I am living up to other people's expectations.
I am not saying what I really think and feel, what I really want, because I don't want to rock the boat; I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
But inside, I am screaming; wailing, weeping, and hurting.
I know I need to honour my own feelings, my own needs, and not bury them under the needs of others.
I just can't find the balls to do it.
What is it that makes me crave the validation, the approval of others so much, that I will bury my true self to get it? I have theories on that, but not solutions.
There needs to be some changes made around here. I am close to the edge again, and I need to figure out how to pull myself back.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
3 comments:
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The simplest thing is to just do it. Easier said than done, I know. But walking your own road might alienate some, but do you need those people around you. Anyway, you will be upset as it is for laying down and submitting. So if you are gonna be upset, let it be because you did what you wanted regardless of everyone else. It is actually a good feeling.
ReplyDeleteTo start with you will have feelings of guilt and will want to apologize. But as you grow and develop your own world, it will get easier and you will be happier. Let others come around to your way of thinking or needs.
Bill is in the mail.
thanks for your comment, I assure you that my term soldier is generic and should represent anyone in harm's way. Your blog is interesting, I will be back to explore more.
ReplyDeleteThings have changed radically for me this year, starting with a grown-women bullying mean-girl thing that happened at my kids school. Finally I had enough skills/guts to see it, extricate myself, and step aside, without making a fuss to anyone else so that the incident is almost without ripples (except the "mean girls" and I ignore each other).
ReplyDeleteI quit trying to make things work with my 75 yr old dad, who makes messes and then waits for me (and my sisters) to come around. I've quit coming around and he can make amends if he wants ...
Next, I blogged about my school bully ... and she recently found it (!) and commented ... with an apology (!)
In the middle of this all, I clearly told my mother she can't bully me anymore when she was giving it her all. I've been stopping her in her tracks all year but this one day, it all became too tedious so I told her plainly, calmly, solidly.
Why am I telling you this? I am where where you are, in my own way. If you prep yourself, the changes come. Forty three seems to be the age that I stop looking to anyone but myself for validation, approval and a twisted kind of power and stand tall. Best wishes to you on your journey ... it sounds like you are on your way.