for a number of years now.
New Year's Day, and on into today up until the point when I took my leave of them, we talked about many, many things. Afghanistan; the people, the war, the Taliban; the Canadian Forces. Mental illness, including depression, and PTSD/OSI's. Religion. Politics. You know, all the things that you are "not supposed to talk about".
Between 5 adults, we have enough opinions on things for a crowd of about 20. And often those opinions are different, if not diametrically opposed. We do not agree on most things. Heck, there are likely very few things that all 5 of us totally agree on.
The best thing? We are all very, very intelligent, well spoken people, who can argue our points passionately but WITH RESPECT for the other view points in the room (well, most of the time, anyway), and at the end of the day, all continue to love and respect one another. Which is why we remain the closest of friends.
New Year's Day, and on into today up until the point when I took my leave of them, we talked about many, many things. Afghanistan; the people, the war, the Taliban; the Canadian Forces. Mental illness, including depression, and PTSD/OSI's. Religion. Politics. You know, all the things that you are "not supposed to talk about".
Between 5 adults, we have enough opinions on things for a crowd of about 20. And often those opinions are different, if not diametrically opposed. We do not agree on most things. Heck, there are likely very few things that all 5 of us totally agree on.
The best thing? We are all very, very intelligent, well spoken people, who can argue our points passionately but WITH RESPECT for the other view points in the room (well, most of the time, anyway), and at the end of the day, all continue to love and respect one another. Which is why we remain the closest of friends.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Two sides of me
I like, and have always identified with, the idea of the "omega" wolf as presented in Patricia Brigg's mythos. In short the Omega wolf, while often seen as a submissive, will fight when their back is against the wall, fight to defend the ones they care about (although often take abuse themselves) and most significantly, exert a calming influence on those around them. Their seemingly submissive nature often draws abuse from those who seek to secure their own position by dominating others, but also draws out the protective influence of the truly powerful.
When I was with Sebastian on this last visit, he challenged me to think about why it is that I need to please people in my personal life, to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.
In my professional life I am stong, assertive, confident, and not afraid at all to make waves.
When I was teaching martial arts, or in the ring, I am also confident, strong, outgoing, and assertive. I once had a senior black belt look at me with awe after a fight and remark that "when you get backed into a corner, you are a whole different fighter ... you are downright scary". He meant it as a compliment.
Why then, in my personal life, in anything associated with "home", do I turn into this weak, nervous, maleable peacemaker?
S challenged me that there must be one defining incident in my past that led to this, and that if I can find the incident, then I can start to deal with it. I am not sure I agree with that; I think, for me, it was a systematic training, re-inforced by some specific incidents, some more painful than others.
(Note: S was not criticizing this trait of mine, he was just challenging me to think about it, as I do sometimes let myself get pushed into doing things I really don't want to do, or letting things happen that bother me)
Giving small credit to astrological influences (I have a Virgo ascendant - the peacemaker) I was conditioned early on to keep the peace. My mother is volatile. In discussions with my therapist, his opinion is that due to circumstances in her own life, my mom was never actually able to "mother" me, and instead needed me to "mother" her, a role that I was ill suited for as a child, but grew into as a young adult. (And was, at times, challenged by the fact that my moon sign is Taurus, the bull ...)
So with my mother I learned not to challenge her when she wanted me to do something, or act in a way that my gut told me was wrong, because I knew if I resisted, or spoke up, she would make my life miserable. I learned to anticipate, and to look after things before they needed to be mentioned, to pro-actively make sure everything rolled along smoothly.
Post 1995ish, interactions with the Wolf were the same; and if I am honest I have chosen to be with a number of other men who were also the same. If I anticipate things, and deal with them or smooth them over before they become triggers, my life will be less painful.
There were a couple of incidents with the Wolf towards the end that, in retrospect, made this painfully clear; things I put up with at the time, but am ashamed to admit to, even now, even here. Maybe some day I will be able to share them, but at this point they are still too painful, too embarassing.
I have started claiming my own voice and my own feelings again lately, in small ways, with people I feel safe with (once with S on this last visit, a few times with TW, and others) and it not only feels good, I have gotten positive re-inforcement from the situations when I do it. The people I am now surrounding myself with do not lash out if I stand up for myself; they realize that different does not mean bad.
When I was with Sebastian on this last visit, he challenged me to think about why it is that I need to please people in my personal life, to smooth things over and to avoid conflict.
In my professional life I am stong, assertive, confident, and not afraid at all to make waves.
When I was teaching martial arts, or in the ring, I am also confident, strong, outgoing, and assertive. I once had a senior black belt look at me with awe after a fight and remark that "when you get backed into a corner, you are a whole different fighter ... you are downright scary". He meant it as a compliment.
Why then, in my personal life, in anything associated with "home", do I turn into this weak, nervous, maleable peacemaker?
S challenged me that there must be one defining incident in my past that led to this, and that if I can find the incident, then I can start to deal with it. I am not sure I agree with that; I think, for me, it was a systematic training, re-inforced by some specific incidents, some more painful than others.
(Note: S was not criticizing this trait of mine, he was just challenging me to think about it, as I do sometimes let myself get pushed into doing things I really don't want to do, or letting things happen that bother me)
Giving small credit to astrological influences (I have a Virgo ascendant - the peacemaker) I was conditioned early on to keep the peace. My mother is volatile. In discussions with my therapist, his opinion is that due to circumstances in her own life, my mom was never actually able to "mother" me, and instead needed me to "mother" her, a role that I was ill suited for as a child, but grew into as a young adult. (And was, at times, challenged by the fact that my moon sign is Taurus, the bull ...)
So with my mother I learned not to challenge her when she wanted me to do something, or act in a way that my gut told me was wrong, because I knew if I resisted, or spoke up, she would make my life miserable. I learned to anticipate, and to look after things before they needed to be mentioned, to pro-actively make sure everything rolled along smoothly.
Post 1995ish, interactions with the Wolf were the same; and if I am honest I have chosen to be with a number of other men who were also the same. If I anticipate things, and deal with them or smooth them over before they become triggers, my life will be less painful.
There were a couple of incidents with the Wolf towards the end that, in retrospect, made this painfully clear; things I put up with at the time, but am ashamed to admit to, even now, even here. Maybe some day I will be able to share them, but at this point they are still too painful, too embarassing.
I have started claiming my own voice and my own feelings again lately, in small ways, with people I feel safe with (once with S on this last visit, a few times with TW, and others) and it not only feels good, I have gotten positive re-inforcement from the situations when I do it. The people I am now surrounding myself with do not lash out if I stand up for myself; they realize that different does not mean bad.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday Musings
Between technical issues at his end, time shifts, and the reality of the job, Sebastian hasn't been able to be in much contact lately. MSN and e-mail are not working from the place he currently has access to. I did get a FB message this morning, the first contact in a while. And man, was I missing contact! So while not what I would like, better than nothing. And it makes me even more glad I have been good about regular mail and parcels.
One of our legion members is a psychic. She brought in some cards yesterday, for the other bartender (my room-mate) to use. They were sitting on the bar for a while; I asked if I could use them. I spread them the way my mom taught me, called Sebastian to mind, and ran my hand back and forth above them until one called out to me. I pulled out the "soulmate" card from the deck.
The lady then suggested I pull 5 cards out. I spread the cards again, and pulled. The cards all had the general theme of moving through adversity, perserverence, discarding the negative, and surrounding yourself with only positive people.
The solitary card brought a smile to my heart. Like a hug from the powers that be. And the 5 card pull wasn't exactly telling me anything I didn't already know.
I am not entirely convinced that I believe in the power of cards to "tell my fortune". What I do whole heartedly believe is that things like that can give you a slightly different way to think about something that is concerning you, maybe tweak your thought process a bit to give you a new perspective, or some reassurance. It gives you "permission" to listen to your intuition, your inner voice, instead of your rational brain, which sometimes isn't that rational at all.
~~~~~~~~~
One of our legion members is a psychic. She brought in some cards yesterday, for the other bartender (my room-mate) to use. They were sitting on the bar for a while; I asked if I could use them. I spread them the way my mom taught me, called Sebastian to mind, and ran my hand back and forth above them until one called out to me. I pulled out the "soulmate" card from the deck.
The lady then suggested I pull 5 cards out. I spread the cards again, and pulled. The cards all had the general theme of moving through adversity, perserverence, discarding the negative, and surrounding yourself with only positive people.
The solitary card brought a smile to my heart. Like a hug from the powers that be. And the 5 card pull wasn't exactly telling me anything I didn't already know.
I am not entirely convinced that I believe in the power of cards to "tell my fortune". What I do whole heartedly believe is that things like that can give you a slightly different way to think about something that is concerning you, maybe tweak your thought process a bit to give you a new perspective, or some reassurance. It gives you "permission" to listen to your intuition, your inner voice, instead of your rational brain, which sometimes isn't that rational at all.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Stress relief
In addition to the brain puke I had here a few minutes ago, I just found out that one of my favorite bosses has been diagnosed with cancer. It was not caught early, and has spread to other parts of his system.
Fucking cancer. I hate it.
Time for some stress relief, and happier thoughts. Things to do:
Go break some clay. (Yes, this is actually a photo of me, ripped off from inspired by a photo Brigid had up over at Home on the Range )
Climb a tree. (Although a Giant Sequoia might be a bit ambitious.)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Yes, my body is defective, and many of the things I choose to do carry the risk of getting hurt; I choose not to hide away, and to live anyway.
Yes, my heart is open, some say too open, and there are many people in the world who might hurt me; I choose not to hide away, but to love anyway.
I will live the way I need to, and be true to myself, with no regrets at the end of the road. I would prefer to be hurt than to always wonder what if, or think if only.
I will not live my life in fear, but will celebrate the opportunities presented, hang on, and enjoy the ride.
Yes, my heart is open, some say too open, and there are many people in the world who might hurt me; I choose not to hide away, but to love anyway.
I will live the way I need to, and be true to myself, with no regrets at the end of the road. I would prefer to be hurt than to always wonder what if, or think if only.
I will not live my life in fear, but will celebrate the opportunities presented, hang on, and enjoy the ride.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I am blessed (or spoiled)
It has been a weekend of friendship, family, and caring.
Friday evening I went and watched the Wolf's niece compete in the Sears Drama Festival for Secondary School students. Their "team" was in both the "student written" and "professionally written" categories. I was truly impressed by the talent of the students; both in their acting and staging of the plays, and in the depth of insight into the realities of their own lives shown by the writing in the student written play, and the choice of material for the professionally written play entry.
The Wolf's sister in law was prying a bit, trying to get me to tell her some things that I really don't think she needs to know. It left little cracks in my armour, and during what started as a "casual" conversation Saturday morning between TW and I, the wall came down and I let out some things that had been festering, things the Wolf had done the last time he was home on leave, that I hadn't admitted to anyone else. There were tears, comfort, and healing.
Saturday evening I was out at a banquet with some work collegues who have also became friends. They know the story of the last few months, and were caring and gentle while assuring that I had fun too, and felt included. They are genuinely good people, and I enjoyed my evening.
Today, the weather here is dull and grey, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was chatting with Sebastian on web-cam, and said that on days like this I really missed having someone to just lay on the sofa with and snuggle, and watch movies. We chatted a little more, then he sent me a web link to a site with some amazing photos and videos, and we spent the next hour and a half or so looking at photos and watching videos "together".
I am truly blessed to have so many friends, so many positive influences, and so many caring people in my life, both the ones mentiones above and others. That also includes all of you dear people who come and leave me comments, and who share your lives with me through your own blogs.
Friday evening I went and watched the Wolf's niece compete in the Sears Drama Festival for Secondary School students. Their "team" was in both the "student written" and "professionally written" categories. I was truly impressed by the talent of the students; both in their acting and staging of the plays, and in the depth of insight into the realities of their own lives shown by the writing in the student written play, and the choice of material for the professionally written play entry.
The Wolf's sister in law was prying a bit, trying to get me to tell her some things that I really don't think she needs to know. It left little cracks in my armour, and during what started as a "casual" conversation Saturday morning between TW and I, the wall came down and I let out some things that had been festering, things the Wolf had done the last time he was home on leave, that I hadn't admitted to anyone else. There were tears, comfort, and healing.
Saturday evening I was out at a banquet with some work collegues who have also became friends. They know the story of the last few months, and were caring and gentle while assuring that I had fun too, and felt included. They are genuinely good people, and I enjoyed my evening.
Today, the weather here is dull and grey, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was chatting with Sebastian on web-cam, and said that on days like this I really missed having someone to just lay on the sofa with and snuggle, and watch movies. We chatted a little more, then he sent me a web link to a site with some amazing photos and videos, and we spent the next hour and a half or so looking at photos and watching videos "together".
I am truly blessed to have so many friends, so many positive influences, and so many caring people in my life, both the ones mentiones above and others. That also includes all of you dear people who come and leave me comments, and who share your lives with me through your own blogs.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Good vs Evil
The Wolf and I (and a gazillion other people) play a game on Face Book, and I have advanced to the stage of the game where I have to choose between Good and Evil. Ah, the eternal question of life.
Evil is sexy, fun, has that hint of danger, and is terribly attractive. Evil might be fun, at least pretend.
Good is boring, predictable, saccharine sweet. If I am honest with myself, however, good likely suits my personality better.
Darn it. I want to be sexy with a hint of danger.
I know, I know, its a bloody game.
I chose good. Partly because if I am honest, it is what I am. Partly because I am not sure I totally believe that "what you call comes to you" applies on this casual a scale, but I am certainly not willing to take the gamble.
Evil in pop culture has been given the air of a misunderstood sexiness, attraction, often with an air, in literature, of someone who is basically good at the core but forced by circumstances or misunderstanding to act as or be perceived as evil.
People who deal with evil know its reality; victims of evil, and police, soldiers, counselors, doctors, and many more. But for the rest of us, it is so far out of our daily routine that we have a hard time grasping what it really is, so we have in our minds instead the watered down version we get from movies and books ~ sexy vampires, mis-understood "bad guys" who get reformed. In real life, it seems to rarely happen that way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while I am on this rant, when did addiction become a good thing? Various things market themselves by saying they are "addictive" or "addicting". Doesn't the very act of something being an addiction imply some sort of detrimental effect?
Its no wonder people have such a hard time making wise choices.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring Cleaning ~ from The Domestic Witch
The beautiful and oh-so-wise Julie C over at The Domestic Witch is starting a blogging series called Spring Cleaning with The Domestic Witch: We're Gonna Clean More Than Just the House.
I am hereby declaring in public my intention to clean up my life, and my house, along with Julie. I will be keeping you posted on how it goes.
I think it is high time I got into the corners of my life and dusted out some cobwebs, and checked the expiry dates on some of my beliefs and habits.
There may even be a few security blankets that should finally be tossed out.
Edited to add, from Canadian Soldier's Wife's comment below: this site has a similar Heart & Home Spring Cleaning Challenge, from a Christian Faith base. I will be using both, and doing what works for me. (Also, some of her book give-aways during this challenge will be going on the "must read" list!)
I am hereby declaring in public my intention to clean up my life, and my house, along with Julie. I will be keeping you posted on how it goes.
I think it is high time I got into the corners of my life and dusted out some cobwebs, and checked the expiry dates on some of my beliefs and habits.
There may even be a few security blankets that should finally be tossed out.
Edited to add, from Canadian Soldier's Wife's comment below: this site has a similar Heart & Home Spring Cleaning Challenge, from a Christian Faith base. I will be using both, and doing what works for me. (Also, some of her book give-aways during this challenge will be going on the "must read" list!)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sunday ramblings
I started my day at a fund raising "turkey shoot" or target shoot. I was "in the hole" for the event - in a little shot proof booth, switching targets for the shooters. I don't think it is good for me, in my line of work, that after roughly 240 shots incoming, I was completely used to the sound of the actions closing, the shots fired, and the pellet spray ... not something I really want to get complacent with!
Oh, and I want to live here: 
because it looks out over this view: 
Can you say "meat coma", boys and girls? My tummy was a bit rumbly this morning. I think my protein chakra overfloweth ... So today I have eaten salad, and an apple.
It also occured to me that the post title I used when I faced reality within my online community ~ "We're Done" ~ was the exact same phrase the Wolf used with me the day before he left for the sanbox; words it took me 4 months to accept; to claim and make my own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After that, TW and I took the fur children for a 2 hour hike - it was absolutely gorgeous out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night the Lunatic and I attended an event that I have renamed "Meat-a-palooza" - the annual conservation fundraiser at the local rod and gun club. Three courses of wild game, each prepared a different way, 12 wild game dishes per course, plus potatoes and veggies for anyone who wants them. Preceeded, of course, by wild game appetizers. A licenced event.Can you say "meat coma", boys and girls? My tummy was a bit rumbly this morning. I think my protein chakra overfloweth ... So today I have eaten salad, and an apple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lunatic and I were discussing the last few months, and my mental state. I said I felt like I was finally getting back to my old self. Lunatic said "No! Don't go backwards to your old self, go forward to your new self - learn from this, and become the person you are supposed to be". I really found that a powerful sentence, and like the way he summed it up.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was looking at the list I wrote the other day, about what I would want in an ideal partner. I thought about the list in relation to the Wolf; who he has been this last year or so, as opposed to the historical him, or the idealized version of him that I had created in my mind ... and he didn't stack up so well against the list. I could honestly only say "yes" to about 7 of the points, with a "maybe" for a couple more ... and some of the "no"s were biggies ...It also occured to me that the post title I used when I faced reality within my online community ~ "We're Done" ~ was the exact same phrase the Wolf used with me the day before he left for the sanbox; words it took me 4 months to accept; to claim and make my own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the world keeps turning 'round ...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Coming out of the closet.
Only my closest friends (and you , gentle readers) have know the whole truth about what has been going on with the Wolf these last few months. After the weekend, and where my head is now, I have "come out of the closet" about it.
I told one person at the legion where I bar tend (my manager). I told her I wasn't broadcasting the news, but I wanted her to know; and as I expected in a small village, an hour and a half later I was at the local café and someone came up to me to offer their sympathy. I find that mildly amusing, but I am OK with it; I expected it, and it is easier than having to tell people myself.
I also referred to the Wolf out loud in public last night as "my ex". It felt really strange to say it.
Earlier in the day I had posted about it on a MilSpouse chat forum I belong to. The folks there have been nothgin but fully supportive.
All of this is a really strange combination of incredibly painful (facing reality) and strangely liberating, like a wieght has been lifted of my shoulders.
I told one person at the legion where I bar tend (my manager). I told her I wasn't broadcasting the news, but I wanted her to know; and as I expected in a small village, an hour and a half later I was at the local café and someone came up to me to offer their sympathy. I find that mildly amusing, but I am OK with it; I expected it, and it is easier than having to tell people myself.
I also referred to the Wolf out loud in public last night as "my ex". It felt really strange to say it.
Earlier in the day I had posted about it on a MilSpouse chat forum I belong to. The folks there have been nothgin but fully supportive.
All of this is a really strange combination of incredibly painful (facing reality) and strangely liberating, like a wieght has been lifted of my shoulders.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I'm tired
I'm tired of being alone - not alone physically, that I can deal with, but alone in my heart, and in my head.
I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.
I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.
I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.
I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.
I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.
I'm just tired ....
I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.
I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.
I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.
I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.
I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.
I'm just tired ....
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Letter to my Wolf
I have been having a rough couple of days. Between the Wolf being on HTLA without me, and a few other things ... I am having a hard time staying positive. A lot of people, including some of the Wolf's family, are telling me to stay strong, that he needs me to be his rock, his safe place; he needs me to prove that I am not the other women in his life, that he can trust me to be here ... but how long can you go without positive feedback and encouragement? They say to wait until the end of summer when he returns ... but by the time he does come home, who will I be? Will I have lost myself? How much longer can I stay like this, grasping at crumbs he may drop me, followed by weeks of pushing me away?
That was not the introduction I intended to write, but it is what poured out, and I am going to leave it there ...
I wrote the letter below to the Wolf just now. I haven't mailed it yet, and am not sure if I will ...
I am not sending this to you to provoke a reaction, to make you feel bad, or to elicit any sort or promise or response. While I hope you actually read it, I know I have no control over that. I am sending it because I felt I needed to say these things, to be true to myself.
A year ago was in (the states) with you, and finished falling in love with you. The next step in a relationship that had been building its foundation for over 20 years. We had a great week, I thought. We were good together. We talked about the future, made plans. You even made me go into a jewelry store with you to tell you what I liked and what I didn’t. A year ago we were excited about the future, the possibilities, and exploring them together.
Five months ago you dropped a bomb on me. We had talked the night before about the things we were going to do while I was out (at your base) with you. You started the conversation on Monday night by telling me you had leave to burn up, that you could spend the whole week with me. Then, within 5 minutes, you were telling me you didn’t want me to come out and see you before you left. You said not only you didn’t love me, you never had. You said that when you talked about a future with me you must have been drunk.
I almost let that destroy me. I spent a lot of time in a very bad place, mentally. But with time, a lot of work, support of good people, and a lot of reflection, I think I am back to a place where I will be OK, no matter what happens.
Through it all, I have continued to love you like I have loved no one else in my life.
A lot has happened in the past year, and as I write this you are (on HTLA) , hopefully having a wonderful time, and also maybe finding some peace, and a chance to think about your life, and what you want from it.
I will continue to love you with all my heart. I may get hurt, but I will be true to who I am. I have spent too long in my life living up to the expectations of others, doing what other people want me to do. This is who I am, and I will honour it.
I kept saying to you that I needed to know I occur to you. I see know that the gifts you bought me, the things I so ungraciously always accepted, meant that I did occur to you. I am sorry for how I always reacted to the gifts.
You say you are zen and you live in the moment, but you push me away because of “what ifs” far off in the future. You say you live in the moment and don’t borrow trouble or worry about things that “might” happen, and then you shut me out to avoid “potential drama”, and me “waking up 2 or 3 years from now and realizing I’ve wasted all this time”. You say I am different from the other women in your life, yet still punish me for things they have done to you.
You told me you didn’t do the “typical” pre-deployment pull away that the literature warns about, but you emotionally discarded me before you left. And that’s what hurts the most. I can accept that you are physically far away from me, that you have limited access to communication. But the distance you have created between us mentally and emotionally is what has hurt me so much, what nags at the corners of my brain when I can’t sleep.
You will understand if I am confused sometimes by your words, and choose to look at your actions instead. And you actions tell me that you did love me, that you do care for me, and that there is still hope.
The thinking, the meditating, and the work I have done since you “dropped your bomb” on me the end of September have all led me to the same conclusion – we have a strong foundation, and I believe we can work through what has happened and build “us” up again. I honestly do.
I was seriously messed up by what happened at the end of September, but it forced me to take a step back and take a good long hard look at myself and my own actions. Part of that good hard look involved professional therapy. I freely admit I have some issues of my own, but I am working on them, and I don’t believe that they are insurmountable.
You told me in October that this was not about another woman; that it was about things you needed to work through for yourself. You didn’t, and haven’t, made me any promises about anything in the future, but you haven’t ruled out the possibility either, and neither have I. We did agree that if we found ourselves attracted to anyone we would let each other know. I just want to let you know that I am still committed to you; I honestly cannot see myself with anyone else. I felt with you something I had never felt before with anyone else I had been involved with. I honestly cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else to only give them a small part of my heart, when it really still belongs to you – I would be living a lie.
I am still open to, and quite honestly hoping for, reconciliation, and a chance to try to re-build a relationship with you that goes beyond friendship.
I am still wearing the ring you gave me.
I worry about you. As I told you, I cannot turn off my concern for you simply because you tell me you don’t have feelings for me. I don’t worry so much about your physical safety, but I am concerned about … the peacefulness of your soul, your heart. I don’t know how to put in into words well.
I miss you. I miss you in the physical sense, but I was prepared to deal with that, and knew I would be OK. I miss you emotionally, and mentally; knowing you are there for me, the security of knowing that you care for me. Knowing that you had my back. I miss the reality of “us”, the security it gave me, the peace and the happiness it brought me. There are times I feel it still, I KNOW it is still there …
The door stays open.
~~~
That was not the introduction I intended to write, but it is what poured out, and I am going to leave it there ...
I wrote the letter below to the Wolf just now. I haven't mailed it yet, and am not sure if I will ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not sending this to you to provoke a reaction, to make you feel bad, or to elicit any sort or promise or response. While I hope you actually read it, I know I have no control over that. I am sending it because I felt I needed to say these things, to be true to myself.
A year ago was in (the states) with you, and finished falling in love with you. The next step in a relationship that had been building its foundation for over 20 years. We had a great week, I thought. We were good together. We talked about the future, made plans. You even made me go into a jewelry store with you to tell you what I liked and what I didn’t. A year ago we were excited about the future, the possibilities, and exploring them together.
Five months ago you dropped a bomb on me. We had talked the night before about the things we were going to do while I was out (at your base) with you. You started the conversation on Monday night by telling me you had leave to burn up, that you could spend the whole week with me. Then, within 5 minutes, you were telling me you didn’t want me to come out and see you before you left. You said not only you didn’t love me, you never had. You said that when you talked about a future with me you must have been drunk.
I almost let that destroy me. I spent a lot of time in a very bad place, mentally. But with time, a lot of work, support of good people, and a lot of reflection, I think I am back to a place where I will be OK, no matter what happens.
Through it all, I have continued to love you like I have loved no one else in my life.
A lot has happened in the past year, and as I write this you are (on HTLA) , hopefully having a wonderful time, and also maybe finding some peace, and a chance to think about your life, and what you want from it.
I will continue to love you with all my heart. I may get hurt, but I will be true to who I am. I have spent too long in my life living up to the expectations of others, doing what other people want me to do. This is who I am, and I will honour it.
I kept saying to you that I needed to know I occur to you. I see know that the gifts you bought me, the things I so ungraciously always accepted, meant that I did occur to you. I am sorry for how I always reacted to the gifts.
You say you are zen and you live in the moment, but you push me away because of “what ifs” far off in the future. You say you live in the moment and don’t borrow trouble or worry about things that “might” happen, and then you shut me out to avoid “potential drama”, and me “waking up 2 or 3 years from now and realizing I’ve wasted all this time”. You say I am different from the other women in your life, yet still punish me for things they have done to you.
You told me you didn’t do the “typical” pre-deployment pull away that the literature warns about, but you emotionally discarded me before you left. And that’s what hurts the most. I can accept that you are physically far away from me, that you have limited access to communication. But the distance you have created between us mentally and emotionally is what has hurt me so much, what nags at the corners of my brain when I can’t sleep.
You will understand if I am confused sometimes by your words, and choose to look at your actions instead. And you actions tell me that you did love me, that you do care for me, and that there is still hope.
The thinking, the meditating, and the work I have done since you “dropped your bomb” on me the end of September have all led me to the same conclusion – we have a strong foundation, and I believe we can work through what has happened and build “us” up again. I honestly do.
I was seriously messed up by what happened at the end of September, but it forced me to take a step back and take a good long hard look at myself and my own actions. Part of that good hard look involved professional therapy. I freely admit I have some issues of my own, but I am working on them, and I don’t believe that they are insurmountable.
You told me in October that this was not about another woman; that it was about things you needed to work through for yourself. You didn’t, and haven’t, made me any promises about anything in the future, but you haven’t ruled out the possibility either, and neither have I. We did agree that if we found ourselves attracted to anyone we would let each other know. I just want to let you know that I am still committed to you; I honestly cannot see myself with anyone else. I felt with you something I had never felt before with anyone else I had been involved with. I honestly cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else to only give them a small part of my heart, when it really still belongs to you – I would be living a lie.
I am still open to, and quite honestly hoping for, reconciliation, and a chance to try to re-build a relationship with you that goes beyond friendship.
I am still wearing the ring you gave me.
I worry about you. As I told you, I cannot turn off my concern for you simply because you tell me you don’t have feelings for me. I don’t worry so much about your physical safety, but I am concerned about … the peacefulness of your soul, your heart. I don’t know how to put in into words well.
I miss you. I miss you in the physical sense, but I was prepared to deal with that, and knew I would be OK. I miss you emotionally, and mentally; knowing you are there for me, the security of knowing that you care for me. Knowing that you had my back. I miss the reality of “us”, the security it gave me, the peace and the happiness it brought me. There are times I feel it still, I KNOW it is still there …
The door stays open.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Needs ....
Don't worry, Coffey, this isn't a post about sex. I know those traumatize you. ;-)
For Lent this year, I am giving up (or trying to give up) buying anything I don't NEED. I do give up something for Lent every year, more as an exercise in self control, to prove to myself that I can, than a religious sacrifice. (Although I am nominally Catholic).
Unfortunately, I am struggling more than usual with the definition of NEED. The Wolf says I think too hard. I am also finding it harder than I remember to not give in to WANTS.
Do I NEED to be buying things to send to the Wolf in his care packages? I am rationalizing this one in that I gave stuff up, he didn't. So I am not buying things for myself, I am letting this one slide.
TW talked me into going to Old Navy with her yesterday. They have all their jeans on sale for $19.99. Her argument was that I can't run around naked in Canada in February, and I really do *need* new jeans. Fortunately for my conscious, even the "booty lifting" jeans did nothing for my booty - seems they need at least a base to work with. So gotta head to the gym and create a booty ...
TW and I also went out for lunch. Her argument being I NEED to eat. I had given her eldest child a ride back to the city she currently lives in, and it was lunch time. But did I NEED Moxie's mosaic dip with tortilla chips, and a smoked bacon and cheddar omlette?
I NEED groceries. But do I need treats? Nacho Chips? Chocolate? Do I NEED ice cream to watch the Canada - US Men's Hockey Game tonight? Do we NEED rum & coke to go with the game?
It is easier to make decisions on things like the amazing Buddha wall hanging I saw yesterday. I can't get it out of my head. I really, really want it. But I don't NEED it. So if it is still there after Easter, all good, and if not - its not.
I NEED to put gas in my truck to do my job (and I do NEED my job). But should I be limiting pleasure trips, so I am only using gas for NEEDs?
I guess this is good, because at least I am thinking about everything I do, not running on auto pilot, and making conscious choices about my actions.
Now if I could only do something about that marvelous Catholic guilt ...
For Lent this year, I am giving up (or trying to give up) buying anything I don't NEED. I do give up something for Lent every year, more as an exercise in self control, to prove to myself that I can, than a religious sacrifice. (Although I am nominally Catholic).
Unfortunately, I am struggling more than usual with the definition of NEED. The Wolf says I think too hard. I am also finding it harder than I remember to not give in to WANTS.
Do I NEED to be buying things to send to the Wolf in his care packages? I am rationalizing this one in that I gave stuff up, he didn't. So I am not buying things for myself, I am letting this one slide.
TW talked me into going to Old Navy with her yesterday. They have all their jeans on sale for $19.99. Her argument was that I can't run around naked in Canada in February, and I really do *need* new jeans. Fortunately for my conscious, even the "booty lifting" jeans did nothing for my booty - seems they need at least a base to work with. So gotta head to the gym and create a booty ...
TW and I also went out for lunch. Her argument being I NEED to eat. I had given her eldest child a ride back to the city she currently lives in, and it was lunch time. But did I NEED Moxie's mosaic dip with tortilla chips, and a smoked bacon and cheddar omlette?
I NEED groceries. But do I need treats? Nacho Chips? Chocolate? Do I NEED ice cream to watch the Canada - US Men's Hockey Game tonight? Do we NEED rum & coke to go with the game?
It is easier to make decisions on things like the amazing Buddha wall hanging I saw yesterday. I can't get it out of my head. I really, really want it. But I don't NEED it. So if it is still there after Easter, all good, and if not - its not.
I NEED to put gas in my truck to do my job (and I do NEED my job). But should I be limiting pleasure trips, so I am only using gas for NEEDs?
I guess this is good, because at least I am thinking about everything I do, not running on auto pilot, and making conscious choices about my actions.
Now if I could only do something about that marvelous Catholic guilt ...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
need to hermit
"I'll leave here in the morning
Slip away without a warning
Save a handclasp from the one
Who knows the call that leads me on
From the city's clang and clatter
Where a man the less won't matter
And no one here will think of me
Or care that I am gone"
Archie Fisher, Borderlands
I missed my hermitage this year. And I think if has affected me more than I thought.
I usually manage to get away by myself for a few days at least every summer, to ground myself, reconnect with the earth, etc. Last year I went camping, not totally by myself, but at least somewhere that I could pretend not to speak the language. This year, I didn't make time for it. I think I really miss it, and that might be part of why I feel so un-grounded now, so ..... scattered.
I think I have been sub consiously addressing this by pulling away, isolating myself, hunkering down in my apartment, and ignoring my friends ... not necissarily a healthy way to compensate. Escaping into books, or into the virtual world. My mind knows I need the alone time, but I am not expressing it in a healthy way.
I have been considering my options. I have medical issues that make winter camping not a good idea, and cities are out since I need that nature/earth connection. I have thought of hopping a plane to a warmer clime, but most warmer climes aren't safe for a woman alone, and I need to be alone for this. Renting a cabin somewhere might be an option, since I can go out hiking and "being" during the day, but still have a place to be warm at night or when my body has had enough ...
I guess its true, you don't know sometimes how much you need something until you don't have it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry I have been "absent" lately. I also haven't been keeping up with all your blogs the way I like to. The IT folks at work made some changes to my laptop, and all it will do now is load the initial screen shot of most blog pages :-( . I am working on ways to resolve the issue. I hope to be back in touch soon ... maybe after I spend a while completely out of touch!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Love Styles
I had an interesting conversation with a woman the other night. She was getting ready to give a talk to a woman's group, and was "test driving" it to a couple of us at the bar.
She was talking about the different ways people give and want to receive love (affection), and how that, when couples do a questionaire on their preferred styles, partners more ofthen than not have their lists in the reverse order to each other.
The 5 styles defined in her methodology are
Revelation 1: I've been a bit of a bitch about some things.
I have been realizing this over the last couple of weeks, but to explain it in the "love styles" terms: The Wolf likes to buy me things. Always has. And I am less than gracious about receiving them. When he wants to take me shopping and "Play Sugar Daddy", I am uncomfortable, I hate asking for things, and I buy stuff off the sale racks, which frustrates him. He buys me something every time he is away (which is a lot) and I always say "You don't have to buy me stuff every time you go away".
Have I been rejecting his style of love by doing this? I say all I want is to know that he thinks of me - and then I reject the way he chooses to show that he does think of me.
I recently received a present he sent me from the sandbox, and I truly loved it. I made sure I told him that. I was so excited I think I was a little over the top in my thanks - and he loved it. This was before I had conciously thought through what I have said above. But for the first time in a while I received a gift from him and didn't trivialize it or be uncomfortable, and things between us warmed a bit.
Revelation #2 - the way I show love has negative connotations to him
I am an "acts of service" kind of person. I show love for people by doing things for them, and I admit, by "momming" them. When I care for someone I want to care for them. But in his world, associations with caregivers are painful, where'e the catch, when will the other shoe drop kind of things.
Guess this says something about the two versions of the golden rule - treat others how you want to be treated, vs treat others how THEY want to be treated.
She was talking about the different ways people give and want to receive love (affection), and how that, when couples do a questionaire on their preferred styles, partners more ofthen than not have their lists in the reverse order to each other.
The 5 styles defined in her methodology are
- Touch
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
Revelation 1: I've been a bit of a bitch about some things.
I have been realizing this over the last couple of weeks, but to explain it in the "love styles" terms: The Wolf likes to buy me things. Always has. And I am less than gracious about receiving them. When he wants to take me shopping and "Play Sugar Daddy", I am uncomfortable, I hate asking for things, and I buy stuff off the sale racks, which frustrates him. He buys me something every time he is away (which is a lot) and I always say "You don't have to buy me stuff every time you go away".
Have I been rejecting his style of love by doing this? I say all I want is to know that he thinks of me - and then I reject the way he chooses to show that he does think of me.
I recently received a present he sent me from the sandbox, and I truly loved it. I made sure I told him that. I was so excited I think I was a little over the top in my thanks - and he loved it. This was before I had conciously thought through what I have said above. But for the first time in a while I received a gift from him and didn't trivialize it or be uncomfortable, and things between us warmed a bit.
Revelation #2 - the way I show love has negative connotations to him
I am an "acts of service" kind of person. I show love for people by doing things for them, and I admit, by "momming" them. When I care for someone I want to care for them. But in his world, associations with caregivers are painful, where'e the catch, when will the other shoe drop kind of things.
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Guess this says something about the two versions of the golden rule - treat others how you want to be treated, vs treat others how THEY want to be treated.
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