Photo Blog

Mainly in an attempt to torture my friend Bear with all the cool places I get to work, but also to force myself to work on my photography, I have started a seperate blog where I plan to post a photo a day.

For those of you who are interestred, it can be found here:

http://testybas.blogspot.com/ 

(I originally created it a while ago as a "test", as you might surmise from the name, but have now decided to use it)

I welcome your comments and feedback :o)

Red Friday ~ Just Wait

A slightly darker post that last week, but just as real.

I was there, once, but with the help of good people made it back into the light.   If you can identify too closely with the feelings expressed here, please, reach out for the help that is there, through the military or other community resources.

For Canadian military members and the people who love them, I highly recommend the services available through MAP, the Member Assistance Program,  which can be accessed through  1-800-268-7708.

Meetings ...

I attend many, many meeting as part of my job.  While I do have many meetings with my professional peers, I also have many meetings with community groups and interest groups who aren't exactly professionals.  People who are very red where their head meets their shoulders, if you follow.  These meetings, if they are in the afternoon or evening, often involve beer.


I am getting burnt out, and my temper is getting short.  I am tired of meetings, and especially tired of meetings that should only last an hour becoming 3 hours because the old boys have to tell stories between every actual discussion point.


I was at a meeting a few weeks ago with one of these groups, in the basement bar of their club house.  I was exhausted; I had been out in the field all week in very hot temperatures, I would have rather been home vegging out on the sofa. It was around 8:30 in the evening ... and they had the country classics station on Galaxy...


Now I have nothing against Merle Haggard when I am in the mood ... like if I am trying to chill out, or fall asleep.  When I am fighting hard to stay awake, however, I consider it cruel and unusual.


I texted S with my complaint and he replied to consider it as training in withstanding torture techniques, excellent preparation for my future career as a spy (S alternates between suggesting I go work for CSIS, and suggesting courses and training I might consider for when he leaves the military and starts his own "contracting" firm).


It made me smile, and helped me make it through the rest of the meeting.  I have called that to mind in a few meetings since, and not only has it brought a smile to my face, last night I believed it may actually have saved a few lives, as I practiced maintaining a calm, cool exterior while the people around me argued over inconsequential details, again, while I could have been spending quality time with my sofa ...


Perspective, my friends, is a wonderful thing.

Red Friday

Canada once again has an Air Force, an Army, and a Navy.  For the first time in my life.

Some of you may be saying "Wha???"

In 1968, before I was born, the Canadian Government passed an act of parliament unifying the Canadian Forces into one entity with an "Air Command", a "Maritime Command", and a "Land Force Command".

The new changes also restore the "Royal" designation to the Air Force and Navy ~ Royal Canadian Air Force and Royal Canadian Navy ~ a nod to the heritage of our forces fighting along side England as a distinct force.  The announcement was made on August 16th, exactly 100 years after King George V first signed the letter designating the Canadian Navy as "Royal".  The Air Force received their Royal designation on April 1st, 1924.

Veterans and active soldiers alike are applauding the move as an acknowledgement of our heritage.

For the RCAF Click Here: http://www.airforce.forces.gc.ca/v2/nr-sp/index-eng.asp?id=12014 
For the RCN Clich Here: http://www.navy.forces.gc.ca/cms/0/0_eng.asp

Milestone

This isn't going to seem like much to most of you, but it is huge to me, so I am documenting it here.

I am leaving tomorrow to spend the weekend with S, and I didn't have a meltdown leading up to it.

You see, I have a bit of baggage.  OK, I have a lost of baggage, but I have a specific piece tied to visits.

If you remember (or for those of you who weren't around then), back in 2009 I was supposed to fly out on a Friday to go see the Wolf off to A'stan ... and he called me on Monday night of that same week and told me not to come; that our relationship was over; that he didnt love me; and in fact he never had, it had been the booze talking.

So to date, every single time I have been heading off to see Sebastian, 3 or 4 days before hand I convince myself he is going to call and tell me he doesn't want me to come, that he doesn't enjoy my company, that he never did he just felt sorry for me, and would I please leave him alone now.

Today I was running a few errands after work and it occurred to me ~ I didn't have my meltdown this time.  I am *trying* not to psycho-analyze meself too much over this, but, I can't help wondering: is it because I have grown more confident in my own worth, more comfortable with our relationship as it is, more trusting of him ... or am I getting burnt out and numb again and not caring?  Is the "black dog" hovering in the wings? Am I heading for a crash?

Time will tell.  I really hope this means I have turned a corner in the way I see myself, and the world, and that I truly am starting to put the past behind me.

Thanks for listening. ♥

A ship in harbour ...

A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

John A Shedd, 1928

As I mentioned before Sebastian has a few unresolved issues from his last tour, and we hope one of them will be resolved in the next month or so.  He was talking to his CO about it the other day, and if the outcome is the one we are hoping for, S asked to be re-deployed to the sand, to finish some business he considers unfinished.

If it happened, it would be his 5th deployment to the sand.  Which is one thing.  But then he added himself "My CO thinks I'm crazy - he knows my luck has to run out sometime."

I *know* this is his job.  I know this is part of what makes him who he is.  And I know that if it wasn't that particular sandbox, it would be somewhere else.  But damnit, he hasn't even been home for a year yet.  And I know that the changes to Canada's role in Afghanistan, and the PR that is being released through our government, is meant to reassure the general public that our soldiers who are still there are in a lot less danger.

I am not the gerenal public.  I am not that easily soothed.

I also *know* he talked like this before he went last time ... and came back unharmed.  I *know* soldiers do this.

But it still sucks.  Big, at the moment.  And I *know* that is part of this life, too. 

Just like I *know* I shouldn't borrow trouble by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.  And if it's going to happen, it will take a while to make it happen.

~sigh~

I *know* so much, you think I'd be able to deal, eh?

I'll be OK.  I just needed to vent.  And snuggle my bear ...

Red Friday

Y'all know I have a special place in my heart for 'hookers.  My heart was heavy this week for the families and loved ones of the soldiers killed in the take down of the CH-47 this past weekend.  A full list of the American fallen can be found here:
http://www.thunderrun.us/2011/08/who-they-were-soldiers-sailors-and.html

Stop, take a moment, look at the names, think about the lives they represent, and acknowledge the sacrifice they and their loved ones have made.

They are all ours, regardless of what flag they wear on their shoulder.

National Peacekeeper's Day

With the media focus on the efforts of troops in Afghanistan, it is sometimes easy to forget about the many veterans of, and troops currently serving, in the rest of the world, wherever we are needed.


I personally know veterans of the Balkan Conflict (including the Wolf) and Rwanda who still suffer to this day for things they expereinced there.  While Korean War Vets refer to themselves as Veterans of the Forgotten War, I think there are many other conflicts in our history that Canada & Canadians have "fogotten".


Canada is very proud of her peacekeeping work; the folks who are against the war in Afghanistan pull that card out quickly, that we are a nation of peacekeepers, not war makers.  I wonder how many of them have taken the time to sit with a veteran of a peacekeeping mission, and really listen to their thoughts, experiences, and stories?  Find out what the reality of peacekeeping is ~ you often can't keep it until you've created it.  In fact, the United Nations definition of peacekeeping says just that: Peacekeeping is an activity that aims to create the conditions for lasting peace


Read (or, now, watch) Shake Hands With the Devil, Romeo Dallaire's account of his time in Rwanda.  Or read Carol Off's gripping account of one of the most scarring tradegies in the Croatian conflict, in The Ghosts Of Medak Pocket.

"Canadian peacekeepers in Medak Pocket, Croatia, found no peace to keep in September 1993. They engaged the forces of ethnic cleansing in a deadly firefight and drove them from the area under United Nations protection. The soldiers should have returned home as heroes. Instead, they arrived under a cloud of suspicion and silence.

In Medak Pocket, members of the Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry did exactly the job they were trained - and ordered - to do. When attacked by the Croat army they returned fire and fought back valiantly to protect Serbian civilians and to save the UN mandate in Croatia. Then they confronted the horrors of the offensive's aftermath - the annihilation by the Croat army of Serbian villages. The Canadians searched for survivors. There were none.

The soldiers came home haunted by these atrocities, but in the wake of the Somalia affair, Canada had no time for soldiers' stories of the horrific compromises of battle - the peacekeepers were silenced. In time, the dark secrets of Medak's horrors drove many of these soldiers to despair, to homelessness and even suicide."

 "Those who say that we're in a time with no heroes, they just don't know where to look"

Ronald Reagan, January 20, 1981 

An (very incomplete) list of the places Canadian Forces are currently active can be found here: http://www.forces.gc.ca/site/operations/index-eng.asp

Reconciliation: The Peacekeeping Monument is a monument in Ottawa, the capital of Canada, commemorating Canada's role in international peacekeeping and the soldiers who have participated and are currently participating, both living and dead.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peacekeeping_Monument 


More information on National Peacekeepers' Day can be found here:
http://www.veterans.gc.ca/eng/sub.cfm?source=feature%2Fpeacekeeper 

real marriage

I guess this is kind of a continuation of yesterday's post, and kind of not.
I had the privilege to attend an impromptu wedding on Saturday night.  I was working at a fundraiser for Children's Make A Wish Foundation, and two of the guests decided to affirm their love and commitment to each other in front of the assembled guests.

It was actually a beautiful little ceremony, the words of the officiant were from the heart (she was a friend of the couple who knows them well) and well suited to the couple.  They do seem to honestly care for each other; they have a child together, and she has a child from a previous relationship which he treats as his own.

A number of people have asked me today if it was a "real" marriage, caught up in details like the lack of a marriage license, the authority of the officiant (she is ordained ... in the state of California.  We are not in California), and the capacity of the individuals to enter into a contract (at least one of them was drunk by the time of the ceremony).

My response has been "What is a 'real' marriage?  They love each other; they seem committed to each other, and they are raising a family together.  They swore their commitment to each other in front of a crowd of friends and witnesses, with the brides father present, and in the eyes of the God they believe in.  So they didn't have a paper giving it legal sanction in the eyes of the province - does that make a marriage less real?"

Most people look at me like I am crazy after that response.

I know a number of people - my parents, Sebastian and his ex, to name a couple - who have a piece of paper from the government, and another from the Church, saying they are married - but you would never know it the way they treat each other.  If real marriage is based on a couple of pieces of paper, you can keep the darn thing, and I'll take what my friends have, thanks.

Unconditional Love

S was here visiting a couple of weeka ago, and one of our many conversations got me thinking about unconditional love.
He loved his ex wife unconditionally, but not in what I (or he, in hindsight) consider a healthy way.  His unconditionaly love allowed her to treat him poorly, to disrespect him, and he accepted that.  He did things he now feels shame for, made choices that were definitely not in his self interest, and became a shadow, mentally and emotionally, of his true self.

I told him a while ago that I loved him unconditionally, and he seemed uncomfortable with that.  Seen through the lense of his past experience, I can understand why.

I tried to explain to him that from me, unconditional love was in no way an excuse for bad behaviour or abuse, and that it would not lead me (I hope) to stray from the core of who I really am.

One of the things that unconditional love does mean, is that the reality of my love for him is not dependant on his ability to express/admit/deal with his feelings for me.

He has a number of things going on in his life right now; baggage from his marriage, but also baggage from this last tour.  One of these things will hopefully be resovled within the next couple of months;  I am not sure when the other will be resolved.

He is, at this point, unable to deal with "love", in whatever connotation it currently holds for him. 

A number of my friends are trying to convince me it is time to "move on".  I am not sure that is the right choice for me.

I am unsure of exactly what defines a relationship, especially a healthy one involving distance.

We communicate every day, multiple times a day, over the entire course of the day.
We turn to each other to share the happy and the sad things that happen.
We care about, and pay attention to, the things that happen in each other's lives.
We occur to each other, which is one of the things I have often maintained that is critical to a relationship.

So, is this friendship, or is it more than friendship?  One of our friends says we are like an old married couple - the whole, comfortable relationship, without the sex.  Most friends who have seen us together maintain that we are in a relationship, and its time to call a duck a duck.  And the others, like I said, are telling me it tim to move on.

I guess I am the only one who can tell what is right for me, and for me right now, the status quo with S is fine.  If that changes ... I will have to decide then what I do.

Thanks for listening.

Red Friday ~ The Soldiers sing He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (with images/footage)

I am seriously loving these guys. And warning, some of y'all might need a kleenex. I did.

Westboro threatens to demonstrate in Norway at funerals for victims of the recent tradegy there

http://www.actup.org/forum/content/norway-usa-westboro-baptist-church-threatens-demonstrate-funerals-norway-5575/

Seriously ... just how far out there will these people get before a way is found to stop them?

Well. that was entertaining.

I've had a cough for about 6 weeks now, and the docs have been doing what I refer to as throwing darts at a cause - they've just been trying me on random meds.

Here, try some allergy meds (but ... I don't have allergies....)

Here, try some acid reflux meds (but ... its producing phlem ...  seriously??)

Oh, OK, we'll take some chest xrays!

Well, the chest x-rays were negative, you must have asthma!  We'll do a lung function test.

Wow, you've got great lungs (*blush* - Why thank you)

Lets send you to an ear, nose and throat doc!

So this morning, after having a camera shoved UP MY NOSE and halfway down my chest (honestly) I have a script for antibiotics.  Six weeks after I started hacking up a lung, and told them that my phlem was the same colour it is when I get bronchitis. 

The camera showed my vocal chords were irritated.  Guess what - SO's MY BRAIN!

On a good news front, my hearing is good, and I have no signs of cancer.

I feel like I've been snorting chlorine up my nose. 

On a side note, the doc was a bit up tight and stand offish when I first went in, almost made me feel like I was wasting his time being there.  While he was doing his bit with the camera, I .... uh .... smacked him.

*hangs head in shame*

It was completely involuntary, and open handed, and just on his arm.  But I hit my doctor.

I appologized profusely, of course (once he took the camera out and I could talk again).  But after that, he totally lightened up and was friendly.

I don't recommend hitting your doctor.  But if you happen to do it by mistake, sometimes it works out OK!