First Deployment Blues ...

A dear friend just got word that her son, a relatively new recruit, may be deploying.  His unit has just finnished a "winter warfare" exercise - which she has referred to as "winter camping" and the pictures he has sent her of "combat" have her a bit freaked out.

I do not know any details of when/where/what yet, but it really doesn't matter.  There have been a couple of articles lately on SpouseBUZZ ~ Do Some Deployments Count More Than Others? and Early Lessons in the Snowflake Phenomenon (which references THIS awesome post) which talk about how each deployment is different, with its own challenges and emotions.

I have been reflecting a bit on various deployments of loved ones I have expereinced.  Obviously there are differences between the Wolf and Sebastian, differences between peacekeeping in Cyprus, mid 90's tours in the Balkans, protecting the apple harvest in Macedonia, or recent business trips to Afghanistan.  The list goes on.  Differences in who I was during these deployments, where I was in my relationship with the one deployed, and in my relationship with myself.

Snowflakes.

So after some thought and reflection, I offered to my friend the only words I could.  I'm here.  With a hug, a shoulder, whatever may be needed.  It does not really matter where her son is going, what he will be doing.  Her feelings are real, and her own, and I will be there for her no matter what.

Because no matter what else this life throws at us, we have each other.  We have to.

Fall Leaves

One of the things I have been doing for Sebastian since he has been gone is to pick leaves off maple trees and press them, and send them to him.  (Shhhh, don't tell CFIA - this is likely, technically, illegal!)  When they are away in a place that doesn't give them the rhythm of the changing seasons, it is another nice little connection to home.

I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card.  I continued as the leaves matured and grew.  Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.

I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow. 

And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack.  What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees??  I can't press snowflakes!  I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).

What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?

Memorial Day

Thank you to all our American Friends as they honour their veterans and fallen, and their families, on Memorial Day.

Tap & Drink.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

~~ sorry I'm late today, folks ~~

CANADAS KICKBOXING LEGEND JEAN-YVES THÉRIAULT WINS CANEX HARLEY® FOR HEROES RAFFLE

Click on the text above to link to the article.  If I couldn't be the winner of the custom Harley Road King raffled off to raise money for the Military Families Fund, I can't think of a nicer guy to win it.

Perspective ...

I had a witty post written in my head about getting even with someone who really pissed me off yesterday ... and then I went and read this post of Rachel's over at A Little Pink in a World of Camo.

Rachel is a new mom to a beautiful 2 month old baby girl.  She is a marine wife.  And on Sunday, her husband, an American Marine, was killed in operations in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Make my troubles seem kind of petty.

My heart goes out, with my thoughts and prayers, to Rachel, her baby girl, and her late husband.

No Shame

prompted, in part, by this post over at SpouseBUZZ.

There is no shame in admitting you can't handle something. There is only shame in continuing to pretend you can.

Years ago I lived with a guy that my friends now refer to as Eeyore. While I was living with Eeyore, a medical condition I have flared up, aggravated by some intense stress at work. It was an effort for me to drag myself through my day at work; by the time I got home I had very little energy left.

Now my relationship with Eeyore was challenged to begin with. He was not fond of household chores, like dishes, laundry, vaacuuming, shoveling, cutting the lawn ... pretty much anything. So most of this fell to me. (He did cook, and was a very good cook.) Once I got sick, a lot of this started to fall behind, and he really wasn't interested in pitching in to help out. I even went as far as buying a dishwasher, and it was still a struggle to get him to help out.

Once I started to recover, I had a talk with Eeyore. I asked him if, next time I got sick, I could count on him being there. He thought, and after a while looked up, looked me in the eyes, and said "No". It broke his heart to have to say it, to admit it to himself, but he was honest.

Some of my friends were very angry at him for his decision, but I defended him. I think it took more strength of charachter for him to be honest and admit his weakness than it would have for him to try to live up to the expectations of others. And had I thought I could count on him, only to find out the hard way I couldn't, would have been bad.

I think the same thing applies to the military lifestyle, and the military family lifestyle. Is it hard. It does suck sometimes. There are many, many challenges.

The same goes for anyone in a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD or any other MI.

It is not for every body. And there is no shame in admitting that it in not something you can, or want to, handle for the rest of your life.

And it is not something anyone else has the right to judge you for deciding.

I have more respect for a woman who admits she can't handle it than for someone who says she can so people "look up" to her, then uses extra-marital affairs, drugs, or other coping methods, or cries every night until she falls apart, because she is afraid of the judgement of others. Or someone who places herself or her children in danger because society expects her to "stand by her man".

Not everyone thrives in every situation. We are unique individuals, and we should respect that in each other.

Things not to say, part ... ???

Kanani Fong, who recently was re-united with her hubs after he returned form a deployment in the sandbox as a surgeon, has written a post about one of the things returning veterans, and task force home front, have to face before, during, and after deployments.  Rude, and/or well meaning but ill informed, humans. Stupid questions and comments.


Kanani's post is much better written than mine, and generally this post was just to direct you to her blog.  

Of course, being me :-) I will add a few to her list of things not to say/ask.  Some of them will be repeats of things I have mentioned before.

• "you're not really a veteran.  That's just for WWI, WWII, and Viet Nam"
• "You're not really going to stay loyal to (your SO) while he is gone, are you?"
• "So, are you going to fly to (sandbox) and see him over Christmas?"
• "Wow, aren't you worried that he is going to get killed?"
• "Do you miss him?" (you don't need to ask this *every*time*you*see*me*)
• "How can you love/support someone who kills people for a living?" (Really.  From a clerk in a store.)
  

Oh my ...

I can't even imagine ... I think I would loose it.

Military Wife Prepares to Send Three Sons, Husband to Afghanistan

Roll on, roll on rollercoaster ....

So, it turns out I was allergic to the 2nd anti-depressant they tried with me, it just took it a couple of weeks to build up in my system enough to react.  The first one gave me horrid side-effects, and this one I was allergic to.  I was "borderline" for needing them in the first place, according to my therapist.  The doc wanted to try a third one, but based on the way my body handles drugs I said "no thanks", I'll just keep seeing my therapist (who rocks) and working on things my own way.

As I was leaving the doctor's office, (after deciding to go off anti-depressant meds, keep in mind) my crackberry pinged at me.  I had a Facebook message; all that comes up in the text was that it was from the Wolf's sister in law, and the message body started  "call my mom ASAP - this is (the Wolf's nephew) call my mom's cell" and then the teaser stopped.  Heart proceed directly to throat!!!  I quickly downloaded the rest of the message.  Turns out the Wolf's mom had been admitted to the hospital.  Feel relief mixed with concern.  It's not the Wolf.

I called SiL, and it seems that the Wolf's dad came home for lunch yesterday and found his mom unconscious on the floor.  By the time EMS got there, she was not breathing either.  The EMS got her on a ventilator, and rushed her to the local hospital, where she was further stabilized for transport to a larger medical center.  She is still (24 hours later) unconscious and not breathing on her own; they have ruled out heart attack, stroke, and there is no bleeding in her brain.  They don't have any answers for us at this point.

They called me in part to let me know, but also so I could get a hold of the Wolf.  He has been in the forces for almost 20 years  and they didn't know the procedure to reach him when he is deployed, had no clue how to even start.  It is not just they were to distraught, to busy dealing with doctors and such. They didn't know how.  I don't know about you, but if it was my son or my brother, I would make sure I knew how to reach him in an emergency.

Of course, I handled it.  Called the local Padre, who I know fairly well, and activated the "purple net" as he calls it.  Less that 5 hours later the Wolf was on the phone with his brother getting the update.

So now I sit and wait.  Which, unfortunately, gives me time to think.  I know it was the family's wishes that I get a hold of the Wolf, but was it the right thing, when they don't know anything yet, and he really can't do anything over there except sit and stew about it?  Not that I can do anything from here either, not being a miracle worker or a doctor.  Maybe I should have dragged my feet a bit?  Too late now, I guess.

If she passes, I don't know if he will come home.  Honestly I don't blame him a bit if he doesn't.  She was not exactly a positive influence in his life, not a real "motherly" type at all.  If he comes, it will be for his dad and his brother's sake, not for his own.  My money is on him not coming.  When SiL asked about if "they" would let him come home, I explained that it would depend on what was happening for missions at the time, if they could spare him, it too may others were home on leave, etc.  They try to be compassionate, but the needs of the mission come before the needs of the individual.  Which is all very true, but basically, I laid the ground work for him to say he "can't" come home, if that is what he chooses.

If nothing else, this might be a decent test of whether going off the meds was the right decision!  Gotta find a bright side to things ...

Word Choices

The Wolf is not "gone", and he did not "leave me" - he is deployed.

When we are talking to each other, the loved ones of deployed military members sometimes talk about them being on "business trips" (which they are) or "cruises", for naval members.  We will say that our loved ones are "off playing in the sand" or "the sandbox".

A psychologist would likely classify this as a mild form of denial.  It is, however, one little thing that helps us cope with the realities we face.

So, when you are talking to me and I chose to say the Wolf is "traveling for work"  or "away on business", don't get in my face about the harsh realities of the situation.  I am quite aware of where he is, and the realities surrounding it, thank you very much; likely a lot more than you are.

Jenny the Military Spouse

from Jenny the Military Spouse - seriously, anyone involved in the military lifestyle, go check out this site.

Red Fridays - think of the Famlies

The Invisible Ribbon Campaign

Supporting Military Families

Loose Lips Sink Ships

This post has been mulling around in my head for quite some time. But recently there was a ... statement made on the MilSpouse forum I belong to which has prompted me to write.
I want to start off by saying that the feelings I am expressing, like always, are entirely my own, and what it right for me, and are not intended to be a criticism or condemnation of anyone else, or choices they may have made.

If you are a regular here, you will notice that the countdown clock is gone, and the time clocks have had their labels modified.

I sometimes think that being around the Wolf, and part of this lifestyle, has made me completely paranoid. I am so used to referring to him in "code" - DF - or by his initial, or as "the Wolf" in any on-line forum, and not posting anything at all to his FaceBook page, that sometimes I can't have "normal" conversations with people, even people that have know us both since high school.

I will never put pictures of myself on this blog, or pictures of him, or any children in our lives. I will never use his real name, or my own. It is just not something I am comfortable with. It is not that I am "uptight", and concerned with DND regulations on the subject. I am, however, very aware of how easy it is to mine information if you are determined, and I would never want to be the one who was part of the chain that led to information that put anything or anyone in danger.

I have a really good slide deck somewhere that illustrates how easy it is to take small pieces of information from unrealated sites, and piece them together into something that is useable - If I can find it, I will come back and post it.

The issue on the on-line forum I go to had to do with someone posting their loved one's actual departure date from the country. I completely understand the urge to do it; you don't think you are hurting anything; you know you are talking to people who understand, and you need to share your pain, you emotions. I have done it myself; likely on the forum, and I had the coutdown clock here.

I also know, from watching the forum list of who is on-line, that there is someone who's screen name is "Mr Bitter" who never posts, just "lurks" and reads. Now I assume Mr Bitter is, honestly, just someone who is, well, bitter. But what if Mr Bitter is Bitter enough that s/he would actually take info, figure out something from it, and do "something bad"?
Better safe than sorry. So I will remain the Crow, or Basinah to you all, my wonderful friends. My heart will continue to jump a little when I see pictures of your children on your blogs. Even you, my wonderful civilian friends.

My father was a police officer; he once said to me that if someone is determined to do something bad they will find a way.

But it doesn't mean I have to be part of making it easy for them.