A ship in harbour ...

A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

John A Shedd, 1928

As I mentioned before Sebastian has a few unresolved issues from his last tour, and we hope one of them will be resolved in the next month or so.  He was talking to his CO about it the other day, and if the outcome is the one we are hoping for, S asked to be re-deployed to the sand, to finish some business he considers unfinished.

If it happened, it would be his 5th deployment to the sand.  Which is one thing.  But then he added himself "My CO thinks I'm crazy - he knows my luck has to run out sometime."

I *know* this is his job.  I know this is part of what makes him who he is.  And I know that if it wasn't that particular sandbox, it would be somewhere else.  But damnit, he hasn't even been home for a year yet.  And I know that the changes to Canada's role in Afghanistan, and the PR that is being released through our government, is meant to reassure the general public that our soldiers who are still there are in a lot less danger.

I am not the gerenal public.  I am not that easily soothed.

I also *know* he talked like this before he went last time ... and came back unharmed.  I *know* soldiers do this.

But it still sucks.  Big, at the moment.  And I *know* that is part of this life, too. 

Just like I *know* I shouldn't borrow trouble by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.  And if it's going to happen, it will take a while to make it happen.

~sigh~

I *know* so much, you think I'd be able to deal, eh?

I'll be OK.  I just needed to vent.  And snuggle my bear ...

The story so far ...

Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.

You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address.  I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...

Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.


On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address.  He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in.  She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".

I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.

S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info

{I did}

S: {Pause ...}  {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.

He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to.  I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him.  He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.

Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts.  So, I have been a little edgy lately.   The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file.  They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.

Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom.  The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).

I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's.  After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf. 

The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me.  The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)

I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this. 

As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.

Men in Uniform ...

Two volunteer fire fighters lost their lives in battle today in a community near where I grew up.

I am the daughter of a man that started as a prison guard and became a police officer; he also served as a volunteer fire fighter.  I am the ex of an Airman, the current of a Combat Soldier, and the friend to many in all uniforms.

My heart goes out to the families of these fallen, but also to all the wives and other loved ones who are comforted, yet still feeling guilty that they get to hold their fire fighter in their arms tonight, safe and sound. My heart goes out to those same people, who will wait with the heart a little higher in their throats the next few times the call goes out, until their loved one comes once more safe through the door.

Blessed be

First Deployment Blues ...

A dear friend just got word that her son, a relatively new recruit, may be deploying.  His unit has just finnished a "winter warfare" exercise - which she has referred to as "winter camping" and the pictures he has sent her of "combat" have her a bit freaked out.

I do not know any details of when/where/what yet, but it really doesn't matter.  There have been a couple of articles lately on SpouseBUZZ ~ Do Some Deployments Count More Than Others? and Early Lessons in the Snowflake Phenomenon (which references THIS awesome post) which talk about how each deployment is different, with its own challenges and emotions.

I have been reflecting a bit on various deployments of loved ones I have expereinced.  Obviously there are differences between the Wolf and Sebastian, differences between peacekeeping in Cyprus, mid 90's tours in the Balkans, protecting the apple harvest in Macedonia, or recent business trips to Afghanistan.  The list goes on.  Differences in who I was during these deployments, where I was in my relationship with the one deployed, and in my relationship with myself.

Snowflakes.

So after some thought and reflection, I offered to my friend the only words I could.  I'm here.  With a hug, a shoulder, whatever may be needed.  It does not really matter where her son is going, what he will be doing.  Her feelings are real, and her own, and I will be there for her no matter what.

Because no matter what else this life throws at us, we have each other.  We have to.