Needy ...

OK, I have been trying to stay light and fluffy, but damn it that last Canadian casualty was too close to home.

I need to hear from him.  Just his "Allo" to let me know he is OK, mentally, emotionally.  I need him to make contact, for the sake of making contact.

I *know* they were on comms lockdown, and he is very busy right now, for the same reasons that I need to hear from him.  Knowing does not make it any easier to deal with.

I have gotten to used to regular contact from him.  He is too good at maintaining the connection, so when it has been a while, and when shit happens, I am waiting for a message, needing a message ....

Eight and a half weeks since he left Canadian soil.  God only knows how many till he comes home.

I thought I was getting better at this.

In my head

An number of my friends, both real world and on-line, have their hubs coming home soon.  Most of them were people whose hubs left the same round as the Wolf.

This would have been bittersweet for me no matter what, since the Wolf doesn't come home for a few more months, but now I have no happy reunion with him to look forward to, and also the fact that Sebastian just left a few weeks ago, and might be gone for as long as 15 months ...

I mentioned this (kind of) to Sebastian last time we MSN'd.  He asked how I was doing, and I mentioned that a lot of my friends were expecting their men home soon, and it was bittersweet for me, and then I told him I really missed him.  His reponse was "I am right here, and I am not going away".  The boy knows how to get right to the point, and say the things that I need to hear.

He is having a rough go right now.  There have been some serious injuries in his section, not boys directly under his command, but his boys have been on scene for the incidents, and there are a couple he is quite worried about.  I am sure they are in good hands.  He has a strong background in sociology and excellent people skills, and I am sure if they get to the point they need help he will make sure they get it.  But still, me being me, I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind, and theirs.

And as weird as it seems, the fact he is continuing to share his life with me, stay in contact, and let me know the little details, is so very, very reassuring to me.  I would have thought I would have been happier not knowing, but there is comfort in the connection, and I am not nearly as stressed out as I expected to be.

Trust is an amazing thing.

127/74

127 days since I last saw the Wolf "live and in person".
74 days till the tentatively scheduled HTLA/R&R (look! I'm bilingual, lol). That's if he decides to actually come home, or to meet me somewhere. There is a very good chance he will want to go somewhere and blow off steam and regroup on his own, which I would completely understand.
270 days (estimated) until this deployment is over. Then we start counting a very short time until the next one. Potentially a matter of weeks, and he will be gone for another 10 months.
I'm feeling it today. Not in an "I can't go on" way, just in an "I'd like to be wrapped in his arms" way. And while I appreciate the hugs from other people, its just not the same. I miss him.
I miss the quiet comfort of just knowing he is there.
At the same time, I have a sense of peace. I am not desperate in my missing him. I can think about him and smile, and remember the good, the happy, the warm. I am not teary, nor am I bitchy about things.
In other news ... I completed the first exercise today in the "Resiliency Coaching" program I enrolled in at work. This is a program designed to look at the stressors in your life and hope you manage them, and to use a couple of guided examples to teach you strategies and coping mechanisms that you can then apply on your own.
This program started with creating a "stress map" of where you are right now. There are 21 different categories across the top; the grid down the side is the "performance zone", from Optimal at the top, through Balance and Strain to Burnout at the bottom.
Yep. Of the 21 Categories, I have 4 in Stress, and the other 17 are in Burnout. Yay me. When I went over the results with the dude on the phone, I kinda of expected him to just tell me I was a lost cause, but he didn't. (He did, however, make sure I was actually seeing a therapist in persona as well). Then we chose one area to look at in more depth, and created an Action Plan. With his guidance (eg - I wanted one thing, he strongly suggested something else) we agreed I would work on a Personal Power Action Plan (don't cha just love all these buzz words?)
So my mission for the next month is to create and implement an action plan to start reclaiming my personal power.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Who am I?

Soundtrack for this post: Every Man's Heart, Archie Fisher

It's only an old tale I heard in a rhyme, there are four women in every man's heart
Through the ages of love they pass one at a time, to hold you together, or tear you apart ...

The maid in the meadow who runs by your side ...
The Daemon lover who burns at your breast ...
The stout hearted women who'll give you her hand ...
The tall quiet woman who stands by your side ...

Cue: I'm every woman, Whitney Houston ...

I am maid, mother, and crone.

I am the four women.

I am crow. I am bear. I am undiscovered.

I am every woman.

When I was first starting to learn about astrology, I was taught that you are born under the influence of 3 signs - your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign (ascendant). These signs influence your behaviour and personality to varying degrees over your life, with your sun sign (Cancer, for me) dominant for your first 30 years, your moon sign (Taurus) dominant for the next 30, and your ascendant (Virgo) dominant for the "last" 30. I guess once you turn 90 you get to wear purple dresses with red hats, and be whoever you care to be! (note: this lesson was a long time ago, and I might not have it quite right)

So that led me to wonder if the same applies to spirit animals. I know I stongly identified with the crow when I was younger (in my first 30 years), and crow and his cousins are still my friends, and will come to me with messages when I choose to hear them. But I have felt a strong pull to bear for the last 5 or 6 years as well. Three years ago on my way to the cottage I saw a young of the year black bear get hit by a car, and I was (and still am) deeply affected by it. I have felt bear's energy when I meditate as well, and have been drawn to the quiet power and strenght of bear in art and nature.

Brigid, who is maid, mother, and crone in the Celtic mythos, is one woman who is all women. I believe we are all multi-faceted, bringing out the part of ourselves that needs to be dominant to deal with the situation that faces us. Sometimes the mother-Cancer-bear quiet strenght is needed to get though what is facing you; sometimes the Taurus persistence or the crow's cleverness will help win the day.

For my upcoming challenge, I hope that this will allow me to be a strong, capeable woman while the Wolf is away, and continue to live my life to the fullest. Yet when we can snatch time together, I can be the woman he needs me to be, and blend into the relationship with dignity and ease. I can be a whole person, and half of a relationship, all at the same time as well.

Seasons of deployment

I am in one of those reflective moods again today, and I am finding it especially fitting that the wolf will be gone over the winter. Not happy about it, mind you, but if he has to be gone, the timing of this deployment seems to, in a way, "fit".

I have very strong ties to natural cycles, because of my personality, which led me to my profession, which further feeds those ties.

I may be feeling a bit down and dark, but I am finding it symbolic that the Wolf will be leaving as fall gives way to winter, a time of darkness, and reflection, but which, through the cycle that is, is inexorably moving towards the re-birth of spring, and the joy of summer (and hopefully, the joy of a late summer reunion!)

We are going to choose to politely ignore that "other" symbolism that winter holds.

Unfortunately, he does not return with the spring like Persephone, but will not be back to me until at least late next summer. So I will choose to take the energy of youth an re-birth that is offered, and absorb it into myself, and take solace and strength from it.

Now, his first HTLA (R&R) is currently scheduled to start February 14th - another good day for a reunion of lovers, no? *wink wink* Aside from the obvious relationship of the day to romance and lovers (and fertility, but we are SOO not going there either!), the day after, the 15th of February, is, in the pagan calendar, the Feast of Lupercalia, the Wolf God. Hmmmmm... I looked it up. There will be no whipping of the women to ensure fertility! I am sure we can come up with our own way to celebrate.