5's and 20's and ...

I have no idea what the photo in the video has to do with the song, but its the thought that counts ...


So, yes, I have been in crazy work mode, that is why I haven't been posting.  In the eye of the storm right now; the next round of craziness starts Tuesday, so I will be off the radar again for a week or so.


Yesterday saw the second e-mail from the Wolf.  Once again, I forwarded it to the local LEOs to deal with.


Then I wrote up a list of possible locations that he would take me in the event that he wanted to "take me somewhere to talk" privately; locations that have some sort of emotional loading with respect to our relationship, and a brief description of the emotional connection to the location. I told a couple of friends where the list is (top drawer of my wine rack, FYI).


We are approaching the Wolf's birthday (next week).  Three years ago he was in Savannah, GA on training with the US National Guard unit there for a few months.  We had been talking about me flying down for his birthday (the big 40), but I would only be able to squeeze in a couple of days, due to it being my silly season at work.  He was then told he would be doing his work-up for the sand at a Canadian base very close to me (which of course ended up being changed).  We decided, mutually I thought, that it would make more sense for me to save my money and visit more often when he was close to me and doing work up, than to come to Georgia.  He did make a comment later on that made me wonder if the decision was not as mutual as I had thought.


The song is a reference to a conversation I once had with Sebastian about abductions.  He told me that if anyone ever used soft restraints on me to struggle against them and make sure that there were marks left on my wrists/ankles, so there would be evidence for the LEOs.  Red also commented this morning (when I told her the location of the "places" list) to make sure I left a trail to be followed if I could.  I really wish I didn't have to have conversations like that.


Speaking of Sebastian, I have had a couple more interactions with him, but mostly related to him finding stuff of mine that was at his place and returning it.  I did tell him that I desperately wanted to fight to save what we had, because I believe it was worth saving, but his mind, at the moment is made up and I am out of his life.  His comments to me are becoming increasingly hostile and he is reading things into my words that are not there at all; he has shut down his FB account completely.  I really hope he is not isolating himself from everyone who cares about him.

~~~~~~~~~

So that's a quick glimpse into my world.  Oh, and I've worked 80 -90 hours a week the last few weeks, facilitated the planting of 12,250 trees, bar tended a couple of shifts because "no-one else could", and managed to get my lawn cut twice!  I've even managed to sleep occasionally.


Once more into the fray ... 

It's still a wall ...

The quote of the week goes to my best friend:


No matter how pretty, how padded, how soft and inviting the wall is, when you're bashing your head against it, it's still a wall.


And yes, we were discussing men at the time.


Still no contact from S.  A couple of sources I trust, including my peer support person at OSISS, have independently recommended that I give him at least a month to process on his own before I reach out.  Two weeks have now passed, and the next 2 are going to be equally long, I fear.  


I miss him.  Every single day.  But I cannot control his actions; I cannot force him to talk to me, or to even deal with this.  I just need to accept what is.

Perspective ... (Trifecta Wk 15)

After gentle prompting from karen, I have decided to participate in the Trifecta Writing Challenge.  


This week's prompt was: 
fool 
noun \ˈfül\

3  a : a harmlessly deranged person or one lacking in common powers of understanding 

I chose to focus on the second half of the definition given.  Please, let me know your thoughts.

I lie here, curled in my bed, tail tucked over my nose, watching and listening to the two-legs that live with me.

They think that because I don't speak their language, I don't understand. I think that because I don't speak their language, I understand more than they do.

Fools.

I see their body language. I hear the subtle undertones in the words they speak to one another. I hear what they are really saying. They don't see that, or pretend they don't. In truth, I think their shared spoken language causes them to misunderstand each other more often than not.

Fools.

They think my love is simple. I think they make their love more complicated than it needs to be. Love simply is.

Fools.

Trying not to hermit ...

Still no contact from S ...  59 hours with no contact, not that I'm counting or anything.  Since he came home from the sand, we haven't spent one day without touching base at least twice.  I feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something; this can't be real.


I e-mailed a few close friends, told them the bare bones, and said I didn't want to talk about it. I would likely cry, although there is the possibility of saying something rude that I don't really mean as well.


I alternate between putting a bitter and sarcastic, or absolutely sad and pathetic, quote on Facebook, then deleting it again within 5 minutes. I have moments when I want to delete my account completely and never talk to anyone again.  I have been working from home instead of the office, partly because I don't want to talk to anyone, and partly because I am still randomly bursting into tears over unknown triggers. At one point I realized I hadn't even bothered opening the blinds ...


I am trying to understand what happened, and I still can't.  One friend has referred to it as a temper tantrum, and that has elements of the truth.  Another friend (also a PTSD wife) has reassured me that this is common in folks with PTSD, the gut reaction of anger over being told something that they knew deep down was true, but didn't want to face.  They assure me he will come around ... but they don't know him.  I am not so sure.


If he is keeping his regular schedule, his appointment with mental health would have been yesterday.  I was hoping that I might hear from him last night ... but nothing.  


I find myself checking my e-mail less often, because I don't want to be disappointed.  When I do see that I have new messages, and they are not from him, I feel crushed all over again.


How did I let myself get so tied up in him that I am so lost without him? I thought I'd promised myself not to do that again ...


The only thing that is letting me keep it together right now is that I don't regret naming the elephant, I don't regret naming the truth that we both knew.  I truly, truly regret the way it turned out, though.

Flying solo ...

S formally severed all ties with me last night.


He feels my naming the truth was a betrayal of him; he was happy ignoring what we both knew to be true, and resents the fact I forced him to deal with it.


I am very disappointed in how he has reacted, hurt by a number of the things he said and accused me of ( what I 'really' meant by some of my replies when I tried to explain) and the first bubbles of anger are starting.


I don't know how much of it will show up here.  Right now, more than anything, I feel totally defeated.


Red was here for the weekend and got to witness part of it.  She messaged me this morning and said "Don't worry, things will get better", and the only reply I could think of was "Don't tempt fate".


So my goal today, is to get through it without messing anything else up.


aside to Karen @ Muttering ~ based on recent drama, this may or may not be a good week for me to play with the Trifecta Writing Challenge, given this week's topic ...

I screwed up ...

Something happened with S that caused me to spill my guts and push for clarification on our relationship, to push him way past where he is comfortable ... and as a result the relationship is irrevocably changed, and may not even be able to continue as a friendship.


I may have lost my best friend.


I feel horrible.

A ship in harbour ...

A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

John A Shedd, 1928

As I mentioned before Sebastian has a few unresolved issues from his last tour, and we hope one of them will be resolved in the next month or so.  He was talking to his CO about it the other day, and if the outcome is the one we are hoping for, S asked to be re-deployed to the sand, to finish some business he considers unfinished.

If it happened, it would be his 5th deployment to the sand.  Which is one thing.  But then he added himself "My CO thinks I'm crazy - he knows my luck has to run out sometime."

I *know* this is his job.  I know this is part of what makes him who he is.  And I know that if it wasn't that particular sandbox, it would be somewhere else.  But damnit, he hasn't even been home for a year yet.  And I know that the changes to Canada's role in Afghanistan, and the PR that is being released through our government, is meant to reassure the general public that our soldiers who are still there are in a lot less danger.

I am not the gerenal public.  I am not that easily soothed.

I also *know* he talked like this before he went last time ... and came back unharmed.  I *know* soldiers do this.

But it still sucks.  Big, at the moment.  And I *know* that is part of this life, too. 

Just like I *know* I shouldn't borrow trouble by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.  And if it's going to happen, it will take a while to make it happen.

~sigh~

I *know* so much, you think I'd be able to deal, eh?

I'll be OK.  I just needed to vent.  And snuggle my bear ...

The story so far ...

Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.

You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address.  I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...

Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.


On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address.  He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in.  She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".

I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.

S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info

{I did}

S: {Pause ...}  {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.

He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to.  I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him.  He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.

Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts.  So, I have been a little edgy lately.   The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file.  They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.

Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom.  The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).

I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's.  After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf. 

The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me.  The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)

I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this. 

As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.

Sunday Confessional

I would like to take today to clear up a little misconception that a number of people have about the relationship between Sebastian and I.  Then I am going to muse a little about why I hesitate to correct people when they make this assumption, why I feel slightly embarrassed.

When I go visit Sebastian, I sleep in the guest room.

That's right, we are not having sex.

People who know me well might need smelling salts right now, since I do admit that I have a "healthy appetite", and in previous relationships I have been fairly quick to jump into bed.  I am not saying that's why they failed, but I do think it may have affected my judgement, and definitely taken the "getting to know each other" phase down a different path.  I also have some things from my past that makes sex give a cretain flavour to my overall behaviour in a relationship.

For Sebastian's part, he admits he was "a bit of a tramp" when he was younger, and his marriage was, well ... odd right from the word go.  He didn't exactly go into it with his eyes wide open. He may have been distracted by other things.

We had a lot of time to talk, to get to know each other's personalities, learn how each other think, and share our hopes, dreams, issues, and morals while he was in the sandbox.  Despite the distance and logistical challenges, we actually managed to have many really, really great conversations. 

Since he has been home, we have spent a decent amount of time physically in each other's company, and text regularly through out the day, every day, including when I get up, coffee breaks, lunch, after work, and good night texts.  Heck, the boy even texted me the other day to tell me he was going to be a bit late getting home from work.  (We live 500 km apart.  What, did he expect me to keep supper warm??)

I admit there are times when the sexual tension in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife.  I cetainly occasionally let my mind wander to the "what if" stage.

For us, for both of us, this is the right way to proceed for now.  To be valued as a person, to really get to know a man I am not sleeping with, and have them like me anyway, is quite a new thing for me. To feel so solid in the fact that his love for me is based on who I am, not what he "gets from me" in a physical sense, has taken some getting used to. I think it is, to a degree at least, the same for him.


Sex will be the right thing to do at some point.  S has already said he won't "make the mistake again of marrying someone he hasn't lived with", and for both of us sex is an important part of a relationship.  A part, however, that neither of us is ready for at this point, mentally and emotionally.  Although I honestly think I have less baggage on this point than he does.

I don't think it makes us any less committed to each other.  I don't think it makes our relationship any less real, any less loving, or any less important to either one of us.

But it does, often, embarass me to admit it; because, I think in society's eyes, sex makes a relationship "real", gives it legitimacy.  I feel like I will be judged, that we will be judged, based on our choice.  I know I shouldn't care about that, but sometimes is is just easier to let people jump to their conculsions, and not correct them.

Interestingly, I have shared this little detail with a few other people before now, and two other military wives I shared it with both said that their early relationships with thier husbands followed the same path.  I don't know if this is another commonality to folks that wear the uniform*, or just a comonality in the people who seem to be ebcoming part of my social circle at this turn in my life.

*trust me, I know there are a lot of "tramps", male and female, in uniform as well

I have no doubts about what we have, and I know I shouldn't let the fear of other's judgements make me uncomfortable about the choice we have made. For the record, S is not embarassed at all, and will be quite blunt if asked.      Maybe this is my "practice run" at becoming more comfortable with being proud of our choice, as opposed to embarrassed. 


And please, those of you who throw the occasional innuendo into your comments, don't stop - they make me laugh, they don't make me uncomfortable.  I just wanted to be completely honest today on this topic.

But ... you're not him

I was at S's place this weekend, and Monday morning I was stretched out on the sofa watching him get dressed for work.

      ~ sigh ~

            Sorry, where was I?

      Oh ya.

So I am watching him get dressed, and he said to me "this must bring back some memories for you, watching a soldier get dressed for work in the morning.  The last soldier you watched get dressed in the morning was the Wolf"

(Honestly, the only memories I was having was the day when he was still in the sand and was getting dressed for his day while we were on web cam, him seemingly oblivious to the fact I was watching ... and I needed a cold shower after ...  shiver)

I responded to him in confusion, and said no, I wasn't having any "flashbacks", because "you're not him".  And I thanked him for thinking of it and being concerned. 

He stared at me for a minute, then laughed a little, and told me I was strange ...

Unfortunately, he had to go to work, and I had to head for home, so we didn't get to pursue the conversation.  I still think in his head he thinks I am comparing him to the Wolf, because they are both male and both soldiers I guess.  I don't know what, if anything, I can do to get him to understand that I know he is a different person, and I am not expecting him to do things the Wolf did.

Is it really that unusuall to be able to look past a person's clothing or physical appearance and see them as an individual? 

We have had variations on this conversation before - when he asked why I would ever want to get involved with another soldier, and I said I didn't see him or the Wolf as soldiers, they were people, and two different people.

I threw it back to him once, lovingly, reminding him that I was not his ex wife, and he shouldn't be afraid that I would react to something the same way she would have ... he didn't say anything to that, just wrapped me in his arms.

Hopefully, time will put this one to rest.

~~~~~~~~~

As a complete aside, I understand why men say they like watching their woman get dressed.  There is something very intimate about watching someone go about their routine of getting ready for their day.  Another happy memory for the memory bank.

Most Recent Visit

My visit up to see S last week went very well.  Things are very comfortable, and we fit into each other's lives nicely.  It was a very good visit.

He is still having a bit of a hard time getting used to being back in Canada, and misses A'stan.  It is getting better, but it is definitely still there.  Things like the grocery store still bother him.  But he has chilled out about the fact that a sniper could see into his kitchen.  S'all good.

It did occur to him to make sure I understood that wanting to be back there does not necissarily mean he doesn't want to be here, or that he wants to go away from me.  I do understand that, and told him he didn't have to worry about hurting my feelings.  There are some things going on here, politics and posturing within the Regiment, that make life over there simple by comparison.  It is the life he knew for so many months, it was, in some ways, much simpler.  I get it.

I think that is one of the things that makes this relationship work well.  He knows I won't judge him, and that I try not to read meanings into things he says.  If I want clarification on something, if I think he means something more that what he has actually said, I will (usually) ask him.

Leaving to come home was hard, for me.  I did, as always, manage to keep the tears in check until I had pulled away.  He seemed confused by my sadness - I mean, he is staying "home" for a while, not going anywhere scary.  He looked at me with confusion and said "But, you'll be back soon!", looking for an explanation of why I was holding on so tight.  I couldn't, and still can't, put it into words, at least not words that he will understand.  He is amazing at keeping the connection, staying in touch, including me in his life when we are separated by geography.  But I still miss him when we are apart.

Sometimes, reality bites.

compliment

While writing my review of watching Restrepo (to follow) an incident got recalled to my mind from my last visit up to Sebastian.  An incident I had forgotten, but which I take as a compliment, a nice feel good moment.

Some decisions were made by the Powers That Be towards the end of the tour that took Sebastian away from his section.  He is very protective of his section, and it was vey hard on him to be away from them, away from the daily danger they were facing.

During the time he was separated from them, his 2IC, a close friend we will call Tx, went trough 2 very nasty episodes, separated by a mere few days. 

Tx got back to Canada a few days after Sebastian, and while I was up visiting he called and invited us over to his house for a few beverages.  S warned me in advance that Tx had been through some rough stuff and wasn't handling it well, that he had been in some trouble during third location decompression, and that he was having anger issues and flashback issues.  Tx's issues are, like so often happens, mostly survivor guilt issues.  S knows my past with the wolf, and I think he was warning me as much so it wouldn't trigger a flashback of my own.

Tx's finaceé, and a few other friends were there ase well when we arrived.  Tx tried to talk to S a couple of times about things from over there, but his finaceé asked him not to talk about it in front of her.  She is military as well, and dealing with her own issues.

After a few drinks, there was only S, Tx and I in the living room.  Tx started to open up and talk about an incident from over there, and then stopped cold and looked at me.  S jumped in and said "S'all good, man, she's cool.  She won't judge you.  She doesn't do that."

That may seem like a little thing, but to the people there - Tx, Sebastian, and myself - it meant the world.  Tx relaxed like the air had been let out of him.  S swelled a little with pride, and I felt a surge of love.

Tx continued on to share some things, and to feel comfortable around me, and talk to me, even when S got up and drifted away, Tx kept connecting with me.  I am glad I gave him another person to feel comfortable with, and S has mentioned a couple of times how much it means to him that I am good with "his boys", and specifically that Tx connected with me.

I may have just became the step-mom to an entire section.

Making room

This might be one of those posts that gets a little "out there" for some of you.  Head's up.

I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.

I started thinking about it in the "real" sense.  I have a queen size bed.  I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean.  And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.

With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.)  I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice.  I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.

While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?

Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.

While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.).  You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there.  So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.

And then they (you) come back.  And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things.  You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you.  The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.

Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree.  But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.

So I am conciously purging right now.  Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new".  Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively.  Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit. 

Test, & Update

I am posting this update from my ( relatively ) new 4th generation iPod Touch, so please forgive me if the formatting looks a bit odd. This is mainly a test to see if it works or not.

I am a little less sucky tonight, we did a video call for about 1/2 an hour, before I had to ho to a meeting, and it has helped me feel better. Tonight, technology is my friend again.

Different isn't bad

I used to have a lovely poem about differences or diversity, and how just because my life, my choices, might be different that yours, that does not make them "bad".

With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.

Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:

"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"

To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.

I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.

Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.

When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.

My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.

Healing through movies

While I was up visiting Sebastian, we watched a few movies, but two in particular led to some deep conversations, and some healing.  The two movies were Restrepo, and Salt.


One may seem obvious, the other not so much maybe.

I was a little hesitant to watch Restrepo, not to watch it myself so much as to have him watch it, so soon after coming home.  I was over-ruled, however, as within an hour of me getting there he asked if I remembered to bring it.  I had, of course, so we watched it our first night together. 

All in all it was a good experience.  A number of the scenes got him talking about stuff, about the realities.  Parts of it made him laugh, parts got him telling stories.  The only scene he couldn't watch was the extra entitled "Sleeping Soldiers" - he hovered over that with the remote, and said in a soft voice "It is so hard to watch a soldier sleep, they look so innocent ... "

We talked some more after the movie was over, and I truly appreciate having it as a catalyst for the conversations we had.

A couple of night later, we watched Salt, with Angelina Jolie.  Sections of the movie are spoken in Russian, sub-titled in English.  I was getting a bid sad throughout the movie, and then there is a scene where 2 Russians are talking and they say

F'sio?      (translated in the movie as: That's it?)
F'sio.     (I am not spelling it right, but this is what is sounds like)

I burst into tears.  I recalled two wonderful little boys using that phrase, a lot.
(see this post for details).  S and I have talked about this incident before.  He, wisely, knew there was nothing to be said, that it wasn't something that needed to be "fixed", and let me cry.  He is a very, very wise man.  And in the end, the comfort of another human was all I needed.

Reintegration, step 1

I am back, after spending some time with Sebastian in his world.  The first visit went relatively well.  He is still a bit "there"; "Halfghanistan" to borrow a phrase from a dear friend.  But all in all, I think things went well. 

There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done.  He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.)  There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet.  It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at.  And I am, honestly, OK with it.  We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication.  It was a great visit.


We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed.  We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them.  He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen.  We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here."  (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).

We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading).  We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times.  He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)

The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club.  Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly.  He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK.  (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).

I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day).  He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies).  I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.

Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends.  Namaste.

I prefer "diverse" ...

Got a parcel via UPS from Amazon today.  I don't know where it had been, but the Moose really, really wanted to help open it.  Maybe the driver had it sitting beside a bag of dog treats. 

The contents of my today's parcel:

Yep ... one of these things is not like the other.

(So what order should homecoming be ... my new moves, then Restrepo?  LOL)

I have read a lot of positive buzz on Restrepo (click for link to site), and asked Sebastian if had had a chance to see it.  He hadn't even heard of it, which suprised me, but he looked into it and responded that he had been in country and in the area for the events depicted in the film, and yes he would like to see it.  So I went ahead and purchased a copy.  Now I am wondering if I should watch it myself first, to desensitize myself, or if i should wait and watch it with him.  I will likely wait.

I did watch the clip of the interview with Staff Sgt Sal Giunta, the first living American Medal of Honour recipient since the Vietnam War.  The scene in the interview that resonated the most with me was when they asked him "what went through your head when you heard you were going to be up for a Medal of Honour?" and Staff Sgt Giunta's response is "Fuck You".  He goes on to explain it, but that response is what truly makes him worthy of the Medal.  Those of you who know soldiers who live what they are will understand ... and I can't explain it to the rest.

The Sal Giunta Story from SebastianJunger/TimHetherington on Vimeo.

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Comms have been very frustrating lately.  MSN and Skype will both show me as on line to him, but will not show me that he is on line, and either won't deliver his mesages to me, or won't deliver my replies to him.  This morning I was getting messages and answering them, but he obviously wasn't getting my answers, and he eventually decided I really wasn't here and gave up.  I felt just awful.  I did follow up with an e-mail, but haven't had a reply yet.

Soon, soon we will have more communication options available to us, and he will (hopefully!) have a more reliable internet connection.  Soon.

As I observed elsewhere though, the closer "soon" gets, the more it seems to be dragging its feet!  Time seems to have slowed down.  The days are just dragging lately, although thankfully I am very busy with work, so that keeps me distracted during the days.

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I also got this parcel via UPS this morning - a replacement power supply for my external hard drive.  Really, was this the most efficient use of packaging??

more "Emotional" thoughts

So as predicted, Sebastian, being the type of dude that he is, got my "you know I am here for you and I support you" e-mail and responded with an "OK ... yes, thank you, I am secure in that ... what's happened to trigger this?" type e-mail.  He said he was secure in my support of him, and asked if there was maybe someone else I felt the need to send that message to, someone who I felt doubted my support. (yep, he knows I am at my parents house this weekend)

I gave him the briefest gloss of background on the other situation, told him my response there, and then my longer brain-puke here, and the comments I got (both the initial one from anonymous and the following messages of support).  I indicated that I was compensating for someone else, feeling bad for a soldier whose name I didn't even know... and in reality, was likely trying to send a message to that soldier, and using Sebastian as a surrogate.

He responded that however noble it was, I shouldn't feel personally responsible for the happiness and mental security of every deployed military member (Whhaaaaat??  I can't save the world single handedly?  Come on!)

He reassured me that he knew how dedicated I was, not just to him, but the the forces at large, past and present, and that my marital status did not reflect my degree of dedication or involvement, nor did any label on my relationship with him.  He knew that my history with the Wolf, and the degree of background and knowledge on things CF related, did indeed give me a certain perspective ... although really, everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions.

And that "touchy MilWives going through thier own shit and lashing out at me" would do so regardless of my martial status.  He has very direct first hand knowledge of whether a ring or a wedding certificate are indications of levels of support.

He knows my reality.  He knows my background.  He knows what I do, my volunteer work, etc.  And he supports me as much as I support him.

So Anonymous, if you are still reading, I thank you for asking me to examine my thoughts and feelings, and for giving me the opportunity to have an open, honest, frank discussion with Sebastian about some things.  All in all, I have to say it has ended up as a positive experience.

To everyone who supported me here and elsewhere, thank you for your support.

And for those of you who are not privy to the other board, I am also very please to relay that the woman who was in distress has had some time to process her feelings, and is working through things WITH her husband.  Which in my book, is a very good thing, and I wish them all the best.  Truly.

days ... not weeks, DAYS!!!!!!

Chatting with Sebastian this morning, he mentioned how many days it is until he leaves the sandbox.  It is still double digits, but low enough that he is actually counting it in days now too.  Days.  Not weeks, days.


I'm a little excited, can ya tell?


Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours.  A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today.  The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status.  Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.

Days.