I miss him ...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Argh!
Sebastian has no access to MSN or e-mail where he is right now, but for some reason can get on FaceBook ... so for some reason, I CAN'T get on FaceBook!!!
Mr Murphy, I had been having a pretty decent day up until now! I have noticed you. Will you please go away again for a while?
Mr Murphy, I had been having a pretty decent day up until now! I have noticed you. Will you please go away again for a while?
Fall Leaves
One of the things I have been doing for Sebastian since he has been gone is to pick leaves off maple trees and press them, and send them to him. (Shhhh, don't tell CFIA - this is likely, technically, illegal!) When they are away in a place that doesn't give them the rhythm of the changing seasons, it is another nice little connection to home.
I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card. I continued as the leaves matured and grew. Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.
I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow.
And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack. What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees?? I can't press snowflakes! I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).
What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?
I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card. I continued as the leaves matured and grew. Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.
I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow.
And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack. What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees?? I can't press snowflakes! I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).
What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Perspectives: Amish & Bridges
An interesting little story was relayed to me by my seat-mate at a conference I attended last week. It just goes to show that there are always things outside our normal frame of reference that we don't consider.
The gentleman I was talking with, McL, works for a large, well recognized international fishing organization. The area where I work has a very large population of Amish and Mennonites, of various sects. He was looking to gain access to the people's lands to do some survey work on the watercourses crossing their properties.
McL knew that the way into these communities was to approach 2 or 3 of the community leaders, speak with them, and then go away until a Sunday or 2 had passed and the issue could be discussed at church. Then, when you drive in the driveway, everyone knows who you are and what you want before you even make it out of your car.
After doing his background work, he waited until the next week and then started visiting farms. At one location, he claims he was barely out of his car when the landowner, and older farmer, had offered up 1/2 an acre on two of his properties to create parking lots for anglers, and would even be amenable to creating a trail along the creeks.
McL was startled by this offer, and asked the farmer why he would want to do that.
The farmer responded that anglers make travel very dangerous for anyone travelling by horse and buggy. You see, the anglers park at the bridges, and walk along the creeks to where they want to fish. Horse & buggies usually travel on the shoulder of the road, to stay out of conflict with cars and trucks. The anglers parked on the shoulder mean that the horse and buggies need to be out in the stream of traffic, at their slower pace, for even longer, to cross the bridge. Occasionally this causes traffic to be annoyed by slowing down for them, but more often the problem results from feed trucks or other larger vehicles using the downslope to the bridge, in a valley, to gain speed to make it up the other side.
McL sat for awhile after his conversation with the farmer and just watched the bridge, and the road. He timed it, and from a large truck at highway speed cresting the top of the hill, to them being on the bridge, was an average of 7 seconds. Barely enough time for a horse and buggy to clear the bridge, let alone pass some parked cars as well.
So, in partnership with the larger organization, some local fishing and conservation clubs, and the landowners, there are now a series of small parking lots, with garbage cans, and some basic trails popping up along our local streams and creeks. There have also been trees planted to designate the parking areas, and shade the creeks.
Along with, maybe, a new found understanding of issues we hadn't thought of before.
The gentleman I was talking with, McL, works for a large, well recognized international fishing organization. The area where I work has a very large population of Amish and Mennonites, of various sects. He was looking to gain access to the people's lands to do some survey work on the watercourses crossing their properties.
McL knew that the way into these communities was to approach 2 or 3 of the community leaders, speak with them, and then go away until a Sunday or 2 had passed and the issue could be discussed at church. Then, when you drive in the driveway, everyone knows who you are and what you want before you even make it out of your car.
After doing his background work, he waited until the next week and then started visiting farms. At one location, he claims he was barely out of his car when the landowner, and older farmer, had offered up 1/2 an acre on two of his properties to create parking lots for anglers, and would even be amenable to creating a trail along the creeks.
McL was startled by this offer, and asked the farmer why he would want to do that.
The farmer responded that anglers make travel very dangerous for anyone travelling by horse and buggy. You see, the anglers park at the bridges, and walk along the creeks to where they want to fish. Horse & buggies usually travel on the shoulder of the road, to stay out of conflict with cars and trucks. The anglers parked on the shoulder mean that the horse and buggies need to be out in the stream of traffic, at their slower pace, for even longer, to cross the bridge. Occasionally this causes traffic to be annoyed by slowing down for them, but more often the problem results from feed trucks or other larger vehicles using the downslope to the bridge, in a valley, to gain speed to make it up the other side.
McL sat for awhile after his conversation with the farmer and just watched the bridge, and the road. He timed it, and from a large truck at highway speed cresting the top of the hill, to them being on the bridge, was an average of 7 seconds. Barely enough time for a horse and buggy to clear the bridge, let alone pass some parked cars as well.
So, in partnership with the larger organization, some local fishing and conservation clubs, and the landowners, there are now a series of small parking lots, with garbage cans, and some basic trails popping up along our local streams and creeks. There have also been trees planted to designate the parking areas, and shade the creeks.
Along with, maybe, a new found understanding of issues we hadn't thought of before.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Big Dog: the final (?) installment
Big Dog came over Friday night to pick up some things I had been storing for him, (he had been in the middle of a move).
He didn't speak to me while we loaded his things. When we were done, he stopped in front of me, and said "I never meant to hurt your feelings. But I like to drink. And I guess I am choosing that over our friendship". With that, he turned around, walked to his vehicle, and drove away.
And left me standing in my driveway, mourning the loss of a friendship.
He didn't speak to me while we loaded his things. When we were done, he stopped in front of me, and said "I never meant to hurt your feelings. But I like to drink. And I guess I am choosing that over our friendship". With that, he turned around, walked to his vehicle, and drove away.
And left me standing in my driveway, mourning the loss of a friendship.
Monday Musings
Between technical issues at his end, time shifts, and the reality of the job, Sebastian hasn't been able to be in much contact lately. MSN and e-mail are not working from the place he currently has access to. I did get a FB message this morning, the first contact in a while. And man, was I missing contact! So while not what I would like, better than nothing. And it makes me even more glad I have been good about regular mail and parcels.
One of our legion members is a psychic. She brought in some cards yesterday, for the other bartender (my room-mate) to use. They were sitting on the bar for a while; I asked if I could use them. I spread them the way my mom taught me, called Sebastian to mind, and ran my hand back and forth above them until one called out to me. I pulled out the "soulmate" card from the deck.
The lady then suggested I pull 5 cards out. I spread the cards again, and pulled. The cards all had the general theme of moving through adversity, perserverence, discarding the negative, and surrounding yourself with only positive people.
The solitary card brought a smile to my heart. Like a hug from the powers that be. And the 5 card pull wasn't exactly telling me anything I didn't already know.
I am not entirely convinced that I believe in the power of cards to "tell my fortune". What I do whole heartedly believe is that things like that can give you a slightly different way to think about something that is concerning you, maybe tweak your thought process a bit to give you a new perspective, or some reassurance. It gives you "permission" to listen to your intuition, your inner voice, instead of your rational brain, which sometimes isn't that rational at all.
~~~~~~~~~
One of our legion members is a psychic. She brought in some cards yesterday, for the other bartender (my room-mate) to use. They were sitting on the bar for a while; I asked if I could use them. I spread them the way my mom taught me, called Sebastian to mind, and ran my hand back and forth above them until one called out to me. I pulled out the "soulmate" card from the deck.
The lady then suggested I pull 5 cards out. I spread the cards again, and pulled. The cards all had the general theme of moving through adversity, perserverence, discarding the negative, and surrounding yourself with only positive people.
The solitary card brought a smile to my heart. Like a hug from the powers that be. And the 5 card pull wasn't exactly telling me anything I didn't already know.
I am not entirely convinced that I believe in the power of cards to "tell my fortune". What I do whole heartedly believe is that things like that can give you a slightly different way to think about something that is concerning you, maybe tweak your thought process a bit to give you a new perspective, or some reassurance. It gives you "permission" to listen to your intuition, your inner voice, instead of your rational brain, which sometimes isn't that rational at all.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Further thoughts on the end of a friendship
I am still sad about the way the friendship with Big Dog seems to have ended. TW and I have had soem good chats about why I feel the way I do. (TW realized the "down side" much earlier than I did, and has been able to emotionally keep her distance, and her perspective, much better)
Thoughts, in no particular order:
Because my mother needed me to mother her, instead of being able to be one to me, I have been "trained" to mother, so the self destructive qualities in Big Dog were soemthing that brought out that mothering instinct, the need to care for and help, and that filled a need in me that is part of who I am, but is not necessarily, in this case, expressed in a healthy way.
I am sad that a good man is destroying himself, and the potential that exists in him. It hurts because I love him; but I love myself enough to not force myself to be part of it, to have a front row seat, and to enable it.
If I am honest with myself, I was enabling him, as do many of his friends ~ we take his keys, we make excuses, we put up with his abusive behaviour. I am not part of this any more.
I am not sad that I couldn't "fix him", which is actually a pretty big step for me. I tend to feel that things are my responsibility to fix (you know, little things like world peace, climate change, and alchoholism ...). The fact that I am not angry with myself for "failing" to fix him, or feeling guilty, is actually a positive.
TW tried to throw that "everyone comes into our lives for a reason" BS at me (sorry TW if you are reading this) but I really don't believe that. Yes, I may have learned things from this friendship, but I believe sometimes people just cross our paths because they are there. We can choose to learn from the enounters we have, but I don't believe that every individual is "sent to us" by the universe or the powers that be for a reason.
Today's ramblings.
Take care of each other, kittens. Its a tough world out there.
Thoughts, in no particular order:
Because my mother needed me to mother her, instead of being able to be one to me, I have been "trained" to mother, so the self destructive qualities in Big Dog were soemthing that brought out that mothering instinct, the need to care for and help, and that filled a need in me that is part of who I am, but is not necessarily, in this case, expressed in a healthy way.
I am sad that a good man is destroying himself, and the potential that exists in him. It hurts because I love him; but I love myself enough to not force myself to be part of it, to have a front row seat, and to enable it.
If I am honest with myself, I was enabling him, as do many of his friends ~ we take his keys, we make excuses, we put up with his abusive behaviour. I am not part of this any more.
I am not sad that I couldn't "fix him", which is actually a pretty big step for me. I tend to feel that things are my responsibility to fix (you know, little things like world peace, climate change, and alchoholism ...). The fact that I am not angry with myself for "failing" to fix him, or feeling guilty, is actually a positive.
TW tried to throw that "everyone comes into our lives for a reason" BS at me (sorry TW if you are reading this) but I really don't believe that. Yes, I may have learned things from this friendship, but I believe sometimes people just cross our paths because they are there. We can choose to learn from the enounters we have, but I don't believe that every individual is "sent to us" by the universe or the powers that be for a reason.
Today's ramblings.
Take care of each other, kittens. Its a tough world out there.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Aw, shite.
I am pretty sure I "broke up with" a friend last night. The writing has been on the wall for this particular friendship for a while. I am a bit sad that the friendship had to end; I am much more upset about the way it ended. This is one of the relationships I was alluding to the other day.
I have a friend, Big Dog, I have mentioned him before. He is one of my "biker friends". He has been described by many as having "a heart of gold, and a big mouth". Unfortunately, he also has a drinking problem.
Big Dog and his wife separated in February. TW and I met him, or became friends with him at least, in April. He is funny, entertaining, smart, and considerate. When he is sober. When he drinks, he hits a tipping point wher he becomes beligerant, rude, and prone to poor choices.
There have been a couple of instances lately where the group has been at some fun events, and some of the fun has gone out of the day when Big Dog hits hit tipping point. Yesterday was the third day like that in the last 4 weeks.
It was another charity ball tourney. I had to bar tend at the legion for a different event, so I briefly stopped at the ball park in the morning, then went to work, and got back around 4 pm. By this point Big Dog was already well on his way to drunk.
Someone else had already taken his keys, but I know that he keep a second set in his truck, so I went and got the second set. When he discovered this, he got quite angry, but seemed to cool off. We all went back to the banquet, he continued to drink, but also had some food, and seemed to settle a bit. At this point he decided he was fine to drive home. I insisted on driving him home (I rarely drink, and hadn't drank at all yesterday). Someone else who was sober was going to follow me, and bring me back to the event for my truck.
All was fine ... until we got to his truck. Big Dog stood out side the driver's door and refused to get into the passenger seat. He began yeilling and swearing at me; I started to walk away, but the fellow who was going to drive me home came over and started yelling and swearing back. Big Dog eventually got in the passenger seat, but didn't speak to me for the ride home.
I know this has been evolving into a toxic freindship. I know I had to create some distance anyway, but I was hoping it could be done in a more friendly manner.
I hope that Big Dog's time knowing TW and I has planted a seed somewhere in his brain that he is a good man, worthy of good treatement, and that he deserves to be happy. I don't think those are messages he learned during his marriage. Hopefully, when he quits over watering himself, those seeds will have a chance to bloom.
I have a friend, Big Dog, I have mentioned him before. He is one of my "biker friends". He has been described by many as having "a heart of gold, and a big mouth". Unfortunately, he also has a drinking problem.
Big Dog and his wife separated in February. TW and I met him, or became friends with him at least, in April. He is funny, entertaining, smart, and considerate. When he is sober. When he drinks, he hits a tipping point wher he becomes beligerant, rude, and prone to poor choices.
There have been a couple of instances lately where the group has been at some fun events, and some of the fun has gone out of the day when Big Dog hits hit tipping point. Yesterday was the third day like that in the last 4 weeks.
It was another charity ball tourney. I had to bar tend at the legion for a different event, so I briefly stopped at the ball park in the morning, then went to work, and got back around 4 pm. By this point Big Dog was already well on his way to drunk.
Someone else had already taken his keys, but I know that he keep a second set in his truck, so I went and got the second set. When he discovered this, he got quite angry, but seemed to cool off. We all went back to the banquet, he continued to drink, but also had some food, and seemed to settle a bit. At this point he decided he was fine to drive home. I insisted on driving him home (I rarely drink, and hadn't drank at all yesterday). Someone else who was sober was going to follow me, and bring me back to the event for my truck.
All was fine ... until we got to his truck. Big Dog stood out side the driver's door and refused to get into the passenger seat. He began yeilling and swearing at me; I started to walk away, but the fellow who was going to drive me home came over and started yelling and swearing back. Big Dog eventually got in the passenger seat, but didn't speak to me for the ride home.
I know this has been evolving into a toxic freindship. I know I had to create some distance anyway, but I was hoping it could be done in a more friendly manner.
I hope that Big Dog's time knowing TW and I has planted a seed somewhere in his brain that he is a good man, worthy of good treatement, and that he deserves to be happy. I don't think those are messages he learned during his marriage. Hopefully, when he quits over watering himself, those seeds will have a chance to bloom.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Red Friday - Support the Troops
September 10, 1939 the Parliament of Canada declared war against the German Reich, marking the beginning of Canada's participation in the Second World War. The war officially began on September 1, 1939, with the German Invasion of Poland. Unlike in the First World War Canada was not automatically entered into conflict when Britain declared war, seven days prior. Canada also declared war on Italy (September 10, 1940), Japan (December 7, 1941), and other Axis powers. Canada's military was active in every theatre of war, though most battles occurred in Italy, Northern Europe, and the North Atlantic.From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canada_world_war_two .
Over the course of the war, 1.1 million Canadians served in the Army, Navy, and Air Force. Of these more than 45,000 lost their lives and another 54,000 were wounded. The financial cost was $21,786,077,519.12, between the 1939 and 1950 fiscal years. The suffering and the hardships of war affected many Canadians at home and abroad. By the end of the War, Canada had the world's fourth largest air force, and third largest navy. Additionally, the Canadian Merchant Navy completed over 25,000 voyages across the Atlantic. Canadians also served in the militaries of various Allied countries.
September 10, 2001. To quote a friend, the last day of our collective innocence in North America. The following day would bring to us horror and betrayal we could never have imagined, changing our lives forever.
September 10, 2010. While our heart are heavy with the rememberance of tomorrow's anniversary, for many of us our hearts and minds are also heavy wondering what tomorrow will bring, and if the actions of a preacher in Florida will cause increased danger to our loved ones in uniform.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Stress relief
In addition to the brain puke I had here a few minutes ago, I just found out that one of my favorite bosses has been diagnosed with cancer. It was not caught early, and has spread to other parts of his system.
Fucking cancer. I hate it.
Time for some stress relief, and happier thoughts. Things to do:
Go break some clay. (Yes, this is actually a photo of me, ripped off from inspired by a photo Brigid had up over at Home on the Range )
Climb a tree. (Although a Giant Sequoia might be a bit ambitious.)
I'm doing it again ...
I am living up to other people's expectations.
I am not saying what I really think and feel, what I really want, because I don't want to rock the boat; I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
But inside, I am screaming; wailing, weeping, and hurting.
I know I need to honour my own feelings, my own needs, and not bury them under the needs of others.
I just can't find the balls to do it.
What is it that makes me crave the validation, the approval of others so much, that I will bury my true self to get it? I have theories on that, but not solutions.
There needs to be some changes made around here. I am close to the edge again, and I need to figure out how to pull myself back.
I am not saying what I really think and feel, what I really want, because I don't want to rock the boat; I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
But inside, I am screaming; wailing, weeping, and hurting.
I know I need to honour my own feelings, my own needs, and not bury them under the needs of others.
I just can't find the balls to do it.
What is it that makes me crave the validation, the approval of others so much, that I will bury my true self to get it? I have theories on that, but not solutions.
There needs to be some changes made around here. I am close to the edge again, and I need to figure out how to pull myself back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)