Bittersweet ...

So now the crap is finally over (an no, I am sorry, even now that it is over, I will not go into the details here. OPSEC and all that), on we move to next.


Celebrations.  Happiness.  


And making things right.


One of the things that Sebastian has always maintained that needed to happen to make things right was for him to be as quickly as possible re-deployed to an active theater in a command role.


In order to facilitate that, his powers that be have offered him a posting, which he has accepted.  Its a great career move, in a great location, and it actually lessens the drive time between us by about 2 hours.  I am really looking forward to getting to know the new area, making new friends (and meeting some existing ones in person!) and obviously to being a bit closer


Its also to a rapid deployment unit.  


As in "Hey, something bad has happened ... what were your plans for this afternoon?  Well, cancel them ... you're travelling."


As I have often said before, I *know* this is what he does, who he is.  I *know* that he would be going somewhere again. I can see the advantages to the short notice deployments - no drawn out anticipatory grief stage, no separation anxiety.  (Disclaimer: I do not promise to be this logical about it when it actually happens). I'm not really stressed about it, its just a wrinkle I wasn't expecting, and it might take me a little to get my head around it.


I was at his place this weekend, and there was another thing I should have been expecting but wasn't - the "lasts" are hitting me already.  The "wow, this will be one of the last times I am *here* doing *this*."  The camera was out a lot more this visit, and on the drive home. I wasn't expecting that at all, and it really caught me off guard.


Overall I am thrilled that things are working out, that he has this opportunity.  I am thrilled that we will be closer to each other. (Did I mention that? We will be closer to each other!) I am really looking forward to new places, new adventures, and moving on.  And yes, I am still prone to random grins for no reason.


There were a few other things that caught me off guard this weekend, and more will follow.  

If you can't handle me at my worst ...

I've been told I think too much.


There's  quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe that says

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

Is there a corollary thought that if someone doesn't want to share themselves when they are at their worst, that they think you don't deserve them?

Is it like this quote?

“Protecting people from the truth is another way of shutting them out.” ― Blaize Clement

Am I over thinking things, yet again?  Is it just basic human pride?  Or need to not show our "bad side" to the people we love, a fear of being judged, that is primal rather than rational?

Honestly, we all have many sides, and we chose, consciously or unconsciously, which sides are seen by which people in our lives.  So is "protecting" someone from your "bad side" ... or in this particular case, your "drunken douche bag side" ... a sign of mis-trust, or a sign of caring?


If we don't share "our worst" - our weaknesses, our bad days, the days when we act like spoiled 2 year olds or clueless teenagers - are we teaching the people we love that we expect them to do the same?  Hide from us the parts of our personality that we fear they may not like?


I guess this is the same, in some ways, as cleaning your place when you know someone is coming over.  Heaven forbid that people know you sometimes leave dishes in the sink, or your socks on the floor.  What might they think?  Even the people you love; you want them to see your best.


Ya, I think I am over thinking this one.  Thanks for letting me think out loud.

Flashback Music Friday

Where I am right now. Its been a roller coaster kind of week ...

It's REALLY over!

The crap is really over this time, and with the best possible outcome.  For now, my faith in the system is restored.

Very, very happy.

Thank you all for your prayers, positive thoughts, and support.

Whew.

The Crap

Well, the process to resolve "the crap" started this morning.  It is expected to take at least a week.


Positive thoughts appreciated that whatever the outcome is, it makes us stronger, not weaker.

More eyes ...

I was going through some older pics, and found a couple more for Thom, :o)


S refers to the top pic as my "covert ops" eyes.  The second one is a Hallowe'en shot

S is also a firm believer that you can tell a lot about a person merely by looking into their eyes.  I remember him once looking at Nathan Fillion and saying, apropos of nothing, "that man has seen true pain in his life - you can tell from his eyes"

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

   

For Thom & Sgt Charlie ...

Thom, I know you are having a rough go right now, and I know you are partial to these kinds of photos, so once again I am breaking my rule about no photos of myself ... thinking of you, and sending positive energy and prayers.

Also for Sgt Charlie, who is undergoing surgery this afternoon, and his beautiful wife Bee - I am holding you in my heart through this.

"People Pleaser"

(aside: I am still dealing with leftover steroid psychosis, but I am mostly dealing with it be ignoring it and hoping it goes away soon.  It either that or calling in a tactical strike on a co-worker that's pissing me off, and there's just too much paperwork involved in that so ... denial works.  A 2.5 mile walk at lunch also helped.)


If so many of us claim to be "people pleasers", then why are there so many displeased people in the world?


Yes. That was a rhetorical question.


I know why.


Some people are just permanently displeased, and are content that way. (Hellooooo, mother ....)


The bigger issue, is trying to please people in ways that don't work for them; driving yourself to do things that YOU think they want or need, instead of what they actually want or need.


Do I do this? Hell yes.  Frequently.  Mostly to the people I love the most.


We think we are being people pleasers when we try to step in and take other people's lessons away.  We try to fix their problems, we try to take the hurt away, we try to "mom" them. Often, the person we are trying to please either learns to take advantage of us, or starts to resent us.


We need to turn our inner mom into a tough-love parent.  We need to let people learn their lessons, and have the sense of achievement that comes with solving their own problems.


We need to give ourselves the respect to meet our own needs.  Obviously some of that comes from helping others, but we need to get pickier about how, when, and how often we do that.  If we really want to please the people we love, we have to respect their needs, their ways of living and growing, and their autonomy.  We need to be there for them in the way they need us to be there for them - even if that is by being a witness to their struggles, being the sounding board they turn to when they need to think something through on their own.


When I say we here, I mean I.  I need to do these things.  Maybe you do too, but that's your call to make.

Insight comes from funny places ...

I get a daily horoscope e-mailed to me, just for fun, but every now and then it gets a bit scary.  Today's offering was:

A tiny little thing has set you off. You know you're being totally unreasonable, but at the moment, you don't care. Put things in perspective. Think about waking up alone. Permanently.

I don't completely believe in horoscopes, ouija boards, tarot cards, things of that nature, but I do think that they are all tools that can nudge your brain to think about your issues from a different perspective, possibly channeling your sub conscious mind into the answers you already knew were there.


One of the things that was really setting me off the last few days was the status of the relationship between Sebastian and I.  Oddly enough, over the holidays we talked about it, and reaffirmed that we didn't need to fit into other people's boxes, other people's definitions, as long as it worked for us, as long as we were both happy.


Except I wasn't completely honest with him.


I am really hoping that once the crap (which, not to jinx things, should be resolved, one way or the other, in the next few weeks ... unless things get changed yet again) is over and done with, he would relax again and we could move forward.  Unfortunately, I feel like we have been in a holding pattern for so long that I have become more of a friend, a sister, than anything else.  


And the other day, the first day of dealing with the paranoia that I think was related to the Prednisone, that there was a "tiny little thing" that set me off.  I jumped to conclusions, and let my imagination create a whole scenario that left me heartbroken.


I did keep it all to myself, and with a few days rest and healthy eating, I feel like I have my perspective again, and I am less emotional.  I also know I need to be honest with S about how I feel ... and I will, after the impending crap is over.  I will.


I will not demand anything from him; I will not give ultimatums.  I don't work that way.  But I need to be honest.


I have told him before that I love him unconditionally.  I have not explained to him that unconditional love does not mean he has to love me back; or be able to love me back right now.  But I also need to quit living with everything hidden, sacrificing my own emotions in trying to protect him, to ease his path, to wait until I believe he's ready to respond.  Sometimes life just happens, whether you are ready for it or not.


Today's horoscope was bang on.

Today

Today I feel old.


Today I feel empty.


Today I feel resentful towards all the positive affirmations I have around, like they are taunting me, instead of encouraging me.


Today I feel worthless/insecure and jealous; I know one feeds directly from the other, but I can't stop it.


Today I feel angry.


Today I feel without hope, like giving up.


I have an idea why I am so unbalanced right now*, and I know it will pass.  I know these feelings will go away, but today, this is how I feel.  There are a number of little things that my brain is turning into big things.  And today, they seem huge, unsurmountable, unconquerable.


But I will not give up, I will not give in.  This too shall pass.

~~~~~~~~~ 

* I had an allergic reaction to something on Wednesday, and they prescribed steroids to deal with it; the side effects from the steroids were much worse than the initial allergic reaction, and I think I have a steroid hangover.

Closing a chapter?

It was a fairly busy, momentous, and emotional holiday season, more details of which will come out in the next few weeks.


I think, however, that I can finally start relaxing a bit on my concern with the Wolf.  I have always said that if we made it through the Christmas season without an incident, that I would believe that he had gotten the message and was going to leave me alone.  It seems like we have.


I did some thinking over the holidays about my feelings towards him.


I don't hate him, and I don't wish him ill.  I am afraid of him, or at least I am afraid of who he is when he drinks, which is, or at least was, a lot of the time.  I do not trust him.  I do not, at the moment, respect him.  I still wish he would get help, and get better.


Red, to my knowledge, did not end up meeting the Wolf while he was home on leave.  We discussed it, and I did not want her making her decision based on what she thought I wanted or didn't want, and she assured me it wasn't that.  She just didn't want to make time for him.  


I have no idea how i would react if he suddenly appeared in front of me.  I guess it would depend on how he was acting.  I am, however, supremely grateful that I did not have to find out.


While I will always be more vigilant, more aware of my surroundings, and likely more suspicious than most of my peers, I believe I can start to de-escalate a bit, to relax a bit.  It will be a process, I am sure, but i think it is time to start letting go of that particular worry.


Each year brings new growth and clarity; hopefully 2012 will be one of peace.


Blessings, my friends.