I would like to take today to clear up a little misconception that a number of people have about the relationship between Sebastian and I. Then I am going to muse a little about why I hesitate to correct people when they make this assumption, why I feel slightly embarrassed.
When I go visit Sebastian, I sleep in the guest room.
That's right, we are not having sex.
People who know me well might need smelling salts right now, since I do admit that I have a "healthy appetite", and in previous relationships I have been fairly quick to jump into bed. I am not saying that's why they failed, but I do think it may have affected my judgement, and definitely taken the "getting to know each other" phase down a different path. I also have some things from my past that makes sex give a cretain flavour to my overall behaviour in a relationship.
For Sebastian's part, he admits he was "a bit of a tramp" when he was younger, and his marriage was, well ... odd right from the word go. He didn't exactly go into it with his eyes wide open. He may have been distracted by other things.
We had a lot of time to talk, to get to know each other's personalities, learn how each other think, and share our hopes, dreams, issues, and morals while he was in the sandbox. Despite the distance and logistical challenges, we actually managed to have many really, really great conversations.
Since he has been home, we have spent a decent amount of time physically in each other's company, and text regularly through out the day, every day, including when I get up, coffee breaks, lunch, after work, and good night texts. Heck, the boy even texted me the other day to tell me he was going to be a bit late getting home from work. (We live 500 km apart. What, did he expect me to keep supper warm??)
I admit there are times when the sexual tension in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife. I cetainly occasionally let my mind wander to the "what if" stage.
For us, for both of us, this is the right way to proceed for now. To be valued as a person, to really get to know a man I am not sleeping with, and have them like me anyway, is quite a new thing for me. To feel so solid in the fact that his love for me is based on who I am, not what he "gets from me" in a physical sense, has taken some getting used to. I think it is, to a degree at least, the same for him.
Sex will be the right thing to do at some point. S has already said he won't "make the mistake again of marrying someone he hasn't lived with", and for both of us sex is an important part of a relationship. A part, however, that neither of us is ready for at this point, mentally and emotionally. Although I honestly think I have less baggage on this point than he does.
I don't think it makes us any less committed to each other. I don't think it makes our relationship any less real, any less loving, or any less important to either one of us.
But it does, often, embarass me to admit it; because, I think in society's eyes, sex makes a relationship "real", gives it legitimacy. I feel like I will be judged, that we will be judged, based on our choice. I know I shouldn't care about that, but sometimes is is just easier to let people jump to their conculsions, and not correct them.
Interestingly, I have shared this little detail with a few other people before now, and two other military wives I shared it with both said that their early relationships with thier husbands followed the same path. I don't know if this is another commonality to folks that wear the uniform*, or just a comonality in the people who seem to be ebcoming part of my social circle at this turn in my life.
*trust me, I know there are a lot of "tramps", male and female, in uniform as well
I have no doubts about what we have, and I know I shouldn't let the fear of other's judgements make me uncomfortable about the choice we have made. For the record, S is not embarassed at all, and will be quite blunt if asked. Maybe this is my "practice run" at becoming more comfortable with being proud of our choice, as opposed to embarrassed.
And please, those of you who throw the occasional innuendo into your comments, don't stop - they make me laugh, they don't make me uncomfortable. I just wanted to be completely honest today on this topic.
Showing posts with label long-distance relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label long-distance relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Most Recent Visit
My visit up to see S last week went very well. Things are very comfortable, and we fit into each other's lives nicely. It was a very good visit.
He is still having a bit of a hard time getting used to being back in Canada, and misses A'stan. It is getting better, but it is definitely still there. Things like the grocery store still bother him. But he has chilled out about the fact that a sniper could see into his kitchen. S'all good.
It did occur to him to make sure I understood that wanting to be back there does not necissarily mean he doesn't want to be here, or that he wants to go away from me. I do understand that, and told him he didn't have to worry about hurting my feelings. There are some things going on here, politics and posturing within the Regiment, that make life over there simple by comparison. It is the life he knew for so many months, it was, in some ways, much simpler. I get it.
I think that is one of the things that makes this relationship work well. He knows I won't judge him, and that I try not to read meanings into things he says. If I want clarification on something, if I think he means something more that what he has actually said, I will (usually) ask him.
Leaving to come home was hard, for me. I did, as always, manage to keep the tears in check until I had pulled away. He seemed confused by my sadness - I mean, he is staying "home" for a while, not going anywhere scary. He looked at me with confusion and said "But, you'll be back soon!", looking for an explanation of why I was holding on so tight. I couldn't, and still can't, put it into words, at least not words that he will understand. He is amazing at keeping the connection, staying in touch, including me in his life when we are separated by geography. But I still miss him when we are apart.
Sometimes, reality bites.
He is still having a bit of a hard time getting used to being back in Canada, and misses A'stan. It is getting better, but it is definitely still there. Things like the grocery store still bother him. But he has chilled out about the fact that a sniper could see into his kitchen. S'all good.
It did occur to him to make sure I understood that wanting to be back there does not necissarily mean he doesn't want to be here, or that he wants to go away from me. I do understand that, and told him he didn't have to worry about hurting my feelings. There are some things going on here, politics and posturing within the Regiment, that make life over there simple by comparison. It is the life he knew for so many months, it was, in some ways, much simpler. I get it.
I think that is one of the things that makes this relationship work well. He knows I won't judge him, and that I try not to read meanings into things he says. If I want clarification on something, if I think he means something more that what he has actually said, I will (usually) ask him.
Leaving to come home was hard, for me. I did, as always, manage to keep the tears in check until I had pulled away. He seemed confused by my sadness - I mean, he is staying "home" for a while, not going anywhere scary. He looked at me with confusion and said "But, you'll be back soon!", looking for an explanation of why I was holding on so tight. I couldn't, and still can't, put it into words, at least not words that he will understand. He is amazing at keeping the connection, staying in touch, including me in his life when we are separated by geography. But I still miss him when we are apart.
Sometimes, reality bites.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Test, & Update
I am posting this update from my ( relatively ) new 4th generation iPod Touch, so please forgive me if the formatting looks a bit odd. This is mainly a test to see if it works or not.
I am a little less sucky tonight, we did a video call for about 1/2 an hour, before I had to ho to a meeting, and it has helped me feel better. Tonight, technology is my friend again.
I am a little less sucky tonight, we did a video call for about 1/2 an hour, before I had to ho to a meeting, and it has helped me feel better. Tonight, technology is my friend again.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Missing him ...
I miss him tonight, more that usual.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Different isn't bad
I used to have a lovely poem about differences or diversity, and how just because my life, my choices, might be different that yours, that does not make them "bad".
With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.
Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:
"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"
To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.
I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.
Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.
When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.
My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.
With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.
Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:
"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"
To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.
I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.
Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.
When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.
My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Reintegration, step 1
I am back, after spending some time with Sebastian in his world. The first visit went relatively well. He is still a bit "there"; "Halfghanistan" to borrow a phrase from a dear friend. But all in all, I think things went well.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
~~~wiggle~~~
Soooooo close .......as I have said before, if I had a tail, it would be wagging pretty hard right now.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Insecurities
Sebastian's return is approaching fast, and this last week he had been a bit stand offish, which was making me insecure. Since he has repeatedly reminded me he is not the Wolf, I have no other "end of tour" experience to compare with, and I am not sure what "normal" is. I know he has mixed feelings about returning home, thinking there is so much left to do there, that he is leaving jobs un-done. If he were given the option I know he would choose to stay, but that is not an option. I am not sure if that was what was leading him to be a little abrupt, and not choose his words very carefully, or if there was something else going on.
Of course, MSN and Skype are still not working between us (he thinks there is something wrong with his computer) so communication has been frustrating.
I had some posts half written about how I was feeling, the daemons in my brain, questioning what had changed between us ... but he is now somewhere he can relax and cut loose, and all seems to be well again. I have been getting many, many messages a day from him ... some of them increasingly silly, as I assume there has been some "lubrication" applied to his brain. He did mention he woke up this morning with a horrible head ache ...
The point of this rambling is that once again I have learned that while I stew away about something, let it eat at me, and decide the world is ending ... he meant absolutely nothing by whatever it was he said, and I have over thought and over analyzed. I am learning, for this time I didn't ask him what was going on, react outwardly to him, or try to compensate, to "fix" it. I waited, and it turned out to be nothing, or at least nothing I had caused, or needed to worry about.
The next lesson I need to learn is to wait more patiently, without the mental torture I put myself through.
Of course, MSN and Skype are still not working between us (he thinks there is something wrong with his computer) so communication has been frustrating.
I had some posts half written about how I was feeling, the daemons in my brain, questioning what had changed between us ... but he is now somewhere he can relax and cut loose, and all seems to be well again. I have been getting many, many messages a day from him ... some of them increasingly silly, as I assume there has been some "lubrication" applied to his brain. He did mention he woke up this morning with a horrible head ache ...
The point of this rambling is that once again I have learned that while I stew away about something, let it eat at me, and decide the world is ending ... he meant absolutely nothing by whatever it was he said, and I have over thought and over analyzed. I am learning, for this time I didn't ask him what was going on, react outwardly to him, or try to compensate, to "fix" it. I waited, and it turned out to be nothing, or at least nothing I had caused, or needed to worry about.
The next lesson I need to learn is to wait more patiently, without the mental torture I put myself through.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I prefer "diverse" ...
Got a parcel via UPS from Amazon today. I don't know where it had been, but the Moose really, really wanted to help open it. Maybe the driver had it sitting beside a bag of dog treats.
The contents of my today's parcel:
I have read a lot of positive buzz on Restrepo (click for link to site), and asked Sebastian if had had a chance to see it. He hadn't even heard of it, which suprised me, but he looked into it and responded that he had been in country and in the area for the events depicted in the film, and yes he would like to see it. So I went ahead and purchased a copy. Now I am wondering if I should watch it myself first, to desensitize myself, or if i should wait and watch it with him. I will likely wait.
I did watch the clip of the interview with Staff Sgt Sal Giunta, the first living American Medal of Honour recipient since the Vietnam War. The scene in the interview that resonated the most with me was when they asked him "what went through your head when you heard you were going to be up for a Medal of Honour?" and Staff Sgt Giunta's response is "Fuck You". He goes on to explain it, but that response is what truly makes him worthy of the Medal. Those of you who know soldiers who live what they are will understand ... and I can't explain it to the rest.
The Sal Giunta Story from SebastianJunger/TimHetherington on Vimeo.
~~~~~~~~~
As I observed elsewhere though, the closer "soon" gets, the more it seems to be dragging its feet! Time seems to have slowed down. The days are just dragging lately, although thankfully I am very busy with work, so that keeps me distracted during the days.
~~~~~~~~~
I also got this parcel via UPS this morning - a replacement power supply for my external hard drive. Really, was this the most efficient use of packaging??
The contents of my today's parcel:
Yep ... one of these things is not like the other.
(So what order should homecoming be ... my new moves, then Restrepo? LOL)
I have read a lot of positive buzz on Restrepo (click for link to site), and asked Sebastian if had had a chance to see it. He hadn't even heard of it, which suprised me, but he looked into it and responded that he had been in country and in the area for the events depicted in the film, and yes he would like to see it. So I went ahead and purchased a copy. Now I am wondering if I should watch it myself first, to desensitize myself, or if i should wait and watch it with him. I will likely wait.
I did watch the clip of the interview with Staff Sgt Sal Giunta, the first living American Medal of Honour recipient since the Vietnam War. The scene in the interview that resonated the most with me was when they asked him "what went through your head when you heard you were going to be up for a Medal of Honour?" and Staff Sgt Giunta's response is "Fuck You". He goes on to explain it, but that response is what truly makes him worthy of the Medal. Those of you who know soldiers who live what they are will understand ... and I can't explain it to the rest.
The Sal Giunta Story from SebastianJunger/TimHetherington on Vimeo.
~~~~~~~~~
Comms have been very frustrating lately. MSN and Skype will both show me as on line to him, but will not show me that he is on line, and either won't deliver his mesages to me, or won't deliver my replies to him. This morning I was getting messages and answering them, but he obviously wasn't getting my answers, and he eventually decided I really wasn't here and gave up. I felt just awful. I did follow up with an e-mail, but haven't had a reply yet.
Soon, soon we will have more communication options available to us, and he will (hopefully!) have a more reliable internet connection. Soon.
As I observed elsewhere though, the closer "soon" gets, the more it seems to be dragging its feet! Time seems to have slowed down. The days are just dragging lately, although thankfully I am very busy with work, so that keeps me distracted during the days.
~~~~~~~~~
I also got this parcel via UPS this morning - a replacement power supply for my external hard drive. Really, was this the most efficient use of packaging??
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Emotional dump ...
There is a bit of a debate going on right now on a MilSpouse/Family chat board I frequent, and discretion being the better part of valour and all, I haven't been as blunt there as I would like to be. So I am going to let some things out here, to get them out, since it is weighing heavily on my emotions.
For those of my readers who *know* who Sebastian is in real life, you are likely about to learn some things you didn't know ... please keep them to yourself. While he likes to be honest about his experiences with PTSD, in the hopes of helping others and reducing the stigma involved ... it is not something he is proud of.
The trigger: There is a new mother on the chat board who is having a hard time dealing with her new baby, plus her child from a previous relationship, post-pregnancy hormones, recovery from a C-section ... and a deployed husband. She is frustrated, depressed, and resentful of her husband and his chosen career.
The part of her post that really resonated with me was when she said she was thinking about "taking a break from her husband", although I assume, based on other context, she actually means taking a break from communication with him.
The Backstory:
(author's note: I am editing this paragraph at 23:15, not in response to comments that appear below, but only to remove some details I included that I am no longer comfortable sharing. They might be details that could later be mis-used, and my comfort level is a little lower than normal right now)
Sebastian was in the sand and starting his second tour when a couple of incidents resulted in significant casualites, and left the troops physically and emotionally exhausted. This was the beginning of a tour that would see many such emotionally draining and morally damaging incidents.
Unfortunately, during this same tour, Sebastian's wife decided that she didn't care for the MilSpouse Existence, that she didn't like being "abandonded", that she wasn't going to put up with it ... and she withdrew from him. "Took a break" from him, if you will. She went further to fill her time with another man, but that is not her worst offence, in my view (and yes, I admit that I have only heard Sebastian's side of this story). She left him without the emotional base at home, the security of knowing his home life was there for him to come home to, when he had suffered emotional and moral trauma. She left him adrift to deal with the horrors that he was facing, without the momentary distractions that a phone call or e-mail from home, filled with little every day details, can provide. At this point in his life, he was also not in touch at all with his birth family.
When he came home, he tried to heal ... he tried to repair things with his wife... but she ended up leaving anyway, and his damage was so great, and his foundation and coping system so damaged, that in the end he gave up ... and tried to take his own life. Thank all the powers that be that he was found, and received treatment, both physical and mental, and is here today. He grew from this experience, but still bears the mental scars.
So when the woman on the chat board feels that one of the answers to her suffering is to cut her deployed husband out of the picture for a while ... I have a very deep, visceral reaction to that, because I know what that could do to her husband. Yes, I am sure that caring for a newborn while alone is hard. But I am pretty sure that being away from your wife and newborn, while people are shooting at you and trying to blow you up, is also pretty freaking hard, and loosing that contact from home, that foundation that helps you get through your days ... I know she would not forgive herself if something happened to him.
And right now I am having a very, very hard time forgiving her for considering that option.
It probably doesn't help that there are some frequency/jamming issues right now and I can't actually communicate with Sebastian much ... and I am feeling kinda needy, myself. This has stirred up a lot of feeling. I know he knows that I am here, that I am not going anywhere, and that I am strong enough to handle the separation. He may not need to hear it from me again, but I need to tell him. I did send him an e-mail (that I am sure will make him wonder where the hell that came from), but I just ... need.
Hopefully dumping some of the emotion here will help.
Thanks for listening.
For those of my readers who *know* who Sebastian is in real life, you are likely about to learn some things you didn't know ... please keep them to yourself. While he likes to be honest about his experiences with PTSD, in the hopes of helping others and reducing the stigma involved ... it is not something he is proud of.
The trigger: There is a new mother on the chat board who is having a hard time dealing with her new baby, plus her child from a previous relationship, post-pregnancy hormones, recovery from a C-section ... and a deployed husband. She is frustrated, depressed, and resentful of her husband and his chosen career.
The part of her post that really resonated with me was when she said she was thinking about "taking a break from her husband", although I assume, based on other context, she actually means taking a break from communication with him.
The Backstory:
(author's note: I am editing this paragraph at 23:15, not in response to comments that appear below, but only to remove some details I included that I am no longer comfortable sharing. They might be details that could later be mis-used, and my comfort level is a little lower than normal right now)
Sebastian was in the sand and starting his second tour when a couple of incidents resulted in significant casualites, and left the troops physically and emotionally exhausted. This was the beginning of a tour that would see many such emotionally draining and morally damaging incidents.
Unfortunately, during this same tour, Sebastian's wife decided that she didn't care for the MilSpouse Existence, that she didn't like being "abandonded", that she wasn't going to put up with it ... and she withdrew from him. "Took a break" from him, if you will. She went further to fill her time with another man, but that is not her worst offence, in my view (and yes, I admit that I have only heard Sebastian's side of this story). She left him without the emotional base at home, the security of knowing his home life was there for him to come home to, when he had suffered emotional and moral trauma. She left him adrift to deal with the horrors that he was facing, without the momentary distractions that a phone call or e-mail from home, filled with little every day details, can provide. At this point in his life, he was also not in touch at all with his birth family.
When he came home, he tried to heal ... he tried to repair things with his wife... but she ended up leaving anyway, and his damage was so great, and his foundation and coping system so damaged, that in the end he gave up ... and tried to take his own life. Thank all the powers that be that he was found, and received treatment, both physical and mental, and is here today. He grew from this experience, but still bears the mental scars.
So when the woman on the chat board feels that one of the answers to her suffering is to cut her deployed husband out of the picture for a while ... I have a very deep, visceral reaction to that, because I know what that could do to her husband. Yes, I am sure that caring for a newborn while alone is hard. But I am pretty sure that being away from your wife and newborn, while people are shooting at you and trying to blow you up, is also pretty freaking hard, and loosing that contact from home, that foundation that helps you get through your days ... I know she would not forgive herself if something happened to him.
And right now I am having a very, very hard time forgiving her for considering that option.
It probably doesn't help that there are some frequency/jamming issues right now and I can't actually communicate with Sebastian much ... and I am feeling kinda needy, myself. This has stirred up a lot of feeling. I know he knows that I am here, that I am not going anywhere, and that I am strong enough to handle the separation. He may not need to hear it from me again, but I need to tell him. I did send him an e-mail (that I am sure will make him wonder where the hell that came from), but I just ... need.
Hopefully dumping some of the emotion here will help.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I ♥ technology ...
Sorry I have been a bit quiet lately, peeps, I have been crazy busy with work. I have a lot to share, just not much time to share it!
I managed to have 2 chats with Sebastian today - an MSN chat when I got up, just before he headed to supper, and a video chat tonight as he was getting ready for work, and I was chilling out before bed.
I love that he is in a place right now where he has access to high speed internet, and we can video chat. The sound wasn't working well, so we went back to typing, but I could see his face, his expressions, his reactions to things. I could look at him and know he is well, he looks happy enough, healthy. I got to look around his room where he is now, see his "place", how he is living. He got to see me, and the dogs.
And at one point as he was getting dressed, he was standing so that I could only see him from chest to just above the knee, and he was strapping on his side arm, thigh holster ... oh baby, get me a glass of ice water. Not fair to do that when I am not going to see him for a while longer. I don't know what it was about watching him strap the holster to his leg, check the weapon, and casually sit back down again ... I don't think I have any bondage fantasies ... but it works for me! Of course, I honestly don't think he even realized wht he had done. Men.
The countdown is on to him being home for good. For this round, at least.
He has been mentioning the Wolf lately, and I don't know if it is out of an insecurity as the end of deployment approaches, or what is causig it. It may just be because of where he is right now, which is where the Wolf spent the majority of his time.
So I realayed to Sebastian this little story tonight:
A friend is doing her Masters in Social Work, focussing on PTSD/OSI's effects on families & loved ones. She asked me to write my story with the Wolf out for her, to summarize it, which I did. And when I was done writing, I realized I was done. I can comfortably put the incident in its box, and put it on the shelf. It will always be with me, but it no longer has any power over me. I am done.
And it feels really, really good.
I managed to have 2 chats with Sebastian today - an MSN chat when I got up, just before he headed to supper, and a video chat tonight as he was getting ready for work, and I was chilling out before bed.
I love that he is in a place right now where he has access to high speed internet, and we can video chat. The sound wasn't working well, so we went back to typing, but I could see his face, his expressions, his reactions to things. I could look at him and know he is well, he looks happy enough, healthy. I got to look around his room where he is now, see his "place", how he is living. He got to see me, and the dogs.
And at one point as he was getting dressed, he was standing so that I could only see him from chest to just above the knee, and he was strapping on his side arm, thigh holster ... oh baby, get me a glass of ice water. Not fair to do that when I am not going to see him for a while longer. I don't know what it was about watching him strap the holster to his leg, check the weapon, and casually sit back down again ... I don't think I have any bondage fantasies ... but it works for me! Of course, I honestly don't think he even realized wht he had done. Men.
The countdown is on to him being home for good. For this round, at least.
He has been mentioning the Wolf lately, and I don't know if it is out of an insecurity as the end of deployment approaches, or what is causig it. It may just be because of where he is right now, which is where the Wolf spent the majority of his time.
So I realayed to Sebastian this little story tonight:
A friend is doing her Masters in Social Work, focussing on PTSD/OSI's effects on families & loved ones. She asked me to write my story with the Wolf out for her, to summarize it, which I did. And when I was done writing, I realized I was done. I can comfortably put the incident in its box, and put it on the shelf. It will always be with me, but it no longer has any power over me. I am done.
And it feels really, really good.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Date nerves on steriods ....
OMG.
We have a "firm" date that Sebastian should be home on leave, and it is coming up in that awful/wonderful fast/slow way these things do.
I need to loose weight.
I need to clean my house.
I need to get a bunch of work stuff done so I can take off for a while.
I need him in front of me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I can touch him and know he's OK.
*breathe*
OK
This is like first date anxiety times 10. Most of my "relationship" with Sebastian has been on MSN and web cam. Admittedy, he has seen me on web cam looking pretty horrid - in my PJ's, fresh out of the shower and un-groomed; after a workout, hair in a pony and needing a shower .... but OMG, to be with him.
I know he is not going to care, that our friendship/relationship is not based on how hot I look (or don't), but still, my tummy is all butterflies right now ...
*breathe*
I know, like a lot of things, the anticipation is stressful, and once the event gets here ... as soon as I touch him ... everything will be fine.
I just have to make it until then
*breathe*
There are a couple of things going on right now that make this reunion a bit more important, and a bit more loaded. Things I can't talk about right now, but things that are on both our minds, things that I am sure will work out for the best, it is just not obvious right now what "the best" is, or how sucky the trip there is going to be.
*breathe*
We have a "firm" date that Sebastian should be home on leave, and it is coming up in that awful/wonderful fast/slow way these things do.
I need to loose weight.
I need to clean my house.
I need to get a bunch of work stuff done so I can take off for a while.
I need him in front of me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND so I can touch him and know he's OK.
*breathe*
OK
This is like first date anxiety times 10. Most of my "relationship" with Sebastian has been on MSN and web cam. Admittedy, he has seen me on web cam looking pretty horrid - in my PJ's, fresh out of the shower and un-groomed; after a workout, hair in a pony and needing a shower .... but OMG, to be with him.
I know he is not going to care, that our friendship/relationship is not based on how hot I look (or don't), but still, my tummy is all butterflies right now ...
*breathe*
I know, like a lot of things, the anticipation is stressful, and once the event gets here ... as soon as I touch him ... everything will be fine.
I just have to make it until then
*breathe*
There are a couple of things going on right now that make this reunion a bit more important, and a bit more loaded. Things I can't talk about right now, but things that are on both our minds, things that I am sure will work out for the best, it is just not obvious right now what "the best" is, or how sucky the trip there is going to be.
*breathe*
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Fall Leaves
One of the things I have been doing for Sebastian since he has been gone is to pick leaves off maple trees and press them, and send them to him. (Shhhh, don't tell CFIA - this is likely, technically, illegal!) When they are away in a place that doesn't give them the rhythm of the changing seasons, it is another nice little connection to home.
I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card. I continued as the leaves matured and grew. Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.
I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow.
And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack. What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees?? I can't press snowflakes! I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).
What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?
I picked the first tiny, baby leaves of spring on the day he left, pressed them, and sent them in his first card. I continued as the leaves matured and grew. Sometimes I would press some wild flowers, or leaves of different trees, and send them.
I have picked the first leaves turning colour, and they will go off on their journey tomorrow.
And in the incredible way that those of us in this life do, this morning I had a mini-panic attack. What will I do when there are no more leaves on the trees?? I can't press snowflakes! I am sure I will come up with something (I am thinking of hitting the dollar store for scrapbooking stickers of mittens and snowmen).
What little, personal rituals do you have with your loved ones to keep the connection alive, whether you get to sleep beside each other every night, or if you are seperated by many miles?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Wolf's Return
The date of the Wolf's return to this country is approaching fast. He put something up in his FaceBook recently about the number of days left, and it hit me like a punch to the gut.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.
Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.
His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure. A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.
Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues. He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course. He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.
I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet. He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally. I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.
He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings". Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago. Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.
Maybe he just wants his friend back. Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology. Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.
I am really trying not to let this eat at me. When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province.
I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!
Take care of yourselves, and each other.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.
Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.
His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure. A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.
Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues. He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course. He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.
I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet. He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally. I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.
He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings". Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago. Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.
Maybe he just wants his friend back. Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology. Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.
I am really trying not to let this eat at me. When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province.
I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!
Take care of yourselves, and each other.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Words ....
I know there are words that will make your heart sink a lot faster than "we have to go out for a long time, and contact will be limited, if at all", but right now I am trying really, really hard not to imagine any of those words ....
I guess the good side is we had a nice, long chat this morning. He is dealing with some crap, but nothing he can't handle ... and neither am I, in the grand scheme of things.
I guess the good side is we had a nice, long chat this morning. He is dealing with some crap, but nothing he can't handle ... and neither am I, in the grand scheme of things.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Modern Communication: The double edged sword.
I had been thinking for a while, and Coffey raised the point, regarding how different modern MilSpouses have it, compared to the communications that WWI and WWII wives/parents had.
Sattelite phones. Video calls. E-mail. MSN. Blogs. FaceBook. Canada Post outlets on bases, mail service and parcel service through the forces.
If we need to make a decision on something, need to talk something over, bounce an idea off our partner, we can. We get regular reassurance that they are safe, well, alive.
Until it stops.
I am not in any way saying that I would give up all the communication and contact that we have available to us. Not on your life.
But when that communication stops, a small part of me wonders if, without that expectation of contact, my mind and heart would be more at ease.
Sattelite phones. Video calls. E-mail. MSN. Blogs. FaceBook. Canada Post outlets on bases, mail service and parcel service through the forces.
If we need to make a decision on something, need to talk something over, bounce an idea off our partner, we can. We get regular reassurance that they are safe, well, alive.
Until it stops.
Spouses in the day of snail-mail only knew that they were holding the fort on their own. They knew that they had to be mom & dad, make those decisions with whatever support network they had in place. They didn't expect letters, and were, I am guessing, happy when they did get one. A lack of communication didn't make the dark nights any darker. No news was, often, good news.
I am not in any way saying that I would give up all the communication and contact that we have available to us. Not on your life.
But when that communication stops, a small part of me wonders if, without that expectation of contact, my mind and heart would be more at ease.
I understand that the reality of his job means he will be out of communication from time to time. My brain knows that. My heart resents it.
So I snuggle with my bear, and send him positive thoughts, send him my love. I know he can feel it across the miles. I know we have that connection, that he gets random warm fuzzies from me, and it gives me some comfort as well.
If you haven't picked up on it, no, I haven't had any contact with him yet.
(PS ~ No, none of the pics yesterday were of me, but they suited my mood)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Needy ...
OK, I have been trying to stay light and fluffy, but damn it that last Canadian casualty was too close to home.
I need to hear from him. Just his "Allo" to let me know he is OK, mentally, emotionally. I need him to make contact, for the sake of making contact.
I *know* they were on comms lockdown, and he is very busy right now, for the same reasons that I need to hear from him. Knowing does not make it any easier to deal with.
I have gotten to used to regular contact from him. He is too good at maintaining the connection, so when it has been a while, and when shit happens, I am waiting for a message, needing a message ....
Eight and a half weeks since he left Canadian soil. God only knows how many till he comes home.
I thought I was getting better at this.
I need to hear from him. Just his "Allo" to let me know he is OK, mentally, emotionally. I need him to make contact, for the sake of making contact.
I *know* they were on comms lockdown, and he is very busy right now, for the same reasons that I need to hear from him. Knowing does not make it any easier to deal with.
I have gotten to used to regular contact from him. He is too good at maintaining the connection, so when it has been a while, and when shit happens, I am waiting for a message, needing a message ....
Eight and a half weeks since he left Canadian soil. God only knows how many till he comes home.
I thought I was getting better at this.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Pic ...
I am sorry for the teaser in my last post, but OpSec is ingrained too deeply into me to let me post the picture ... he is in full gear, and there are not a lot of identifying features, but still ... I just can't. Maybe when he is back in Canada, safe, I can share it some day. I wrestled with it, and came here to do it, but I just can't.
I did mention I have OCPD, didn't I? You can add to that my dad was a prison guard who became a cop, and my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian ... I have this thing about rules ...
~~~~~~~~
I did just have a lovely 1 1/2 hour MSN chat with Sebastian. He seems in good spirits, and he is doing well. Two of his boys had a very close call the other night, found an IED the hard way, but no one was injured, so its all good.
It is obviously concerning that the casualty rate is increasing, as it always does in the summer. I have to have faith that he is well trained, and smart, and damn good at what he does.
Mentally he seems in a better place than just before he left. He is talking about things he wants to do when he gets home, things he wants to get ( a pug, for example ).
He has also bought himself a helmet camera, so I look forward to some video. I asked him to please not send my any videos of camel spiders; he said no worries, they only come out at night and he didn't get the night vision package. I soooooo did not need to know that camel spiders are nocturnal. Seriously, I could have happily lived my entire life without knowing that.
~~~~~~~~~
And in a true act of randomness, the Wolf messaged me out of the blue the other day, and has been commenting on my Face Book and other forms of contact again. The last time he started a conversation with me was early December.
He was finally responding to my request for "a couple of words to let me know he was OK" after the news reports of the rocket attacks on KAF.
His opening line? "You worry too much"
*sigh*
~~~~~~~~~
My silly season at work is OVER , so I hope to be back to being a more regular blogger.
Take care of yourselves, my friends.
I did mention I have OCPD, didn't I? You can add to that my dad was a prison guard who became a cop, and my mom was a school teacher who became a librarian ... I have this thing about rules ...
~~~~~~~~
I did just have a lovely 1 1/2 hour MSN chat with Sebastian. He seems in good spirits, and he is doing well. Two of his boys had a very close call the other night, found an IED the hard way, but no one was injured, so its all good.
It is obviously concerning that the casualty rate is increasing, as it always does in the summer. I have to have faith that he is well trained, and smart, and damn good at what he does.
Mentally he seems in a better place than just before he left. He is talking about things he wants to do when he gets home, things he wants to get ( a pug, for example ).
He has also bought himself a helmet camera, so I look forward to some video. I asked him to please not send my any videos of camel spiders; he said no worries, they only come out at night and he didn't get the night vision package. I soooooo did not need to know that camel spiders are nocturnal. Seriously, I could have happily lived my entire life without knowing that.
~~~~~~~~~
And in a true act of randomness, the Wolf messaged me out of the blue the other day, and has been commenting on my Face Book and other forms of contact again. The last time he started a conversation with me was early December.
He was finally responding to my request for "a couple of words to let me know he was OK" after the news reports of the rocket attacks on KAF.
His opening line? "You worry too much"
*sigh*
~~~~~~~~~
My silly season at work is OVER , so I hope to be back to being a more regular blogger.
Take care of yourselves, my friends.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Heart melted ...
just a little bit more a few minutes ago.
Sebastian sent me a new pic for today ~ of him in a vilage surrounded by local children, with the biggest, happiest, most honest grin on his face I have seen in a long time. Most of the kids are grinning too.
I love that man, for all that he is.
Sebastian sent me a new pic for today ~ of him in a vilage surrounded by local children, with the biggest, happiest, most honest grin on his face I have seen in a long time. Most of the kids are grinning too.
I love that man, for all that he is.
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