To soothe the soul

Settings test, and a pic

I'm testing a settings change, but as a token, here's a pic I found that I liked:

I lost my "dog tags"

I lost my "dog tags".

I have (had) a dog tag, (American Style) that I got a bit before the Wolf's last deployment.  It was inscribed in script with a line from an Archie Fisher song: "There is no forever, or never again" (the song is called "Ontario Dust").  Tags are in the upper left corner of the photo; its not great, but its the only one I could find.

I am house sitting this week.  I went to my own place on Sunday and threw some clothes, and some jewelry, including the tags, into a bag for Remembrance Day service Monday.  The bag dumped in the passenger seat of my car on the trip between houses, and when I emptied it out at my temporary accommodation, the tags were not there.  I searched my car, the bag, my own house, and where I am staying - no tags.

The thought wandered across my brain, as unsolicited thoughts do, to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me it's time to really let go of the past, and let myself move on.  To not carry around the old baggage.

Dreams, and reflection

I had a werewolf dream again in the wee hours of this morning.

This time the werewolf was lurking inside when I unlocked the door to my house.  I was expecting my boyfriend (in the dream - no their isn't one) to be hiding in the house in the dark to teach me a lesson about security and being prepared; instead a werewolf in 1/2 human 1/2 wolf form lept from the shadows and started gnawing on my left rib cage ... where my wolf paw tattoo is ... and where my heart is.  I froze, and remember trying to scream, but not being able to.

Then, of course, I woke up.

I lay there, trying to regain control of my breathing, in that strange mental state of clarity you get before infected with the goings on of the world, and recalled that the dream dictionary says that dreaming of werewolves often indicates that someone in your life isn't who they appear to be.

Then, with shocking clarity, the thought shot across my brain:

What if the someone is me?

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory ...

 I got to see George Strait with Martina McBride in March, on his farewell "Cowboy Rides Away" tour. Good memories.

This isn't George, but it totally sums up that whole evening for me.

Where to start?

I haven't written in quite a while.  I lost my spark, my drive; possibly even myself for a little while.  And life got busy.

In the words of my favorite 2 year old.  "Ya.  That happens."

I'm not going to update you on everything that has happened over the last while; I am sure it will come out in posts as it is ready to.

What am I dealing with lately?

"Moral injury is perpetrating, failing to prevent, bearing witness to, or learning about acts that transgress deeply held moral beliefs."

Ya.  That happens.  Unfortunately.

My heart hurts.

New job (from beginning of this year) came with a challenging co-worker.  Challenging co-worker got terminated a little bit ago.  Challenging co-worker, among other things, was inappropriately touching and otherwise verbally harassing our younger male contractors.  Seems he had a history of doing that.  At least once, to a minor.

My heart hurts.

One of the young men asked me, during a conversation, if I had not noticed certain things about the way they acted around him, precautions they now took.  I hadn't.

So in addition to Momma Bear being very angry, Momma Bear was also beating herself up for not noticing; not protecting them, not stopping it.

I have *mostly* worked through it, but various other things keep coming to light that are in the ~ How could someone I know, and used to trust, do something like that?  Only strangers do bad things like that. ~ family of thoughts.

He is gone; he is no longer my problem, or a threat to *my* staff/co-workers.  But did he learn his lesson?  Is he going to continue his behaviour somewhere new?  I know its not my problem, but ... my heart hurts.

It's healing; I am trying not to carry other people's baggage.  I have a really great circle of friends around me, (most of whom believe in tough love, which is what I need) and a really great team at work that are all working together to help as they can.  It was really heartwarming who made offers of help after dude was canned.

It was also completely hilarious the way all the men-folk who work under my supervision treated me, for the first couple of days, like a fragile little thing that was going to burst into tears if they said the wrong thing.  Sexist, but funny, and nice.  Thank God they went back to normal after a few days.

I'm bitchy

(Aside - I went back and read the last few entries before I started writing tonight, and for the record, I did give Dumbass a chance to clarify what had happened, and he did, to a degree.  Basically, his communication skills suck; there was more to the story than he presented, and had I had all the fact, I wouldn't have been nearly as hurt as I was.  We're friends again; but I'm not pursuing anything more than that.)

About 6 moths ago, I stepped down from all the organizations I volunteer with except the Legion and the support group for families and soldiers/veterans living with PTSD and other OSI's.

I have been thinking about joining a local service group.  I like what Rotary does, at least what I know of their international projects, but their meeting times totally don't work with my schedule (they meet for breakfast at 7:30, and I start work at 8:00, so .... not so useful).

A friend invited me to an information meeting about Kinettes; and when I was debating on Facebook between Kinettes and Rotary, another friend suggested Optimists.  Then I spoke to someone who was involved in Lions ... Oy vey!

One of the things that concerned me about both Kinsmen/Kinettes and Lions/Lionesses is that there are separate clubs for men and women, and to be blunt - I don't tolerate groups of women well.  I get along better, by and large, with men.  I think this segregation by gender is a relic of previous generations.  But I was willing to give it a try; I want to have information and be able to make an informed decision.

Off I went to the information meeting tonight.  As I was afraid of, it was a bunch of women sitting around and behaving exactly as I would expect of the stereotype that sums up this city in which I currently find myself - judgmental  exclusionary, clique-y; nattering on, all trying to be top dog (head bitch?) and generally disrespecting each other, and neighbouring cities.

Sigh.

A few of the women, like me, were sitting back not saying much; I spoke to them after and there may be some potential there.  I am afraid, however, that the noisy, small minded ones will be the ones who win the day.

I think I need to find out more about Optimitsts ...

Bright side ....

Well, if nothing else, no matter what, I don't seem to have lost my ability to believe in the best, to hope for the best.

Dumbass (formerly known as Blockhead) stood me up Friday night.  *Technically* I don't know if he actually stood me up.  We had dinner plans.  I reconfirmed the evening before.  At 1700 I hadn't heard, so I texted, and he said we were still on, but he had some things to do first ... and at 1955, he called and said he wasn't that hungry, so he was heading to get drunk with the boys, but I was welcome to come watch that happen if I so desired ... I declined.

I was very deeply hurt, and embarrassed that I had let myself get my hopes up again.

In conversation with Red this afternoon, I observed that despite my varied history, at least I hadn't lost my ability to hope for the best and to believe it was possible; or else I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

And I think that is a good thing.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to stop believing so easily; that I have to guard my heart more closely; that I have to keep myself in reserve.

I say bullshit.

I am who I am.  I feel, I love, I believe, and I hope.

And damn you life, I will not let you beat that out of me!

(Dear Universe: Please note that was NOT a challenge!!)

Side note: Yes, I have written Dumbass off as a learning experience.  I will not be pursuing him, or trying to clarify what happened.  If he reaches out I will not be petty, but I think I have learned that particular lesson with regards to HIM.  Not to mention a couple of my friends will hit me upside the head with a Buick if I do. 

Side note 2: Tonight on the news they were playing clips from Homeland, and in one of the scenes they showed Mandi Patinkin's character says to his daughter "You are the smartest person and the dumbest person I know."  I laughed.

Blockhead, and a lack of social graces

I think "the new guy" will be known as Blockhead.  Mamma C gave him that name Saturday night, and I think it is going to stick.

He is an incredibly intelligent man, a very successful business man ... and, me thinks, at least mildly socially retarded. He says himself that he is an introvert, but I think it goes beyond that.  I think he's socially retarded.

And I need to decide if I have the strength of self esteem to deal with that.  Because even knowing that his social skills are lacking, the things he does hurt my feelings; my brain doesn't want to take them personally, but my heart and gut proceed straight to hurt.

Thursday and Friday night things between Blockhead and I seemed to be going very well.  He was talkative and flirty; initiating conversations, etc.  Saturday i was bar tending for a Legion event; he came by.  He was in a bad mood when he got there due to some work stuff, but barely talked to me; and went back to the kitchen to help with some prep.  I knew he had to leave around 7 for a family commitment; around 7 I said something to someone about him and they replied "Oh, he already left".  Not even a goodbye.  I was hurt, and I said something to Mamma C; she is teaching Baby Bear to say goodbye to his friends when they leave somewhere - maybe she could teach blockhead the same thing?  That's when she christened him blockhead - it seems he does that all the time, and it annoys the *crap* out of her as well.  So it wasn't personal, just annoying.

He is away on a business trip again for a few days.  And of course, I am busy as well.  We'll see when/if we get together again.  If his brain works the way I suspect it does, I may just come right out and ask him if he is interested in seeing where this goes or not.  I think I can do it without causing any weirdness between us.  I'll gauge that, and decide.

One of the guys ...

** I started writing this a week or so ago ... what a difference a week makes **

Well, it seems like my last attempt at a relationship has once more turned into friendship, with me being "one of the guys".

Of course, the fact that I dealt with my disappointment by going trap shooting this morning may indicate that I am a lost cause ... in my defense, I came home after and baked.  And turning clay disks into dust is highly therapeutic.

Pappa C and I had a great conversation last night which raised many good points to ponder, including the feminizing of men, and the fact that I don't need to be less of a "dude", I just need to find a man who is more of a man than I am - or as the now Mamma C's dad said about her, she needed to find a man with bigger balls than her.

Pappa C also held up a mirror for me, with just the proper ratio of blunt reality to "here's a straw"*.  If I don't want to be one of the guys, I need to quit getting as defensive when they treat me like a girl.  Ouch.  That would be a case of the truth hurting.

* = "here's a straw" = suck it up, for those of you who haven't been playing along at home.

~~~~~~~~~

Update #1 - The fellow training me at the new job is one of those overly feminized men.  A complete drama queen.  I am developing a twitch.

Update #2 - Maybe I'm not one of the guys.  It seems the fellow that I have been developing a "possibility" with is just fairly shy around women, by his own admission.  We finally went out on a "real" date, and had a lovely time.  I need to come up with a bloggy handle for him, since he's (hopefully) going to become a recurring character in the story ...

I really need to learn patience.

Happy V day, and meet the C family.

Happy V day kittens.

My friend Mamma C gave me these shoes last night.  Closest I will get to a Valentine's gift, and I  have to say I am kind of in love with them at the moment.

As as I wrote this post, it occurred to me I have never introduced the C family, who you will likely be seeing more of.


So without further ado:


The C family over the last year or so have gone from being casual friends to being very close friends.

Mamma C is younger than me, but a true soul sister.  Sometimes it feels like we are one brain in two bodies.  I love hanging out with her.  We can talk about anything, and she indulges my quirks (and I hers) and doesn't take offense to the sometimes blunt or random things that come out of my mouth.

Pappa C is closer to my age, and while first appearance is that he is a rough and ready redneck, as you get to know him he has untold depths.  He is very perceptive, not afraid to call a spade a spade, and has the ability to confront me with truths I may not want to hear in a way that makes me truly stop and honestly consider them, know he is right, and know that he still loves me anyway.

Little C, aka Baby Bear, is their soon-to-be 2 year old son, who I just love to bits, and the feeling seems to be mutual.

The youngest member of the family is currently known as the Fetus.  She will need a new name in very early April, for reasons that should be fairly obvious.  I have been invited to attend her transition into the world at large, for which I feel very honoured.

Look forward to getting to know these folks better, and in the mean time, enjoy the rest of your night!

♥♥♥

Lent ...

Lent kinda snuck up on me this year.  It didn't process until I got an e-mail today about tomorrow's pancake lunch at work.

Even thought I am a seriously-out-of-practice Catholic, I do try to give something up for lent every year, more as an act of self control than an act of faith or penance.

So what do I give up this year?

One of my friends posted this on FaceBook today:

How about that?

How about for the next 40 days (not counting Sundays - silly rule) I gently correct myself and re-route my thoughts every time I think about the Wolf, or Sebastian, or some of the scary what ifs.  How about I put away the reminders, the mementos, just until Easter, and try to move forward.

I'll let you know how it goes.  Or if I wimp out, and just stop drinking coffee instead.

Joan Armatrading - Love & Affection (From "Steppin' Out DVD)

With a friend, I can smile
But with a lover I could hold my head back 
I could really laugh, Really laugh

...

Now I got all The friends that I want
I may need more 
But I shall just stick to those That I have got 

Red Friday ~ Post Traumatic Growth

The Chinese character for Crisis is also the character for Opportunity ...

Check out this article in the New York Times:

Post-Traumatic Stress’s Surprisingly Positive Flip Side

The job thing ...

Aside: Love you to bits, Coffey. ♥ 

~~~~~~~~~

Update #1 ~ The job thing.

Back at the end of September the powers that be in the government announced, (finally, and after almost a year an a half of rumours and angst) that they were ending the program I worked for.  I watched the program be born in 1995, and I served it in all stages; as student labour, as a volunteer, as a committee chair, and finally as the paid coordinator.  I poured my heart and soul into the program, and the way it was ended kind of made a lot of us feel like our contribution was insignificant and unimportant in the eyes of our higher ups.

With the end of the program, my position was "declared surplus".  I could elect to terminate my employment and take a severance package, or stay with the government and hope for "re-deployment".  (Who comes up with these terms? Seriously?).  I examined my options, and, with some input from various advisors, elected to take the package.  My last day of employment was November 30.

I spent December trying to catch up on sleep, de-stress, get myself back into a routine of good eating, exercising, and life balance, and oh ya, helping my folks get ready for Christmas.  By the break between Christmas and New Years I was starting to feel like my old self again.  I also managed to actually do a bunch of crafts and baking that I had filed in that wonderful "some day" file, Pinterest :)

I had been keeping my eye on positions along the way, but only expressing interest in things I was actually wanted, which weren't many.  I was just starting to think I had to get less picky, when I got a phone call for an interview for the position that I was most interested in.  Long story short, on Monday they offered me the job, and on Tuesday I accepted it.  I consider myself very lucky that in today's economy, I was basically only off for the ideal amount of time to re-charge my batteries.

It is significantly less money that I had been making, but I get to stay in the area.  I had thought that moving wouldn't be a problem; after all, I have moved a fair bit in my life; but the more I thought about leaving, the more I wanted to stay in a place where I had friends, connections, and memories.  Now I can.  I will also still be doing similar things, working with community groups and schools, doing the things I love, and working with good people.  Hopefully, if some paperwork processes, I can start next week.

Update # 2, the potential love life, to follow soon ...

Moving on ...

Wow guys; I know its been forever, and I know every time I pop in I say I'll come back and fill in the blanks, but ... forgive me if I indulge in another one of those "part of the story" posts.

Things have been wild - I did get laid off at the end of November, but just accepted a new position today, one that promises lots of cool opportunities  and good people to work with.

I've also been kinda, sorta, almost seeing someone.  We've only been together in groups with other people, but we have been texting and instant messengering almost every night.  We live in separate towns, but not too far away.  And no, he's not military, and he doesn't have PTSD.

Which brings me to tonight.

We were messengering, and he had to go do something, and he typed "I'll be right back", to which I replied "I'll be here" ... and then froze, and then burst out sobbing

Because that's what I used to say to Sebastian when he left - He'd hold me tight and tell me that he'd be back, I would say "I'll be here", and he would say "I know you will" and give me that grin ...

I know that he was in my life to help me heal and learn lessons, and that now he is gone from my life; I have accepted that.  But every once in a while those little memories sneak up and bite me in the ass.  I guess I just need to acknowledge them and honour them for what they are, and move forward. And remember to value what I have, for you never know how long it will last.

And if this new relationship goes forward, I should likely give the poor guy a heads up that if I randomly burst into tears, not to take it personally.  I am not sure how much of my history he knows; and most of the folks in this little small town don't know anything but the very basics.  But that conversation can wait.

Love you all.

There is a song called "Diamonds" from a Canadian Band called Chesterfield Inlet.  Unfortunately, they don't allow any of their stuff on You Tube, or I would link it for you.

So you know when I drill down and pull out a sample of what I'm standing on,
Its all still there, layer upon layer, its what I'm standing on ...
Hand over hand, I pull out the core
And the present weighs heavy on the time before,
turning all the wonders and moments into diamonds ...