Dreams, and reflection

I had a werewolf dream again in the wee hours of this morning.

This time the werewolf was lurking inside when I unlocked the door to my house.  I was expecting my boyfriend (in the dream - no their isn't one) to be hiding in the house in the dark to teach me a lesson about security and being prepared; instead a werewolf in 1/2 human 1/2 wolf form lept from the shadows and started gnawing on my left rib cage ... where my wolf paw tattoo is ... and where my heart is.  I froze, and remember trying to scream, but not being able to.

Then, of course, I woke up.

I lay there, trying to regain control of my breathing, in that strange mental state of clarity you get before infected with the goings on of the world, and recalled that the dream dictionary says that dreaming of werewolves often indicates that someone in your life isn't who they appear to be.

Then, with shocking clarity, the thought shot across my brain:

What if the someone is me?

Dreaming with intent experiment, Day 1

I suppose technically this is day 2, since the night before last I tried and just didn't wake up remembering anything, but I'm just going to count days with results.  My experiment, my rules.


When I was at the training last week, one of the veterans and I were discussing nightmares, and he told me about Lucid Dreaming, and the success he has had re-formatting and finding meaning in his nightmares.  I was intrigued, so I did a bit of research (and am continuing to) and thought I would give things a try.


Step one is to just try to remember your dreams and record them in a journal for a while, and maybe try to do some "light" dream interpretation.  The things I read recommend meditating before bed.


I already meditate as I am heading to sleep, so that part was easy.  Last night I added in a bit of EFT Tapping to open up my third eye/hypothalamus-pituitary region, and to reinforce that I wanted to remember my dreams come morning.  During my meditation, I asked my spirit guide ("angel") to please facilitate letting my sub-conscious mind communicate with my conscious mind in my dreams, and to help me remember them in the morning.


Part of the research I read said that your best chance at lucid dreaming comes after you have woken up in the morning, and gone back to sleep.  Since I usually wake up between 3 and 4 am and eventually get back to sleep, this wasn't a problem.  I woke up this morning and intentionally didn't look at the time, as I didn't want to be focused on how much time I had left.  All I know is it was still dark out.


(I am going to record everything here, so this is a long post; I am doing this mostly for my own records, but if anyone wants to chime in, feel free.  I was going to do this on a separate, private blog, but then I thought what the heck, some of you might connect some dots I don't see.)


I did eventually drift off to sleep again, and then I had this "dream":

I was at what I knew in the dream was Sebastian's house, even though it is not his real life residence.  We were in the atrium at the back of the house; to one side was a weathered grey cedar deck, with steps down to the back yard, which was fenced wooden cedar fence down the two sides and page wire at the back.
At some point in the dream he was showing me a video on his iPad, a video he had created with his new video editing software.  It was a video of him and his long time friend T, (female) driving in his car.  He had edited out the view from the windshield and added scenes that made it look like they were driving around the inside of a Starbuck's, and there were 4 german shepherd in the back seat.  S and his friend T were laughing and leaning in to each other in the video; in the dream S was watching me out of the corner of his eye, it felt like he was waiting for me to get angry or jealous, but I have never felt that way about his relationship with T, and didn't in the dream.  Besides, I was too focused on the 4 german shepherds in the back seat, and a bit on the cool video editing.
Then I realized that my Sweet Girl (who died April 2011) and Shadow, a black belgian shepherd from a place I used to work (who died long before my girl) were both there, and asking to go out.  We let them out, and Sweet Girl peed on the deck, because she was too old and stiff to go down the stairs (something she never did in real life).  In the dream I waited tensely for S to get mad about that (he is OCD) but he just gave a sad laugh and said he knew she was old and it wasn't her fault.  Shadow went into the back yard, and we followed them out.
Shadow ran to the back wall of the house and was jumping up.  We realized that there were hornets swarming around the eaves of the house; we also realized that my mother was in the back yard.  I asked my mom if the hornets were mating, and she replied that no, they were just climbing on each other while in flight. (?)
I looked down and realized that one of the hornets was on my shirt near the right side of my collar bone.  It flew off, then started flying around my face and trying to fly up my nose.  it didn't sting me, but I was freaking out.  Then I woke up.

So it seems I forgot to ask my sub-conscious to give me anything simple or easy to understand.  That's OK, I guess, because at this stage the main point, as it has been explained to me, is to remember and record your dreams, and to look for any symbolism.  The veteran I was talking to recommended a specific reference book, which I have yet to acquire, but a quick internet search revealed the following: 


(suggestions from  http://www.thecuriousdreamer.com/dreamdictionary/ Copyright 2012 The Curious Dreamer)


Tips to Understand Dream Meaning Dream symbol meanings are different for each person. It's important to consider: Personal meaning—What the dream symbol means to you, what it reminds you of, how it makes you feel. Context—How the dream symbol appears in the dream. For example, in a dream about a bee—what was the bee doing, how and where it was doing it, and how did you feel about it? Look beyond the obvious—A dream is often about something other than its obvious meaning. Physical events in the dream commonly represent mental or emotional matters.

DOGS: Loyalty, protectiveness. Dreaming of this animal can represent: Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.) For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out. A dog can also represent an actual dog in your life, or your inner child (meaning that you could benefit from more attention to your fun, playfulness, or nurturing). A dog in trouble, sick, or overlooked can mean you may be overlooking a responsibility for yourself or your life.

Hornets:   An under-estimated or hidden danger A fear, perhaps of attack or persecution Anger, especially out-of-control anger or an unchecked response to provocation Dreaming of this insect can represent: Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

Mother:  Your real-life mother, an authority or caretaker figure (such as your employer), or your spiritual parent (God) The idea of motherhood, motherly qualities, or parenthood in general

Outdoors:  Beyond you, outside of your inner experience. The part of your life where you interact with others or make impressions on others A house usually represent you, inside the house represents your inner life (your thoughts, feelings, etc.), and so things happening outdoors would represent things going on around you. Depending on the particular kind of outdoor setting in your dream, it could also represent a particular real place, or a particular set of feelings (like a cemetery could represent loss or sadness).

People: A person in a dream can represent that actual person, or the characteristics you attribute to that person. Meaning, if you dream about your boss who is always in a hurry, your boss may represent himself, or he may represent the idea of hurrying: for example, a feeling like you need to hurry something, or that you are hurrying too much or need more patience. Also, the significant symbolism of a person in a dream may not be who they are, but what they're doing, how they're doing it, or their attitude—anything that stands out about them. Pay attention to how the person appears, as well as what the actual person symbolizes to you

Nightmares need to be earned?

At the training I was at last week, after dinner a few of us would walk out to a little island that was part of the base, and chat.  Due to the nature of the training, and the fact we knew we had, to some degree, a common foundation, we were fairly open in our conversations.  I had a few really good conversations with one vet in particular about nightmares, and more will show up here later on some of the things he made me think about.

One of the walks was just three of us.  The vet I just mentioned, myself, and another peer who was also on the "family" side, like me.  The nightmare conversation was getting going pretty good.  We weren't going into any details about imagery, but we were discussing intensity, dream hangovers, and general strategies.

  During a lull in the chat, the other family volunteer looked at me and said "Wait - were you in the military yourself?"  I replied that I wasn't, and then she said "Well, what do you mean you have nightmares?"  She honestly seemed confused by the fact that I could have nightmares without actually having served.

I was confused because I thought (and still think) everyone has nightmares.  Maybe not too the "night terror" level, or even intense nightmares, but most people have them. 

I find it really odd that someone would question, almost to the point of challenging me, on the "truth" of having nightmares without having served.

An aside, from WebMD: "While it's true nightmares are more common among children, one out of every two adults has nightmares on occasion. And between 2% and 8% of the adult population is plagued by nightmares" 

Tuesday Morning's Nightmare ...

I am having nightmares again (still?).  They are not full blown night terrors, I have had those, the ones that leave you unable to talk, to think, to move, to function.  The ones that leave you locked in their grip long after someone tries to wake you, long after you finally wake.  The ones that leave you looking at yourself in a detached way like a third person, knowing at the end it is a dream, but unable to get out of it.  This is not those sorts of terrors, but they are strong nightmares, none the less.

And they are getting weirder. 

The ones I’d been having, with the random male presence somewhere that he shouldn’t be, make some sense given my background and some of the more memorable experiences in my life.

Last night, I dreamt of battle.

I have never been in an actual battle, nor have either of my guys ever gone into graphic detail with me, not regarding a specific battle, and certainly not anything like this. There would be random details, but never a play by play. A comrade of the Wolf’s once related to me an incident from Croatia involving the “bad guys” using innocents as shields, but only the barest of detail; detatched, clinical, and just the facts, ma'am; and again, nothing like the dream I had.

I have not been watching TV, or movies, nor reading books that are anywhere near this sort of theme.  Nothing related to battle, or war.

I have no idea where this one came from.  It felt so real, so vivid, and when I woke up my skin was crawling, and it took a while to steel myself enough to get up for a drink of water and a bathroom break.  I didn’t want to move.  I certainly didn’t want to leave the safety of my bed. 

All I know is that I had to get up in the middle of the night and make notes so I could remember, and I *need* to write it down here, to share it, and to get it out of my head.

This is a long one, so if you want to skip over the actual dream, feel free.

This one started innocently enough.  I was driving, with others in the car, to some kind of community celebration.  It was evening, before twilight, and there were older women in the car with me – maybe my mom, and others? I don’t remember that part.  I remember parking the vehicle, some kind of jeep, and them trying to get out before I was actually parked, and me being cross with them for it. 

There is a bit missing then, and all of a sudden I am in a house, a traditional desert type dwelling, clay or some such, very square, and only openings for doors and windows, no glass, or doors.  Whether it once had them and now they are gone, or if they never existed, I can’t say.  The home seems to have been abandoned; there are no signs of inhabitants.  We have been tasked to watch; for what I don’t know.  There are two others with me.  One is a former supervisor, from a job I left years ago.  I never get a good sense of who the third is, only that it is male, and he is part of the team.

We are armed with machine guns, something automatic with a font grip; I don’t know much about automatic weapons.  It was not a C-6 (FN MAG) or MP-5, both of which I have actually used at ranges.  Something, from a quick Google images search, more like a Colt AR-15, which I swear I have never held in my hands.

My former supervisor was not taking her task nor the firearm seriously at all; she was goofing around, not aware of her surroundings, and not aware of her muzzle control at all.  (This may translate to the fact that in real life, many years ago, she failed to take some concerns seriously, failed to have my back, and let me down in a big way). 

In the dream, she was outside one of the window openings, pointing the muzzle of the weapon directly at me.  I was about to give her crap, when a figure appeared around the edge of the door opening.

I raised my weapon and fired a short burst, realizing as I did so the figure was wearing body armour, and a face shield that also was impervious to bullets.  The face shield is frozen forever in my memory, as it was painted in a replica of a gaunt human skull. 

In the dream time was in slow motion, giving me time to fixate on the horror of the skull mask, its ability to withstand bullets; to realize that the figure’s throat was exposed, and to re-orient my weapon to fire a burst into that exposed throat, thus removing him from the equation.

As I look out past the one threat that has now been neutralized, I realize that there are more of them out there, in the clusters of trees that dot the barren landscape.  But they are intermingled with the people from the celebration I was at earlier, and while we try, it is hard to get clear shots without also endangering the innocent.

Then more innocents start to file around the house in a steady stream from behind, like a stream of ants surrounding a crumb; walking as if on remote control, no emotion, no resistance or fear evident on their faces.  I feel trapped, and unable to fire without endangering the innocents, knowing that the bad guys don’t have the same reluctance. 

The bad guys also had some sort of incendiary grenade, something that made and incredibly bright light, and vaporized people.  They were using the grenades in the clusters of innocents, and using the resluting smoke clouds, and our temporary blindness, as cover.  All was lost ... 

And then I woke up.  My skin was crawling.  I was clammy….. I knew I was in my own bed, in my own room, safe, but somehow I still felt trapped, wild, defeated.  I eventually calmed down, got a drink as I said, and tried to return to sleep … but as soon as I tried to close my eyes, the skull masked figure was back … creeping through my kitchen, peeking around the edge of my bedroom door, waiting until I let my guard down.

I got up again, wrote down the details of the dream in quick form, hoping to trap the sleep demons with words, so I could sleep again.  It worked, sort of, and I drifted into a fitful sleep for the rest of the night,

I can still see that skull mask peeking around the edge of the door of that abandoned building, as vividly as if it were in front of me.  I can still, 12 hours later and in broad day light, recall the sights, the sounds, the feelings.

Is this the beginning of a descent into madness?  Am I sharing memories with the Wolf that were never expressed?

Or do I just need to pay more attention to what I eat in the evenings? 

All I know for sure is this can’t go on – I need some sleep.

Dreams ...

I had a dream last night.


I was in a rather rural and shabby looking hospital, it looked like it had been converted from an elementary school. I have no idea why I was there, but I was in the hall, and I noticed someone stealing an infant - it was winter, and cold, and snowing, and this dark haired person just walked right out of the hospital with a naked infant in their arms, and no one stopped them. I tried to report it to the authorities, but no one would believe me. Until the next morning, when people noticed that a baby was gone.  Then the people I tried to report it to got mad at me, and tried to shut me up.

I woke up this morning and kinda laughed it off as just a weird dream, told Sebastian about it ... and then realized something that I had been trying to bury for the last few days.  I obviously didn't bury it very well.

Last year's post: I Will Always Love You

(And for anyone who wants the longer version, check out She Part 1 and She Part 2 ... which reminds me I never wrote Part 3 ...)

It is the third anniversary of two wonderful little boys coming into my life; two wonderful little boys that I would only get to know for a short time before they moved on again.

It is getting easier to think of them, to remember them, but the hurt is still there, and very deep.

Boys, wherever you are, I hope life has been gentle with you, and you are blossoming into the wonderful people that I know you can be.  You are 6 and 7 now; I wish I could see you and know you, sing you to sleep again.  I still miss you, and I will always love you ...

When the boys first came to us, I knew a couple of Russian lullabies, and obviously some in English, but "Stairway to Heaven" was the one guaranteed way to get the little one, my little monkey man, to fall asleep in my arms.

Werewolves and nightmares

By the time I got to bed Thursday night, I had been awake for roughly 42 hours straight.  Of course, I was completely wired by the sleep deprivation  and the testing (which I can describe later - I need to purge this out of my head first).  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to sleep after all that, so I popped a couple of melatonin tablets (an herbal sleep aid which I have used before).

I laid down around 2300, and even then it took until into early Friday morning to actually fall asleep.  When I did finally make it to sleep, it was a restless sleep, punctuated by dreams.  Nightmares, actually.  The kind of nightmares that linger on after you are awake, even though you *know* they aren't real, you find yourself looking around, turning on lights, with a hovering sense on unease.  A day and a bit later, (and well rested) I still can't completely shake it.

Usually, when I have a nightmare, I can roll over to my other side and the dreams will either banish, or switch to pleasant ones.  Not this one.  I rolled over - the dream came back.  I got up for some water and a pee - the dream came back.  Every time I closed my eyes and started to drift off, the dream came back.

I don't remember every detail, but I remember parts vividly.  I know I was in a bar, not a bar I know, the typical "roadhouse" type bar you see in movies - long and low.  There was a definite reddish cast to the whole dream, and this roadhouse seemed to be in the middle of no-where (of course); a splash of red light in the middle of the dark night.

I don't recall being with anyone I knew in the dream, I was just in the bar.  There were a number of other people in the bar, and I somehow *knew* that many of them were werewolves, even though they were in human form.  Not the warm, fuzzy, socially conscious type werewolves that have been made popular in modern fiction; not they type that blend well with society and eat burgers.  No, these were the "older" type of werewolves, the kind that see humans as toys, prey, and/or food.  Werewolves with bad attitudes.

Sure enough, things went downhill, and the werewolves decided to (for lack of a better term) start a brawl.  It gets a bit fuzzy in my memory, but somehow I ended up in the vestibule of the roadhouse with three young male and really aggressive werewolves (still in human form - they never did "change").

I was fighting back, but I knew they were toying with me, and I knew I was toast.  I suddenly remembered (?) that I had a pistol with me, and silver bullets (its a dream, people.  It doesn't have to make sense).  So I pulled out my trusty pistol and put a silver bullet in the middle of the forehead of the werewolf closest to me ... who smiled, and kept coming for me.  I paniced and fired at the other two ... 

and woke up.

Woke up completely creeped out, and nervous.  Turned on the lights, looked around, tried to calm down.  Looked at the clock - 0300.

Eventually calmed down enough to try sleep again, and finally made it into a dreamless, restful sleep, until about 0630.  I hadn't set my alarm, but I don't "sleep in" well.  Made it through Friday OK, but the dream has continued to rear itself up from my sub-conscious when I am not expecting it - scenes will flash in my mind with no warning.  Went to bed last night around midnight (no melatonin) and had a dreamless sleep.  But the werewolves are still there, just under the surface.

No idea where to even start trying to figure out the symbolism on this one, what my sub-conscious is trying to tell me.  Honestly, just hoping that putting it all on paper will get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening. ♥

Dragon Dreams

I have long had a problem with insomnia, so I have a selection of meditation CDs that I use to fall asleep at night.  Often when I am in the half awake ~ half asleep state I have lucid dreams which help me process the days events or give me guidance.  Sometimes I even hear very specific messages, which have so far turned out to be accurate.

When I was a child, these things scared me, (I had accurately predicted the deaths of some people I loved, and some pets) and I blocked them out, but I am now more mature, and I am inviting them back into my life.  I have also learned the "feel" of the lucid dreams/messages vs. the random wanderings of my subconscious and my imagination.

Often the lucid dreams are very clear and blunt; either spoken sentences, dates, etc., or at least messages of reassurance.  While meditating a few weeks ago on the situation with Sebastian, what to do, etc., I got the very clear message "We're gonna be OK".

Sometimes, though, the lucid dreams are just plain weird.

Last night I dreamed of white dragons.  White dragons made of paper, long serpentine Chinese style dragons, and they were mouthing at my forearms.  Not biting, really, just mouthing at me, like a black lab that wants to play will put its mouth around you and "chew" a bit.  A soft bite dragon??

It had the feel of a lucid dream, but certainly wasn't as clear or as blunt as I have gotten used to lately.  I have tried looking up white dragons, and learned that to the Chinese the symbolize the west and death (we're gonna ignore that one), but most sites are a variation of this theme:

To dream of a dragon, denotes that you allow yourself to be governed by your passions, and that you are likely to place yourself in the power of your enemies through those outbursts of sardonic tendencies. You should be warned by this dream to cultivate self-control.

from http://www.paranormality.com/dream_dictionary_d.shtml

I am not sure what message I am to take from this.  This interpretation isn't ringing very true for me, not speaking to me the way things often do when I look them up.

Maybe it was just a dream.

Maybe it was the Moroccan Stew, and the entirely too much coffee with Kahlua and Coconut Rum.