Rights ...

Disclaimer:  I really try to keep my comments on other people's blogs, and on chat boards, polite, non-confrontational, and moderate.  But that means I get to come here and say what I really think.

I respect all my readers, and I hope you know I appreciate all your comments.  As long as you keep them respectful, towards me and other readers, please disagree to your heart's content.  Write me a novel telling me why I am wrong.  I enjoy honest, respectful debate.

I read a blog of a person I feel close to in attitude, and sometimes in circumstance, although I have never met her in person.  She is in an unhappy marriage, but is staying in it, for her own reasons.  He husband is aware of her unhappiness.  I will not go into more detail, as it is her story, not mine.

The subject of sex between them came up.  She is not interested in having sex with this man.  On her personal blog, while debating it, she said: "He does, afterall, have a right to sex (with his wife)"

I gotta admit, that pushed a button for me.  I keep my personal baggage pretty well packed, but a snap on the suitcase popped when I read that line.

My comment I left was "No one has the "right to" have sex with you if you don't want to. No one. I don't give a rat's ass what the paperwork says. Nobody. Ever."

Some of the other readers disagree with me.  I am not going ot get into a pissing contest with anyone on her blog, because that's not how I roll.  But I need to get out the aftermath that has been in my head.

Near the end of our relationship, the last night we actually spent in each others company, to be precise, the Wolf was trying to "convince" me to do something I didn't want to.  He got a bit physical/forceful, and said to me "Just because (of something from my past), that doesn't give you the right to say no to me when I want to do something to your body". 

That line has haunted me since he said it.

Inintially, I was haunted because of what he said.  I had no come back at the time, I just froze, as did he.  I don't think he could even believe himself that he had crossed that line.  He pushed me away, and rolled over.  I doubt either of us slept much.

In the days that followed, it occurred to me that he was right.  A moment from my past does not give me the right to say no to him.

The fact that I am a human being with feelings, deserving of respect, and with control over my own body and mind, gives me the right to say no.

The fact that he and I were engaged; the fact that this other woman is married, is irrelevant.  No body has the right to make you do something, have sex, perform a certain way, if you don't want to.  You do not "owe it to" anyone, regardless of their relationship to you.

For me, and thinking about the incident with the Wolf again, I am sad that this man I loved, who I still believe somewhere in his soul loved me back, had gotten to so dark a place that he would say something like that.  He was the one that was supposed to protect me from the dark memories, not use them against me.  That he was capable of saying that to me ... haunts me still.  That he may believe it, not so much about me, but about himself ... also haunts me.

So that's where my head has been at the last couple of days ... good thing I usually have an office to myself, because some of my musical choices as of late have been interesting!

(End note: this is the first time this particular incident with the Wolf has seen the light of day since it happened.  I told one other individual about it, months later, and it was very briefly discussed.  Maybe, like other scabs, exposing it to light and air will help.)

Yes, my body is defective, and many of the things I choose to do carry the risk of getting hurt; I choose not to hide away, and to live anyway.



Yes, my heart is open, some say too open, and there are many people in the world who might hurt me; I choose not to hide away, but to love anyway.
 
I will live the way I need to, and be true to myself, with no regrets at the end of the road.  I would prefer to be hurt than to always wonder what if, or think if only.
 
I will not live my life in fear, but will celebrate the opportunities presented, hang on, and enjoy the ride.

The Pic ...

I am sorry for the teaser in my last post, but OpSec is ingrained too deeply into me to let me post the picture ... he is in full gear, and there are not a lot of identifying features, but still ... I just can't. Maybe when he is back in Canada, safe, I can share it some day. I wrestled with it, and came here to do it, but I just can't.

I did mention I have OCPD, didn't I? You can add to that my dad was a prison guard who became a cop, and my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian ... I have this thing about rules ...

~~~~~~~~

I did just have a lovely 1 1/2 hour MSN chat with Sebastian. He seems in good spirits, and he is doing well. Two of his boys had a very close call the other night, found an IED the hard way, but no one was injured, so its all good.

It is obviously concerning that the casualty rate is increasing, as it always does in the summer. I have to have faith that he is well trained, and smart, and damn good at what he does.

Mentally he seems in a better place than just before he left. He is talking about things he wants to do when he gets home, things he wants to get ( a pug, for example ).

He has also bought himself a helmet camera, so I look forward to some video. I asked him to please not send my any videos of camel spiders; he said no worries, they only come out at night and he didn't get the night vision package. I soooooo did not need to know that camel spiders are nocturnal. Seriously, I could have happily lived my entire life without knowing that.

~~~~~~~~~

And in a true act of randomness, the Wolf messaged me out of the blue the other day, and has been commenting on my Face Book and other forms of contact again. The last time he started a conversation with me was early December.

He was finally responding to my request for "a couple of words to let me know he was OK" after the news reports of the rocket attacks on KAF.

His opening line? "You worry too much"

*sigh*

~~~~~~~~~

My silly season at work is OVER , so I hope to be back to being a more regular blogger.

Take care of yourselves, my friends.

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.

Honest Scrap Award!!

Wow. Thank you to Esphixiet  at Five by Five who has awarded me the "Honest Scrap" award.  Since "Honest" is the one thing I try very hard to be here, this means a lot to me.

The Honest Scrap Award Rules say that I must:

1. Brag about the award.


2. Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger. ( Esphixiet at Five by Five , for those of you with a very short memory!!)


3. Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.


4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.


5. List at least ten honest things about yourself... then pass it on with the instructions!



As I said above, this particular award is one I am very proud of.  I try to be honest in everything I write here; honestly in the relative anonimity of the blogosphere is great.  SOmetimes the things that end up written here, in stream of conciousness writing, even suprise me, but I believe that is good.  I appreciate your comments, and your honesty, especially when you don't agree with me, as it makes me think.



On to the nominations:

KARIE at **Wife of a Wounded Marine**  On April 20, Karie tragically became the Widow of a Marie who had returned from battle with many wounds, physical and mental.  Karie has been very honest about her journey, and I have nothing but respect for this fine woman.  I wish her all the best in the journey ahead.


Domenica at The Combat Veteran Spouse .  Another blogging MilSpouse whose husbnad bears many scars, physical and mental, and still fights the battle every day.  Her honesty impresses and comforts me.

Sis B at Veritably Bare .  This wonderful lady pulls no punches.  She has had a very hard life, but does not make excuses for herself or anyone else.  She has done an amazing job of turning her life around, and continues to be an inspiration to me.  Veritably Bare is the first Blog I ever read, sent to me by a friend.


Julie C at The Domestic Witch .   Love, Life, Magic, and a clean house!  Julie, a widowed mother of 4, talks about life, writing, spirituality, love, the sense of community, and housework!

Wiley, of Wiley Goes Walkabout .  An Australian, Iraq veteran, waiting to find out where she and her American Finacee will be posted when he returns from deployment.  Aweseom sense of humour, and insight into human relations.

Ten Honest things about me:


1. One of my biggest fears is not living up to the expectations of the people who I love.  I often feel like I am living a farce.


2. Even thought I put up a tough front, part of me wants the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, the dog, and the English Cottage Garden.


3. I love philosophy, and evolutionary psychology ... but they don't pay the bills.


4. If I were a dog, I would be a black lab.  Except I need to learn to let things roll off my back more, and worry less.


5. I am saying goodbye again to someone I love ~ and sending them off to do their job, that they love, that makes them who they are ...


6. I really wish I were better at fashion, make up, and all that girlie stuff. 


7. I find great comfort, most of the time, in my spirituality; but I am uncomfortable talking about it in real life for fear of being judged.


8. I rarely regret things that I have done, but I sometimes regret things I have not done.


9. When I need to escape, I can loose myself in books, or in nature.


10. I over commit myself, and then stress myself out trying to do all the things I have promised to.

Please pardon the service interruption ...

hings have been crazy this last week and a half ... personally ... professionally ...

But I think I am seeing the light, and certainly have plenty of blog fodder!  Stay tuned for future ramblings, my precious friends, including:

~ on civilian dating, aka trying not to be a shack rat / tag chaser (a black comedy, in which your author fails miserably)
~ observances regarding testosterone poisoning
~ the cathartic value of setting stuff on fire
~ the ecological value of Prescribed Burning
~ the Biophilia Hypothesis
~ the final part of the She saga, which I never brought up to date for y'all
~ my official acceptance, and pass on of the "Honest Scrap" award (Thanks, Esphixiet ! )
~ likely another rant on operational security, over-sharing, and the internet

I will leave you for now with a video from last week; I can't believe sometimes they actually pay me to do this stuff:

Fitness Challenge

OK folks, another "Out of the closet" moment:

I am trying to loose some weight, tone up, and get healthier. As part of that, I have joined

and committed to walking and/or running 200 miles between now and the end of June.

If you care to join me, head on over and sign up!

Grape is shrinking!

I just got back from the doctor, and the cyst I had on my ovary is shrinking on its own. Everything else in there looks good and healthy.  (I will spare you the details).

She then told me that I seemed, based on the report, to be a good ovulator ~ very fertile ~ and should have another 10-15 years left. 

Ok, thanks for that.  I soooooo do not want to have a 15 year old when I am 70.

But should things change in the next 5 years or so, good to know my options are still open.  I guess.

So, very happy about the cyst going away.  The other tidbit is just random.

update on my little grape ....

is basically a non-update. I had my second ultrasound today. The technician had an awesome poker face, she wasn't giving nothin' up. So I have to wait until next week when I see my doc.

I do know that the internal ultrasound hurt this time ~ well it pinched a lot, maybe "hurt" is too strong. That may have more to do with the technician than with anything inside me though. This one was a bit rougher, and had much less bedside manner.

She also had to come back and do the internal a second time ~ oh joy. She did the external and the first internal U/S, then went out and spoke to the doc, and came back in and did a second round of internal. I don't know if its because the first pictures weren't clear enough, or if they needed to have another look at something specific. Again, poker face, and no conversation.

I am really, truly, calm about the whole thing. For today, at least! As I said to Sebastian the other night, whatever it ends up being, I will deal with it when I know, and there isn't much point in fussing until then.

I may be insane.

My friend Sebastian and I have been talking a lot lately.  Sebastian was my rock after things went south with the Wolf.  Sebastian is a PTSD survivor, an amateur student of psychology and human behaviour, and has his head on straight.

In the last few weeks, we have been spending 2-3 hours a night, more nights than not, on web-cam conversations.  Texting each other during the day.  Talking about EVERYTHING.  We really connect on a lot of things.

Lately we have been flirting a bit, and also talking more seriously about what we want/need in a partner, a relationship, etc.  We seem to share a lot of ideas, morals, beliefs, attitudes ...

I don't know if I am ready to even think about another relationship yet.  Ready to give myself completely.  I honestly think I did most of my mourning of the relationship with the Wolf before I finally "gave in and gave up"..  But I don't want to rush into anything else, and screw up something that might have potential.  Or hurt him either, since he is someone who is very important to me as a friend.  I am afraid to act, and afraid to not act.

Oh, and not only is Sebastian a soldier, he deploys in a couple of months, for approx 10 months, and on a mission that even has him scared.

What the hell am I thinking?????

Spring Cleaning ~ from The Domestic Witch

The beautiful and oh-so-wise Julie C over at The Domestic Witch is starting a blogging series called Spring Cleaning with The Domestic Witch: We're Gonna Clean More Than Just the House. 

I am hereby declaring in public my intention to clean up my life, and my house, along with Julie.  I will be keeping you posted on how it goes.

I think it is high time I got into the corners of my life and dusted out some cobwebs, and checked the expiry dates on some of my beliefs and habits. 

There may even be a few security blankets that should finally be tossed out.

Edited to add, from Canadian Soldier's Wife's comment below:  this site has a similar Heart & Home Spring Cleaning Challenge, from a Christian Faith base.  I will be using both, and doing what works for me.  (Also, some of her book give-aways during this challenge will be going on the "must read" list!)

Rock Climbing

I went indoor rock climbing last night, for the first time in my life.  The Lunatic took me.  I had a BLAST!!

Lunatic had climbed the night before, and is climbing again Friday, so he didn't climb, he was just my belay (safety line) slave all night.  Which means I just kept climbing.  No breaks.  Likely not the brightest move.

I started on the 25' "easy" walls, and did three, one after another, boom-boom-boom.  Then we moved to a slightly harder 35' wall.  I made it 1/2 way up the first time, 3/4 of the way the second time, and, after a brief rest, conquered it the third time.

I rested a bit, watched the other climbers for pointers, and then finnished the night off with a harder wall that involved starting on an outside corner, traversing around the corner to the "side", then back around to the "front", a big stretch (for me) over to the flat face, and then a fairly simple assent up to the top.  The first time I tried it I fell off trying to come back around the corner.  Lunatic asked me if I wanted to come down, and I said "NO!" so he let me hang there and rest and plan my attack.  I swung myself back onto the wall, and tried again.

This time I made the corner, almost made the big stretch, then fell off.  I came back to the ground, rested for a minute, and tried again.  I made it around the corner, made the big stretch (with some coaching) and almost got to the easy part, and fell off.  Back to the bottom and up one more time; I fell off again at the big stretch. 

By this point in the evening my arms were shaking so badly I knew there was no point in trying again.  I know, I know, sore arms means I am climbing incorrectly - it is about your leg strength, not your arms.  Lunatic says I need to stick my bum out more away from the wall instead of staying so tight.

All in all I had a really good night; I might go take an introductory lesson with one of their coaches.

I am proud of myself for last night.  I am not fond of heights, but I pushed through.  I am a control freak sometimes, but I trusted the Lunatic to keep me safe, and pushed outside my comfort zone.  I tried something new, and didn't give up.

My arms feel OK today, no residual muscle soreness.  Like all pain, healed with time.

Sunday ramblings

I started my day at a fund raising "turkey shoot" or target shoot.  I was "in the hole" for the event - in a little shot proof booth, switching targets for the shooters.  I don't think it is good for me, in my line of work, that after roughly 240 shots incoming, I was completely used to the sound of the actions closing, the shots fired, and the pellet spray ... not something I really want to get complacent with!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that, TW and I took the fur children for a 2 hour hike - it was absolutely gorgeous out!

Oh, and I want to live here:

because it looks out over this view:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night the Lunatic and I attended an event that I have renamed "Meat-a-palooza" - the annual conservation fundraiser at the local rod and gun club.  Three courses of wild game, each prepared a different way, 12 wild game dishes per course, plus potatoes and veggies for anyone who wants them.  Preceeded, of course, by wild game appetizers.  A licenced event.

Can you say "meat coma", boys and girls?  My tummy was a bit rumbly this morning.  I think my protein chakra overfloweth ...  So today I have eaten salad, and an apple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lunatic and I were discussing the last few months, and my mental state.  I said I felt like I was finally getting back to my old self.  Lunatic said "No! Don't go backwards to your old self, go forward to your new self - learn from this, and become the person you are supposed to be".  I really found that a powerful sentence, and like the way he summed it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was looking at the list I wrote the other day, about what I would want in an ideal partner.  I thought about the list in relation to the Wolf; who he has been this last year or so, as opposed to the historical him, or the idealized version of him that I had created in my mind ... and he didn't stack up so well against the list.  I could honestly only say "yes" to about 7 of the points, with a "maybe" for a couple more ... and some of the "no"s were biggies ...

It also occured to me that the post title I used when I faced reality within my online community ~ "We're Done" ~ was the exact same phrase the Wolf used with me the day before he left for the sanbox; words it took me 4 months to accept; to claim and make my own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the world keeps turning 'round ...

What do I want in a partner?

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who choses to love me, who sees in me someone worth loving
~ from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

I have a standard response when my friends ask me what I want in a man, and I have been told it is not definitive enough :

~ must produce adequate body heat to warm me up at night  (my bum is not only flat, it gets cold)
~ must like sex  (yes, I have discovered, much to my dismay, there are men who don't)
~ must not hit me, or point a gun at me (been there, done that, don't need the t-shirt)

That was the list.  But under gentle encouragement, I am expanding the list:

~ must be intelligent, and able to engage in stimulating conversation
~ must share the basics of my morals and ethics.  I respect differences, but the base needs to be common
~ must be able to tolerate my wide range of friends, without prejudice or malice based on anyone's colour, creed, race, religion, economic status, profession, or sexual orientation
~ must be able to accept that I am multi-dimensional.  I can happily spend all day out in the bush with a chain saw, or a gun; then come home and put together a roast beef dinner for 8 complete with pies and squares, doll myslef up, mend and iron your shirt, and play the dutiful woman for the evening.  I love the Suzy Home-maker role as much as I love a good hard day's work in the bush, an amazing night of dancing, a productive day of meetings, or a few rounds in the ring.  I need all the sides of my personality to make me who I am; if someone tries to pigeon hole me into one or the other, its not going to go well.
~ must be willing to "witness my life" - to notice the things going on in my life, and care about them.  In return, must be willing to let me share in the details of their life.
~ must have friends of their own.  I cannot be eveything to my man, nor do I expect him to be everything to me.  There are certain things that he better only be getting at home, but I understand and encourage "friend time", and expect him to understand mine.
~ needs to be secure in himself.  I work in a male dominated industry and have a lot of male friends.  I am as loyal as the day is long, and would not cheat on my partner; but, I am not giving up my male friends.  Nor would I expect him to give up any female friends.
~ needs to be able to "be the man" at times.  Sometimes I like the traditional roles.  Be assertive, be protective, be the man.
~ someone who is not afraid to disagree with me, tell me when they think I am wrong, and back it up.
~ somone who is loyal to me.  I have no patience for someone who is unfaithful sexually, but more than that someone who will verbally defend me to others; someone who will take my side and stand up for me; someone who has my back.  Someone that will be proud to let other know I am "his".
~ someone who respects my right to say no
~ someone who undertands by this point in the game we all have daemons to deal with; someone who accepts mine but doesn't let me use them as an "excuse", and someone who recognizes their own
~ someone who has a sense of humour, and can deal with mine, and that of my friends.  Sarcasm, occasionally, is OK; meanness is not.
~ someone who is capeable of kindness, and not embarrased by it in themselves.  (must like children and puppies ... LOL.)
~ someone who isn't afraid to be honest with themselves, or with me.  Even if it might cause some stress.  The only things I can't deal with are the things I don't know about.
~ someone who can argue respectfully, and not think a difference of opinion is the end of the relationship
~ someone who will pull their weight with household tasks
~ must understand that quality time can be a cup of coffee at the breakfast table together, or lying snuggled on the sofa watching a movie together.  It doesn't need to be some big production.  Its the day-to-day that's important; the day-to-day I miss when I miss someone.
~ must not re-arrange my spice rack, or my shower stuff.  Seriously. Most other things are negotiable.

May you live in interesting times

This is shaping up to be one of those freakin' weeks. Because really, I need something else to think about.

I went to the doctor last night for the results of an ultrasounds I had 3 weeks ago. I was a bit suspicious of what the results were going to be. The tech spent an awful lot of time in the vicinity of my left ovary, obviously measuring something. I have had enough ultrasounds to recognize some of their "movements".

Normally I am not a big worry wart over health related issues. I have a number of medical conditions, but none of them are life threatening. Odds are good, based on my history to date, that I will live to be a very old, feisty broad. I also have a fairly well developed awareness of my own body. I have felt that "something" was going on in my tummy or abdominal region for a while, but a number of "specialists" have assured me it was nothing to be concerned about, and I believed that.

It kept nagging at the back of my head, however, that when we had the cancer scare with the Wolf back in July/August, that I had at one point tried to make a deal with the powers that be. I had passionately asked them to make the spots on the Wolf's left lung not be cancer after all, and to give it to me instead if they wanted; I had the time, and the attitude, to deal with it, and he obviously did not. I am aware that the Powers that Be don't tend to work on those kind of deals, but I was a bit desperate at that point.

I sat down in the doctor's chair last night and she looked at me and said straight out "You likely realize they found something".

"Mmmm hmmmm"(I am quite well spoken when I am stressed)

She then turned the computer screen to me so I could read the report myself. Which, since I am a forester not a doctor, was only mildly helpful.

I have a cyst on my left ovary that is 1.9 cm x 1.4 cm x 1.0 cm. It has some internal divisions, but no "suspicious free fluid". I talked to the doc a bit, and the chances of it being cancer are very, very low. The concern for her is that it might rupture, which will be incredibly painful, and may have unfortunate complications. I have had an ovarian cyst rupture before, so I can vouch for the very painful part. The doc who saw me then, when I had said I was afraid my appendix had ruptured, replied "Oh no, your appendix wouldn't hurt nearly this badly". Joy.

I go back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound (internal) to see if it has changed, grown, shrunk, whatever; then we decide what to do about it. I have, of course, been on Mayo Clinic's Web site and similar trustworthy sites. I can see that as she said, the risk of it being cancer based on my age, the characteristics of the cyst, etc., are low. But then again, they had told the Wolf there was a 90% chance he did have cancer, and then decided he didn't ...

So yes, the brain demons are circling again. I am not, really, as worried about the slight risk of cancer, but I am concerned about the cyst rupturing. I know how painful that is, and I know it will take me out of commission for a while. I seriously don't have time to be sick right now.

And last time I had a cyst rupture my daddy picked me up, took me to the hospital, and looked after me. What am I going to do without my daddy if it ruptures?? (OK, that was just pouting. I will be fine, I do have good people here to look after me. I just had to get that out)

Coming out of the closet.

Only my closest friends (and you , gentle readers) have know the whole truth about what has been going on with the Wolf these last few months.  After the weekend, and where my head is now, I have "come out of the closet" about it.

I told one person at the legion where I bar tend (my manager). I told her I wasn't broadcasting the news, but I wanted her to know; and as I expected in a small village, an hour and a half later I was at the local café and someone came up to me to offer their sympathy.  I find that mildly amusing, but I am OK with it; I expected it, and it is easier than having to tell people myself.

I also referred to the Wolf out loud in public last night as "my ex".  It felt really strange to say it.

Earlier in the day I had posted about it on a MilSpouse chat forum I belong to.  The folks there have been nothgin but fully supportive.

All of this is a really strange combination of incredibly painful (facing reality) and strangely liberating, like a wieght has been lifted of my shoulders.

About my booty...

I carry a bit of extra weight.  I like food, I admit it.

Unfortunately, none of the extra weight is on my butt.

Although well endowed up top, genetics and years of martial arts have left me with flat, boyish hips and a flat butt.  The booty issue has been reinforced a few times lately.

I mentioned earlier the shopping trip to Old Navy, and the lack of booty lifting that occurred when I tried on their much touted booty-lifting jeans.  And TW's crack that they needed at least a base to work with, I couldn't expect miracles.

I bar tended last night.  I also desperately need to do laundry.  Instead of my usual black jeans, I ended up bar tending in a pair of black dress pants.

The bar tender I replaced stayed for a drink or 2, and to listen to the Karaoke.  She kept telling me to hike up my pants at the back - they were slipping down, ruining the line of the waist band, and making my butt baggy looking.  Sigh.  She actually said my butt was flat.

A couple of folks (ladies) sitting at the bar picked up on it, and all I heard for the rest of the night was the fact that I have "no ass".  One of the ladies (who I had never met before, and had a laugh like Fran Dreschler, bless her soul) told me I was "Pretty enough to get away with it, but (you) really have no ass".  The man with them wisely kept his mouth closed, and just drank his rye & ginger.

No not only is this a problem because it makes my pants fit funny, and cause me discomfort when I sit on hard surfaces, but it is a negative to me when I belly dance as well.  I have posted before about the need for some voluptua on a dancer.  Especially with "hard" moves, when you come to a hard stop on a hip lock for example, you need some jiggle at the end of the move, to make the embelishments on your costume dance.  You also get a much nicer look from rounded hips, and a rounder bum.

So I was back in the gym today.  Tring to create some booty.  Baby needs some back.  I see a lot of squats in my future ....

Wish me luck on my quest.

I'm tired

I'm tired of being alone - not alone physically, that I can deal with, but alone in my heart, and in my head.


I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.


I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.


I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.


I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.


I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.

I'm just tired ....

Perspective

Sometimes life hands you perspective along with a good smack up side the head.

I won't go into details, but I have a few friends right now that are going through some hard things.  It has been making me less patient with both myself, and with the Wolf.  I am in pain over the long term consequences of some of these things, and I am lashing out a bit in response.

Yep, I've been through some crap in my life.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and deal.  I've done it before, I'll undoubtedly have to do it again.  I have reached out for, and received, help and support.  On I go, one step at a time.

Wolf?  Yep, you've had some shitty cards dealt to you along the way to.  It is now time to get your head out of your ass, accept the help that is being offered to you, or in some cases, in your own words "crammed down your throat".  Take some ownership of your life.  Deal with your issues.  Get over yourself.

I am not turning my back on the Wolf.  I am not cutting him loose.  I am, however, done making excuses for his behaviour, to myself or to anyone else.

Not sure how long this current state of mind is going to last, but its where I am today.

Does He Deserve Me?

Does the Wolf Deserve Me?

I have been asked variations of this question a few times.  My answer is yes, unreservedly.  He is a good man, and deserves the very best of me, the best I am capable of being, the best I have to give.

The more relevant question, and the one harder to answer is;

What do I deserve?

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to not suffer.  I, in return, deserve the very best of him, the best he is capable of being, the best he has to give.

But what is the best he has to give, the best he is capable of being?  And who gets to define that?

And will the best he has to give, all he is capable of giving at this point in his journey, be enough for me?

I spent 2009 in a quest to quit striving to live up to the expectations of others, and start living up to my own.  A friend of mine observed that a great deal of my angst and pain is caused by the failure of my relationship with the Wolf to live up to other people's standards - my friends, my parents, society at large.

He does make me happy, the majority of the time. 

So I wait, I bide my time, until we can be face to face and sort some things out.