He loves me (Trifeca Trifextra Weekend Challenge)

He knows everything he loves either gets taken away or destroyed.

He loves me.

He promised I would never see the bullet.

He doesn't want me to be scared – he loves me.

~~~~~~~~~

While this is my offering for Trifecta's Weekend challenge - 

"Write a horror story in 33 words, without the words blood, scream, died, death, knife, gun, or kill. Good luck."

most of my regular readers will also recognize this as the true story of the end of my relationship with the Wolf.  When I sat down to write it, I wasn't sure I would share it.  The very first draft, what I considered to be just getting the bones down to work around, was exactly 33 words ... so I let it be, and offer it to you.

Spring has sprung ...

This crazy warm weather is kicking our butts at work.  Six weeks worth of tasks have been compressed into about 2, before we were completely ready, and concurrent with fiscal year end, so we are all running ragged.  Yesterday was a 14 hour day, and I found myself thinking "well, that's 2 hours of overtime in the bank". Later it occurred to me that 12 hours is not actually my standard work day, it just feels like it lately.  


Still better to have a job, though, and one that I generally like.  We'll see what the provincial budget brings ...


On a lighter note, I received an e-mail yesterday from our management team referring to the "BS Team"* in our office.  Nice of them to finally admit we have one.


Take care of yourselves, and I'll check in when I can ...


* BS Team is actually Business Services, but the acronym works sooooooo well ...

I'll be here.

"I'll be back"


            "I'll be here"


"I know you will"

~~~~~~~~~

S and I never said goodbye to each other - we always parted with the word above.  It was our "thing", the way all friendships/partnerships/relationships have their "things", their rituals.  I stemmed from deployment - good bye sounds so final, and its just superstition not to say it, I know lots of folks don't.  Everyone comes up with their own alternative.


I don't know why, but its been on my mind tonight.  I hope its still true.

Enlightenment from Criminal Minds.

I was watching DVD's of Criminal Minds Season 3 on the weekend, and in one episode they were discussing an "unsub" (unknown subject or suspect) that likely had "Borderline Personality Disorder".  When they said that, I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach.  I grabbed my laptop and did a quick google on it, and got a few hits.  


Fuck.


A few months ago, S had told me that he had found something interesting in his medical files, which he had gotten copies of for something else.  Seems a doc had noted in his file during his previous PTSD treatment that he also had borderline personality disorder.  At the time, I thought that meant that he was "borderline" for the criteria for a "personality disorder".  And really, who isn't?  I didn't think much more of it.


Until Sunday night.


Fuck.


I am now, of course, completely beating myself up.  I should have looked it up when he mentioned it, and learned all I could.  I would have learned that "Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative... Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or devaluation and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent. " (from Wikipedia reference above).  I might have handled things differently a month ago.  I certainly would have handled the escalating weirdness after the trigger incident differently.  


My brain knows that I am not responsible, that I shouldn't be beating myself up.  I would not expect a friend to be an expert in their partner's mental disorder, to be able to handle their interpersonal relationships like a trained psychiatrist, and to expertly navigate a situation they had no previous experience with.  


But this isn't a friend; it's myself, and my heart holds me to a higher standard.  I feel like I fucked up.  And I can't get away from that feeling, no matter how many "rational" conversations I have with myself.


I will work through this.  I just needed to vent a bit; think out loud.

Red Friday

Expectations ...

Just a little reminder to myself that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.  


**venting to follow**


I am getting pushed and pulled in a million different directions right now, especially by people who know varying degrees of what is going on with S.  Very strongly today by one person I work with who doesn't know nearly as much as she thinks she does about the situation, but continues to give me advice anyway.  She was never a big fan of the relationship between S and I, and refused to respect my feelings and thoughts on the issue.  She is now very obviously trying to fix me up with a "nice" man.  Subtle is a word she does not know.


Almost reminds me of why I didn't like the Bahamas - people grabbing me on the street and literally dragging me into their stores to see what they had for sale.


She thinks I should write S off completely, just walk away and forget him.  Her own marriage is far from perfect, but she has no hesitation in criticizing all the things she thinks are wrong in my life, and telling me what I shouldn't put up with.  She will not listen when I try to tell her that the compromises I choose to make are my decision, and that my decisions do not have to be what hers would be.  


Avoiding her is not an option.  Long story, but its just not.  She has managed to talk this "nice man" into joining one of our volunteer committees; she has also arranged that I have to pick up my expenses cheque today while he is at her house "helping" her with something.


So I need to be polite and professional and hide the fact that the harder she pushes, the more prone I am not not like the poor guy just out of spite or something.


I am NOT willing to give up on S.  I am very hurt and very angry with him, but I am NOT ready to walk away.  I still hope we can salvage something, a friendship at least, and grow from this.


Some people support me in this, and the rest of them will just have to accept it.

CAPTCHA BS part 2 ...

So this is what I am supposed to see on my dashboard:

and this is what I actually see:

Does Blogger not like Canadians? 

Thanks, DirtCrashr, for trying to help ...  (go visit over at http://anthroblogogy.blogspot.com/ )

It's still a wall ...

The quote of the week goes to my best friend:


No matter how pretty, how padded, how soft and inviting the wall is, when you're bashing your head against it, it's still a wall.


And yes, we were discussing men at the time.


Still no contact from S.  A couple of sources I trust, including my peer support person at OSISS, have independently recommended that I give him at least a month to process on his own before I reach out.  Two weeks have now passed, and the next 2 are going to be equally long, I fear.  


I miss him.  Every single day.  But I cannot control his actions; I cannot force him to talk to me, or to even deal with this.  I just need to accept what is.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love (Live on Letterman)

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/adele/#share

DO I have word verification/captcha on?

OK, stupid question, peeps.

Do I have the word verification turned on for comments?  I can't find where to disable it in settings if I do.

Also, can you comment anonymously on my blog?  I have it set to allow anonymous comments, but can't verify it ... unless I go try from my work computer ... hmmmm .....

I do have it set to comment moderation, because for a while that was the only way to get any comments at all ...

http://support.google.com/blogger/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=42520

no help at all ...

From the forum:

You can't turn Word Verification off in the new interface, you have to go back to the old one: Thank you, I finally discovered how to do that!!!  and for anyone else who can't find it, go to your dashboard page that shows your blog reading list and click on the wheel that is right under your picture at the top right-hand side of the page.  There is a menu option in there that lets you go back to the old blogger interface!