On being stalked ... part 2

Continuing on with the story ...

When I was in my early 20's I lived with a guy.  A guy who, strangely enough, I met in said resort town where Crazy Guy was. He was my first "serious" relationship, and in the beginning he was very, very nice to me.  We got along well for quite a while; I got along well with his family, and we moved in together.  Then he started hanging out with people who were into drugs.  He would leave Friday morning for work, and wander into out apartment again either late on Sunday, or more and more often not until Monday after work ... in the same clothes he had left in Friday morning.  He also became physically and financially abusive.  I briefly rationalized it that he was bigger and stronger than me, and that he didn't realize he was hurting me when he cuffed me across the head.

It took a while, but I eventually got over that.  I suggested that maybe the relationship had run its course and we should go our separate ways.  He agreed, fairly calmly, and I moved into the spare bedroom until we both found other options.

Two weeks later I came home from work and he was sitting in the living room with all the lights out, and his double barreled shotgun across his lap.  I froze in the living room door.  He looked up and, fairly calmly, gave me the old clichéd "If I can have you neither can anyone else".  I tried to reason with him, while waiting for an opportunity to bolt, and wondering where my cat was (he was fine, just so you know).  At some point during the "conversation" I did end up with the gun pointed at me.  I still to this day do not know if it was loaded.  I eventually made it out of the room and into the bathroom with the cordless phone, and this time, with more experience behind me, made a more intelligent choice - I called his dad, and his younger brother.  I heard him go into the bedroom, and I bolted for a neighbour's.  His dad showed up with both his brothers, they took him, and assured me he would not be back.  (His father was a very gentle man; I suspect that if anything, Shotgun Boy's behaviors were learned from his mother)


He stalked me, including following me into parking lots, waiting up the street and parking across the end of the drive so I couldn't leave, showing up at my door screaming, etc.,etc., for about 6 months.  He followed me one night to the dojo where I had started training, and started screaming at me.  A number of the guys I trained with came to make sure everything was OK, and he left.  Made me feel kinda good, to see people care about me.  

It was likely the start of the healing process.  This kind of thing went on until I severed all ties with anyone who were his friends or family, and moved 300 kms (185 miles) away.
I occasionally missed some of his family, and some of our common friends. But I know it was the best choice for me, and for my safety.

I saw him once, a few years later.  He is the only one of my ex's I am actually afraid of.  Our paths have not crossed in over 10 years; I just hope he learned his lesson, grew up, and did not hurt anyone else.

I do however understand the psychology of abused women.  You think you deserve it, or at very least you don't deserve anything better; you make excuses for them; you think it is normal, and that once he realizes he is hurting you that he will stop, because he loves you.  I know now that the thinking is wrong; but I understand how it can happen. 

I also, dear friends, understand why some of you question my taste in men, and are questioning my relationship with someone who refuses to seek treatment for their PTSD.  I do understand your concerns, and I love you for caring.  But I have to be true to my heart, and I truly believe this will all work out.


Stay tuned for part 3.