Sex and chocolate

So my friend TW finds herself single at the moment.  We were on a bit of a road trip the other day, and she was talking about stuff, and said to me "Well, I'm not going to complain to you about not getting any; you've been without a lot longer than I have".  And I explained to her that for me, sex really is like chocolate:

1. For the first little while, you really miss it, but the longer you have been with out it, the less intensely you miss it / crave it.  (This might only be true for women)
2. Once you've had good quality chocolate, the cheap stuff just won't do - it only makes you miss the good stuff more. (sorry, BOB, I know you try ...) (This also might only be true for women ...)
   
3. Once you get a taste of the good stuff again, the craving is right back full force (Maybe its not such a bad thing I might not get to see the Wolf on his 1st HTLA ... heck ya, its a bad thing!)
4. The good stuff is worth waiting for.
   

TW said she had never really thought about it that way, but she definitely agreed with me.  

Have I spent too much time thinking about this? 

Damn, now I want .... chocolate ....

December 30

4 more Canadian Soldiers, one Canadian Civilian, and 8 American Soldiers lost today ... May peace find you, and may your families find comfort, brave soldiers.

 

Updated December 31

Sgt. George Miok, 28, 

Cpl. Zachery McCormack, 21, 

 Sgt. Kirk Taylor, 28, 

Pte. Garrett Chidley, 21,

Ms Michelle Lang

Vigilamus Pro Te

Wordless Wednesday

Things I have Learned While Bar Tending at the Legion

On a lighter note:


For those of you who don't know, I picked up a part time job bar tending at the local legion. This was partly to help them out when they were short staffed (which seems to be a chronic state) and partly to get me out of the house and around people, instead of sitting and stewing and worrying, while my Wolf is gone.

Lessons learned:


1.  There is nothing like the peaceful quiet of the Afghan desert in the afternoon being shattered by the sounds of a group of trained, professional soldiers ... playing Rock Band ?????  Or so I've been told.  (Run, Chickens, Run!!!)

2. When I am hurting, missing the Wolf, and feeling sorry for myself, other Mil Spouses will let me cry and commiserate with me; but my 4 o'clock euchre playing honourary grandfather retired vets will give me hugs almost as good as the Wolf's, then joke with me until I am laughing again.

3. Always make sure the pop cans are empty before you put them in the can crusher; and always make sure the draft lines are off before you try to change a keg.

4. Little old lady lipstick is stickier than young woman lipstick.  Little old lady lipstick doesn't come off the wine glasses in the dish washer.

5. Politics are everywhere; you can't escape them.  You can just try to keep you head down, your nose clean, and do your job.  Don't take the bullshit home with you at the end of your shift.

6. The more fun a job is, the less it pays.  That's why volunteering can be so much fun.


7. People are basically good, if you give them a chance to be.  And people you normally might not have given the time of day to can become really, really good friends.

8. You can cut the same drunk off on multiple different days, and he still doesn't get it.  But they don't seem to bear a grudge, either.

9.  Drunk men are way nicer to female bar tenders than drunk women are.  I assume the reverse is also true.

10. Its amazing what you can learn by keeping your ears open and your mouth shut.  Unfortunately, most of it isn't true.  

11.  A smile and a kind word will get you a nice tip, but a bit of cleavage and a bit of leg gets you much better tips.


12.  Two jobs might me one too many.

On being stalked ... part 3

The conclusion ... I hope!

I really wanted to start this one by saying "It started out innocently enough", but heck, they all start out innocently enough, at least on my part! I really don't go looking for trouble, or drama, in my life ...

About 10 years ago, I was managing a garden center and landscaping company on the shores of one of the Great Lakes ... about 30 km (18.5 miles) north of the resort town where I had first encountered the fellows in the first 2 sections of this story ... hmmmmmmm

Stalker Guy and his wife (!) used to be regular customers at the garden center, and I got on very well with his wife. We shared a medical condition (fibromyalgia) plus she had some other complicating factors. Her and I became friends, and by association, I became friends with him. It is worth noting that I am the same age as this couple's youngest daughter.

I changed jobs, but Mrs Stalker Guy and I remained friends, although we did not see each other as often. Her health continued to deteriorate, and they sold their house on the lake shore and moved inland, so she would have a more comfortable life. I continued to visit from time to time, and we stayed in touch via e-mail.

I would hear from Stalked Guy from time to time, all still innocent at this point.

About a year and a half ago, he called me, and said he wanted to come to the town I was now living in and go out for dinner and catch up, he just needed some time away. I didn't think anything of this. Mrs was no longer well enough to travel, but didn't mind if he did. Their daughter also had a number of health concerns, and I thought a chance for him to just get away and forget his problems for a while would be nice for him. So we made arrangements to meet.

We had a nice dinner, some shopping, took in a local cultural festival, and then, at his suggestion, went to the local casino. I am not a casino person. But we went, and he had a good time.

Over the course of the evening he had been getting increasingly ... stranger. He kept talking about how nice it was to have someone to do all these things with, since Mrs was so sick now; how he missed all the things he used to do with her, and that he was so glad he could now do them with me ... little warning bells, and I can't put it into words, but they were there. And I ignored them, against everything I tell other people. At the end of the night, when I said goodbye, he tried to kiss me ... and not a friendly peck on the cheek, either. I pulled back, and said goodnight rather coldly and walked away. To those of you that know me well, no, I did not "sternal notch" him, which would have been my typical response had a complete stranger tried this.

He called me the next day an apologized, and said he had something for me, would I be home. I said I wouldn't be. He called two or three more times, I kept telling him I wouldn't be home (not entirely un-true; I do have a lot of night meetings with my job).

One day I came home after work and there was a package on my doorstep, and a note from him. He had sat on my porch for 3 hours waiting for me to come home, before he gave up and left. Inside the package was a CD of sappy old songs (most of which I didn't even recognize) and a hand written letter professing his love for me.

He called the next day. I told him the letter was inappropriate, had crossed the line, and that I was not interested in him that way, and that the letter had made me uncomfortable enough that I didn't even want to maintain the friendship, that he should just leave me alone.

He continued to call, and e-mail. He had my home number and my work number. I didn't answer or return his calls. I tried returning one e-mail and re-stating my case, asking him to please leave me alone, but it didn't help. His messages and e-mails became passive aggressive, then borderline aggressive. He would call from other phone numbers, his daughter's, his work phone. I got to the point that any number I didn't recognize went to voice mail.

When I relayed my problem to the Wolf, (who was in Georgia training at this point) his response was "Babe, do I need to have someone come shoot this guy?" God love him, but he does have a rather direct approach to problem solving.

This whole thing actually creeped me out enough that I gave my brother all the info I had on the guy, just in case. My brother being one of the few people in my life at the time that I could trust not to over-react with the information, and take matters into his own hands. I had learned from Gave de Becker's book that confrontation, especially from an authority figure, will often turn a non-violent situation into a violent one. I did not want to force the escalation.

I moved, to another town, (not because of stalked guy) so stalked guy no longer knew where I lived, but he kept calling. I kept a file of the letters and e-mails, and started noting the times he called, and summarizing the messages he left.

One of the last straws I had, I was down visiting the Wolf when he was on a 2 month training assignment at Dover AFB. I had gone shopping, and was in Victoria's Secret trying on bras - a red one, I remember very clearly { Support Our Troops and all that ;-) }. The Wolf was supposed to call me when he was done for the day. My phone rang while I was in the change room, and I was all happy because I thought it was the Wolf, and was going to tease him about his timing ... until I looked at the call display. It was stalker guy. I almost cried, it just hit me so hard. I finished my shopping quickly, and went back to the Wolf's apartment to wait for him (with the red bra... ).

The next month, (spring 2009) my work phone rang while I was outside, and the glare from the sun was too strong to read the call display. I answered - it was Stalker Guy. He said he was surprised that I actually answered. I told him that if I had of been able to read the call display, I wouldn't have answered. I told him again that I did not want to hear from him again, that he had really upset me, and to please, please, please leave me alone.

I don't know what I did differently, but that was the last time I heard from him.

Hopefully, that is the final installment in the Stalker Saga. Not a very uplifting tale for the holidays, I am sorry, but it just seemed like a story that wanted to be told.

On being stalked ... part 2

Continuing on with the story ...

When I was in my early 20's I lived with a guy.  A guy who, strangely enough, I met in said resort town where Crazy Guy was. He was my first "serious" relationship, and in the beginning he was very, very nice to me.  We got along well for quite a while; I got along well with his family, and we moved in together.  Then he started hanging out with people who were into drugs.  He would leave Friday morning for work, and wander into out apartment again either late on Sunday, or more and more often not until Monday after work ... in the same clothes he had left in Friday morning.  He also became physically and financially abusive.  I briefly rationalized it that he was bigger and stronger than me, and that he didn't realize he was hurting me when he cuffed me across the head.

It took a while, but I eventually got over that.  I suggested that maybe the relationship had run its course and we should go our separate ways.  He agreed, fairly calmly, and I moved into the spare bedroom until we both found other options.

Two weeks later I came home from work and he was sitting in the living room with all the lights out, and his double barreled shotgun across his lap.  I froze in the living room door.  He looked up and, fairly calmly, gave me the old clichéd "If I can have you neither can anyone else".  I tried to reason with him, while waiting for an opportunity to bolt, and wondering where my cat was (he was fine, just so you know).  At some point during the "conversation" I did end up with the gun pointed at me.  I still to this day do not know if it was loaded.  I eventually made it out of the room and into the bathroom with the cordless phone, and this time, with more experience behind me, made a more intelligent choice - I called his dad, and his younger brother.  I heard him go into the bedroom, and I bolted for a neighbour's.  His dad showed up with both his brothers, they took him, and assured me he would not be back.  (His father was a very gentle man; I suspect that if anything, Shotgun Boy's behaviors were learned from his mother)


He stalked me, including following me into parking lots, waiting up the street and parking across the end of the drive so I couldn't leave, showing up at my door screaming, etc.,etc., for about 6 months.  He followed me one night to the dojo where I had started training, and started screaming at me.  A number of the guys I trained with came to make sure everything was OK, and he left.  Made me feel kinda good, to see people care about me.  

It was likely the start of the healing process.  This kind of thing went on until I severed all ties with anyone who were his friends or family, and moved 300 kms (185 miles) away.
I occasionally missed some of his family, and some of our common friends. But I know it was the best choice for me, and for my safety.

I saw him once, a few years later.  He is the only one of my ex's I am actually afraid of.  Our paths have not crossed in over 10 years; I just hope he learned his lesson, grew up, and did not hurt anyone else.

I do however understand the psychology of abused women.  You think you deserve it, or at very least you don't deserve anything better; you make excuses for them; you think it is normal, and that once he realizes he is hurting you that he will stop, because he loves you.  I know now that the thinking is wrong; but I understand how it can happen. 

I also, dear friends, understand why some of you question my taste in men, and are questioning my relationship with someone who refuses to seek treatment for their PTSD.  I do understand your concerns, and I love you for caring.  But I have to be true to my heart, and I truly believe this will all work out.


Stay tuned for part 3.

On being stalked ... part 1

Quite seriously, I have been stalked 3 times .... once by a relative stranger, when I was 18.  Once by an ex, when I was in my early 20's.  And once by an old man; I had been friends with his wife; this finally ended last spring.  I must be some kind of loser magnet.  Or I make really bad choices (aside from dating people of Scottish decent ...) Or people don't understand the difference between basic common decency and "Yes, I am interested in you."

If you ever find yourself in this situation, I recommend the book "A Gift Of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.  I also recommend martial arts training, (self defense courses, in isolation, give you a false sense of security if the training is not maintained) and keeping 4' lengths of 1.5" hardwood doweling conveniently located in your home, office, and vehicle (honest, officer, I had these around to make curtain rods, and when he got in my face I just panicked and grabbed one ... ) 
I have been told I am paranoid, and need therapy for this.

I met the relative stranger one summer when I worked in a resort town on the shores of one of the Great Lakes.  He was an older man, and seemed nice, but lonely.  I was polite to him, and he took to coming to my store and visiting.  Then he brought me a book of poetry he had written, autographed to me; and started telling me that he was a black magician and that all the other magicians where he was from were afraid of him.  And he could sense my power and that we were destined to be together, and he had so much he could teach me.  
The warning bells started to sound in there somewhere.  
Then he started inviting me to his home for dinner and drinks, and the more I refused, the invitations got less friendly.   He was also sending me dozens of red roses, at my place of work.  Being a naive 18 year old, I went to the police. The officer assigned to me was great - he used to pick up the flowers that Crazy Guy sent me, take the card as evidence, and take the flowers home to his wife.  At least that's what he told me, and it made me laugh, whether it was true or not.  
"My" cop asked crazy guy politely to leave me alone.  Crazy guy got very, very angry.  Crazy guy started following me around town at night.  Cop told Crazy Guy to back off, or he would be charged with harassment (The "Stalking" laws did not exist then).  Crazy guy then started sneaking up on my friends and baring his teeth and growling at them.
Summer ended, my friends and I went back to our September-May lives, and things moved on.  Once and a while I would be back in the resort town and I would see Crazy Guy, standing off in the distance staring at me.  Creepy.  But he never approached me again.
I do still wonder what ever happened to him.  
A small part of me, that part that is in touch now with my self confidence and my personal power, would like to have some kind of closure on the fear, but I doubt I will get that satisfaction.  He had to have been in his 60s when I was 18; I expect he is long gone now.
To be continued ...

Soldier Bear

I did get to wake up this week with a soldier in my bed. Unfortunately, its been this one:

Is it me, or is he looking a little down? Well, if he is the Avatar of the Wolf for me, I know how to cheer him up a bit:

and then snuggle back into bed for some more sleep. *cough*
I really wished for this for Christmas:

but I didn't get one. I have heard that, due to the amount of "traffic", that the phone lines were pretty dodgy and frustrating. So I guess I have to be glad that I at least got 8 minutes of this:

It is officially 150 days since I was in the Wolf's arms. Deployments suck.

The Prince Arrived!

The baby formerly known as Prince made his debut (finally!) at 5:25 this afternoon.  He was 4 lbs 9 oz, much bigger than the docs had thought from the ultrasound, and baby and mommy (an hopefully daddy, Nana, Papa, etc) are all doing fine, and getting some much needed rest.  Prince is still in the NICU, but is doing well.  Mommy reports that he has a very strong grip!

Mommy is also, at this point, I think planning that the Prince will be an only child.  (The actual quote is "why do people do this more than once?")  But that might change with some time!

Thanks to all of those who sent positive energy.

Red Friday

Santa Supports the Troops - He is wearing his red today!

Merry Christmas to everyone.  


A special hug to everyone who is missing someone today, for whatever reason.

Christmas songs that could get lost

Sorry for the double post, but I just need to get this off my chest.

Christmas songs I could really do without this year:

Snoopy and the Red Baron

I'll be Home for Christmas

Blue Christmas

any of the variations of the "Santa, Bring My Soldier Home" theme

[/whine]

Oh, and on principle:

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Earl the Squirrel

The sounds of silence

They say the Inuit people have more than a thousand different words for snow*.  I wonder if there is a language that has many different word for silence?

There is the peaceful silence of the wee hours of the morning, when all the world is asleep, and the dark night sky is soothing in its company

There is the heart-breaking silence of an un-ringing phone when your loved one is far away, and you are missing them.

There is the noisy silence of a forest far away from human development.

There is the stony silence of a person beside you who is hurt or angry.

Some silences calm you.  Others make you a little crazy. 

Sometimes what you think is one kind of silence might actually be another one.


The Wolf and I had a little tiff.  The kind of little tiff that is normal in a relationship, the kind that normally blow over, given a bit of time.  The kind that, when you are on opposite sides of the world from each other, can eat at you,if you let your imagination run.


The tiff might be resolved (eg, forgotten about by him) but I have no way of knowing that, since I haven't heard from him.  I was stressing about that, but then I heard, from a friend's hubs who is home on HTLA, that things are crazy busy over there (worse than normal), between people home on leave and other things that are going on.  Plus, CBC announced another casualty - and 1st PPCLI to boot (the Wolf's old reg.)- so there would have been a comms shut down until all the proper folks were notified.  There are many reasons that the Wolf might not have been in contact, and none of them have the slightest bit to do with me.  I really need to get better at remembering that.


I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing that the fact there might be a comms shut down never entered my head as a reason he might be silent.  I had thought that maybe the comms were down for tech reasons, but the possibility of a casualty didn't even occur to me.


May all your silences in the days to come be the peaceful kind.


________________________
* WIkipedia says the snow thing is an urban legend. Meh.  Whether it is or isn't, it makes good copy.

2010 Mission Statement

Every year around this time I write myself a "mission statement", or a theme for the year.

2009 was based around the quote "Don't let yourself get buried under layers of other people's expectations."  I didn't do too bad a job, but I still have a ways to go with it.

I am working on 2010's theme statement.  It is based around these basic thoughts:

1. Sometimes its better to be happy than to be right
2. I do not need to be in control of everything
3. I am not responsible for everything that happens; I do not need to feel guilty for, or try to fix, everything that goes wrong

Yesterday was the winter solstice, a time for new beginnings.  I will try to hold these thoughts in my mind, and continue to work on last year's mission, while I get through the next few weeks.

Wish me luck.

Creepies (Fear Friday)

One of my bloggy friends does a "fear Friday", on the theory that confession is good for the soul.  I think everyone, or almost everyone, has things they are irrationally afraid of.  For me, it is spiders.  I have a complete phobia of them.

So of course, the Wolf keeps offering to send me home one of these: 

That would be a Camel Spider.  Their Scientific name translates to "Those Who Flee From The Sun".  I suggested garlic and a wooden stake.  Sgt Chimo reports that the preferred method is a flame thrower.

I made a face book comment about Camel Spiders, and another friend pointed out to me this lovely creature: Camel Crickets ( aka Spider Crickets, Sand Treaders).

Now I am normally fond of insects and arthropods, with the general exception of spiders, ticks, and centipedes (although I don't mind harvest men (daddy-long-legs) and I think millipedes rock).  But there are some thing in the world that just creep me out.

Red Fridays - Support the Troops

Support vs Enabling

I have been wrestling with this for a while, mostly because a good friend, who I will call Sebastian (another soldier, and a PTSD survivor), has accused me a couple of times of "enabling" the Wolf's denial of his PTSD as a problem, when I see myself as being supportive. When I challenge Sebastian on where the line is between support and enabling, he doesn't seem able, or willing, to answer me. When I am discussing it with him, I am confident in what I am doing; but, when I am by myself "thinking too much", I wonder.

(My therapist thinks I should get Sebastian together with the friend that accused me of "ruining {the Wolf's} career" when I expressed my concerns to the Social Worker at the base hospital, and let the two of them sort it out)

The conversation arose again last night. There has been confirmation of the rumour we heard about where the Wolf's squadron will be posted upon their return. Now, I know better than to take this as gospel until the day it happens; but I made the comment to Sebastian that it gave the Wolf and I some time to sort things out, since the new posting will be driving distance (for weekends and visits) from where I currently live. While things seem to be on track really well right now, I need to know, for my own sanity, that next time he deploys he will not pull the same crap that happened at the end of September. I honestly don't know if I could survive that again intact. I definitely need to feel secure in that before I start looking for jobs at the new posting!
I then said I need to figure out how and when to have this conversation with the Wolf. I need tone of voice and body language - while I could do it on HTLA*, my instinct is to wait until he is actually "home". Further, I don't feel the need to tell him how messed up I was there for a while after he withdrew. In my mind, that is guilt tripping him, laying more stuff on him that he doesn't need to deal with, and reinforcing his belief that I "deserve something better than the life he can give me, the life of a MilSpouse". I am not sure I can make him see that my pain was cause not by his physical leaving, but by his emotional leaving.
Sebastian says that not making him face the music, and "making him" feel guilty for what happened, is "enabling" him. Sebastian feels very strongly that the Wolf will never deal with his PTSD unless he is pushed to a crisis point, and that I am the one best suited to push him to that point.

I don't feel that guilt is a very useful emotion, and I think encouraging it in someone else is manipulative. I don't want to manipulate. I don't want to be dishonest, either. Sebastian feels that not going for full disclosure is manipulative, because it denies the Wolf the opportunity to take responsibility for his actions and the result of them.

**sigh**

I think this might go back to a discussion the Wolf and I had about honesty. I told him once that I fully expect him to lie to me about things that will stress me out - the specific example, if I remember, was telling him that the proper answer to "our guns are better than theirs" was "Yes, dear", whether it was true or not. I see this as kind of the same way. I see absolutely no good coming out of telling him the complete, detailed truth. I can tell him I was hurt, and I don't think I can do it again, without telling him the degree to which I sank. I don't think it will help, and I do think it will hurt.

So, is that being supportive, or enabling his un-healthiness? When I can sit back and be his friend, his close friend, and the only one he is still in regular communication with, without turning every conversation into a challenge, into something the pokes his psyche - am I enabling his OSI*? Or am I, in my own way, trying to firm up that belief that he is worth loving, that there are people in this world he can count on, who will be there for him, and not turn every thing into drama?
I think I am being supportive. Thanks for listening ;-) As always, your opinions, insights, and comments are welcome.
(HTLA = Home Travel Leave Allowance; R&R for the Americans in the audience.
OSI = Operational Stress Injury {the "official" name for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD} )

Wordless Wednesday (with words ... for a cause)

 

Also see The Thunder Run on "MilBlogs Go Silent"

Request for positive Energy ....

Folks, please send healing thoughts, and a prayer to whatever powers that be you regularly (or even occasionally) chat with ...

A sister-of-my-heart's dear daughter is 34 weeks pregnant; her baby boy is only 3.5 lbs right now, but is in trouble, and seems bound and determined to arrive in time to see Santa.  Things are really dicey right now ... 

Please keep mom, baby, and the whole family in your prayers.

Red Fridays - Support the Troops

 

 The Real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared. Some get over their fright in a minute, under fire; others take an hour; for some it takes days; but a real man will never let the fear of death overpower his honour, his sense of duty, to his country and to his manhood.

- General George S. Patton

Oh my ...

I can't even imagine ... I think I would loose it.

Military Wife Prepares to Send Three Sons, Husband to Afghanistan

Blogosphere Calendar

So, it seems that here in the blogoshpere you could spend every day on a theme, if you wished.  From some of my friend's blogs, we have:

Meal Plan Mondays;  Meditation Mondays;  Man Candy Mondays (thank you, Soldierette! );  Music Monday;  Monday Music Meme;  Manic Monday;  Moody Monday; Monday Bunday (rabbits! What were you thinking?  That's Soldierette's blog!)

Tasty Tuesdays;   Tuesday's Tip;  Tuesday's Tales;  Tuesday's Tip Jar;   Tackle It Tuesday;  TMI Tuesday

Wordless Wednesdays;    Lensday;   Wednesday's Hero;   Wardrobe Wednesday;  Craft It Wednesday;   "I want" Wednesday

Thankful Thursdays;   Vintage Recipe Thursday;   Poetry Play Thursday;  Letters That I'll Never Send

Red Fridays;  Fear Fridays (confess one) ;  TMI Fridays;   Faces of War Fridays;  Flashback Fridays;  Skywatch Friday;  Only The Good Friday;  Food for Thought Friday;  Friday Frustrations;  Freezer Food Friday;  Four Foods Friday;  Photo Friday

(Friday seems awfully popular as a theme day!)


Six Word Saturday;   Smiley Saturday

Wordless Wednesday

Roll on, roll on rollercoaster ....

So, it turns out I was allergic to the 2nd anti-depressant they tried with me, it just took it a couple of weeks to build up in my system enough to react.  The first one gave me horrid side-effects, and this one I was allergic to.  I was "borderline" for needing them in the first place, according to my therapist.  The doc wanted to try a third one, but based on the way my body handles drugs I said "no thanks", I'll just keep seeing my therapist (who rocks) and working on things my own way.

As I was leaving the doctor's office, (after deciding to go off anti-depressant meds, keep in mind) my crackberry pinged at me.  I had a Facebook message; all that comes up in the text was that it was from the Wolf's sister in law, and the message body started  "call my mom ASAP - this is (the Wolf's nephew) call my mom's cell" and then the teaser stopped.  Heart proceed directly to throat!!!  I quickly downloaded the rest of the message.  Turns out the Wolf's mom had been admitted to the hospital.  Feel relief mixed with concern.  It's not the Wolf.

I called SiL, and it seems that the Wolf's dad came home for lunch yesterday and found his mom unconscious on the floor.  By the time EMS got there, she was not breathing either.  The EMS got her on a ventilator, and rushed her to the local hospital, where she was further stabilized for transport to a larger medical center.  She is still (24 hours later) unconscious and not breathing on her own; they have ruled out heart attack, stroke, and there is no bleeding in her brain.  They don't have any answers for us at this point.

They called me in part to let me know, but also so I could get a hold of the Wolf.  He has been in the forces for almost 20 years  and they didn't know the procedure to reach him when he is deployed, had no clue how to even start.  It is not just they were to distraught, to busy dealing with doctors and such. They didn't know how.  I don't know about you, but if it was my son or my brother, I would make sure I knew how to reach him in an emergency.

Of course, I handled it.  Called the local Padre, who I know fairly well, and activated the "purple net" as he calls it.  Less that 5 hours later the Wolf was on the phone with his brother getting the update.

So now I sit and wait.  Which, unfortunately, gives me time to think.  I know it was the family's wishes that I get a hold of the Wolf, but was it the right thing, when they don't know anything yet, and he really can't do anything over there except sit and stew about it?  Not that I can do anything from here either, not being a miracle worker or a doctor.  Maybe I should have dragged my feet a bit?  Too late now, I guess.

If she passes, I don't know if he will come home.  Honestly I don't blame him a bit if he doesn't.  She was not exactly a positive influence in his life, not a real "motherly" type at all.  If he comes, it will be for his dad and his brother's sake, not for his own.  My money is on him not coming.  When SiL asked about if "they" would let him come home, I explained that it would depend on what was happening for missions at the time, if they could spare him, it too may others were home on leave, etc.  They try to be compassionate, but the needs of the mission come before the needs of the individual.  Which is all very true, but basically, I laid the ground work for him to say he "can't" come home, if that is what he chooses.

If nothing else, this might be a decent test of whether going off the meds was the right decision!  Gotta find a bright side to things ...

Walnut Rum Balls

This is part of Domestic Witch's Christmas Balls Collection

Walnut Rum Balls

¼ cup liquid honey (I like alfalfa best for baking)

1 tsp pure vanilla

¼ cup butter

½ teaspoon baking soda

½ tsp baking powder

½ cup gluten free flour mix

1 cup oatmeal (processed in a gluten free facility)

1 Tbsp Spiced Rum

½ cup finely chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350°

Blend honey, butter, and vanilla together

Add flour, baking soda, and baking powder

Add oats, walnuts and rum

Roll into small balls (about the size of a big marble – a concker)

Bake on cookie sheet for +/- 10 minutes

Store in an air tight container; they get better if they sit for a few days, the rum has a chance to infuse the whole cookie.

Obviously, if you have no celiacs on your baking list, you can use regular flour.

I keep meaning to experiment with a chocolate version, but haven’t done it yet.

Happy Yule/Peaceful Solstice/Merry Christmas/Joyous Kwanzaa/Happy Hanukkah/Enjoy the holidays with peace and love whatever your beliefs!!

Or, as one friend said, Happy Yulesticemaszaa.

Being naked ...

OK, I freely admit I prefer to be naked, or next to naked.  I hate getting dressed.  I am not terribly fashion conscious, but I also honestly don't enjoy wearing clothes.  I would sped my life either sky clad or in my bath robe if I could get away with it.


Is that too much information?


On the subject of liking to be naked, or next to naked, I think I am actually becoming allergic to clothes.  Which is really too bad, given that I live in Canada.  Not a good climate for nudity in November.

It is also possible I am allergic to my own sweat, and am only reacting in the places where sweat is held close to my body, like my waistband, my bra band, my hair line, and the fold where your leg meets the front of your body. I was out Friday night at the MFRC Christmas Party; Saturday morning I woke up with nasty, swollen, red welts along my waist line, and a rash near it, in my leg folds, and under my bra band.  Today I have general itchiness.  I got some really good anti-itch cream, and it is helping a lot - I am no longer actually trying to abrade my skin right off my body.  And the welts have gone down to just being a rash.

I am hoping that it was just something I ate Friday night.  The caterers brought me out the "special" meal they had prepared for me (I am celiac and anaphalactic to the nightshade family - potato and its cousins).  They had kindly made me a separate chicken dish with no breading on it, and a simple glaze - and served it to me on a bed of mashed potatoes, surrounded my roasted baby potatoes.  I explained to them the problem with this; they took it back and brought me some chicken with just some glazed carrots, but who knows what was in the seasoning.  By the time I got my food it was quite late, and I was hungry!! 


I am guessing that if there was something in the food I should not have eaten, I may be processing the toxin out through my skin.  It certainly seem like an allergic reaction to something.  So I am drinking lots of water, and watered down pomegranate juice, hoping that whatever is going on will flush from my system quickly.

Otherwise, I will be looking at property in Belize.  Anyone want to come visit?   

Christmas List ... Tag You're It!

Wiley is participating in a game of Christmas tag, and I have "invited" myself in!

Want to play along?

Copy and paste the questions into your blog,

•Then tag 5 or more of your favorite blogs, and leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged.

•When you post on your blog, please spread some Christmas Cheer, and leave a link back to Heather's blog (Top 10 Christmas), and the blog that you were tagged by. 

Heather would like any blogger to participate in this meme, even if you have not been tagged She will go back and add your blog link to the list if you wanna play along.

1. Have you started your Christmas shopping?
I have started, but I am not finished ... although good progress has been made!!

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.
Midnight Mass with candles and singing ... followed by tourtière and wine ... this year will start a new tradition.  It is the Wolf's first Christmas away from home in 10 years, so I will be "taking his place" at his brother's family's house for Christmas eve ... wine again, and putting all the Santa gifts, stockings, etc out after the children go to bed ... and visiting will SiL, sharing memories and companionship.

3. When do you put up your Tree?
I only have a very small tree; all my Christmas Decorations go up when I get them from my storage, usually near the end of November.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper?
Canada doesn't do Black Friday, nor do I rush across the border into the States for it.  I detest large crowds, and am not desperate enough for a "bargain" to sit at the border for 2 hours waiting to cross, just for the pleasure if fighting crowds. 

5. Do you Travel at Christmas or Stay home?
I am rarely living near my family and my friends are scattered around, so the Christmas season always involves travel for me, but the driving kind, not air travel.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?
Really, not coming up with anything.  I know there has been much laughter over the years, but no specific incident springs to mind.

7. What is your favorite Christmas Movie of All time?
The original "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas".  All together now:  "Fah who for-aze, Dah who dor-aze; Welcome Christmas, come this way ..."


8. Do you do your own Christmas Baking, what’s your favorite treat?
I love baking any time of year, so Christmas rocks.  I make Rum Balls; not the chocolate kind but the cookie kind.  You gotta make 'em early so they can sit for a while and the rum really comes out.  I use Spiced Rum, and a bit more than the recipe calls for ...

9. Fake or Real Tree?
A small fake one in the house, and a real one outside depending on where I am living at the time.  One in a pot, if I don't already have one in the ground.  The outside one gets decorated entirely with edible ornaments for the critters. 

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done? 
I save my panic for other things.  Christmas doesn't stress me out.

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
Heck, I'm sometimes still wrapping presents on Boxing Day for people I haven't hooked up with yet ... but that's why they invented Gift Bags!! (I buy up fabric after Christmas when it goes on clearance, and make up a variety of bags for the next year)

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?
Getting together and playing board games.  We are scattered around enough that this rarely happens, but we can usually find the time at Christmas.

13. What Christmas craft do you like the best?
Does baking count as a craft?  Otherwise, making popcorn and dried cranberry strings to put outside for the birds.

14. Christmas music? Yes or No, and if yes What is your favorite song?
I like Christmas music, but only in season.  One of my friends, my brother and I all like to re-write Christmas song (and any other songs) with slightly (occasionally severely) twisted lyrics

15. When do you plan to finish all your shopping?
Plan? Vas is las "Plan"?  Seriously, I'll be done when I am done - which is to say when the gifts are given, because if I keep seeing stuff I think someone might like, I'll keep on buying.



My 5 blogs:
The Clover Patch
Canadian Soldier's Wife
A Yummy Mummy on a Pink Park Bench
When In Rome
The Domestic Witch

Red Friday

The Price of Peace Monument to Canadian Soldiers in Ortona, Italy

Last week marked the 66th Anniversary of the beginning of the Battle for Ortona, Italy.

Canadian contributions to World War II are often associated with the Liberation of the Netherlands, Flanders, Juno Beach, and Dieppe.  Ortona, however, was one of the most difficult and bloodiest battles of the Italian Campaign, and was once a well known battle.  Canada lost +/- 1,200 troops in Italy in December 1943.  For our generation, it may have been glossed over, with focus on the "more famous" battles.  But during the war, everyone knew of the Battle for Ortona.  Last year, on the 65th Anniversary, my cousin (a teacher) was selected to take some of his students to help represent Canada at the commemoration event in Italy.

The Canadian Troops fighting there (mainly Loyal Edmonton Regiment, Seaforth Highlanders, and PPCLI) were relieved in small numbers on Christmas Day and taken into the homes of the remaining villagers for a Christmas meal, and a few moments of "peace":

"What a strange clutter of humanity it was. There were some five or six Canadian soldiers, there were old women and there were children innumerable. A painter of genius-Goya, perhaps-might have done justice to the scene. I felt no verbal description could do so. In the half-darkened room the pasta for the midday meal was simmering over the fire in the corner. Haggard, prematurely aged women kept emerging shyly one after another from some inner chamber where an old man, the grandfather of the numerous children, was dying... Another old man was uttering maledictions against Mussolini. Then his wife surprisingly produced a jeroboam of Marsala and half a dozen glasses and moved around among the soldiers, filling and re-filling their glasses. The children clambered around the Canadian soldiers and clutched at them convulsively every time one of our anti-tank guns, located only half a dozen paces from the door of the house, fired down the street in the direction of one of the remaining German machine-gun posts. Soon each one of us had a squirming, terrified child in his arms. And the old lady went on distributing Marsala."
- Christopher Buckley, Road to Rome, 1945.

For more info on the Battle for Ortona, please see The Juno Beach Center, or Canada at War

Lest We Forget

127/74

127 days since I last saw the Wolf "live and in person".
74 days till the tentatively scheduled HTLA/R&R (look! I'm bilingual, lol). That's if he decides to actually come home, or to meet me somewhere. There is a very good chance he will want to go somewhere and blow off steam and regroup on his own, which I would completely understand.
270 days (estimated) until this deployment is over. Then we start counting a very short time until the next one. Potentially a matter of weeks, and he will be gone for another 10 months.
I'm feeling it today. Not in an "I can't go on" way, just in an "I'd like to be wrapped in his arms" way. And while I appreciate the hugs from other people, its just not the same. I miss him.
I miss the quiet comfort of just knowing he is there.
At the same time, I have a sense of peace. I am not desperate in my missing him. I can think about him and smile, and remember the good, the happy, the warm. I am not teary, nor am I bitchy about things.
In other news ... I completed the first exercise today in the "Resiliency Coaching" program I enrolled in at work. This is a program designed to look at the stressors in your life and hope you manage them, and to use a couple of guided examples to teach you strategies and coping mechanisms that you can then apply on your own.
This program started with creating a "stress map" of where you are right now. There are 21 different categories across the top; the grid down the side is the "performance zone", from Optimal at the top, through Balance and Strain to Burnout at the bottom.
Yep. Of the 21 Categories, I have 4 in Stress, and the other 17 are in Burnout. Yay me. When I went over the results with the dude on the phone, I kinda of expected him to just tell me I was a lost cause, but he didn't. (He did, however, make sure I was actually seeing a therapist in persona as well). Then we chose one area to look at in more depth, and created an Action Plan. With his guidance (eg - I wanted one thing, he strongly suggested something else) we agreed I would work on a Personal Power Action Plan (don't cha just love all these buzz words?)
So my mission for the next month is to create and implement an action plan to start reclaiming my personal power.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Wordless Wednesday

Kings Firecrackers

This is wild ...

Video: A Physical Education teacher, Lynn Kelley who founded the Kings Firecrackers 13 years ago, said the video of their performance at an Army vs. Navy game in February was posted to the team's Web site in early April, and has ignited national interest.

Tuesday's Update

I know, you have all been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear from me. LOL.

I went to my parent's for the weekend, to celebrate my dad's 83rd birthday. Go Dad!! So I wasn't on here much. Sorry.

Going to my parent's place is always an adventure. I have some issues with my mother.

Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.
Leon: My mother?
Holden: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about my mother.
[Leon shoots Holden with a gun he had pulled out under the table]

Blade Runner, 1982

Yep, that about sums up the relationship. My main thought this time around was "Good Lord woman will you just SHUT UP???" She really doesn't understand the concept of comfortable silence; and the more she chatters inanely, the more she annoys me. *sigh*


Generally it was a good weekend. I went there on Friday, and came back home on Monday. I got to hang with my dad a bit. It is hard, since he is starting to fail. He is on Oxygen 24 hours a day, and sleeps/naps a lot, but we had some visit time, and some good conversations. I do not know how much time together we have left, but I know that we are at peace with each other, and with what is to come. We are secure in the fact we love each other, which is a nice place to be.


I know I can only handle my mother in small doses, so I had made arrangements to meet up with the Wolf's sister-in-law for a visit, and to drop off some gifts for the munchkins "From the Wolf". See tomorrow's Wordless Wednesday for photos! (I apologize for no photos last week - my new laptop wouldn't talk to my card reader, but all is now well). The visit went really well, we talked about all kinds of things, and really connected more than we ever have before. We are usually out as a foursome with the Wolf and his brother, so it was nice to have some girl-bonding time.

I also spent Saturday with a friend. We went and watched her daughter play hockey, started our Christmas shopping, went out for supper, and then watched a movie at her place. I got back to the folk's place just in time to hit the sack. Excellent time management on our part!!

I actually had a wonderful time watching the hockey game. This was 7 & 8 year old novice girls, so not exactly NHL quality, but way more fun to watch! Now I wonder, in the NHL, does the goalie lie face down spread eagle on the floor while two assistants strap them into their pads, then grab them under the arms and stand them on their feet?? The girls did great at things like passing, clearing the puck, etc. They can also skate really well - some of those girls can really put the pedal down when needed! Still some things to work on - like passing to someone, but that will come in time, I'm sure. They gave it their all, and there were some very tired, sweaty, happy little girls at the end of the game.

I hope everyone else had a great weekend too, filled with love and giggles.

Word Choices

The Wolf is not "gone", and he did not "leave me" - he is deployed.

When we are talking to each other, the loved ones of deployed military members sometimes talk about them being on "business trips" (which they are) or "cruises", for naval members.  We will say that our loved ones are "off playing in the sand" or "the sandbox".

A psychologist would likely classify this as a mild form of denial.  It is, however, one little thing that helps us cope with the realities we face.

So, when you are talking to me and I chose to say the Wolf is "traveling for work"  or "away on business", don't get in my face about the harsh realities of the situation.  I am quite aware of where he is, and the realities surrounding it, thank you very much; likely a lot more than you are.

Red Fridays - Support the Troops

One of those people ...

I regularly have "weird" things happen with my computers, both at work and at home.  I also can't wear a watch, as I ruin them.  I once actually made one run backwards.  Once one of our IT guys at work was trying to fix my computer (another "Wow, I've never seen one do THAT before!" fix) and when I told him of my history with watches, computers, etc, he said "Oooohhh, you're one of those people".  It seems, according to him, that some people just have a different electromagnetic field around them, and they mess up electronic stuff.

Which likely also explains the problem I have with cell phone batteries not lasting, MP3 players getting ruined, and light bulbs and street lights going off way more often when I am around than they seem to do with "normal" people.  I have had friends remark on the frequency with which a street light will go out just as I walk under it.  It seems to be worse if I am highly emotional, bad or good.

I had a new one this morning, however.  I have 2 cell phones, one for work (just a phone) and one for personal (a crackberry).  Last night when I turned it off, the work phone was showing 2 of 3 bars for battery strength, but my personal phone was low, so I put it on the charger.  I got up around 3 am to answer a call of nature, and the personal said "charge complete" and showed full strength, so I unplugged it.

Last night was filled with very strange dreams.  I was going to write them down, but was only half awake, and told myself I would remember in the morning; there was one in particular I really wanted to think about.  Of course, I don't remember any of them.

And when I got up this morning, the batteries of both cell phones were completely drained.  Deader than a nit.  No power left at all.

I think there may have been some very strange energies dancing around my home last night.

Just so you know ...

The little things ...

I just "talked" to the Wolf for a whole 15 minutes on MSN (that's what they are limited to on the shared internet before it boots them off).

The conversation wasn't a whole lot different information wise than most of his e-mails, but it was interaction.  He seemed in a decent mood - they were off work a bit early.  He was actually cracking some jokes, which is nice to see again.  I hesitate to use the word "normal", but it did almost seem like a normal conversation.  I guess this is the "new normal", for the foreseeable future.

He said again that basically all they have time for is work, eating, and sleeping.  I asked if that meant I should stop sending books over, and he said ya, he basically has a whole library built up and waiting for him at this point.  Oops.  I guess that means the box of DVD's that is on the way to him might also get a bit dusty before he gets to them ...

I had been very sad all weekend, but am in a more comfortable mood now.  I am not going to say happy, but I am closer to contentment than I have been in a few days.  It does concern me a bit how much my emotions lately depend on whether I have heard from him, and the tone of his e-mails; I wonder sometimes if I am going to make it through the next 9 months with my sanity intact.  I think I am learning from every interaction, and moving forward and growing as a person.  I am going to keep telling myself that, anyway!

I just wish experiences that expand my personal development and my perspective could be a little more enjoyable, a little more gentle!    

Jenny the Military Spouse

from Jenny the Military Spouse - seriously, anyone involved in the military lifestyle, go check out this site.

The Head vs the Heart

I think that's a Chris deBurgh song, but I don't have the motivation to look it up right now ...

I have been getting about an e-mail a week from the Wolf since he actually left Canada.  Basically they all say variations of the same thing - its hot, its sandy, its boring, I'm tired, the days are long, some of the other guys irritate the crap out of me, thanks for the stuff you are sending, X was particularly appreciated, hey its your word on scrabble ...  little details about daily life.

I appreciate the contact.  I really do.

My head knows that I am getting more regular contact that anyone else in his family right now, and that I should be grateful.  My heart still wants more.

My head knows that as he so eloquently puts it himself, its like being the sewer guy in the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day - same shit again every day - and that he feels he doesn't have anything interesting to tell me, 'cause he can't tell me any of the real interesting stuff.  My heart still wants longer letters, more detail, to know the little things.

My head says to give things time, give him time to settle in, that he will find his groove, his peace, and that things will get better.  My heart wants better NOW.

My head says crying won't do me any good, and asks, in my therapist's voice "now, what are those tears about?".  My heart says things to my head that I won't repeat here, and cries anyway.  

Oh, and my head kept screaming "NO! Don't do it!" after seeing another spouse's post about how many weeks until certain things happened in her hub's deployment - but my heart looked it up anyway, so here goes:

• 12 weeks 2 days to HTLA (R&R Leave) #1
• 22 weeks till HTLA #2
• 41 weeks until he is back in the country
• 3 months after that, tentatively, he goes back to play in the sand for another 10 months ...

Of course, as you all should know by now, ALL those dates are subject to change, cancellation, etc.