Word Choices

The Wolf is not "gone", and he did not "leave me" - he is deployed.

When we are talking to each other, the loved ones of deployed military members sometimes talk about them being on "business trips" (which they are) or "cruises", for naval members.  We will say that our loved ones are "off playing in the sand" or "the sandbox".

A psychologist would likely classify this as a mild form of denial.  It is, however, one little thing that helps us cope with the realities we face.

So, when you are talking to me and I chose to say the Wolf is "traveling for work"  or "away on business", don't get in my face about the harsh realities of the situation.  I am quite aware of where he is, and the realities surrounding it, thank you very much; likely a lot more than you are.

Red Fridays - Support the Troops

One of those people ...

I regularly have "weird" things happen with my computers, both at work and at home.  I also can't wear a watch, as I ruin them.  I once actually made one run backwards.  Once one of our IT guys at work was trying to fix my computer (another "Wow, I've never seen one do THAT before!" fix) and when I told him of my history with watches, computers, etc, he said "Oooohhh, you're one of those people".  It seems, according to him, that some people just have a different electromagnetic field around them, and they mess up electronic stuff.

Which likely also explains the problem I have with cell phone batteries not lasting, MP3 players getting ruined, and light bulbs and street lights going off way more often when I am around than they seem to do with "normal" people.  I have had friends remark on the frequency with which a street light will go out just as I walk under it.  It seems to be worse if I am highly emotional, bad or good.

I had a new one this morning, however.  I have 2 cell phones, one for work (just a phone) and one for personal (a crackberry).  Last night when I turned it off, the work phone was showing 2 of 3 bars for battery strength, but my personal phone was low, so I put it on the charger.  I got up around 3 am to answer a call of nature, and the personal said "charge complete" and showed full strength, so I unplugged it.

Last night was filled with very strange dreams.  I was going to write them down, but was only half awake, and told myself I would remember in the morning; there was one in particular I really wanted to think about.  Of course, I don't remember any of them.

And when I got up this morning, the batteries of both cell phones were completely drained.  Deader than a nit.  No power left at all.

I think there may have been some very strange energies dancing around my home last night.

Just so you know ...

The little things ...

I just "talked" to the Wolf for a whole 15 minutes on MSN (that's what they are limited to on the shared internet before it boots them off).

The conversation wasn't a whole lot different information wise than most of his e-mails, but it was interaction.  He seemed in a decent mood - they were off work a bit early.  He was actually cracking some jokes, which is nice to see again.  I hesitate to use the word "normal", but it did almost seem like a normal conversation.  I guess this is the "new normal", for the foreseeable future.

He said again that basically all they have time for is work, eating, and sleeping.  I asked if that meant I should stop sending books over, and he said ya, he basically has a whole library built up and waiting for him at this point.  Oops.  I guess that means the box of DVD's that is on the way to him might also get a bit dusty before he gets to them ...

I had been very sad all weekend, but am in a more comfortable mood now.  I am not going to say happy, but I am closer to contentment than I have been in a few days.  It does concern me a bit how much my emotions lately depend on whether I have heard from him, and the tone of his e-mails; I wonder sometimes if I am going to make it through the next 9 months with my sanity intact.  I think I am learning from every interaction, and moving forward and growing as a person.  I am going to keep telling myself that, anyway!

I just wish experiences that expand my personal development and my perspective could be a little more enjoyable, a little more gentle!    

Jenny the Military Spouse

from Jenny the Military Spouse - seriously, anyone involved in the military lifestyle, go check out this site.

The Head vs the Heart

I think that's a Chris deBurgh song, but I don't have the motivation to look it up right now ...

I have been getting about an e-mail a week from the Wolf since he actually left Canada.  Basically they all say variations of the same thing - its hot, its sandy, its boring, I'm tired, the days are long, some of the other guys irritate the crap out of me, thanks for the stuff you are sending, X was particularly appreciated, hey its your word on scrabble ...  little details about daily life.

I appreciate the contact.  I really do.

My head knows that I am getting more regular contact that anyone else in his family right now, and that I should be grateful.  My heart still wants more.

My head knows that as he so eloquently puts it himself, its like being the sewer guy in the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day - same shit again every day - and that he feels he doesn't have anything interesting to tell me, 'cause he can't tell me any of the real interesting stuff.  My heart still wants longer letters, more detail, to know the little things.

My head says to give things time, give him time to settle in, that he will find his groove, his peace, and that things will get better.  My heart wants better NOW.

My head says crying won't do me any good, and asks, in my therapist's voice "now, what are those tears about?".  My heart says things to my head that I won't repeat here, and cries anyway.  

Oh, and my head kept screaming "NO! Don't do it!" after seeing another spouse's post about how many weeks until certain things happened in her hub's deployment - but my heart looked it up anyway, so here goes:

• 12 weeks 2 days to HTLA (R&R Leave) #1
• 22 weeks till HTLA #2
• 41 weeks until he is back in the country
• 3 months after that, tentatively, he goes back to play in the sand for another 10 months ...

Of course, as you all should know by now, ALL those dates are subject to change, cancellation, etc.

Changed for Good

** Happy 100th post to me **

From the Broadway Musical Wicked

 For Good on You Tube

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them,
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we may never meet again
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for.
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share,
And none of it seems to matter anymore.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
And because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

For Good lyrics and music © Stephen Schwartz

Red Fridays - Support the Troops

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.

John Stuart Mill, English economist & philosopher (1806 - 1873)

The Torch: Big Canadian operation at Kandahar ignored/Other CF Afstan news/Globeite update: Blackwater

Our troops are doing good things ... but is the public finding out?

Canadian Forces in the media

Wordless Wednesday

Symbols of suckiness

So we all, or at least most of us, have talismans that remind us of our loved ones.

Besides my ring, which I am still wearing, I have a bracelet made out of boot bands, rhyolite, and tiger jasper, which I have worn all the time since the Wolf and I started dating again.  I only take it off to change the bands when they start to break down; and I changed them from olive to tan when he actually deployed.

I also have his Afghan Mission t-shirt, which I sleep in if I am really missing him (like tonight).

If I am at home and feeling particularly sucky, I have a big pair of grey army socks I wear.  And a CH-47F (Chinook) mug I can make tea or hot chocolate in.


If I am needy and going out, I wear the silver-blue pashmina he bought me on bloc leave.  If I am particularly needy, I don't care if what else I'm wearing compliments it or not.

At work, i have my *special* tea mug he bought me, with the kanji for Love on it; and the green tea he brought me from India.

So many things that remind me of him, and give my heart a little smile, and a little tear, all at the same time.

Bad day?

I know I blogged a few days ago about degrees of hurt, and it not being a pissing contest ... but here's a little perspective next time you think you have it rough.  It certainly got my attention.

U.S. Marines from the 2nd MEB, 1st Battalion 5th Marines sleep in their fighting holes inside a compound where they stayed for the night, in the Nawa district of Afghanistan's Helmand province, Wednesday July 8, 2009. (AP Photo/David Guttenfelder)

See this link for the entire photo essay by David Guttenfelder, chief Asia photographer for The Associateed Press

Swastikas

I have had a "thing" lately with Ganesha, a god in the Hindu pantheon related to obstacles, both placing them and removing them.  I did a Google image search for an nice image, and found this one, which I quite like.  It gives the appearance of being created from banana plant leaves, which resonates with my personality quite well.

Upon closer inspection, however, you will note that the symbol on the left is a swastika.  I am not sure how I feel about that.


I know that the swastika was originally a symbol of good, until it was adopted by the National Socialist Party of Germany in 1920, and the symbol came to mean something entirely different.

"The word "swastika" comes from the Sanskrit svastika - "su" meaning "good," "asti" meaning "to be," and "ka" as a suffix.

Until the Nazis used this symbol, the swastika was used by many cultures throughout the past 3,000 years to represent life, sun, power, strength, and good luck." from About.com

 So I have been debating the symbol, and symbols in general.


In one way the image bothers me, because of the "modern" meaning of the swastika.  At the visceral level, I see the symbol and react tot he Nazi connotations, and it bothers me.  On the other hand, I appreciate the original meaning, and I can understand refusing to give in to the people that tried to take it from the original culture.  I respect the creator of the picture for refusing to let the spirit of the symbol be tarnished.

Blog re-vamp

I changed the background, and some other details of my blog's appearance. Please let me know if you find it harder to read now.

Thanks!

What do you do for him?

I was at job #2 last night, and one of the nice Ladies'  Auxiliary ladies asked me about the Wolf, and "what do you do for him while he is away?".  No one has actually ever asked me this before, and I gave a bland "I write to him and I send him care packages every week and I e-mail him".  After she walked away I got thinking about the kinds of things we really do for our loved ones while they are deployed, things that I think might be harder to explain to people

• we lie to them.  We tell them everything is fine at home, don't tell them the truth about how much we miss them, so they can focus on their job, which is coming home safe to us, and making sure their buddies do the same
• we fib to their families, too, or at least I do.  I buy things for the nieces and nephews, parents, grandma, and say "The Wolf was thinking of you, and asked me to deliver this from him" and "Yes, I talked with him, everything is good, he's just really busy.  I'm sure he'll call when he can".
• we sleep with their shirt, or their pillowcase, and cry our tears into it, so we can put on a happy voice when they do call, and assure them everything is good on the home front
• we handle the emergencies, the crisis, the decisions, the things it would be really nice to share with a partner, but they are focusing on their jobs there, so we do the things that need to be done.
• we say we understand when they only have time for a very short call, or a very short e-mail, because they are so busy.  We desperately want more, but they are doing what they can, so we again put on our happy voice and say "Its OK, I understand"
• we find groups of people like us, on line communities and real life neighbours and friends in the same boat, and we support each other; we carry patio furniture, share our experience and skills, and do the things for each other that our loved one cannot do - from shoveling snow and mowing lawns to lending an ear, or sharing a bottle of wine and some ice cream.  We keep each other going.
  

Poppies and Crucifixes

I am nominally Catholic.  One of the traditions in the Catholic Church is that for the season of Lent, leading up to Easter, the crucifixes are covered or removed, and the Holy Water in the entrance of the church is removed (sometimes replaced with sand).  I would also quit wearing my crucifix, and change to a plain gold cross.  The lack of these familiar things startles your brain, kicks you out of your routine, and makes you actually think about their significance, their meaning, and doing without them.

This year I have had the same reaction to taking off my poppy and leaving it on the cenotaph on November 11th.  I have been reaching for it the last couple of mornings to put it on, and its not there.  I have been checking my coat or my shirt to make sure it hasn't fallen, and its not there.

And every time I look and its not there, I think again of the sacrifices made by so many, past and present, and I remember.

today's thoughts ...

Red Friday - Support the Troops

 

 

War is not its own end, except in some catastrophic slide into absolute damnation. It's peace that's wanted. Some better peace than the one you started with.

 

Lois McMaster Bujold, (US science fiction author) "The Vor Game", 1990

November 11

We Should Not Only Mourn These Men And Women Who Died, 

We Should Also Thank God That Such People Lived

I once had the pleasure of spending November 11th in the company of a lady who had been a little girl in Holland when the Canadian Troops liberated it.  She told me stories of the Netherlands during the war; about the horrible things done to her Uncle, who was a Catholic Priest; about the hardships and suffering, about the fear and the hiding.


And the unending gratitude they felt towards the Canadians who came and ended it.



I spent a lot of that day in tears with her, and I have never been able to approach this time of year without thinking of her, and everything she described to me.



Two years ago I spent at my local cenotaph in tears, since the Wolf and I had lost touch, and I didn't know where he was.  This year the tears will come again, since I do know where he, and so many others, are, and why.

Remember the dead, but don't forget the living.

Not all wounds are visible.

To all who serve: never doubt that what you do is worth it.  Although they may never be able to tell you themselves, the impact you make on the lives of the people you protect, people who are complete strangers to you, cannot be expressed in words.  You do make a difference.  God bless you all.

To those who appreciate the sacrifice that is made: those who served or have served do not take our respect for granted.  They need to hear it.  They need to be told that we appreciate what they do, and have done.  Please do not be shy with your appreciation, or embarrassed by it.

Degrees of hurt

I think this is a theme that I will re-visit often, but today's post is sparked by something I read on another Military Spouse's blog (not one I follow, so don't bother looking for it over on the right!).  This is not someone I normally read, so I don't know what her typical attitude or outlook is, but in this post she seemed quite bitter.  He hubs is in the middle of a 15 month deployment.  Which absolutely sucks, and I don't think anyone would argue with that.  Her point, however, was that since her hubs was gone for 15 months to Iraq, that people whose loved one was "only" gone for 3 months, 6 months, etc., and/or "only" away on training didn't have any right to complain, to feel bad, the right to feel what they were feeling.

I disagree with that.  (I do, however, agree that the woman who was complaining bitterly because her hubs was leaving for 24 hours on a business trip might have chosen her audience more carefully)

How much I am hurting or missing the Wolf does not make anyone else's pain any less real to them, any less valid.  I have a friend whose man is a long haul truck driver.  He is gone for 4 or 5 days out of every single week.  No, no one is shooting at him, nor does he have to worry about IEDs on the side of the 401.  But he is still gone, and she still misses him.  And those feeling are real.  And I feel for her, and honour her feelings, and do what I can to make her life easier.  I don't tell her to suck it up because of my circumstances.

I know a number of other Mil Spouses whose loved one is deployed for a few months, or 6, to the sandbox, on a ship, or on training courses, but for whatever reason, they are AWAY.  They are separated.  They are missing each other.

I think the fact that your loved one is separated from you gives you more sympathy or empathy for anyone in a similar situation.  It is not a pissing contest.  It is not an excuse for bad behaviour.  It is a shared pain.

Couldn't say it any better ...

13 Things about Canada's Role in the two World Wars, from Julia over at A Piece of My Mind.

Not as happy as I should be.

I finally got an e-mail from the Wolf this morning, letting me know that all is well, just really, really busy - 12 hour days, no days off, getting used to the new routine, new food, new climate, new altitude, all that jazz.  He got the first care package I sent, and said they had some fun with the toys.  He seems to be settling in nicely, but they haven't bothered running internet to their room yet.  He said he would write a longer e-mail later, but that he is still pretty tired.

I told myself that I would be happy with any contact, just to know he was OK, and that he was thinking of me.  Now that I have had my contact, however, I find myself wanting more.  I want interaction.  I want him to say he misses me.  I want more.


I tell myself that I will be patient; that this is a big change for him.  I tell myself that as he settles in, he will go back to his old self; that as he establishes a routine we can maybe schedule some "MSN Dates" where we can chat. 

I tell myself I am strong enough to get through this, but today I don't feel strong enough.

I met a friend for lunch, and bumped into another friend after and had tea.  They both said that it is nice to see me getting more back to my old self, to see the sparkle back in my eyes.  I had a good week last week, but I don't feel it today.


I had lunch with the leader of our local Family Support Group.  I was telling her about a shirt I had seen on Cafe Press that said something along the lines of "Husband Deployed: Approach With Caution".  (She thinks we should get a set for the whole group).  I said that when I first saw them I kinda blew them off, but now I understand the emotion much better!

I know when I get these feelings they don't generally last longer than about 24 hours.  But when you are in the middle of them, they feel like they will last for the rest of your life.


I am strong enough.  I will get through this.  I will not live my life around whether or not I have had contact that day; I will not let this deployment control my emotions.  It will be part of my life, but it will not be my life.

Red Friday

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.

- Thucydides 

I miss him.

I miss my Wolf.

To paraphrase a friend, I don't miss him in a need something kind of way, I miss him in a to remember him makes my heart smile way.

I don't resent him for being away, for doing what he does, what he feels he has to do.  I am not mad at him for being deployed; I am not mad at the CF or railing against fate because of the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I can call to mind the feel of his arms around me, the weight of his chin resting on top of my head as he holds me, and feel a bittersweet comfort from the memory.  I can feel the synchronicity of our breathing when we are together, imagine the feel of his skin on my cheek, and have the sense of peace settle over me, even though there is half a word between us in geography.

I miss him.  Intensely.  Many times throughout the day.  

I love him.  I miss him.   

When In Rome: Holiday CD Giveaway

I usually don't do anything even remotely Christmassy until after November 11th, but Sara over at When In Rome is doing a holiday giveaway of a new Christmas CD, The Greatest Gift: Songs of the Season by Alexis Cole.  Alexis Cole, the artist, is an international Jazz musician who has dedicated her life to serving others, and has recently entered basic training for the US Army.  For more info, and an interview with the artist, see Sara's blog at  When In Rome: Holiday Giveaway .  You can listen to samples of some of the tracks, and learn more about Alexis, and purchase the album at www.alexiscole.com .  All profits from the CD are to be donated to World Bicycle Relief .

I listened to the sample tracks, and I agree with Sara that Alexis' voice is reminiscent of an earlier time, evoking a smoky basement lounge with ladies in long satin or velvet dresses, updo's, and bright red lipstick.  But there is also a hint of a celtic lilt in some of the tracks, and that quirky little rhythm or unexpected note that makes jazz what it is.

Sara has asked people what their favorite Christmas song is. I don't have one favorite, but here are some of the ones that make the list:

This Little Child, Scott Wesely Brown. I know this isn't *really* a Christmas song, it was originally actually a Viet Nam protest song, but to me it speaks to the spirit of Christmas, and one of the songs I always this of first when I am asked this.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Breath of Heaven, Amy Grant

The Bare Naked Ladies / Sara McLachlan version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen / We Three Kings

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

mmm ... books ....

I love to read.  Which, given that my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian, may well be genetic!

I stopped at Chapters today to buy a novel to go in the Wolf's next care package, and a book for myself.  They didn't have the book I wanted for myself, but they had some others, and then the sales dude who was helping me looked at what I already had, and made another recommendation.  I left with 6 paperbacks, all of them rather weighty.

I picked up:

A Game of Thrones, George R R Martin.  I love this series, and they are making an HBO pilot of the first part of AGOT, so I thought I would buy it for the Wolf to start reading.  807 pages, and I think the smallest of the Song of Fire and Ice books.


The Summoner, Book One of the Chronicles of the Necromancer, Gail Z Martin.  I saw this one while looking for the AGOT, and it looked really interesting.  I will let you know!  637 pages



Beyond the Shadows, Shadow's Edge, and The Way Of Shadows. Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Night Angel Trilogy, by Brent Weeks. These were recommended by my brother, who usually has pretty darn good taste in books.  He is the one that go me reading the George R R Martin books.  677, 645, and 708 pages.



The Name Of The Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss.  This is the one that was recommended by the sales dude.  722 pages


I may not get much done this week :-)

Sunset ...

The sun officially sets tonight at 16:49 (now).  That is so not cool.

I like daylight.  I get SAD.  I loved the extra hour of sleep; I don't like that fact that it is already dark.  I thought there must be a storm coming in, then I realized what it is ...

*sigh*

Coals to Newcastle ...

I like rocks, and have told the Wolf that other than him coming home safe, the only thing I would like him to bring me as a souvenir of his business trip is a rock.  Not as in "go buy me a piece of jewelery" but a rock, off the ground.

I have also given him "rocks" in the past.  For example, I gave him a piece of Hematite shaped like a heart.  Hematite is said to be good for protection from evil, and is also said to be good for those suffering from mental stress.

I had been planning on sending him a piece of Lapis Lazuli.  Lapis, among other things, is also a stone of protection, clarity, and emotional healing.  It is said to help with insomnia and attract lucid dreaming.  I have a nice piece under my pillow.

Then I read where the best Lapis is mined.  There are small, scattered deposits in other places, but the best of the dark blue Lapis with the pyrite flecks in it is mined only in the Khyber Pass in Afghanistan.

*sigh*

So maybe I won't send him a piece of Lapis.  I can just imagine the reaction I would get to doing that ....