Stay Safe, Sebastian

Getting ready to say "Stay safe, and take care of yourself", again.

My good friend Sebastian heads off to play in the sand soon. At this point, the off the record rumours he has been hearing, and various things they have been instructed to do in preparation for this deployment, indicate he could be away for a very long time. In the last 6 months, Sebastian has gone from being my rock and my voice of reason, to being a very good friend, to soemone who holds a very special place in my heart.

I have already decided on his "thanks for being you / deployment gift"; he will arrive to a package from me containing, in addition to the usual stuff, a pair of these:


Oakley Polarized Half Jacket XLJ's, with a spare pair of lenses. I figure they are usefull and portable; Sebastian will be outside the wire most of the time, and so I can't load him up with the same types of things I have been sending to the Wolf, who is stationary for the most part. Not only that, I hope he sends a pic back, because he will look pretty hot in them ;-)

We finally had the "lets get all our cards on the table" talk last night, and have decided a potential deployment of over a year is not likely the best thing for a budding relationship; we are "just good friends" at this point, and will stay that way for the duration of the deployment. While we acknowledge we have fairly strong feelings for each other, and all things being equal will see where things are when he comes home, while he is gone we are just good friends. And I am, quite seriously, OK with that. The man has his head screwed on right; this is not separation anxiety, this is reasonable and realistic. We had an honest talk about the way we both feel, and we are comfortable with the way things are. He did not tell me not to feel the way I do, nor did he appologize for or make light of his own feelings. It was very refreshing.

That's not to say I am not going to miss him like crazy, worry about him, or occasionally have some dark days. I am sure I will. I care very deeply for him, and the fact that we are not "in a (romantic) relationship" has absolutely nothing to do with that.

With his job, while he is away communication with him will likely be very sporadic. I have no idea how often I will be able to have interaction with him. I like to think that I will be OK in that, secure in the knowledge that he will contact me when he has a chance, and than he knows I am thinking of him, no matter how often my letters and packages reach him, wherever he may be.

~~~~~~~~~

I was doing some reorganizing of my apartment last night, and wondered briefly if I will ever not have a corner of a room with open cardboard boxes in the process of being filled for various deployed friends. I currently have 3 different boxes going for 3 different folks; when one is full and sent off an empty one replaces it.

In honesty, I likely always will, as long as I have access to someone to send things to (Canada does not allow the "any soldier" parcel any more; you need to send it specifically to someone). The sending of care packages lets those of us that are part of "Task Force: Home Front" feel that we are helping out; allows us to maintain the connection to "our" troops.

From "Ontario Dust", written by Archie Fisher

Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)

Things not to say, part ... ???

Kanani Fong, who recently was re-united with her hubs after he returned form a deployment in the sandbox as a surgeon, has written a post about one of the things returning veterans, and task force home front, have to face before, during, and after deployments.  Rude, and/or well meaning but ill informed, humans. Stupid questions and comments.


Kanani's post is much better written than mine, and generally this post was just to direct you to her blog.  

Of course, being me :-) I will add a few to her list of things not to say/ask.  Some of them will be repeats of things I have mentioned before.

• "you're not really a veteran.  That's just for WWI, WWII, and Viet Nam"
• "You're not really going to stay loyal to (your SO) while he is gone, are you?"
• "So, are you going to fly to (sandbox) and see him over Christmas?"
• "Wow, aren't you worried that he is going to get killed?"
• "Do you miss him?" (you don't need to ask this *every*time*you*see*me*)
• "How can you love/support someone who kills people for a living?" (Really.  From a clerk in a store.)
  

When normal is weird ...

First off, I know most coloured ribbons have multiple meanings; but I learned today that the awareness ribbon for PTSD is generally considered to be teal. So my blog is now sporting a teal ribbon, in honour of all those who still carry their battles with them, and the people who love them.

I had a 2 hour MSN conversation and a few on-line scrabble games with the Wolf tonight, and it was so normal it felt surreal. And now I am asking myself a million questions - did the last few months really happen? Did I imagine it all, and over-react? Why can't I just be happy, why am I second guessing this? Did he find out I made the call, and now he is trying to win me over to convince me to recant? Is he "better"? Did he "come to his senses" finally?

I feel like such a bitch that I can't just take this at face value and be happy about it.

He says he is just winding down right now, spending his last few days getting organized before he heads over to the base he will deploy from. He was going out to dinner tonight with some friends who wanted to see him one last time before he goes. (really trying not te be petty about that, since I didn't get my "one last time before you go" visit)

We shot the shit. We joked. We laughed. We talked about nothing, about the weather, about another on-line game we both play, about people and places and stuff. Plain old every day stuff.

I miss normal. I miss every day stuff.

I miss my Wolf.

But it still seems surreal. And I am soooo waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Strong Enough

I wrote this a little while ago.  I e-mailed it to the Wolf in the wee hours this morning.

Strong Enough

You worry about my being alone so much, I think, and worry if I am strong enough to take you being away. 

I want to reassure you that I am strong enough.

I am strong enough to look after myself, and strong enough to admit that I need you in my life.

I am strong enough to be alone, and strong enough to admit that I am lonely … and strong enough to wait for your return.

I am strong enough to admit that while I want you in my life, I will survive without you.

I am strong enough to admit that I miss you, yet go on living, and making plans, and doing things, and growing as a person.

I am strong enough to go to a friend’s anniversary party and help them celebrate their togetherness, while acknowledging that I miss having you at my side.

I am strong enough to keep you in my heart, and know that this is the right thing to do.

I am strong enough to weep in the shower, and then get out, get dried off, and get on with life.

I am strong enough to admit I love you.  And strong enough to know that adds to my strength, it does not take away from it.

 

Double Ended Candles

I am burning the candle at both ends this week; busy with personal and business commitments.  So, of course, also fighting a cold, and dealing with the whole Wolf situation. 

I spoke at some length with a social worker at the base hospital yesterday.  While, due to confidentiality reasons, he couldn't confirm or deny anything, of course, I could tell from a couple of the questions that he asked, that he had the Wolf's file in front of him.

His standard answer was "you definitely have some legitimate concerns".  They can't, again due to confidentiality, tell me what sort of follow up they will be taking, or even if they will be re-screening him prior to his scheduled d-date.  Unless he gives them permission to discuss it with me, and I expect my chance to make snow angels in hell will come first.

I have also decided that for the next while I am going to start all conversations with "No, I don't feel he is an immediate danger to himself, nor do I feel he is a danger to me, but thanks for asking."

So I wait, and continue to see my own therapist (or counselor or whatever the right name is).  


And take my Cold FX and my garlic and my pomegranite juice :-).  Here's hoping they can make up for serious lack of sleep.

Wolf Training

Soundtrack for this post:  The Tower, Vienna Teng

I had my first appointment today with the counselor provided by the Canadian Forces, to talk about the issue with the Wolf.  He was talking a fair bit about "Fight or Flight" responses.

He feel that the Wolf is in full "Flight" mode.  I, however, am at about 90% Fight and 10% Flight, in the counselor's estimation.  He thinks this is a good thing.

Counselor dude, hereafter refered to as CD, thinks the wolf is running away from his emotions, and how strongly he feels, because he doesn't want to deal with them.  

Me, being stubborn, determined, and used to getting my own way, am still trying to work things out, wait things out, and figure things out.

We also talked about the concept of "Pre Deployment Separation Anxiety".  I mentioned, jokingly, that the only "seperation anxiety" I was used to dealing with was in regards to dogs.  What am I supposed to do, send the Wolf a milk bone to reassure him, and keep him busy?


CD says I should send the Wolf a shirt that smells like me, to give him some comfort.  I laughed.  He said, no, I am actually serious.  Wear a t-shirt for a couple of days, then seal it up in a ziplock so it still smells like you, and send it to him.  The same theory holds - sub-consciously, it will remind the Wolf of me, and trigger "safe" memories.



I'm thinking about it.  CD also recommended a couple of books we should both read; if I do the shirt thing, I will wrap it around one of the books, and send it as a package.


For those of you that are interested, the two books are : 


Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr Sue Johnson


and


The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman


The Wolf and I did talk on Tuesday night; I challenged him, among other things, to go talk to either the OSIS folks or the Padre, and tell them everything that has happened over the last 4 or 5 months, and see if they agree that the way he is handling it is appropriate.  I will not write his response here verbatim; let's just say he declined. 



I also told him that I had been chatting with a good friend, another soldier, another vetran, another "lifer" and a PTSD survivor, although he almost wasn't.  My friend tried to take his own life a few years ago after returning from the sandbox; thankfully he was discovered, his life was saved, and he got the treatment he required.  He now has his head screwed on straighter than most people I know, and he has been my saviour as I work though this.



When I relayed this to the Wolf, and said my friend was recognizing a lot of his own behaviour in the way the Wolf is now acting, his response was "I didn't need to worry about him trying to kill himself".  Not that "I don't have PTSD".  Just that I don't have to worry about him trying to kill himself.


Food for thought.

Consider Me Gone

I just watched the video for Reba McEntire's "Consider Me Gone".

Watch video here: http://www.reba.com/home.htm (but go down first and turn off the radio player, before you hit "play" on the video) 

Listening to this song the first few times, on the radio, my impression was that the lyrics basically were saying "I'm out of here, there's no hope".  After watching the video, I am left more with the impression of "Consider (what your life would be like with) me gone", and make your decision if that is what you want or not.  So, really, really think about it, and decide if this is what you truly want.  Consider this.


The song isn't nearly so depressing if you think of it in those terms.  
I am not ready to give up on the Wolf.  But I think it may be time to make him face the reality of loosing me.  He says he can't handle a relationship "right now".  He needs to wake up and think about if he is really willing to give up on "ever".
I have no intention of leaving, of giving up, of turning my back.  But I also don't want to give him the idea I will only be here when it is convenient for him, that he can get away with shutting me out when it doesn't suit him.

He needs to consider me gone, and maybe, just maybe, he will shape the fuck up.  Like the guy in the video.
I don't want to sound egotistical, but I don't want it to be too late when he realizes what he would be giving up if he continues to shut me out.  I don't want him to regret what he has done, when he comes to his senses.  I want him to come to his senses before it is too late.
I think it is time to push some more buttons.
Stay tuned for further updates.

PTSD

Come on, what kind of Mil Spouse blog would this be without a post on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Seriously!

For info on PTSD, start here, then google to your heart's content, reading everything with a grain of salt.


I have two people in my "real" life with diagnosed PTSD (one civi, one military), and then there is the Wolf and his issues, which "everyone" thinks are PTSD/OSI. (OSI - Operational Stress Injury). I also have a number of bloggy/virtual friends who are caring for partners or family with PTSD.


Both of my "diagnosed" friends have or are receiving treatment for thier PTSD, and both have been absolutely invaluable to me as we work through this. ♥

PTSD is a difficult thing for families and friends. You need to be supportive and understanding without sacrificing your own mental and physical health, sense of self worth, etc.

The below is from the MayoClinic.com article referenced above:

When someone you love has PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder can significantly strain the emotional and mental health of the affected person's caregivers and loved ones. In fact, the term "compassion fatigue" was coined to describe the feelings, such as depression and helplessness, that commonly develop in those close to a person with PTSD.

Hearing about the trauma that led to your loved one's PTSD may be extremely painful for you, and may cause you to relive difficult events in your own life. The person you love may seem like a different person than you knew before the trauma — angry and irritable, for example, or withdrawn and depressed.

If someone you love has PTSD, you may find yourself avoiding his or her attempts to talk about the trauma, or feeling hopeless that your loved one's symptoms will improve. At the same time, you may feel guilty that you can't fix your loved one or hurry up his or her process of healing.

In order to take care of yourself and your loved one, it's critical that you make your own mental health a priority. Eat right, exercise, and rest. Continue to take time alone or with friends, doing activities that help you recharge. If you continue to have difficulty coping, talk with your doctor. He or she may refer you to a therapist who can help you work through your emotions.

A good blog (Canadian!) about Compassion Fatigue can be found here. Of course, if you are like me, it isn't so much a matter of knowing that you should take care of yourself, or even knowing how to take care of yourself, its a matter of actually doing it.

I get it on multiple fronts. I obviously care about the Wolf, and what he is going through right now, and want to do everything I can to support him. I am also involved in my local MFRC (Military Family Resource Center), and give some time, and emotional energy, there. I have a dear neighbour, T, who is going through some things, and of course I care about and am there for her. I have another friend, civi, with PTSD from a traumatic family accident a couple of years ago, who is in the healing process, and has good and bad days. My professional life is also pulled in many directions with projects about "caring and helping".

I am burnt out. I don't have a passion for my job any more, and I am a bit numbed to the hurt of the issue with the Wolf. I don't know if I am accepting it to work itself out because I have faith and peace that it will be OK, or because I am too burnt out to care any more.

And I don't know how to make the time to actually care for myself.

The Wolf saga continues

Well, we have confirmed that I am not only still part of the pack, I am still the alpha female. And that while there might be (and always will be) the occasional other bitch sniffing around, my position is not in danger from any of the competition.

I did a virtual version of how an alpha female would really react the other night. I called him and verbally sunk my teeth into the scruff of his neck and pinned the dog to the ground and made him listen to me while I snarled at him. And he backed down and tucked tail.

Man did it feel good!

I needed to get the "other woman" thing on the table before it rolled around in my brain and festered. There have been no other women, and this is not just an excuse to have no-strings-attached sex while we are apart. This has never been his style, but I just needed to get it cleared up. It is also not a case of me not living up to expectations he had built up in his mind of who I was.

I think that may be yet another challenge to this long distance relationship beast we wrestle with. While separated, we both build up ideas of the other one, memories seen though rose coloured glasses, visions and day dreams of the future. And then they come home/we re-unite. And reality comes crashing in. And we can't read each other's minds, and don't understand the dis-appointment.

Back to tackling the Wolf.

I did warn him that I was PISSED, and since I feel it wasn't fair that he, who claims he doesn't want drama, is the one creating it, and since he did he could bloody well sit there and let me vent. I said it wasn't fair of him to decide whether I was or wasn't strong enough to handle him being gone, or the military life style. It wasn't fair of him to try to push me away when he was going to need his friends and family behind him. It wasn't fair of him to wrestle with and come to this conclusion without talking to me about it. It wasn't fair of him to blame me for things (an ex) had done to him. (The verbatim conversation was a bit longer than that, worded slightly stronger, and loud)

He agreed with me. Turkey. Do you know how hard it is to stay angry at someone who it telling you that you are right? Grrrrr ....

I told him that, I wanted to be angry, and it was really hard to be angry with someone who agreed with you instead of fighting back, and he laughed. Jerk. Then he made me laugh too. Double jerk.

So we made some small talk, talked about what we've done the last few days, and I cooled off a bit.

I told him I was still confused, and angry, and that I thought he was being a stupid jerk (and yes that was really the words I used). He said I might be right, but it was still his decision.

A counselor I know had suggested that when you are in discord with someone you visualize a sword cutting the lines that bind the two of you together, and then "tuck" the ends of the severed lines back into yourself to close the loop. I told him that, and then told him that when I visualize the sword in my hand, it wasn't the virtual lines between us I was cutting with it ... he laughed again. In all seriousness, I told him if I actually had my sword in my hand, I wanted to smack him upside the head with it and knock some sense into his thick skull.

He did promise to keep the lines of communication open; and to be honest if he either smartens up about us, or decides he does have feelings for someone else. He also promised to call his parents this weekend and talk to them; I told him that shutting everybody out makes it harder on us, not easier, and to quit being so gd selfish. I told him to suck it up and deal with the fact there are people that care about him, and he does owe them something.

I did ask him about the Croatia demons, and he told me to quit reading the on-line forum I go to . I said that wasn't it, and pointed out to him the fact he had been mentioning it a lot more often, out of context; sleeping less; drinking more, and all that stuff. He thought I have an over active imagination.

Despite his denial, I wanted to chew on him that this isn't Croatia again; and he isn't recce any more, he is a freakin' helo mech. He is not going to see the same shit he did "back when". He is pulling this whole "going into a war zone" crap - suck it up, princess, you are going to be inside the wire most of the time! Get over yourself.

But I didn't say that. I thought I had pushed enough for one night.

I asked him about sending me e-mails and texts as recently as August 30 telling me "I love you still", and accused him of lying to me, either then or now. He said that when he was saying that stuff he was trying to convince himself it was true. He admitted it wasn't fair of him to not tell me the truth about his uncertainty earlier, and especially not fair of him to wait until after I had bought the flippin' plane ticket to decide to come clean.

We ended on a "comfortable" note, I think. I still don't feel there was any closure, but I do feel like I have at least re-claimed some of my own "power" for lack of a better term, and had my say. But I really don't know how I feel. I will always love him, care for him ... you can't turn off 24 years of friendship ... but there is a bit of trust missing right now, if he could tell me he loved me when he was really trying to talk himself into it. Thank feels dishonest. And I still have a lot of hurt feelings I need to process. And he has made me no promises or commitments about the future. But he also didn't raise his voice, get defensive, or really avoid me during the conversation.

One of the things I am really wrestling with is his comment that the "I love you"s were him trying to talk himself in to it. That is maybe the most damaging thing, trust-wise, that has happened to date. If we ever get back to a place where he says that to me, how am I going to trust him? If we do heal this, what happens before the next deployment?

I got an e-mail from his sister-in-law the other day, asking for his deployment mailing address; she has been e-mailing him and he hasn't answered any of them. I sent her a very light, general reply - since he hasn't talked to any of his family since the end of July, I am sure they know nothing of the conflict between the two of us. And I am not going to be the one to tell them.

And life goes on ...

Bless the Broken Road

Today doesn't have a soundtrack, it has a song. I am having a hard time staying positive today. So I will let Bobby C Boyd, Jeff Hannah, and Marcus Hummon say it for me, and hope they are prophets ... may God bless us, every one.

Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

I have always thought this song worked well for the Wolf and I; I em thinking it is even more fitting now.

The Happiness Project

Gretchen Rubin writes a blog (and now a book) called The Happiness Project.  I have decided it is time to start my own personal Happiness Project.

Now some of you might think that my timing is a bit odd, since 2 nights ago the Wolf basically dumped me.  But you see, I have decided that he is lying to himself, and I am not going to believe his lie.  Some of you might call this "denial".  I call it "positive thinking".

Let me explain.

First of all, everyone I have discussed this with (other MilSpouses, my counselor, another career military friend, various friends) agrees that this is a completely wierd decision on the Wolf's part, and the result of pre-deployment stress and seperation anxiety.  No one thinks he really means it.

In the tone of some of those books that Oprah has made popular, I believe you create your own reality with your thougths; that if you think something, and act like it is true, it will become true.  So I have decided that the Wolf has suffered a moment of  temporary panic, and done something rash, and that he will come to his senses, overcome his pride, and admit he might have said something he didn't actually mean.

Just like it is entirely possible that by my fretting and worrying earlier, I attracted the negative energy, and may have "led the witness" to his temporary insanity.

I was at a workshop tonight, ran by the woman that runs our local Family Support Group.  The workshop was on Visualization and Stress (Coping techniques).  One of the exercises she did with us used Angel Cards.  The question I meditated on was how to find peace with what was going on with the Wolf.  The card I drew was "Delight".  This made no sense to me at the time, but I have decided I am going to go with it, and "fake it 'till I make it".

So I am going to be happy.  The Wolf started an on-line scrabble game with my tonight, so he still accepts a connection.  I am going to be happy, not badger him, and just go with the flow.  I truly believe if I give him the time he needs, he will come to his own peace with this as well, and we can start to get past it.

Send me your positive thoughts, friends.  Help me build my happiness project. 

Confused

So the Wolf called last night, and the beginning of the conversation was great.  He has a few days of leave to burn off, so he can take some time to spend with me while I am out there.  Things went like that for the first 10 minutes or so, and then he said to me "Are you still sure you want to come out?"

Me: Ya, why, is there a reason I wouldn't?

Wolf: Well, I've been thinking, and I've been wresting with this for a while.  But every time I get deployed, if I am in a relationship, there is drama, and I just don't want to deal with it.  I know I am blaming you for things other women have done and that's not fair, but I have this baggage, and I just can't put it down.

Me (in shock at this point): OK, slow down; are you dumping me?

Wolf: Ya, if you want to be blunt, I guess I am.

I talked to him a bit longer, but I can't give you a blow by blow because I was, and still am, in shock.

He claims to think he is "broken" and that he can't have a normal relationship, or feel what love is supposed to be.  I tried to tell him that there are no "normal" relationships, and what does he think love is "supposed to be", but I couldn't get and answer that made sense to me.


I think, may be wishfully, that this is just an extreme example of the pre-deployment separation reaction.  

I know I still love him.  I know that not being "officially" a couple is not going to make me worry about him or miss him any less.  It just adds an extra layer of stress to it, and takes away the looking forward to the reunions.  


I don't know if I need face-to-face closure.  My gut says to cancel my plane tickets and give him the space he needs to work through this.  My head doesn't currently have an opinion; it is not working.  My heart wants to be held and told it is all a bad dream.  


Right now I am thinking I will wait, and see if he changed his mind, or at least will talk some more.  I will not be "moving on" any time soon, and I will tell him that.


Watch this space for further updates ....

Monday

Soundtrack: I Don't Like Mondays, The Boomtown Rats

I have no ambition today. I had a very busy weekend, and I am now very tired. I just want a magic wand so I can get all my errands done, and make it be Thursday night, so I can finish packing, sleep, wake up, and hop on a plane to go see my handsome Wolf.

I did finally have a good conversation with the Wolf last night; we talked for about an hour, and there was no grumpiness. A lot of Zen philosophizing, but no grumpiness. It sounds, wonder of wonders, like he is even trying to plan some touristy stuff to do while I am out there, some things he wants to show me, and some things he has never done himself yet that he thinks we shoud try. Something about "walks on the beach and that kind of shit" - yep, he's a romantic at heart.

That's all well and good, but I am still feeling aprehensive about this trip. I am still afraid that by the time I get there, the pendulum will have swung, and he will be the grumpy Wolf again. And that I will be left with more memories of hard words.

Loneliness

Beverly Clark (J. Lo): We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'. Shall We Dance, (2004) 

To feel alone is worse than to be hated.  A least if people hate you, they are thinking of you, you matter to them in some way.

To feel so inconsequential that you don't think anyone even thinks about you, like you don't matter to anyone, is worse.

I do agree that is the one need we all have in relationships - to know that we occur to the other person.

I am feeling a bit alone tonight.  

I had a wonderful breakfast with some friends.  I have no reason to feel alone or lonely.  It doesn't make sense, and sounds petty and childish and stupid when I try to put it into words.  But I am still feeling it.

My closest friends have wonderful, full lives, with partners and children and outside commitments, etc., etc.  I call them from time to time, to see how they are doing, what is new.  If they ask me how I am I am honest - sometimes I am up, and sometimes I am not.  I do talk about the Wolf, and the reality of this life.  I don't know if they think I am one track and boring, or if they think I am whining, but they rarely if ever call me.  Maybe they think of me, but are too busy to call.  I think of them way more often than I actually get to picking up the phone.  The more haunting possibility is that they are so busy with their own lives, that I don't even occur to them.


Both more and less hurtful, the Wolf is often the same lately.  He rarely initiates contact, and sometimes doesn't respond when I do.  I have explained to him that a simple "I am grumpy/busy/whatever" is much better than ignoring me, and that being ignored hurts, but it doesn't seem to do any good.  I can't imagine what is going on in his head right now (as much as the MFRC literature tries to explain it); but really, does it make basic decency go out the window?  I just want to know he thinks about me, that I pop into his head sometimes.  He thinks I should take that for granted, and doesn't understand why I need reassurance.

Nervous.

Today is Sunday; and Friday morning I fly out to see the Wolf for 10 days before he goes "away on business" for the next 10 or so months.

I should be excited, shouldn't I?

But instead, today, I find myself apprehensive. Nervous. Scared.

Part of it is that we haven't talked much over the last couple of weeks. He went from sitting in a hotel room, nominally on pre-deployment work up, bored out of his skull, to crazy busy trying to fit everything in, because the wonderful people who run these things couldn't organize their way out of a paper bag. So we didn't talk for a week because he had no time or access, and since he's been home we have only talked twice, very short, because he is a) still a bit time fucked and b) grumpy as a bear with a sore tooth.


I have read all the wonderful pre-deployment literature the MFRC sends out. I know all the "phases" and the things that they call "normal". Sometimes I wonder if I have read so much that I am now tilting at windmills; seeing things they told me to expect, even if they aren't really there.


Block leave back in July didn't go well, partly because of the influence of the Wolf's mom, who winds him up, and partly because of some other news that we were wresting with at the time, which has since resolved as "not as scary". I had told him all along that I wanted to come out for one more visit before he deploys. He was OK with that all along. I want some normal, happy memories.


Now don't get me wrong, we had some good times while he was home in July; I have two amazing pictures his sister in law took of us together, one laughing, one kissing. I have them beside my bed, and I say goodnight and good morning to him every day through those pictures. There are many other good memories, over the course of 24 years of friendship, and what it has now evolved into!



I am trying not to build myself up to expect something perfect while I am out this time; but in turn I think I have worked myself into expecting something horrid. A little tiny part of my brain is afraid I am coming home single. The Wolf doesn't understand why I am willing to put up with him, and this crazy life style, and thinks I would be better off with someone with a "normal" job (ya, since that has worked so well for me in the past!). It would not be unthinkable for him to try to "scare me away" because he thinks it is in my best interests.


I am sure the pendulum will swing a couple more times before he actually goes away; I am also sure that the first few months he is away will make the worst PMS seem like a Roman Holiday.


Of course, if I bring any of this up with him, he just gets angry, and doesn't understand "why {I} am so insecure". *sigh* He also hates the folks at the MFRC (in general, not mine specifically) and will tell me to stay away from them and not believe anything they tell me. Which I am not going to do. I have made a couple of connections there, although not at strong or helpful as the connections I have made on-line (and you know who you are!)


Words of advice, or donations of alcohol, are welcome.
(Joking on the alcohol. That has never worked as a problem solver for me - I'm too much of a control freak)

The power of numbers

Soundtrack for this post: Sugarland - What I'd Give

Wow. The countdown timer for the Wolf's business trip just flipped to 49. Fifty and 49 are just one number a part. But my brain has done a complete flip as well. Suddenly deployment has gone from this theoretical thing that was going to happen some day soon to ...

OH MY GOD HE'S REALLY LEAVING and I don't know if I can handle it and its such a long time and there's so much living and organizing and details to get looked after in the next 49 days and how am I going to get through this .....

OK breathe .... you can do this. Thousands of other families have. And some of those families are your friends, and they will help you.

breathe ...

Of course, the 49 days is only hypothetical, since we don't have a firm d-date yet, only a "mid October" target. So it likely isn't really 49 days ... which caused the next panic attack: what if they bump the d-date early? What if they spring some more surprise training on him? What if I actually don't get to see the Wolf again before he goes? What if last time I dropped him at the airport is the last time I see him until his HTLA next year?

breathe ...

Now because numbers are so much fun, and because I am a sick masochist, I figured out how many days in 2009 the Wolf and I have been in the same Province or State ... the grand total is: 29 days. In 8 months so far of 2009, we have spent 29 days in geographic proximity. Maybe I'm already good at this MilSpouse thing, cause looking at it I think "29. That's not so bad, really.."; but it doesn't feel like enough. I am greedy; I want more.

breathe ...

Now, Wolf's sister in law is very happy right now because she is going away on a "girl" weekend, without her hubby and kids. And while I do understand, and I am happy for her, a big, childish part of me is whining because all I want is to be with my man, and do all those little things that she takes for granted, and just be ...

breathe ...

I can do this. I will "put on my big girl panties" and my brave face, and be the strong woman that the Wolf loves. I will support him to the best of my ability, even if that means crying in the shower where no-one can her me, and telling him I am fine when I am not. I know there are others I can lean on when I need to; for him, I will be strong. I will fight my own battles in my own way. I will be his strength at home.

and I will breathe ...