Thank goodness for older (wiser) brothers.

One of the side effects of my scar tissue on my brain is that my sense of elapsed time is messed.  In my head, everything in the past is virtually yesterday, and everything in the future is tomorrow.

If the rumours are correct, I will be given notice in September that my current position will end March 31st.

Which, as my darling older brother pointed out, is not actually tomorrow.  I really don't have to have my plan in place by tomorrow night.  I can take some time to think.  To research and to plan.

After all, the job market sucks at the beginning of summer, when everyone has access to student labour.

I am writing that down so I can remember it.  I may post it on my bathroom mirror, too, just to be safe.

A ship in harbour ...

A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

John A Shedd, 1928

As I mentioned before Sebastian has a few unresolved issues from his last tour, and we hope one of them will be resolved in the next month or so.  He was talking to his CO about it the other day, and if the outcome is the one we are hoping for, S asked to be re-deployed to the sand, to finish some business he considers unfinished.

If it happened, it would be his 5th deployment to the sand.  Which is one thing.  But then he added himself "My CO thinks I'm crazy - he knows my luck has to run out sometime."

I *know* this is his job.  I know this is part of what makes him who he is.  And I know that if it wasn't that particular sandbox, it would be somewhere else.  But damnit, he hasn't even been home for a year yet.  And I know that the changes to Canada's role in Afghanistan, and the PR that is being released through our government, is meant to reassure the general public that our soldiers who are still there are in a lot less danger.

I am not the gerenal public.  I am not that easily soothed.

I also *know* he talked like this before he went last time ... and came back unharmed.  I *know* soldiers do this.

But it still sucks.  Big, at the moment.  And I *know* that is part of this life, too. 

Just like I *know* I shouldn't borrow trouble by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.  And if it's going to happen, it will take a while to make it happen.

~sigh~

I *know* so much, you think I'd be able to deal, eh?

I'll be OK.  I just needed to vent.  And snuggle my bear ...

Rights ...

Disclaimer:  I really try to keep my comments on other people's blogs, and on chat boards, polite, non-confrontational, and moderate.  But that means I get to come here and say what I really think.

I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments.  As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content.  Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong.  I enjoy honest, respectful debate.

I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person.  She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons.  He husband is aware of her unhappiness.  I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.

The subject of sex between them came up.  She is not interested in having sex with this man.  On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"

I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me.  I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.

My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."

Some of the other readers disagree with me.  I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll.  But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.

Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to.  He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body". 

That line has haunted me since he said it.

Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said.  I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he.  I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line.  He pushed me away, and rolled over.  I doubt either of us slept much.

In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right.  A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.

The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.

The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant.  No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to.  You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.

For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that.  He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me.  That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still.  That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.

So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!

(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened.  I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed.  Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)

Date nerves on steriods ....

OMG.

We have a "firm" date that Sebastian should be home on leave, and it is coming up in that awful/wonderful fast/slow way these things do.

I need to loose weight.
I need to clean my house.
I need to get a bunch of work stuff done so I can take off for a while.
I need him in front of me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I can touch him and know he's OK.

*breathe*

OK

This is like first date anxiety times 10.  Most of my "relationship" with Sebastian has been on MSN and web cam.  Admittedy, he has seen me on web cam looking pretty horrid - in my PJ's, fresh out of the shower and un-groomed; after a workout, hair in a pony and needing a shower .... but OMG, to be with him.

I know he is not going to care, that our friendship/relationship is not based on how hot I look (or don't), but still, my tummy is all butterflies right now ...

*breathe*

I know, like a lot of things, the anticipation is stressful, and once the event gets here ... as soon as I touch him ... everything will be fine.

I just have to make it until then

*breathe*

There are a couple of things going on right now that make this reunion a bit more important, and a bit more loaded.  Things I can't talk about right now, but things that are on both our minds, things that I am sure will work out for the best, it is just not obvious right now what "the best" is, or how sucky the trip there is going to be.

*breathe*

Stress relief

In addition to the brain puke I had here a few minutes ago, I just found out that one of my favorite bosses has been diagnosed with cancer.  It was not caught early, and has spread to other parts of his system.

Fucking cancer.  I hate it.

Time for some stress relief, and happier thoughts.  Things to do:

Go break some clay.  (Yes, this is actually a photo of me, ripped off from inspired by a photo Brigid had up over at Home on the Range )

Go drive real fast, to the lovely rhythm of an American V-twin engine

Climb a tree.  (Although a Giant Sequoia might be a bit ambitious.)

Hug a puppy.

Stop and smell the roses ...

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.

Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)

I am blessed (or spoiled)

It has been a weekend of friendship, family, and caring.

Friday evening I went and watched the Wolf's niece compete in the Sears Drama Festival for Secondary School students. Their "team" was in both the "student written" and "professionally written" categories. I was truly impressed by the talent of the students; both in their acting and staging of the plays, and in the depth of insight into the realities of their own lives shown by the writing in the student written play, and the choice of material for the professionally written play entry.

The Wolf's sister in law was prying a bit, trying to get me to tell her some things that I really don't think she needs to know. It left little cracks in my armour, and during what started as a "casual" conversation Saturday morning between TW and I, the wall came down and I let out some things that had been festering, things the Wolf had done the last time he was home on leave, that I hadn't admitted to anyone else. There were tears, comfort, and healing.

Saturday evening I was out at a banquet with some work collegues who have also became friends. They know the story of the last few months, and were caring and gentle while assuring that I had fun too, and felt included. They are genuinely good people, and I enjoyed my evening.

Today, the weather here is dull and grey, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was chatting with Sebastian on web-cam, and said that on days like this I really missed having someone to just lay on the sofa with and snuggle, and watch movies. We chatted a little more, then he sent me a web link to a site with some amazing photos and videos, and we spent the next hour and a half or so looking at photos and watching videos "together".

I am truly blessed to have so many friends, so many positive influences, and so many caring people in my life, both the ones mentiones above and others. That also includes all of you dear people who come and leave me comments, and who share your lives with me through your own blogs.

I may be insane.

My friend Sebastian and I have been talking a lot lately.  Sebastian was my rock after things went south with the Wolf.  Sebastian is a PTSD survivor, an amateur student of psychology and human behaviour, and has his head on straight.

In the last few weeks, we have been spending 2-3 hours a night, more nights than not, on web-cam conversations.  Texting each other during the day.  Talking about EVERYTHING.  We really connect on a lot of things.

Lately we have been flirting a bit, and also talking more seriously about what we want/need in a partner, a relationship, etc.  We seem to share a lot of ideas, morals, beliefs, attitudes ...

I don't know if I am ready to even think about another relationship yet.  Ready to give myself completely.  I honestly think I did most of my mourning of the relationship with the Wolf before I finally "gave in and gave up"..  But I don't want to rush into anything else, and screw up something that might have potential.  Or hurt him either, since he is someone who is very important to me as a friend.  I am afraid to act, and afraid to not act.

Oh, and not only is Sebastian a soldier, he deploys in a couple of months, for approx 10 months, and on a mission that even has him scared.

What the hell am I thinking?????

Sunday ramblings

I started my day at a fund raising "turkey shoot" or target shoot.  I was "in the hole" for the event - in a little shot proof booth, switching targets for the shooters.  I don't think it is good for me, in my line of work, that after roughly 240 shots incoming, I was completely used to the sound of the actions closing, the shots fired, and the pellet spray ... not something I really want to get complacent with!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that, TW and I took the fur children for a 2 hour hike - it was absolutely gorgeous out!

Oh, and I want to live here:

because it looks out over this view:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night the Lunatic and I attended an event that I have renamed "Meat-a-palooza" - the annual conservation fundraiser at the local rod and gun club.  Three courses of wild game, each prepared a different way, 12 wild game dishes per course, plus potatoes and veggies for anyone who wants them.  Preceeded, of course, by wild game appetizers.  A licenced event.

Can you say "meat coma", boys and girls?  My tummy was a bit rumbly this morning.  I think my protein chakra overfloweth ...  So today I have eaten salad, and an apple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lunatic and I were discussing the last few months, and my mental state.  I said I felt like I was finally getting back to my old self.  Lunatic said "No! Don't go backwards to your old self, go forward to your new self - learn from this, and become the person you are supposed to be".  I really found that a powerful sentence, and like the way he summed it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was looking at the list I wrote the other day, about what I would want in an ideal partner.  I thought about the list in relation to the Wolf; who he has been this last year or so, as opposed to the historical him, or the idealized version of him that I had created in my mind ... and he didn't stack up so well against the list.  I could honestly only say "yes" to about 7 of the points, with a "maybe" for a couple more ... and some of the "no"s were biggies ...

It also occured to me that the post title I used when I faced reality within my online community ~ "We're Done" ~ was the exact same phrase the Wolf used with me the day before he left for the sanbox; words it took me 4 months to accept; to claim and make my own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the world keeps turning 'round ...

May you live in interesting times

This is shaping up to be one of those freakin' weeks. Because really, I need something else to think about.

I went to the doctor last night for the results of an ultrasounds I had 3 weeks ago. I was a bit suspicious of what the results were going to be. The tech spent an awful lot of time in the vicinity of my left ovary, obviously measuring something. I have had enough ultrasounds to recognize some of their "movements".

Normally I am not a big worry wart over health related issues. I have a number of medical conditions, but none of them are life threatening. Odds are good, based on my history to date, that I will live to be a very old, feisty broad. I also have a fairly well developed awareness of my own body. I have felt that "something" was going on in my tummy or abdominal region for a while, but a number of "specialists" have assured me it was nothing to be concerned about, and I believed that.

It kept nagging at the back of my head, however, that when we had the cancer scare with the Wolf back in July/August, that I had at one point tried to make a deal with the powers that be. I had passionately asked them to make the spots on the Wolf's left lung not be cancer after all, and to give it to me instead if they wanted; I had the time, and the attitude, to deal with it, and he obviously did not. I am aware that the Powers that Be don't tend to work on those kind of deals, but I was a bit desperate at that point.

I sat down in the doctor's chair last night and she looked at me and said straight out "You likely realize they found something".

"Mmmm hmmmm"(I am quite well spoken when I am stressed)

She then turned the computer screen to me so I could read the report myself. Which, since I am a forester not a doctor, was only mildly helpful.

I have a cyst on my left ovary that is 1.9 cm x 1.4 cm x 1.0 cm. It has some internal divisions, but no "suspicious free fluid". I talked to the doc a bit, and the chances of it being cancer are very, very low. The concern for her is that it might rupture, which will be incredibly painful, and may have unfortunate complications. I have had an ovarian cyst rupture before, so I can vouch for the very painful part. The doc who saw me then, when I had said I was afraid my appendix had ruptured, replied "Oh no, your appendix wouldn't hurt nearly this badly". Joy.

I go back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound (internal) to see if it has changed, grown, shrunk, whatever; then we decide what to do about it. I have, of course, been on Mayo Clinic's Web site and similar trustworthy sites. I can see that as she said, the risk of it being cancer based on my age, the characteristics of the cyst, etc., are low. But then again, they had told the Wolf there was a 90% chance he did have cancer, and then decided he didn't ...

So yes, the brain demons are circling again. I am not, really, as worried about the slight risk of cancer, but I am concerned about the cyst rupturing. I know how painful that is, and I know it will take me out of commission for a while. I seriously don't have time to be sick right now.

And last time I had a cyst rupture my daddy picked me up, took me to the hospital, and looked after me. What am I going to do without my daddy if it ruptures?? (OK, that was just pouting. I will be fine, I do have good people here to look after me. I just had to get that out)

Coming out of the closet.

Only my closest friends (and you , gentle readers) have know the whole truth about what has been going on with the Wolf these last few months.  After the weekend, and where my head is now, I have "come out of the closet" about it.

I told one person at the legion where I bar tend (my manager). I told her I wasn't broadcasting the news, but I wanted her to know; and as I expected in a small village, an hour and a half later I was at the local café and someone came up to me to offer their sympathy.  I find that mildly amusing, but I am OK with it; I expected it, and it is easier than having to tell people myself.

I also referred to the Wolf out loud in public last night as "my ex".  It felt really strange to say it.

Earlier in the day I had posted about it on a MilSpouse chat forum I belong to.  The folks there have been nothgin but fully supportive.

All of this is a really strange combination of incredibly painful (facing reality) and strangely liberating, like a wieght has been lifted of my shoulders.

Perspective

Sometimes life hands you perspective along with a good smack up side the head.

I won't go into details, but I have a few friends right now that are going through some hard things.  It has been making me less patient with both myself, and with the Wolf.  I am in pain over the long term consequences of some of these things, and I am lashing out a bit in response.

Yep, I've been through some crap in my life.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and deal.  I've done it before, I'll undoubtedly have to do it again.  I have reached out for, and received, help and support.  On I go, one step at a time.

Wolf?  Yep, you've had some shitty cards dealt to you along the way to.  It is now time to get your head out of your ass, accept the help that is being offered to you, or in some cases, in your own words "crammed down your throat".  Take some ownership of your life.  Deal with your issues.  Get over yourself.

I am not turning my back on the Wolf.  I am not cutting him loose.  I am, however, done making excuses for his behaviour, to myself or to anyone else.

Not sure how long this current state of mind is going to last, but its where I am today.

need to hermit

"I'll leave here in the morning

Slip away without a warning

Save a handclasp from the one

Who knows the call that leads me on

From the city's clang and clatter

Where a man the less won't matter

And no one here will think of me

Or care that I am gone"

Archie Fisher, Borderlands

I missed my hermitage this year.  And I think if has affected me more than I thought.

I usually manage to get away by myself for a few days at least every summer, to ground myself, reconnect with the earth, etc.  Last year I went camping, not totally by myself, but at least somewhere that I could pretend not to speak the language.  This year, I didn't make time for it.  I think I really miss it, and that might be part of why I feel so un-grounded now, so ..... scattered.

I think I have been sub consiously addressing this by pulling away, isolating myself, hunkering down in my apartment, and ignoring my friends ... not necissarily a healthy way to compensate.  Escaping into books, or into the virtual world.  My mind knows I need the alone time, but I am not expressing it in a healthy way.

I have been considering my options.  I have medical issues that make winter camping not a good idea, and cities are out since I need that nature/earth connection.  I have thought of hopping a plane to a warmer clime, but most warmer climes aren't safe for a woman alone, and I need to be alone for this.  Renting a cabin somewhere might be an option, since I can go out hiking and "being" during the day, but still have a place to be warm at night or when my body has had enough ...

I guess its true, you don't know sometimes how much you need something until you don't have it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry I have been "absent" lately.  I also haven't been keeping up with all your blogs the way I like to.  The IT folks at work made some changes to my laptop, and all it will do now is load the initial screen shot of most blog pages :-( .  I am working on ways to resolve the issue.  I hope to be back in touch soon ... maybe after I spend a while completely out of touch!

Calm like the forest

Fast like the wind

Calm like the forest

Conquering like the fire

Invincible like the mountains

The quote above, adapted from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War", is on a t-shirt the Wolf bought me when I went to see him when he was training at Dover AFB.

Snow is falling gently outside the window, and has been all day.  Very light snow, doesn't look like much.  Until I open the door and realize that *all day* has accumulated and I need to shovel the sidewalk again.

I am down today.  I can't put why into words, but sometimes I feel like I just can't hold it together any more. 

However, I came to a realization.  Words that my best friend's hubby said to me many years ago, but I have finally claimed as my own.

I will not appologize for loving with my whole heart, nor will I try to stop myself, hold myslef back.  It is part of who I am, what makes me me.

After yet another painful break up with a man, my friends were cautioning me against my habit of giving my heart completely, and quickly, when I enter a relationship.  They have seen me get hurt many times, and seek to save me from myself, because they love me, and don't want to see me hurt again.  PS sat and listened to their words, and then looked up at them and simply said "But that's what makes her who she is."  I can see that moment still as clear as day, tell you exactly where we were, etc.

I have finally claimed the truth of those words.  I do give my whole heart, unreservedly.  It is part of what makes me who I am, and I will not appologize for it, nor will I pretend to hold back.  I will love completely.  Like any gift, the recipient can choose what they do with a gift which is freely given.

Good night, one rough moment

I attended a fundraising and awards banquet tonight for a Provincial Hunting Organization I am both personally a member of, and that I professionally partner with on projects.

Being a typical hunting association banquet, there were about 14 guns there, shotguns for the most part, to be auctioned, raffled off etc.

I was raised around guns - my dad and uncle farmed together, and my dad was a cop.  We were taught that guns were tools, for a specific job, and only for that job.  We were also taught to treat all guns as if they were loaded, and always always always keep them pointed in a safe direction.

You will also recall, from Stalking stories part 2, that I have has a gun, a shotgun, pointed at me in anger, albeit almost 20 years ago now.

I was working on the door for the banquet tonight, and about 15' behind me was a raffle for a Remington 1100 G3 shotgun.  At one point I turned to look over my shoulder and was staring right down the barrel.  I called to a gentleman who was on the banquet committee and asked him to please move the gun a little, as it was upsetting me.  He turned it enough that it was no longer pointing at me. 

Unfortunately, the woman running that particular draw got upset, saying that he had "ruined' her display, and moved it back.  He explained why he did it; she replied she didn't care.  I did not have myself under good control at that point, and I explained to her, voice shaking and with tears in my eyes, that I have been on the wrong end of a gun pointed in anger, and it was really bothering me to have to stare down the barrel every time I looked behind me.  She said "get over it". (For those of you who know guns, the action was also closed, not open as a displayed gun should be, and it was not trigger locked.)  Even though I *knew* the gun was not loaded, I just couldn't handle having it pointed at me.

I went for a walk to get control of myself, and then stood at a different part of the door table so I was not in the direct path of the barrel.  The gentleman I had spoken with, much to his credit, without actually saying anything kept himself placed between me and the muzzle of the gun, to block my view, until I was done and went to take my place at our dinner table.

I realize my reaction was stronger than it should have been, but at the same time I think the other lady could have shown a bit of compassion in the situation.  We were talking about a roughly 5 degree angle change on the gun in its display stand.

Thinking long and hard ....

Something happened last night that is causing me to take a long, hard look at everything in my life, and try to find some balance.

I was running all day with various things, life is back in full swing after the holidays.  I had a light lunch.  I knew I had a night meeting in another town to go to, and I planned on stopping and grabbing some supper.

(Interesting side note: I have also managed to misplace my daytimer over the holidays, which is causing me to panic a bit, since *everything* is in there - I know I have something important to do next Wednesday, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is ...)

On my way in to grab supper, an oncoming driver rounded the corner, and part way through his turn he let his wheel straighten out - putting him on a path directly for the driver's door of my vehicle. I don't know if he was reaching for a CD, eating while driving -- I have no idea.  All I know is that I had my vehicle mostly on the boulevard to avoid him; at the last second he "came to" and jerked his vehicle violently back into his own lane.  But he was mere inches from hitting me.  I pulled into a parking spot and got control of myself, before continuing on.

So, was it coming close to a serious accident that has caused me to ponder my life?  Nope.  All that made me think, consciously, is that I really need to tidy my living room in case someone else needs to go into my house and find me stuff.  Keep reading.

Regaining my composure had cut into my dining time, so I grabbed a take-out sushi box from the grocery store, and ate it in the meeting.  After the meeting, the president of the club, who is also a good friend, asked me about the Wolf and how he was handling the recent casualties (not well - more about that later).

I drove home after the meeting and noticed, as I parked, that the legion was still open; which meant my good friend TW was bar tending.  I could use a friendly face so I went over.

Seventy five minutes later I had 9 oz of Jack Daniels in me.

Twenty minutes after that the JD, the sushi, and everything else was *ahem* out of me again.

Now there are a few things that those of you who don't know me in real life should know.  I rarely drink, and even more rarely do I drink to excess.  I haven't been drunk in public since college, and even then over 3 years I was only drunk in public 3 times.  On average I get drunk once a year, on our annual cottage trip, surrounded by people I trust completely.  And I NEVER drink when I am upset, only when I am happy.  I have NEVER thrown up from drinking before; nor have I ever blacked out.  (I do, unfortunately, remember all of last night)


So what the hell happened last night???  This was so very, very out of character for me.  What has me so out of balance that I would react like this?  Why did I think Dr Daniels was the appropriate therapist?

I have no answers for these questions, but it is telling me that I need to look at my life, and how I am dealing with things.  I'll keep you posted.

Things not to say, part ... ???

Kanani Fong, who recently was re-united with her hubs after he returned form a deployment in the sandbox as a surgeon, has written a post about one of the things returning veterans, and task force home front, have to face before, during, and after deployments.  Rude, and/or well meaning but ill informed, humans. Stupid questions and comments.


Kanani's post is much better written than mine, and generally this post was just to direct you to her blog.  

Of course, being me :-) I will add a few to her list of things not to say/ask.  Some of them will be repeats of things I have mentioned before.

• "you're not really a veteran.  That's just for WWI, WWII, and Viet Nam"
• "You're not really going to stay loyal to (your SO) while he is gone, are you?"
• "So, are you going to fly to (sandbox) and see him over Christmas?"
• "Wow, aren't you worried that he is going to get killed?"
• "Do you miss him?" (you don't need to ask this *every*time*you*see*me*)
• "How can you love/support someone who kills people for a living?" (Really.  From a clerk in a store.)
  

Tuesday's Update

I know, you have all been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear from me. LOL.

I went to my parent's for the weekend, to celebrate my dad's 83rd birthday. Go Dad!! So I wasn't on here much. Sorry.

Going to my parent's place is always an adventure. I have some issues with my mother.

Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.
Leon: My mother?
Holden: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about my mother.
[Leon shoots Holden with a gun he had pulled out under the table]

Blade Runner, 1982

Yep, that about sums up the relationship. My main thought this time around was "Good Lord woman will you just SHUT UP???" She really doesn't understand the concept of comfortable silence; and the more she chatters inanely, the more she annoys me. *sigh*


Generally it was a good weekend. I went there on Friday, and came back home on Monday. I got to hang with my dad a bit. It is hard, since he is starting to fail. He is on Oxygen 24 hours a day, and sleeps/naps a lot, but we had some visit time, and some good conversations. I do not know how much time together we have left, but I know that we are at peace with each other, and with what is to come. We are secure in the fact we love each other, which is a nice place to be.


I know I can only handle my mother in small doses, so I had made arrangements to meet up with the Wolf's sister-in-law for a visit, and to drop off some gifts for the munchkins "From the Wolf". See tomorrow's Wordless Wednesday for photos! (I apologize for no photos last week - my new laptop wouldn't talk to my card reader, but all is now well). The visit went really well, we talked about all kinds of things, and really connected more than we ever have before. We are usually out as a foursome with the Wolf and his brother, so it was nice to have some girl-bonding time.

I also spent Saturday with a friend. We went and watched her daughter play hockey, started our Christmas shopping, went out for supper, and then watched a movie at her place. I got back to the folk's place just in time to hit the sack. Excellent time management on our part!!

I actually had a wonderful time watching the hockey game. This was 7 & 8 year old novice girls, so not exactly NHL quality, but way more fun to watch! Now I wonder, in the NHL, does the goalie lie face down spread eagle on the floor while two assistants strap them into their pads, then grab them under the arms and stand them on their feet?? The girls did great at things like passing, clearing the puck, etc. They can also skate really well - some of those girls can really put the pedal down when needed! Still some things to work on - like passing to someone, but that will come in time, I'm sure. They gave it their all, and there were some very tired, sweaty, happy little girls at the end of the game.

I hope everyone else had a great weekend too, filled with love and giggles.

Just so you know ...