Date nerves on steriods ....

OMG.

We have a "firm" date that Sebastian should be home on leave, and it is coming up in that awful/wonderful fast/slow way these things do.

I need to loose weight.
I need to clean my house.
I need to get a bunch of work stuff done so I can take off for a while.
I need him in front of me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I can touch him and know he's OK.

*breathe*

OK

This is like first date anxiety times 10.  Most of my "relationship" with Sebastian has been on MSN and web cam.  Admittedy, he has seen me on web cam looking pretty horrid - in my PJ's, fresh out of the shower and un-groomed; after a workout, hair in a pony and needing a shower .... but OMG, to be with him.

I know he is not going to care, that our friendship/relationship is not based on how hot I look (or don't), but still, my tummy is all butterflies right now ...

*breathe*

I know, like a lot of things, the anticipation is stressful, and once the event gets here ... as soon as I touch him ... everything will be fine.

I just have to make it until then

*breathe*

There are a couple of things going on right now that make this reunion a bit more important, and a bit more loaded.  Things I can't talk about right now, but things that are on both our minds, things that I am sure will work out for the best, it is just not obvious right now what "the best" is, or how sucky the trip there is going to be.

*breathe*

In my head

An number of my friends, both real world and on-line, have their hubs coming home soon.  Most of them were people whose hubs left the same round as the Wolf.

This would have been bittersweet for me no matter what, since the Wolf doesn't come home for a few more months, but now I have no happy reunion with him to look forward to, and also the fact that Sebastian just left a few weeks ago, and might be gone for as long as 15 months ...

I mentioned this (kind of) to Sebastian last time we MSN'd.  He asked how I was doing, and I mentioned that a lot of my friends were expecting their men home soon, and it was bittersweet for me, and then I told him I really missed him.  His reponse was "I am right here, and I am not going away".  The boy knows how to get right to the point, and say the things that I need to hear.

He is having a rough go right now.  There have been some serious injuries in his section, not boys directly under his command, but his boys have been on scene for the incidents, and there are a couple he is quite worried about.  I am sure they are in good hands.  He has a strong background in sociology and excellent people skills, and I am sure if they get to the point they need help he will make sure they get it.  But still, me being me, I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind, and theirs.

And as weird as it seems, the fact he is continuing to share his life with me, stay in contact, and let me know the little details, is so very, very reassuring to me.  I would have thought I would have been happier not knowing, but there is comfort in the connection, and I am not nearly as stressed out as I expected to be.

Trust is an amazing thing.

127/74

127 days since I last saw the Wolf "live and in person".
74 days till the tentatively scheduled HTLA/R&R (look! I'm bilingual, lol). That's if he decides to actually come home, or to meet me somewhere. There is a very good chance he will want to go somewhere and blow off steam and regroup on his own, which I would completely understand.
270 days (estimated) until this deployment is over. Then we start counting a very short time until the next one. Potentially a matter of weeks, and he will be gone for another 10 months.
I'm feeling it today. Not in an "I can't go on" way, just in an "I'd like to be wrapped in his arms" way. And while I appreciate the hugs from other people, its just not the same. I miss him.
I miss the quiet comfort of just knowing he is there.
At the same time, I have a sense of peace. I am not desperate in my missing him. I can think about him and smile, and remember the good, the happy, the warm. I am not teary, nor am I bitchy about things.
In other news ... I completed the first exercise today in the "Resiliency Coaching" program I enrolled in at work. This is a program designed to look at the stressors in your life and hope you manage them, and to use a couple of guided examples to teach you strategies and coping mechanisms that you can then apply on your own.
This program started with creating a "stress map" of where you are right now. There are 21 different categories across the top; the grid down the side is the "performance zone", from Optimal at the top, through Balance and Strain to Burnout at the bottom.
Yep. Of the 21 Categories, I have 4 in Stress, and the other 17 are in Burnout. Yay me. When I went over the results with the dude on the phone, I kinda of expected him to just tell me I was a lost cause, but he didn't. (He did, however, make sure I was actually seeing a therapist in persona as well). Then we chose one area to look at in more depth, and created an Action Plan. With his guidance (eg - I wanted one thing, he strongly suggested something else) we agreed I would work on a Personal Power Action Plan (don't cha just love all these buzz words?)
So my mission for the next month is to create and implement an action plan to start reclaiming my personal power.
I'll let you know how it goes.

The power of numbers

Soundtrack for this post: Sugarland - What I'd Give

Wow. The countdown timer for the Wolf's business trip just flipped to 49. Fifty and 49 are just one number a part. But my brain has done a complete flip as well. Suddenly deployment has gone from this theoretical thing that was going to happen some day soon to ...

OH MY GOD HE'S REALLY LEAVING and I don't know if I can handle it and its such a long time and there's so much living and organizing and details to get looked after in the next 49 days and how am I going to get through this .....

OK breathe .... you can do this. Thousands of other families have. And some of those families are your friends, and they will help you.

breathe ...

Of course, the 49 days is only hypothetical, since we don't have a firm d-date yet, only a "mid October" target. So it likely isn't really 49 days ... which caused the next panic attack: what if they bump the d-date early? What if they spring some more surprise training on him? What if I actually don't get to see the Wolf again before he goes? What if last time I dropped him at the airport is the last time I see him until his HTLA next year?

breathe ...

Now because numbers are so much fun, and because I am a sick masochist, I figured out how many days in 2009 the Wolf and I have been in the same Province or State ... the grand total is: 29 days. In 8 months so far of 2009, we have spent 29 days in geographic proximity. Maybe I'm already good at this MilSpouse thing, cause looking at it I think "29. That's not so bad, really.."; but it doesn't feel like enough. I am greedy; I want more.

breathe ...

Now, Wolf's sister in law is very happy right now because she is going away on a "girl" weekend, without her hubby and kids. And while I do understand, and I am happy for her, a big, childish part of me is whining because all I want is to be with my man, and do all those little things that she takes for granted, and just be ...

breathe ...

I can do this. I will "put on my big girl panties" and my brave face, and be the strong woman that the Wolf loves. I will support him to the best of my ability, even if that means crying in the shower where no-one can her me, and telling him I am fine when I am not. I know there are others I can lean on when I need to; for him, I will be strong. I will fight my own battles in my own way. I will be his strength at home.

and I will breathe ...