Wordless Wednesday

 

Wordless Wednesday explained ...

Tomorrow I am participating in my first wordless Wednesday here in the blogosphere. Of course, since being wordless is hard for me, I am cheating, and posting an explanation here Tuesday night! :-)

Wordless Wednesday is not political, nor is there any hidden message regarding freedom of speech, suppression of women's rights, or anything else. It is just a "thing" that some bloggers participate in, where Wednesday is a day for pictures, not words.

So, for the next few Wednesdays, I will be offering you some photos of fall; after that, who knows?

Please enjoy!

Quick Update.

I have talked to the Wolf a couple of times, and things are getting better.

It seems to be a problem with the way he labels things in his head, and he needs to not have a "relationship" label in his head when he "goes off to war".  I am "allowed" to still love him, and stay in contact, and support him, (he is actually starting to sound pleased by this again) but he can't be distracted by having a "girl friend" or "fiancee".  He can have a good friend, and can promise not to get into any other relationships, physical or emotional, without telling me first; he is not saying he wants a license to play fast and loose.  He is not planning on getting into a relationship with anyone else; he just can't be "in a relationship" at all right now  ...

Men are weird.

Oops, sorry, that was my outside voice.

He also didn't rule out the possibility of those other labels coming back in to the picture in the future.  Even seemed kinda pleased at the thought.

And when I asked for clarification that it wasn't me specifically he didn't want to be in a relationship with, he sounded almost horrified that I would think that, and was very quick to reassure me that wasn't the case.


I have been talking to another soldier who has been down a similar road himself.  Similar  to the one the Wolf seems to be on, that is.  He thinks that once the Wolf gets where he is going, he will realize it is not the same theater that is causing his current stress, and may begin to relax.  He is also reinforcing to me that I need to maintain contact, if I want to, for my own sake.


So I am looking after me.  But I am, again, for today at least, at peace with what is going on.  I really think the Wolf is just going through some exteme pre deployment separation anxiety, and I think we can make it.  I think, if we make it through this, we will come out the other side stronger.  


I think we will both have some things to work on when we come out the other side, but I think this is an opportunity, more than a set back.  I think that the Wolf needs to do this to start to heal, to get back on that horse and see that he can, indeed, still ride it.



And, on a completely side note, I am going to use the intevening time to really get serious about working out and eating right, and I am gonna look smokin' hot by the time that boy of mine gets home ....  is that bad ;-) ?

Bless the Broken Road

Today doesn't have a soundtrack, it has a song. I am having a hard time staying positive today. So I will let Bobby C Boyd, Jeff Hannah, and Marcus Hummon say it for me, and hope they are prophets ... may God bless us, every one.

Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

I have always thought this song worked well for the Wolf and I; I em thinking it is even more fitting now.

Red Friday

The Happiness Project

Gretchen Rubin writes a blog (and now a book) called The Happiness Project.  I have decided it is time to start my own personal Happiness Project.

Now some of you might think that my timing is a bit odd, since 2 nights ago the Wolf basically dumped me.  But you see, I have decided that he is lying to himself, and I am not going to believe his lie.  Some of you might call this "denial".  I call it "positive thinking".

Let me explain.

First of all, everyone I have discussed this with (other MilSpouses, my counselor, another career military friend, various friends) agrees that this is a completely wierd decision on the Wolf's part, and the result of pre-deployment stress and seperation anxiety.  No one thinks he really means it.

In the tone of some of those books that Oprah has made popular, I believe you create your own reality with your thougths; that if you think something, and act like it is true, it will become true.  So I have decided that the Wolf has suffered a moment of  temporary panic, and done something rash, and that he will come to his senses, overcome his pride, and admit he might have said something he didn't actually mean.

Just like it is entirely possible that by my fretting and worrying earlier, I attracted the negative energy, and may have "led the witness" to his temporary insanity.

I was at a workshop tonight, ran by the woman that runs our local Family Support Group.  The workshop was on Visualization and Stress (Coping techniques).  One of the exercises she did with us used Angel Cards.  The question I meditated on was how to find peace with what was going on with the Wolf.  The card I drew was "Delight".  This made no sense to me at the time, but I have decided I am going to go with it, and "fake it 'till I make it".

So I am going to be happy.  The Wolf started an on-line scrabble game with my tonight, so he still accepts a connection.  I am going to be happy, not badger him, and just go with the flow.  I truly believe if I give him the time he needs, he will come to his own peace with this as well, and we can start to get past it.

Send me your positive thoughts, friends.  Help me build my happiness project. 

Confused

So the Wolf called last night, and the beginning of the conversation was great.  He has a few days of leave to burn off, so he can take some time to spend with me while I am out there.  Things went like that for the first 10 minutes or so, and then he said to me "Are you still sure you want to come out?"

Me: Ya, why, is there a reason I wouldn't?

Wolf: Well, I've been thinking, and I've been wresting with this for a while.  But every time I get deployed, if I am in a relationship, there is drama, and I just don't want to deal with it.  I know I am blaming you for things other women have done and that's not fair, but I have this baggage, and I just can't put it down.

Me (in shock at this point): OK, slow down; are you dumping me?

Wolf: Ya, if you want to be blunt, I guess I am.

I talked to him a bit longer, but I can't give you a blow by blow because I was, and still am, in shock.

He claims to think he is "broken" and that he can't have a normal relationship, or feel what love is supposed to be.  I tried to tell him that there are no "normal" relationships, and what does he think love is "supposed to be", but I couldn't get and answer that made sense to me.


I think, may be wishfully, that this is just an extreme example of the pre-deployment separation reaction.  

I know I still love him.  I know that not being "officially" a couple is not going to make me worry about him or miss him any less.  It just adds an extra layer of stress to it, and takes away the looking forward to the reunions.  


I don't know if I need face-to-face closure.  My gut says to cancel my plane tickets and give him the space he needs to work through this.  My head doesn't currently have an opinion; it is not working.  My heart wants to be held and told it is all a bad dream.  


Right now I am thinking I will wait, and see if he changed his mind, or at least will talk some more.  I will not be "moving on" any time soon, and I will tell him that.


Watch this space for further updates ....

Monday

Soundtrack: I Don't Like Mondays, The Boomtown Rats

I have no ambition today. I had a very busy weekend, and I am now very tired. I just want a magic wand so I can get all my errands done, and make it be Thursday night, so I can finish packing, sleep, wake up, and hop on a plane to go see my handsome Wolf.

I did finally have a good conversation with the Wolf last night; we talked for about an hour, and there was no grumpiness. A lot of Zen philosophizing, but no grumpiness. It sounds, wonder of wonders, like he is even trying to plan some touristy stuff to do while I am out there, some things he wants to show me, and some things he has never done himself yet that he thinks we shoud try. Something about "walks on the beach and that kind of shit" - yep, he's a romantic at heart.

That's all well and good, but I am still feeling aprehensive about this trip. I am still afraid that by the time I get there, the pendulum will have swung, and he will be the grumpy Wolf again. And that I will be left with more memories of hard words.

Loneliness

Beverly Clark (J. Lo): We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'. Shall We Dance, (2004) 

To feel alone is worse than to be hated.  A least if people hate you, they are thinking of you, you matter to them in some way.

To feel so inconsequential that you don't think anyone even thinks about you, like you don't matter to anyone, is worse.

I do agree that is the one need we all have in relationships - to know that we occur to the other person.

I am feeling a bit alone tonight.  

I had a wonderful breakfast with some friends.  I have no reason to feel alone or lonely.  It doesn't make sense, and sounds petty and childish and stupid when I try to put it into words.  But I am still feeling it.

My closest friends have wonderful, full lives, with partners and children and outside commitments, etc., etc.  I call them from time to time, to see how they are doing, what is new.  If they ask me how I am I am honest - sometimes I am up, and sometimes I am not.  I do talk about the Wolf, and the reality of this life.  I don't know if they think I am one track and boring, or if they think I am whining, but they rarely if ever call me.  Maybe they think of me, but are too busy to call.  I think of them way more often than I actually get to picking up the phone.  The more haunting possibility is that they are so busy with their own lives, that I don't even occur to them.


Both more and less hurtful, the Wolf is often the same lately.  He rarely initiates contact, and sometimes doesn't respond when I do.  I have explained to him that a simple "I am grumpy/busy/whatever" is much better than ignoring me, and that being ignored hurts, but it doesn't seem to do any good.  I can't imagine what is going on in his head right now (as much as the MFRC literature tries to explain it); but really, does it make basic decency go out the window?  I just want to know he thinks about me, that I pop into his head sometimes.  He thinks I should take that for granted, and doesn't understand why I need reassurance.

Nervous.

Today is Sunday; and Friday morning I fly out to see the Wolf for 10 days before he goes "away on business" for the next 10 or so months.

I should be excited, shouldn't I?

But instead, today, I find myself apprehensive. Nervous. Scared.

Part of it is that we haven't talked much over the last couple of weeks. He went from sitting in a hotel room, nominally on pre-deployment work up, bored out of his skull, to crazy busy trying to fit everything in, because the wonderful people who run these things couldn't organize their way out of a paper bag. So we didn't talk for a week because he had no time or access, and since he's been home we have only talked twice, very short, because he is a) still a bit time fucked and b) grumpy as a bear with a sore tooth.


I have read all the wonderful pre-deployment literature the MFRC sends out. I know all the "phases" and the things that they call "normal". Sometimes I wonder if I have read so much that I am now tilting at windmills; seeing things they told me to expect, even if they aren't really there.


Block leave back in July didn't go well, partly because of the influence of the Wolf's mom, who winds him up, and partly because of some other news that we were wresting with at the time, which has since resolved as "not as scary". I had told him all along that I wanted to come out for one more visit before he deploys. He was OK with that all along. I want some normal, happy memories.


Now don't get me wrong, we had some good times while he was home in July; I have two amazing pictures his sister in law took of us together, one laughing, one kissing. I have them beside my bed, and I say goodnight and good morning to him every day through those pictures. There are many other good memories, over the course of 24 years of friendship, and what it has now evolved into!



I am trying not to build myself up to expect something perfect while I am out this time; but in turn I think I have worked myself into expecting something horrid. A little tiny part of my brain is afraid I am coming home single. The Wolf doesn't understand why I am willing to put up with him, and this crazy life style, and thinks I would be better off with someone with a "normal" job (ya, since that has worked so well for me in the past!). It would not be unthinkable for him to try to "scare me away" because he thinks it is in my best interests.


I am sure the pendulum will swing a couple more times before he actually goes away; I am also sure that the first few months he is away will make the worst PMS seem like a Roman Holiday.


Of course, if I bring any of this up with him, he just gets angry, and doesn't understand "why {I} am so insecure". *sigh* He also hates the folks at the MFRC (in general, not mine specifically) and will tell me to stay away from them and not believe anything they tell me. Which I am not going to do. I have made a couple of connections there, although not at strong or helpful as the connections I have made on-line (and you know who you are!)


Words of advice, or donations of alcohol, are welcome.
(Joking on the alcohol. That has never worked as a problem solver for me - I'm too much of a control freak)

Red Fridays

Love and Romance ...

See Brigid's post on "Real Men" here. (Then go read the rest of her stuff. This lady rocks!)

I got me a "real man", by her definition. But if you have yourself a "real man", ya gotta know how ta handle him, and how ta appreciate him.

OK, ditching the accent now. ;-)

Seriously, if you have the pleasure of being in the company of a rough around the edges type, you may have to re-define you definition of romance.

True love loads your magazines for you :-)

I have a real man. I highly recommend them. But get your own! The Wolf is spoken for ;-)


There is a quote I like, I can't remember it exactly, or where I heard it, but basically it says true love can only really happen when you stop believing in happy ever after. I think that is why many versions of marriage vows have that bit about "for better and worse". That "worse" part happens some days. And its not just the "poorer" and "sickness" parts of "worse" that are also mentioned in the vows.

True love is loving each other when you don't like each other very much. When he comes home off exercise smelling like he hasn't showered in a week, (cause he hasn't), and leaves his kit in a big pile in the middle of the kitchen floor.

True love is him still loving you when you are having one of those days where you need him to hold you and let you cry, even though he hates not just being able to go out and shoot whatever has upset you (and especially if it is him that upset you).

True love accepts the other as human, with real frailties, and weaknesses, and bad habits. True love can love the sinner while hating the sin.

True love can overcome distance, long separation, communication black-outs, different world views, and different backgrounds.


True love respects and forgives.

The Extended Cast

Soundtrack for this post: Lean on Me, the Citizen Keane version

Well, since it looks like I am going to keep doing this, it is time to "introduce you" to some people:


MBF – my best friend. Referred to like that often enough in real life that some people think that’s actually what it says on her birth certificate. She has been my friend since the mid 80’s. We have seen a lot of what life has to offer together. She still seems to like me anyway.

PS – MBF’s hubby. Often referred to in real life as “my best friend’s husband”; my other friends often wonder if he has a name of his own. PS is a Pastor, and one of the coolest ones you are ever gonna meet. His life has given him a wonderful perspective, grounded solidly in reality.

Y, J and Q – MBF and PS’s 3 daughters. Y is significantly older than the other two, and is out on her own now. J & Q are still in elementary school

MBGF and BW – My best guy friend (who has been told he’s “just gay enough”) and his beautiful wife (who happens to be MBF’s cousin), one of the most centered, down to earth people I know.

SG, Little P, and the Angel – Serious Girl, their oldest daughter, who is very serious for one so young. Little P, their son, (who is so interested in the same things as me, I occasionally wonder if he is somehow actually “mine”), and Angel-girl their precocious youngest daughter. All 3 are in elementary school.

Mom, Dad – mine. They’ll get their own post.

Brother – my brother. My brother and I were quite close, but recent events are beginning to test that. We have been told we look nothing alike, but share the same twisted sense of humour.

SIL - My brother's wife. SIL and I are not exactly “close”. She is sometimes referred to as “the woman my brother chose to marry”

Beautiful Girl, or BG – daughter of Brother and SIL

The Boys – two wonderful little boys my brother and SIL adopted, but were forced to give up to a second family. The main reason SIL and I have issues. This is something that is still very painful for our family

Grandma T – My maternal Grandmother, deceased. She was very influential in my life.
MIL, FIL – the Wolf’s parents. They might get their own post some day

Ducky – a good friend of mine who moved away to the US to be with the love of her life.

T and the Moose – my neighbour and her (large, rambunctious, and loveable) dog

Inukshook – a good friend who moved to the north-western corner of Canada, again, with the man she loves

The Lunatic - another friend, male, can be high maintenance

Today's sunshine ...

10 more sleeps till I'm back in the Wolf's arms, for 10 days!!!!

White tea chai at the local cafe

'Tis the season to make date & nut loaf

Good friends

Snuggly dogs

Appreciating people for who they are

Wow.

Soundtrack for this post:  Morbid Fascination, Midnight Syndicate

So after the weekend from hell this weekend, I came home and went for a nice, long hike by the local river. About 4 kms in there is an old canoe launch, from an outfitting comany that no longer exists.  I sat there on the concrete at the water's edge, and contemplated that fact that just because my mother is my mother does not give her the right to be a negative, stressful influence in my life, and I need to make some choices.

As I sat there, I noticed slight movement out of the corner of my eye.  When I looked over, there was a nice sized queen snake poking her head up from under the end of the concrete.  We stared at each other for a few minutes, then I went over for a closer look, and also to verify my ID.  She let me put my hand under her head and cradle her head and "neck", she didn't try to flee.  (Admittedly, she may have been slightly chilled, and therefore more docile).  As I sat with her, two more came out, just honestly curious, not afraid at all.

After I sat and visited with them, thinking about nothing other than how cool it was, and how pretty they were, I felt so much better.

I have a good friend I will call the Lunatic.  Lunatic stopped by my office today, and I was telling him about my snake experience.  I mentioned that I did not know what snake energy represented in folklore, and after he left, I googled it.  This is what I found:

Messages:
If snake has come into your life perhaps it is time for you to go through your own rebirth experience. Snake has the ability to look deep into your soul, see what you need most, and then help you attain your goals. It is also a good time to learn how to control your temper and passion so that you do not strike out at others unnecessarily. If you have been feeling unbalanced and unfocused lately, snake will help you to balance yourself and get in harmony with the vibrations around you.
Is it time to let go of old patterns that no longer serve you? Are there certain people in your life that are hurting you and serve no purpose on your spiritual path? Are you striking out at others with spite and anger? Do you wish to feel more in tune with your spiritual gifts and the energy patterns around you? Snake will assist you will all of these issues if you embrace and welcome him into your sacred space.

from this web site

Hmmmm ... once again, the universe seems to be dropping some pretty heavy hints.

***************

Queen Snake, (Regina septemvittata) is a rare snake in Ontario.  There are no current or historical records of this species for near the location where I was, and only historical records for it about 2 kms downstream of where I was. 

Queen Snake, like many snakes, are rare or endangered because of "fear kills", that is humans killing them simply because they are a snake, and people are afraid of snakes.  Most snakes are not harmful, and if you give them a chance to escape, they will escape.  There is rarely a reason to kill a snake.

My mother ...

Soundtrack for this post: I Quit, the Hepburns

Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.
Leon: My mother?
Holden: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about my mother.
[Leon shoots Holden with a gun he had pulled out under the table]

Blade Runner, 1982

I spent this weekend at my parents place. My brother, the woman he chose to marry, and their 3.5 month old baby girl were there as well.

My mother and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. I realize that some of her habits are created by hardships such as loosing her own father to illness when she was only 16, but she is an adult now and responsible for her own reactions. She has been causing me stress and making me miserable for most of my 40 years, and I may have reached my breaking point this weekend.

One of my main revelations was that my mothers immediate reaction to anything that happens is

1. see the worst possible outcome
2. see how that well affect her, even if it is really about someone else
3. get angry, and start blaming
4. play the martyr card

Now, interestingly, my own reaction when something goes wrong is:

1. feel guilty
2. try to "make it better", regardless of the cost to my own sanity

Hmmm, I wonder if these two things might be related ...

My mother expects me to be her best friend. I read a book once entitled "Emotional Incest" and that pretty much sums up the relationship between my mother and I. There is no, nor has there ever been, sexual abuse by either parent, but my mother expects me to fill emotional roles in her life that should be filled by her parents, her spouse, and her friends.

When I was about 15 I lost it with her one night, and yelled at her, in front of my father, that I was not the appropriate person for her to use as a sounding board about the trouble in their marriage. I was their child, for God's sake, not her therapist. When she said she "stayed for the kids" what I heard was "its your fault I am miserable".

My father apologized to me the next day. My mother didn't talk to me for 2 weeks.

When my mother did start talking to me again, it was right back where it had always been, her complaining to me in every conversation about my father, about how crappy her life is, etc., etc. My brother had escaped to University by this point, and was flourishing as a person once he was out from the influence of our family. He has continued to be much more successful that I was at creating the distance, and has recently been strongly encouraging me to also distance myself, for the sake of my own sanity.

My father is 83, and is dying. He has less than 50% of both his lung capacity and his heart function at this point. His doctor said his lungs are basically turning to fluid inside his body. He is at home, but is on oxygen 24/7. My mom is 13 years younger that him, and will turn 70 in a month.

I always thought my mom would go first, since she is so up tight and dad is so laid back. My dad has a lazy boy recliner that is fully powered, he has a little remote that puts the foot rest up, reclines the back, and then lists to stand him up when he needs to get up. He spends most of his time in this chair, including sleeping in it, since he can't breathe when he lies down.
Saturday afternoon, the chair stopped working. It will still put the foot rest up, and stand him up, but the back will not recline.

Which means he won't be able to sleep. If he tries to sleep sitting straight up, his head falls forward and he starts to choke.

Now, the chair is only 2 months old, and has a 5 years warranty. Mom called the store and tried to get some help, but of course it was Saturday, so the repair guy wasn't there. I did not hear her original phone call, and I don't know how polite she was or wasn't. The sales lady promised to have a look and call back. I tried checking all the connections, and unplugged the chair for a few minutes to see if anything would re-set, but no luck.

Mother pitched a fit. She was mad that it happened on a Saturday. She was mad at the universe, I guess, but she took it out on me and dad. About 1/2 an hour later, my brother, his wife, and the baby arrive. Mother is so mad still she can barely talk, is slamming things around, literally spitting out one word answers to questions.

The store called back, she couldn't suggest anything, but when I explained to her dad's health and why we really needed the chair to work, she said she would call their repair guy and leave him a message, just in case he could call over the weekend.

Dinner was miserable. There is a whole extra layer of stress with my brother's wife, but we will get into that on another post. After dinner I had already made arrangements to go out with a friend, and had told mother that earlier in the day. But boy, I could hardly wait to get out of there!

Sunday wasn't much better. Dad had slept in bed with one of those triangle pillows supporting him, but hadn't slept well. I made the mistake of asking. Mom's reaction was not sympathy for my dad at not getting a good night's sleep; she was mad at him because she had gotten him the triangle pillow and he still couldn't sleep. He did not imply she was to blame, but she took it personally, and got mad.

My brother left shortly after lunch, and I left about 15 minutes later.
I realize that if she upsets me soooooo much, I should not subject myself to the situation, but I love my father, and I do want to visit him. They are not really close enough for a "day trip" visit. But I need to do something for my own mental health too. I am so upset by the visit that a gastro-intestinal problem I have is flaring up again.

A good friend has asked me if my mom has realized that once my dad dies, I won't be home to visit nearly as often.

Who am I?

Soundtrack for this post: Every Man's Heart, Archie Fisher

It's only an old tale I heard in a rhyme, there are four women in every man's heart
Through the ages of love they pass one at a time, to hold you together, or tear you apart ...

The maid in the meadow who runs by your side ...
The Daemon lover who burns at your breast ...
The stout hearted women who'll give you her hand ...
The tall quiet woman who stands by your side ...

Cue: I'm every woman, Whitney Houston ...

I am maid, mother, and crone.

I am the four women.

I am crow. I am bear. I am undiscovered.

I am every woman.

When I was first starting to learn about astrology, I was taught that you are born under the influence of 3 signs - your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign (ascendant). These signs influence your behaviour and personality to varying degrees over your life, with your sun sign (Cancer, for me) dominant for your first 30 years, your moon sign (Taurus) dominant for the next 30, and your ascendant (Virgo) dominant for the "last" 30. I guess once you turn 90 you get to wear purple dresses with red hats, and be whoever you care to be! (note: this lesson was a long time ago, and I might not have it quite right)

So that led me to wonder if the same applies to spirit animals. I know I stongly identified with the crow when I was younger (in my first 30 years), and crow and his cousins are still my friends, and will come to me with messages when I choose to hear them. But I have felt a strong pull to bear for the last 5 or 6 years as well. Three years ago on my way to the cottage I saw a young of the year black bear get hit by a car, and I was (and still am) deeply affected by it. I have felt bear's energy when I meditate as well, and have been drawn to the quiet power and strenght of bear in art and nature.

Brigid, who is maid, mother, and crone in the Celtic mythos, is one woman who is all women. I believe we are all multi-faceted, bringing out the part of ourselves that needs to be dominant to deal with the situation that faces us. Sometimes the mother-Cancer-bear quiet strenght is needed to get though what is facing you; sometimes the Taurus persistence or the crow's cleverness will help win the day.

For my upcoming challenge, I hope that this will allow me to be a strong, capeable woman while the Wolf is away, and continue to live my life to the fullest. Yet when we can snatch time together, I can be the woman he needs me to be, and blend into the relationship with dignity and ease. I can be a whole person, and half of a relationship, all at the same time as well.

Friday, September 11

Seasons of deployment

I am in one of those reflective moods again today, and I am finding it especially fitting that the wolf will be gone over the winter. Not happy about it, mind you, but if he has to be gone, the timing of this deployment seems to, in a way, "fit".

I have very strong ties to natural cycles, because of my personality, which led me to my profession, which further feeds those ties.

I may be feeling a bit down and dark, but I am finding it symbolic that the Wolf will be leaving as fall gives way to winter, a time of darkness, and reflection, but which, through the cycle that is, is inexorably moving towards the re-birth of spring, and the joy of summer (and hopefully, the joy of a late summer reunion!)

We are going to choose to politely ignore that "other" symbolism that winter holds.

Unfortunately, he does not return with the spring like Persephone, but will not be back to me until at least late next summer. So I will choose to take the energy of youth an re-birth that is offered, and absorb it into myself, and take solace and strength from it.

Now, his first HTLA (R&R) is currently scheduled to start February 14th - another good day for a reunion of lovers, no? *wink wink* Aside from the obvious relationship of the day to romance and lovers (and fertility, but we are SOO not going there either!), the day after, the 15th of February, is, in the pagan calendar, the Feast of Lupercalia, the Wolf God. Hmmmmm... I looked it up. There will be no whipping of the women to ensure fertility! I am sure we can come up with our own way to celebrate.

Mission Creep

Soundtrack for this post: Du Hast, Rammstein, The Matrix Soundtrack

I love learning new military terms.

What is Mission Creep, you may ask?

The icky, unwashed guy with the thing for on-line porn, the one you really don't want your sig other to have to share a shack with?

Nope.

Ah! I know! Its what your panty hose does over the course of a day!! Or that thong you thought was a good idea because then you wouldn't get "visible panty lines"

Nope, but I do think of that now, and smile!

Mission creep is: the expansion of a project or mission beyond its original goals, often after initial successes. The term often implies a certain disapproval of newly adopted goals by the user of the term. Mission creep is usually considered undesirable due to the dangerous path of each success breeding more ambitious attempts, only stopping when a final, often catastrophic, failure occurs. The term was originally applied exclusively to military operations, but has recently been applied to many different fields, mainly the growth of bureaucracies. (Thanks to the wonderful folks at Wikipedia for that definition!)

Like many military terms and ideas, mission creep is something many of us deal with in out daily lives, although not always caused by "the dangerous path of each success breeding more ambitious attempts". But the "final, often catastrophic, failure" does come about, some times.
I have always thought I was just unfocused, easily distracted, or had very mild ADHD ... but no, I am a victim of MISSION CREEP!

This is a real challenge for me at work. A large part of my job is to find environmental stewardship projects to do, then find the funding and other resources to do them. Often we involve partners in our projects. Partners who have ideas. Ideas for new projects, which are great, so we add those in too. Then we get introduced to more partners, who also have ideas.

And the original mission creeps. And I end up working crazy hours, to try to get everything done, satisfy all the commitments I have made, meet with all the new partners ... you get the idea. My most recent "final, catastrophic failure" saw me spend 5 hours in the hospital, hooked up to EKGs, getting x-rays and ultrasounds, poked and prodded. The attending doc finally decided I was suffering from stress. The nurse who discharged me suggested a glass of red wine every night.

I think for me, mission creep is mostly caused by my inability to say no. This is a function of my God complex. I think it is my responsibility to fix everything. Everything. Like climate change, world peace, and endangered polar bears. Yep, its all up to me. And if I say no, I know that no one else can do it right, so I have to do everything myself. Yes, I have a *bit* of an ego.


Note: for some reason, posting this has changed the colour scheme on my blog. I don't know why, or how to fix it. **sigh**

Self Suficiency - Just do it

Subtitle: Just because my man is deployed, doesn't mean I'm helpless!

Soundtrack for this post: Miss Independent, Kelly Clarkson

I did something this morning that was a real challenge.

I helped my neighbour put up a new clothes line.

Now, this might not sound like a real challenge, but I am not overly fond of heights. And to reach the pulley for the far end of the clothes line, I had to go up to the almost top rung of an extension ladder, while it was leaning against the corner of an old barn. And then actually do stuff. Like take out the old line, and put the new line through. Which meant I couldn't cling to the ladder with a death grip, which is what I dearly wanted to do. The whole time I was doing this, I had an internal dialogue going with myself, telling myself I could do it, and I would do it, because there wasn't anyone else around to do it for me.

I am very proud of myself for accomplishing this.

But it got me thinking a bit about "who I am", and all that stuff. (Aside: The Wolf says I think too much)

I have spent a decent part of my life as a "single" woman, or sometimes living with men that were not really a lot of help with things that needed to be done. I was also always a bit of a tom-boy. My dad always made sure that both of his children (and my mom) could do things like change tires, ground electrical outlets, basic home and car repairs, etc. Couple these two facts, and you get a decently self-sufficient individual.

I think this is a trait that gets me a check in the "plus column" for this life that has chosen me. I am capable of doing what needs to be done. At very least, if it is beyond my abilities, I am capable of hiring someone to do it, and have a decent chance of not getting "taken to the cleaners".

It always gets my hackles up a bit when I hear women who are single, (whether "really" single or temporarily single by circumstance), complaining about things that need to be done and not having a man to do it for them. You can do it yourself. If you can't do it yourself, then you have friends and neighbours, community and family, that hopefully you have cultivated and they will help you. And that you will help in return.

Now don't get me wrong, I love having the Wolf around, and I need him in my life. I do ask him to do things he is better suited to than I am, when he is here. But if he is not around, I don't become dysfunctional. I am a strong human being, a strong woman, and I can do what needs to be done.

Like climb up a big, scary ladder, and fix a clothes line.

Perfect is the enemy of good, part II

This summer when the Wolf was home for bloc leave, I planned a 3 day romantic get away for us. Went all out, go the hotel room with the jacuzzi, the reservations at the fancy restaurant with the amazing view, the wine, the nice martini glasses and fixin's for in the room ... you get the picture. I wanted everything to be perfect.

And it rained the entire time. And the Wolf was in a bad mood, part pre-deployment mind and part something else, which may get its own post at some point. The view wasn't as nice as things he's seen in Africa. He didn't see what all the fuss was about for this area.

And I was devastated. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to have this amazing time before he leaves, good memories, fun, warm loving feelings. It didn't happen there. It was, however, not all bad. We had some fun, and made some memories, albeit not the ones I had planned. But since I had set myself up for this "perfect" get away, I couldn't appreciate it at the time.

A few days later, back home, we managed to grab a few lazy hours. We fell asleep on the sofa in his parent's living room, me on top of him, both out cold.

I think that is one of my favorite memories from this leave, or at the least one of the most comforting ones.

* * * * *

I got one of those viral getting-to-know-you answer these questions thingies today on Facebook. One of the questions asked "what was your favorite vacation"?

I have been some cool places and done some cool things, but when I thought about it, my favorite trip was going down to see the Wolf when he was on course in Delaware. We did touristy things the first weekend, but then he had to go back to "work", and I hung out by myself during the day, and then made supper for him and whoever else showed up (man those guys can eat!). My favorite memories of that trip? Chatting about randomness while I did dishes and he checked e-mail; making coffee and sitting at the kitchen table talking over it; laying on the sofa, me reading, him watching TV, idly holding hands and snuggling.

Not some big, elaborate, "perfect" thing we had planned.

* * * * *

So next time I am fussing over something that I think needs to be "perfect", I am going to think back on all my happy memories, and realize that they are not perfect, but they are good. Very, very good. And that is good enough.

Perfect is the enemy of Good

Its a quote from Voltaire. And the perfect summation of why I was so bitterly disappointed in the way the 3 day mini-holiday during the Wolf's Bloc Leave went. I wanted everything to be perfect, which wasn't a very realistic expectation. So I was devastated.

More thoughts to follow, but for now, GO HERE