Luck

My last post was a bit sucky, negative, and glass half empty.  I thought about deleting it, but as my dear friend Thormoo has observed, it does represent what I was feeling at the time, so I am leaving it alone.


Better mood today.


I was thinking this morning about a lot of things.  Specifically, for some reason, Sebastian's potential 5th business trip to the sand, and his CO's comment that "your luck has to run out sometime".


It does, and it doesn't, really.  I mean yes, eventually we all die, but I wouldn't necessarily call that one's luck running out. 


 Statistically, I don't believe anyone is more likely to come to harm on their 5th deployment to a certain region than on their first.  I don't care to research the statistics, but I would think if anything your training, instincts, experience and  maturity, all of which contribute to "luck", would have increased.


Even if he doesn't go back to the sand, there will always be another place that needs the help of brave men and women like S.  Afghanistan was not his first deployment, and it will likely not be the last.  There are other places all over the world where people are in danger.  Even on Canadian soil, any of us could fall to tragedy without warning.  


I know I am not going to have this mind set every day; part of writing this down is so I can come back and remind myself.  Something to re-read when I am having a not so rational day.

Red Friday ~ Support the Troops

IS2011-1035-03
06 July, 2011
Kandahar, Afghanistan

The Operational Mentor Liaison Team’s (OMLT) Commanding Officer, Colonel Hercule Gosselin salutes the Commander of 1st Brigade of 205th (Hero) ANA Corps, Brigadier-General Ahmed Habibi as he arrives for the OMLT parade.

During Canada’s combat mission, mentoring and training the Afghan National Army and Afghan National Police was one of six key priorities in Afghanistan. Its contribution to the Operational Mentor Liaison Team programme remained integral to ANA and ANP development in Kandahar Province. The Canadian Forces’ commitment to expand and nurture the confidence and capacity of the Afghan National Security Forces will long remain in the memory of Canada’s engagement in Afghanistan.

Operation ATHENA is Canada’s participation in the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) in Afghanistan. The mission of Task Force Kandahar, the Canadian-led brigade in ISAF Regional Command (South), is to set the right conditions for sustainable progress in security, governance, development and peace in the districts of Panjwa'i, Dand and Daman in Kandahar Province, in conjunction with the Government of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, the Afghan national security forces, and other coalition and civilian partners.

Photo by: Sergeant Matthew McGregor, Canadian Forces Combat Camera
© 2011 DND-MDN Canada

And so we turn the page, and start another chapter

Canadian soldiers walk toward a Canadian air force transport plane as they prepare to leave Afghanistan on June 30, ending nearly 10 years of military presence. (Baz Ratner/Reuters)

Fallen Soldiers Tribute - My Immortal

Honour the fallen, but also thank God that such people lived.

Pro Patria

April 16, 2009 — Fallen Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan Part 1 Video These are of course not all of Canada's 152 fallen, but I wanted to put a video out with real life photos of our fallen and not DND released pictures as almost all videos use respectfully. This was done after watching a British tribute to their soldiers and I liked how it was done so I wanted to make a Canadian version.

Title: My Immortal

Artist: Evanescence

Album:Fallen (2003)

Label: Wind-up

Writer(s): Ben Moody, Amy Lee

Red Friday - Support the Troops

There is discipline in A Soldier, you can see it when he walks,
There is honor in A Soldier, you hear it when he talks.
There is courage in A Soldier, you can see it in his eyes,
There is loyalty in A Soldier, that he will not compromise.


There is something in A Soldier, that makes him stand apart,
There is strength in A Soldier, that beats from his heart.
A Soldier isn't a title any man can be hired to do,
A Soldier is the soul of that man buried deep inside of you.


A Soldier's job isn't finished after an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,
A Soldier is always A Soldier even while he sleeps.
A Soldier serves his country first and his life is left behind,
A Soldier has to sacrifice what comes first in a civilian's mind.


If you are civilian - I am saying this to you.....
next time you see A Soldier remember what they do.
A Soldier is the reason our land is 'strong and free',
A Soldier is the one that is brave protecting you and me.


If you are A Soldier - I am saying this to you.....
Thank God for EVERY SOLDIER
Thank God for what YOU do!

posted by "2VPMom" on Condolence page for Sapper Brian C

Wordless Wednesday

The Wolf's Return

The date of the Wolf's return to this country is approaching fast.  He put something up in his FaceBook recently about the number of days left, and it hit me like a punch to the gut.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.

Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.

His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure.  A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.

Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues.  He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course.  He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.

I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet.  He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally.  I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.

He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings".  Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago.  Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.

Maybe he just wants his friend back.  Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology.  Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.

I am really trying not to let this eat at me.  When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province. 

I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Words ....

I know there are words that will make your heart sink a lot faster than "we have to go out for a long time, and contact will be limited, if at all", but right now I am trying really, really hard not to imagine any of those words ....

I guess the good side is we had a nice, long chat this morning.  He is dealing with some crap, but nothing he can't handle ... and neither am I, in the grand scheme of things.

A trap ...

Two more fallen.  Both Medics.  News reports say the powers that be are speculating about it being a trap, based on the details released.

The Wolf works mainly ITW, but one of my biggest fears was always him being called out to retrieve a downed/disabled vehicle, and having a remote IED detonated.  This is precisely why most downed/disabled helos, and possibly other assets, are destroyed (via airstrike) rather than retrieved, to prevent the loss of (more) personelle.

While I though the tactic of luring sodliers out specifically with the intent of remote detonating an IED was despicable, I did, kind of, understand it as a tactic.

But to lure MEDICS out and remote detonate an IED?  To specifically target medical personelle?

My heart keeps finding new ways to break in this war.

(note: neither of the recent casualties was my friend the medic ... but still ...)

Needy ...

OK, I have been trying to stay light and fluffy, but damn it that last Canadian casualty was too close to home.

I need to hear from him.  Just his "Allo" to let me know he is OK, mentally, emotionally.  I need him to make contact, for the sake of making contact.

I *know* they were on comms lockdown, and he is very busy right now, for the same reasons that I need to hear from him.  Knowing does not make it any easier to deal with.

I have gotten to used to regular contact from him.  He is too good at maintaining the connection, so when it has been a while, and when shit happens, I am waiting for a message, needing a message ....

Eight and a half weeks since he left Canadian soil.  God only knows how many till he comes home.

I thought I was getting better at this.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

For anyone who wonders why international troops are making the sacrifices they do in Afghanistan and other countries:

(Disturbing images ~ viewer advisory)

CNN Video ~ Forced Child Marriages

Heart melted ...

just a little bit more a few minutes ago.

Sebastian sent me a new pic for today ~ of him in a vilage surrounded by local children, with the biggest, happiest, most honest grin on his face I have seen in a long time. Most of the kids are grinning too.

I love that man, for all that he is.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

Joint Canadian-Afghan engineer effort restores traffic on Tarnak River bridge

By Captain Lena Angell

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - A bridge severely damaged by a suicide bomber has been repaired through the joint efforts of Canadian and Afghan military engineers. A Mabey-Johnson prefabricated truss bridge is now in place on the section of Highway 4 spanning the Tarnak River that was destroyed on March 1, 2010, in an attack that claimed the lives of three people.

A crew of nine Afghan National Army sappers, and an equal number of Canadian soldiers, took two days to assemble the Mabey-Johnson bridge. About 40 meters long, it stretches over the section of the Tarnak River bridge on Highway 4, a few kilometers from Kandahar Airfield, where a suicide bomber drove his car into a on-coming ISAF convoy. The car was carrying a massive improvised explosive device, and the resulting blast killed two Afghan civilians and an ISAF soldier, and wounded three more local people. It also tore down a section of the bridge, part of a key access route linking Kandahar City with Pakistan.

“I am extremely proud of the work of my soldiers and very happy for the cooperation between ANA and Canadian soldiers. The building of this bridge is a symbol of Afghanistan’s persistence to not let the insurgents impede our country’s progress,” said ANA engineer Lieutenant Mohammad Fahim, who led the Afghan crew on the project.

“We began the project on March 10th with ANA and Canadian engineers working 24 hours a day to complete the job as expediently as possible so as to minimize impact on the local traffic. We had practiced assembling the bridge days prior, and it was incredible to observe the ANA apply the skills and see the project actually come together,” said the Canadian site co-ordinator, Lt Mike Veitch.

Laid over the original road surface, the Mabey-Johnson bridge is an interim repair that permits one lane of traffic. It will remain in place while the permanent reconstruction of the bridge is planned and implemented. When completed, the new Tarnak River bridge will restore two-lane traffic to 400 metres of Highway 4.

“The repair of the bridge is quite significant, not only allowing for [Afghan National Security Forces] and coalition forces freedom of movement but, more importantly, it allows for local Afghan mobility. It’s a main artery, and its repair means that trade and commerce can continue, which is a key factor to the development of Afghanistan,” said Captain Tyler MacLeod, a senior engineer mentor serving with the Operational Mentor and Liaison Team.

This weekend

Quick update:


I am still in the moving process, and busy at work, so my 'net access is sporadic.

When the news broke on CBC about the rocket attack on KAF my heart proceeded immediately to my throat.  Attacks on KAF never make the news here ... so we all knew this must actually be big.

I changed my Facebook status, and sent offline MSN messages to both Sebastian and The Wolf.  Just saying that the news here was making a big deal of the attack, and if they would spare a few words so I knew they were OK I would appreciate it.

Sebastian managed to respond within a few hours, and let me know he was not near the chaos, and was safe.

I never heard from The Wolf.  His sister in law let me know this morning that she had received an e-mail from him saying things were nutty, but he was safe and sound.  I thanked her, and told her that I had sent him a message asking for a few words and received nothing. 

She had a few choice words for him.

I am wondering how many times you can "give up" on the same relationship?  I had given up on a "couple" realationship, but thought we could maintain a friendship.  I admit some of the nasty things that happened towards the end have been nagging at my mind; flames are licking at that bridge.  I am beginning to doubt that friendship is even possible at this point.  Which hurts, but not as deeply as I thought it might.

In my head

An number of my friends, both real world and on-line, have their hubs coming home soon.  Most of them were people whose hubs left the same round as the Wolf.

This would have been bittersweet for me no matter what, since the Wolf doesn't come home for a few more months, but now I have no happy reunion with him to look forward to, and also the fact that Sebastian just left a few weeks ago, and might be gone for as long as 15 months ...

I mentioned this (kind of) to Sebastian last time we MSN'd.  He asked how I was doing, and I mentioned that a lot of my friends were expecting their men home soon, and it was bittersweet for me, and then I told him I really missed him.  His reponse was "I am right here, and I am not going away".  The boy knows how to get right to the point, and say the things that I need to hear.

He is having a rough go right now.  There have been some serious injuries in his section, not boys directly under his command, but his boys have been on scene for the incidents, and there are a couple he is quite worried about.  I am sure they are in good hands.  He has a strong background in sociology and excellent people skills, and I am sure if they get to the point they need help he will make sure they get it.  But still, me being me, I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind, and theirs.

And as weird as it seems, the fact he is continuing to share his life with me, stay in contact, and let me know the little details, is so very, very reassuring to me.  I would have thought I would have been happier not knowing, but there is comfort in the connection, and I am not nearly as stressed out as I expected to be.

Trust is an amazing thing.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

Support the Troops ~ Support the Families

Multās per gentēs et multa per aequora vectus

adveniō hās miserās, frāter, ad īnferiās,

ut tē postrēmō dōnārem mūnere mortis

et mūtam nēquīquam alloquerer cinerem,

quandoquidem fortūna mihī tētē abstulit ipsum.

heu miser indignē frāter adēmpte mihi,

nunc tamen intereā haec, prīscō quae mōre parentum

trādita sunt trīstī mūnere ad īnferiās,

accipe frāternō multum mānantia flētū,

atque in perpetuum, frāter, avē atque valē.

Carried through many nations and over many seas,

I arrive, brother, for these miserable funeral rites,

so that I might finally grant the service of the dead

and speak to your silent ashes pointlessly,

since Fortune has deprived me of you in the flesh.

Ah, poor brother, undeservedly lost to me,

now at least for the meantime, these things

which in the time-honored way of our ancestors

are handed down in mournful service to the rites

receive, utterly sodden by a brother's tears

and for eternity, brother, a tribute and farewell.

~~Gaius Valerius Catullus~~

May Peace and Comfort find your loved ones in the days to come, brave soldier, and may they feel the support flowing to them from all over our country.

This Morning's News:

A Canadian soldier has been killed by an improvised explosive device while on foot patrol southwest of Kandahar city, Afghanistan.


[Edits to prevent this blog coming up on a google search for the soldier's name] 

{The Private}, 24, was born in Richmond Hill, Ont.  He was a member of the 1st Battalion, Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry, based in Edmonton, and was reportedly just days away from finishing his tour of duty.


[He} was killed around 8 p.m. local time Thursday while on patrol near the village of Nakhonay in the Panjwai District, about 15 kilometres southwest of Kandahar city, military officials said.


Until recently, Taliban insurgents walked the streets in the community openly and armed, CBC journalist Darrow MacIntyre reported. But over the past several months, Canadian soldiers — including {The Private} — have established a strong presence in the area, driving most of the Taliban out of the area.

Despite the progress, the area is riddled with roadside bombs, and Canadian soldiers find them on an almost daily basis, MacIntyre said.

"His platoon brothers and friends will remember {him} as a dependable and generous man with a quick wit and great sense of humour, which was exemplified by his awesome moustache," said Col. Simon Hetherington, deputy commander of Task Force Kandahar.

"He was a highly skilled soldier who loved his job and whose positive outlook spread to all those around him."

His death brings to 144 the number of Canadian Forces members who have died in the Afghan mission since it began in 2002.


Read more: http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2010/05/14/afghanistan-soldier-killed.html#ixzz0nu3RQlVa

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

Support the Troops ~ Support the Families

~~~~~~~~~

English/Anglais     12 April 2010


Kandahar, Afghanistan


A memorial service was held for Private TWT April 12, 2010.

Private (Pte) T was killed by an improvised explosive device that detonated during a dismounted security patrol in Dand district at approximately 7:30 a.m. Kandahar time on April 11, 2010. The incident occurred in the vicinity of Belanday, Dand district, approximately eight-kilometres southwest of Kandahar City. Joint Task Force Afghanistan (JTF-Afg) is the Canadian Forces (CF) contribution to the international effort in Afghanistan. Its operations focus on working with Afghan authorities to improve security, governance and economic development in Afghanistan. JTF-Afg comprises more than 2,750 CF members.

Master Corporal Matthew McGregor, Image Tech, JTFK Afghanistan, Roto 8

(names deleted to prevent this blog from showing up in a google search)


Pte T, a member of the 1st Battalion, Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry (1 PPCLI), was based in Edmonton, Alberta. He was serving as a member of Task Force 3-09 Battle Group.

At this sad time, our thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends of our fallen Canadian comrade. The commitment and sacrifice of our soldiers and their loved ones are helping to make a difference in the lives of the people of Kandahar Province.

Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)

Red Friday - Support the Troops

AR2010-0047-11     11 March 2010    
Kandahar, Afghanistan

Approximately 15 Canadian Engineers spend two days assembling the Mabey Johnson bridge in the area where two local nationals and an ISAF soldier were killed and three local nationals were injured on March 1st when the suicide bomber drove his car into an on-coming convoy.

Joint Task Force Afghanistan (JTF-Afg) is the Canadian Forces (CF) contribution to the international effort in Afghanistan. Its operations focus on working with Afghan authorities to improve security, governance and economic development in Afghanistan. JTF-Afg comprises more than 2,750 CF members.


Photo credit: Master Corporal Matthew McGregor, Image Tech, JTFK Afghanistan, Roto 8

Perspective ...

I had a witty post written in my head about getting even with someone who really pissed me off yesterday ... and then I went and read this post of Rachel's over at A Little Pink in a World of Camo.

Rachel is a new mom to a beautiful 2 month old baby girl.  She is a marine wife.  And on Sunday, her husband, an American Marine, was killed in operations in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Make my troubles seem kind of petty.

My heart goes out, with my thoughts and prayers, to Rachel, her baby girl, and her late husband.