Fuck.
A few months ago, S had told me that he had found something interesting in his medical files, which he had gotten copies of for something else. Seems a doc had noted in his file during his previous PTSD treatment that he also had borderline personality disorder. At the time, I thought that meant that he was "borderline" for the criteria for a "personality disorder". And really, who isn't? I didn't think much more of it.
Until Sunday night.
Fuck.
I am now, of course, completely beating myself up. I should have looked it up when he mentioned it, and learned all I could. I would have learned that "Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative... Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or devaluation and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent. " (from Wikipedia reference above). I might have handled things differently a month ago. I certainly would have handled the escalating weirdness after the trigger incident differently.
My brain knows that I am not responsible, that I shouldn't be beating myself up. I would not expect a friend to be an expert in their partner's mental disorder, to be able to handle their interpersonal relationships like a trained psychiatrist, and to expertly navigate a situation they had no previous experience with.
But this isn't a friend; it's myself, and my heart holds me to a higher standard. I feel like I fucked up. And I can't get away from that feeling, no matter how many "rational" conversations I have with myself.
I will work through this. I just needed to vent a bit; think out loud.
B - I totally get how you might feel that you "missed something here" by not following up but I'm curious about something. (I too have that little ditty (BPD) in my Psych File by the way...) All those characteristics you described, you've described them before when talking about S...I don't think there is anything really there you didn't already know except the name (BPD). When folks with PTSD and the assorted other little "gems" that always seem to come with it basically aren't treating their illness, they/we are "loose cannons"...in other words yes, we are sensitive, easily hurt, unpredictable, etc., etc.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend, you are one of the most considerate, caring people I (sort of) know and I know you want to make this all better and help him find some peace. Hey....I don't like it either when I feel like I "missed something"...especially something I figured I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. In recovery circles there is a saying: Don't SHOULD (shit) on yourself". Because ultimately what can we really do about stuff that has already happened except learn from the experience and pass it on.
Is it possible that following up and getting more info on this might have made a difference because you might have done something different with him? Sure it's possible...but in my opinion...somewhat unlikely because of the unpredictability and sensitivity. Awareness doesn't always do a great deal in those areas where unpredictability and sensitivity are major players except perhaps prepare YOU for it.
Anyway...I know you're venting and probably didn't need or want this feedback. But I can't help myself!
BIG HUGS!!
T
Thanks Thom. Feedback is always good, and you are right, none of the "symptoms" really are new behaviours ... I am playing God again, trying to fix everything, or think I should be able to fix everything. BPD is not an excuse for poor behaviour on his part, nor a slap on the wrist to me. It just is. Like I said, my brain knows that, and my heart is coming around.
ReplyDeleteI know how it is B, I am not really much different in the way i react to similar situations. There are times I wonder why I care about things..most things but especially people and people I really care about as deeply as I do, it almost seems easier NOT to care so intensely. Then I realize that is what makes me...ME. And why I have such good relationships with people I care about.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the fact you share your feelings here because I for one do find it immensely helpful to know that others can and do feel as I do, That limits the crazed notion in my head that I am the only one who had such thoughts and feelings. That kind of thinking helps to isolate me and for me...isolation physical or emotional is NOT a good thing!
T