A ship in harbour ...

A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

John A Shedd, 1928

As I mentioned before Sebastian has a few unresolved issues from his last tour, and we hope one of them will be resolved in the next month or so.  He was talking to his CO about it the other day, and if the outcome is the one we are hoping for, S asked to be re-deployed to the sand, to finish some business he considers unfinished.

If it happened, it would be his 5th deployment to the sand.  Which is one thing.  But then he added himself "My CO thinks I'm crazy - he knows my luck has to run out sometime."

I *know* this is his job.  I know this is part of what makes him who he is.  And I know that if it wasn't that particular sandbox, it would be somewhere else.  But damnit, he hasn't even been home for a year yet.  And I know that the changes to Canada's role in Afghanistan, and the PR that is being released through our government, is meant to reassure the general public that our soldiers who are still there are in a lot less danger.

I am not the gerenal public.  I am not that easily soothed.

I also *know* he talked like this before he went last time ... and came back unharmed.  I *know* soldiers do this.

But it still sucks.  Big, at the moment.  And I *know* that is part of this life, too. 

Just like I *know* I shouldn't borrow trouble by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.  And if it's going to happen, it will take a while to make it happen.

~sigh~

I *know* so much, you think I'd be able to deal, eh?

I'll be OK.  I just needed to vent.  And snuggle my bear ...

The story so far ...

Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.

You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address.  I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...

Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.


On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address.  He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in.  She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".

I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.

S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info

{I did}

S: {Pause ...}  {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.

He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to.  I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him.  He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.

Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts.  So, I have been a little edgy lately.   The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file.  They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.

Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom.  The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).

I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's.  After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf. 

The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me.  The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)

I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this. 

As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.

Expectations ...

There was a man, friend of a friend, we'll call hiim George.  George was starting to go bald, so one Thursday night he shaved his head.

At the end of the day Friday, his boss came up to him and said "Come to my office first thing Monday morning, I need to talk to you" and walked away.

George worried all weekend.  Was he in trouble for shaving his head?  Did it present the wrong image?  Was his job at risk?  What was he going to do, what was he going to say, how would he handle this?  George's kids wanted to go to the park, but George couldn't enjoy his time with them, because he was thinking about his boss.  After the kids were in bed, Mrs George wanted to have some quality time with her husband, but George's heart wasn't in it.  Poor George had himself worked into a frenzy by Monday morning.  Sleep deprived and frightened, he went into his boss' office.

"Please shut the door", said the boss, looking mildly uncomfortable as well.

Geroge shut the door, a fine bead of sweat breaking out on his brow.

"Thanks for coming to see me George" said the boss. "I noticed you shaved your head.  And, well ... I'm starting to go bald, and I wondered if that was why you did it?  I have been thinking about shaving my head, and I wondered if you are glad you did it, happy with your decision?"

George was stunned.  He had spent all weekend worrying, instead of enjoying himself ... for no reason.

~~~~~~~~~

I realy this story for two reasons.

One, be careful how you say things, because people can easily see an innocent comment through the filter of their own experience.  Be aware of people's reactions to the things you say.

Two, and much more importantly: we often waste so much of our time, energy, and happiness, wondering what something "really means", and what "might happen", that we miss out on the important things in life.

On a small scale, I had texted Sebastian a few times yesterday, and never got a response.  Of course, being me, I had convinced myself I had done something to upset him.  Until today, when I got a text from him asking what I thought of some pics he had sent me ... he never received any of my texts.

On a large scale, with recent developments in Libya ... it will be very easy for us to "borrow trouble", and let our imaginations run. 

So this is our new catch phrase - remind yourself, when you are having a "shaved head" moment, that the reality is likely going to be much less stressful than whatever your imagination is cooking up.  Take a deep breath, and carry on.

because I needed something else ...

I got a call from my dad this afternoon that my mom had a heart attack.  I have came back to my home town to hang with my dad, who is not well enough to stay on his own, and deal with the mom thing.

They caught the heart attack early, did their magic scans, found her right coronary artery was blocked 95%, and ballooned it open and put a stent in, all by the time I got home, got dad, and we made it to the larger medical centre they had transferred her to.  There seems to be no damage to her heart muscle, so *IF* she behaves and listens to the lifestyle modifications they are recommending, and if her body does not reject the stent, all should be well.

While I was on the phone to my room-mate asking her to look after my dog for her and telling her what was going on, I got a "call waiting" from the Wolf's mom ~ just to let me know his plane was landing on Canadian soil ... oh, about an hour ago as I type this.  Freaking yay.

So I am sitting here back in my home town, which is a hop, skip and a jump from the Wolf's parents' place ... good news is he won't be back here for at least a few more weeks, by which time I should be safely back where I live, which is at least less convenient for him.

We also haven't tracked my older brother down yet, since he is on holidays ... so for now I am dealing with this on my own.  I hope he checks in soon, since he will need to back up the lifestyle modifications the doctors are recommending for my mom.  She will not listen to me, but she will listen to him.

EDIT: I don't mean to make it sound like I am not glad the Wolf is home safe; I do not wish him ill, nor did I wish him to get hurt.  I just really don't need to worry about him being home at the same time I am dealing with my parents.