- wandering out to the blue box (or the clothes line, or the garden) in just the t-shirt I woke up in
- not having to remember to shut the blinds before you change your clothes
- not having to shut the blinds before you have a shower (sensing a theme, anyone?)
- hanging my clothes on the line after supper, and letting them stay there all night, and through the next day ... or two ...
- spring peepers, coyotes, bobcats, and other wildlife
- not being watched
- being able to see all the stars at night, without light polution
- walking the dog without locking my doors
- quiet, or at very least, a less human sort of noise
- looking out my window over fields of green (or gold, or white)
- the way fresh air smells
- the smell right after a rain storm, or when one is approaching
- your neighbours only knowing enough about your day to day to make you feel safe, not watched
Monday, January 31, 2011
Things I miss about living in the country.
I have lived a large portion of my adult life in the country, and although I am now only in a small village, not a city, there are a number of things I still miss about the country, like:
Saturday, January 29, 2011
a quickie ... ;-)
Well, our crazy season at work is coming to an end, thank goodness. The last two weeks I haven't really known if I was coming or going. But is is all wrapped up, the funding applications are all sent off, and it is time to realx a bit ...
so, with all the overtime I have banked, I am taking a week off and going to see my love. I have finished off a few 1/2 written posts I had waiting in the wings, and have post-dated them to load while I am away.
Have a lovely week, everyone!
so, with all the overtime I have banked, I am taking a week off and going to see my love. I have finished off a few 1/2 written posts I had waiting in the wings, and have post-dated them to load while I am away.
Have a lovely week, everyone!
I have been award this Stylish Blogger award and like most things in life, there are rules to follow if I accept it.
1) Is to thank the person who bestowed the honor on me:
So, a great big squishy hug and a thank you to Thormoo, over at Shell Shock Serenade, for picking me as one of his stylish bloggy-friends.
Thormoo writes from the heart, and from the gut; its raw and its real, even when he is on about football ;-)
2) I have to share 7 things about myself. Anyone who has been paying attention along the way likely knows more than 7 things already, but lets see what jumps into my head. In no particular order:
1- I have a dog who I love very much, but is really starting to show her age
2- I have 3 tattoos, but would like more ...
3- I belly dance
4- I love to cook, and to bake
5- I hate putting clothes on after I shower
6- OK, honestly ... I just hate putting clothes on
7- I just got out of the shower, and am blogging this wrapped in a big cozy cranberry-coloured housecoat from Victoria's Secret
3) Now I have to bestow this award on 15 deserving bloggers:
Karen, of Canadian Soldier's Wife, a good friend, and a very grounded, strong woman
My darling CoffeyPot, who always manages to brighten my day (I know you've already been given this one, you are just so stylish you deserve it twice!)
Sgt Charlie, who could use some healing thoughts and prayers right now
The intrepid Wiley, who really has gone walkabout now ...
I would give it back to Thormoo, as his blog stands out for its honesty and open-ness, but I don't think I am allowed to give it back
D, the Spotted Wolf of Spotted Wolf Wisdom, who is wise enough to say things I need to hear
A{muse}ing Mommy on a Pink Park Bench
Trying Our Best
Waiting To Exhale
I would also award it to the Lovely Lori, the unstoppable Phoenix, and my dear friend and sister-in-spirit Mommabear. Their blogs are invite only, and I won't be posting links here.
I know that's only 12 ... and I appologize if I missed someone, my head isn;t completely in the game tonight. (see next newer post) If I think of some more, I will come back and edit this post ...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Red Friday ~ Support the Troops ~ Support the Families
Did you know the Canadian Forces have their own You Tube Channel?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Mid life crisis?
It seems like many of my friends my age, myself included, are going through some sort of "mid life crisis", or at least mid life dissatisfaction. (if the 35 - 45 age counts as mid life?)
Except we are not buying fast cars, getting fake tans, and having extra-marital affairs. We are going back to school and changing careers. Some of us part time, some of us are throwing in the towel completely and quitting our jobs and returning full time.
I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my job, my career, and the things that I like and don't like about my current job, and the things I like and don't like about some of the volunteer opportunies I participate in, and gerenalls how to be happy and fullfilled, and get enthusiastic about my life again.
I was wondering if it was time for a change, time to look at other opportunities. I actually had a blog post written outlining my thoughts and feelings, and some options. Then the powers that be threw this lilttle wrinkle into things:
The powers that be in the government might be phasing out our program. They are at very least looking at us for some cost savings. Which is to say right now they are not declaring anyone's position surplus (government talk for laying you off), but they are not replacing anyone who retires, or otherwise leaves their position.
So basically, if I choose to move on to a new opportunity, I am signing the death warrant for the programs and volunteers I facilitate in this community.
I am still looking at some schooling, part time, but no big career change any time soon. Of course, there are other things that will affect these decisions; I need to also place myself in a position to be marketable in a different georgraphic location, potentially. But right now it is more like a poker game, playing the cards carefully, seeing what cards the other players have.
Except we are not buying fast cars, getting fake tans, and having extra-marital affairs. We are going back to school and changing careers. Some of us part time, some of us are throwing in the towel completely and quitting our jobs and returning full time.
I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my job, my career, and the things that I like and don't like about my current job, and the things I like and don't like about some of the volunteer opportunies I participate in, and gerenalls how to be happy and fullfilled, and get enthusiastic about my life again.
I was wondering if it was time for a change, time to look at other opportunities. I actually had a blog post written outlining my thoughts and feelings, and some options. Then the powers that be threw this lilttle wrinkle into things:
The powers that be in the government might be phasing out our program. They are at very least looking at us for some cost savings. Which is to say right now they are not declaring anyone's position surplus (government talk for laying you off), but they are not replacing anyone who retires, or otherwise leaves their position.
So basically, if I choose to move on to a new opportunity, I am signing the death warrant for the programs and volunteers I facilitate in this community.
I am still looking at some schooling, part time, but no big career change any time soon. Of course, there are other things that will affect these decisions; I need to also place myself in a position to be marketable in a different georgraphic location, potentially. But right now it is more like a poker game, playing the cards carefully, seeing what cards the other players have.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
All how you look at it
Yep, its supposedly wordless wednesday, and here I am doing 2 posts in one day. I am a rebel.
Last night I was watching NCIS LA with the roomie and her oldest offspring. (I still prefer the original, but the spin off is growing on me)
**Spoiler alert**
The perpatrator of the crime (who I will NOT refer to as "the bad guy") was a naval member whose job was compliling statistics on American KIA's, especially those killed in covert (black) ops. He compiled the statistics using their service numbers (serial numbers?), not their names, because of the nature of their deaths.
He had two issues he kept emphasising - that these were HUMANS that were killed serveing their country, "names not numbers".
And that he kept requesting an active duty assignment ~ because that's what soldiers do, they fight ~ and kept getting told he was too good at what he did, too valueable to risk. And that haunted him.
About this point in the show, while he was talking about his work, my roomie's kid says "Oh, he works with statistics, that's why he's crazy"
And I, before thinking, piped up "Actually, I think its more likely vicarious trauma survivor guilt, just based on how he is talking"
**blink**
**awkward silence**
OKayyyyy, everyone go back to watching TV now ....
I truly, truly appreciate how the producers, actors, and everyone involved in the episode presented the charachter. While he could have been more developed, they did not feel the need to push it in anyone's face. They type of people who will understand, likely did, and the type of people who wouldn't, didn't even catch on.
Later in the show, towards the end, the officer's girlfriend is talking to one of the NCIS agents, and says: "Every time he applied for a posting, I prayed they'd say no . And they did. And it haunted him."
This was another truly well crafted moment, they didn't dwell on it, or hit the audience over the head with it. Again, likely only understood by those that have "been there done that".
As much as we would like to keep our loved ones out of harm's way, keep them safe at home, it is not who they are, and we stifle them if we try. If we truly love them, and want what is best for them, we have to let them do what they feel called to do.
Last night I was watching NCIS LA with the roomie and her oldest offspring. (I still prefer the original, but the spin off is growing on me)
**Spoiler alert**
The perpatrator of the crime (who I will NOT refer to as "the bad guy") was a naval member whose job was compliling statistics on American KIA's, especially those killed in covert (black) ops. He compiled the statistics using their service numbers (serial numbers?), not their names, because of the nature of their deaths.
He had two issues he kept emphasising - that these were HUMANS that were killed serveing their country, "names not numbers".
And that he kept requesting an active duty assignment ~ because that's what soldiers do, they fight ~ and kept getting told he was too good at what he did, too valueable to risk. And that haunted him.
About this point in the show, while he was talking about his work, my roomie's kid says "Oh, he works with statistics, that's why he's crazy"
And I, before thinking, piped up "Actually, I think its more likely vicarious trauma survivor guilt, just based on how he is talking"
**blink**
**awkward silence**
OKayyyyy, everyone go back to watching TV now ....
I truly, truly appreciate how the producers, actors, and everyone involved in the episode presented the charachter. While he could have been more developed, they did not feel the need to push it in anyone's face. They type of people who will understand, likely did, and the type of people who wouldn't, didn't even catch on.
~~~~~~~~~
Later in the show, towards the end, the officer's girlfriend is talking to one of the NCIS agents, and says: "Every time he applied for a posting, I prayed they'd say no . And they did. And it haunted him."
This was another truly well crafted moment, they didn't dwell on it, or hit the audience over the head with it. Again, likely only understood by those that have "been there done that".
As much as we would like to keep our loved ones out of harm's way, keep them safe at home, it is not who they are, and we stifle them if we try. If we truly love them, and want what is best for them, we have to let them do what they feel called to do.
A bit of trivia for you
A little bit of Canadian Trivia for you all, one of the cool little anecdotes from our history. Material quoted is from various pages of the CBC, unless otherwise noted.
Princess Margriet at the 2005 Canadian Tulip Festival (Jonathan Hayward/Canadian Press)
Netherlands' Princess Margriet born in OttawaThe Second World War forged a number of very stong ties between the Netherlands and Canada: "At the same time, the people of Canada and the Netherlands, take comfort in the knowledge that out of the anguish and horror of war there developed warm and powerful bonds of friendship which still endure." (Veterans' Affairs Canada web-site)
Royal history is made in Ottawa on Jan. 19, 1943, when Dutch Princess Juliana gives birth to her daughter Margriet Francisca at the city's Civic Hospital. The first royal baby to ever be born in North America, the historic birth helped forge a bond between Canada and the Netherlands that endures to this day. This CBC Television clip looks back at the momentous delivery that captured the attention of war weary Canadians.
Crown Princess Juliana and her two small daughters arrived in Canada in June 1940, a month after they fled the Netherlands in the wake of the German army invasion. The heir to the Dutch throne, Juliana lived in exile in Ottawa for four years and became a fixture in the capital city's social circles. After learning of Juliana's pregnancy, the Canadian government proclaimed the hospital's maternity suite "extraterritorial" so that the royal baby would have full Dutch citizenship.
A gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs
The Dutch royal family had fled their country in 1940 and found a safe haven in Ottawa during the Second World War. Princess Juliana, the only heir to the Dutch throne, and her children initially made a home at Rideau Hall then at Stornoway House, where they would stay for four years.
It wasn't until August 1945 that Princess Margriet arrived in a newly liberated Holland.
Later that same year, as a symbol of gratitude both for Ottawa's hospitality and Canada's vital role in liberating the Netherlands from the Nazis, Princess Juliana sent Ottawa 100,000 tulip bulbs and a promise to deliver 20,000 bulbs every year of her life.
Lasting legacy
In Canada, Princess Margriet's lasting legacy remains in the form of the Canadian Tulip Festival. Thanks to the initial gift of tulips from the royal family back in 1945, the annual tulip bloom has become one of Ottawa's greatest spring attractions.
The festival officially began in 1953 and it has continued to grow in size ever since. Recent displays have seen more than one million flowers in bloom.
In 1995, Princess Margriet returned to Ottawa to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands.
The 2008 Canadian Tulip Festival runs from May 2-19. Admission is free.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Leading from behind
Things I have learned from dogs.
When we walk Little Girl (my dog) and the Moose (TW's Dog) it is interesting to watch the dynamic between the two of them.
Moose is about 5 years old; Little Girl is 14 1/2 years old.
Little Girl is secure in the knowledge that she is the alpha bitch. She has nothing to prove, she can be confident and quiet, regal almost, in her existence. And the
I have observed similar behaviour when they play, or when they "hunt". It is almost as if Little Girl is the mentor, teaching the Moose what she has learned in her doggy life, the things she will need to be a happy pup.
I am trying to adapt more of this attitude when I am in meetings, or other "negotiation" or group dymanic situations. I am trying to be quiet and confident in being the alpha bitch :o) and to quietly try to give direction without taking the lead, or being the one getting noticed. Trying to lead from behind.
Its a work in progress.
As you can see, Little Girl also supports her troops!
Pardon the look on her face ... she isn't fond of close ups.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday Morning Fitness Update
Well, I finished week 2 of the couch to 5 K program, but I am not feeling the love for my running abilities, so I am thinking about repeating week 2 again until the posture, breathing, etc becomes more of a habit. I am also considering running outside instead of on the treadmill. The weather here sucks, but I am really not enjoying the treadmill ... we'll see.
Another minor milestone or achievement or whatever yesterday. Due to the way I am built, I need to either wear 2 bras or a sports bra and a comression tank with a built in bra. Due to the way my brain works, I *need* to wear a t-shirt over top of that. Except that means I totally over heat, in the gym at least. (Maybe another reason to run outside?? LOL)
Ona positive note, I added up my distances for January, and since January 4 I have walked/ran/biked 33 miles - 15 to go and I will have traversed the equivalent of the Panama Canal!In celebration of that, I leave you with a few photos from the last time I was in Panama (one of my favorite places to vacation, so far)
Another minor milestone or achievement or whatever yesterday. Due to the way I am built, I need to either wear 2 bras or a sports bra and a comression tank with a built in bra. Due to the way my brain works, I *need* to wear a t-shirt over top of that. Except that means I totally over heat, in the gym at least. (Maybe another reason to run outside?? LOL)
Yesterday was an "active rest" day for me, which means I bike (@ the gym, stationary bike) instead of running; and I did it in just the bra + compression tank combo, without the t-shirt (which a couple of female friends assured me looked completely fine). I did look around the gym a bit while I was there, and there were women showing a lot more skin that I was ... but my brain is still a bit self-conscious about it.
Ona positive note, I added up my distances for January, and since January 4 I have walked/ran/biked 33 miles - 15 to go and I will have traversed the equivalent of the Panama Canal!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hero Worship
Hero worship isn't fair; it isn't fair to the person you are "worshipping"
I am reading an article in the November 2010 Oprah magazine about a female American soldier who served, and was injured, in Iraq. Near the beginning of the article, she talks about being haunted by the words of a "friend" who said to her "You used to be my hero".
Hero worship isn't fair to the target. Hero worship places unattainable, unachievable pressure on the "hero", things to live up to that no one possibly can. If you truly care about the individual, expecting them to be perfect is just plain rude.
True heroes are not perfect people; they are ordinary people who chose to rise above their fears and challenges and perform heroic acts. But to worship these people puts them on a level above us ordinary mortals, and carrys with it an expectation.
I would not want anyone I love to have the pressure of being expected to be perfect. I recognize the faults in the people I love; I choose to accept them anyway. Or maybe I choose my loved ones based on the faults I can live with. Either way, I am not going to expect them to live up to impossibly high standards.
I love my friends. I have a great deal of respect for them. But I do not worship any of them.
I am reading an article in the November 2010 Oprah magazine about a female American soldier who served, and was injured, in Iraq. Near the beginning of the article, she talks about being haunted by the words of a "friend" who said to her "You used to be my hero".
Hero worship isn't fair to the target. Hero worship places unattainable, unachievable pressure on the "hero", things to live up to that no one possibly can. If you truly care about the individual, expecting them to be perfect is just plain rude.
True heroes are not perfect people; they are ordinary people who chose to rise above their fears and challenges and perform heroic acts. But to worship these people puts them on a level above us ordinary mortals, and carrys with it an expectation.
I would not want anyone I love to have the pressure of being expected to be perfect. I recognize the faults in the people I love; I choose to accept them anyway. Or maybe I choose my loved ones based on the faults I can live with. Either way, I am not going to expect them to live up to impossibly high standards.
I love my friends. I have a great deal of respect for them. But I do not worship any of them.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Red Friday ~ Support the Troops ~ Support the Families
(Image courtesy of the Canadian Forces Image Gallery)
For more on Cherry's Christmas visit to the troops, see this article:
http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/article/912123--don-cherry-visits-troops-in-kandahar
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Creeped ...
I think the Wolf is trying to find me.
I have moved since we were last in contact, although my phone (mobile only) and personal e-mail have remained the same.
Let me back up a bit.
I have not really heard from the Wolf since a couple of random MSN conversations in July, while he was still in the Sandbox. After he came back to Canada, he left a couple of snarky, likely drunken comments on my Facebook page; I blocked his access and ability to post (but did not delete him then). I briefly un-blocked him on MSN around October, but realized quickly I didn't want to hear anything he had to say, so deleted him from MSN and Facebook. A few weeks later he contacted me about the un-friending, I explained my reasons, and I thought that was that.
Yesterday I got a forwarded e-mail joke from him, and today another one. I thought it was maybe just a brain fart on his part, he clicked my name along with a bunch of others.
Tonight after work I stopped in the post office of the small town I live in, and the manager said to me someone had called looking for me the other day, but the guy's story didn't ring quite true; he claimed to be a business associate but had my old home address, for example. I admit the Wolf didn't spring to mind until the postie said "Oh ya, and he said he was calling he was from ______, which I thought was really weird ... and from the fact you just went white, I guess me not giving him information was the right thing to do?" I assured him it was, and left.
I have also left a note at the place where I bar tend to remind everyone there to NOT give out any of my personal information if anyone comes looking for me. I understand small town friendly helpful; its just in this case it might not be so helpful.
The logical part of my brain keeps telling me I am over reacting. I really hope that part of my brain is right. But my gut is in knots, and keeps remembering something the Wolf said to me our last night in each other's presence, which was a bad night on so many levels. He said that I did not have the right to tell him what he could or could not do to me ... except he said it much meaner than that.
And the fact that he always told me, meaning it as an inside joke (I think) that if he ever felt the need to kill me, he would't scare me first, that I would never see the gun, or see the bullet coming.
I am going to talk to a fellow I know who is a local police officer tomorrow, to tell him everything, and ask his advice, off the record. I want the local police to know that if I have to call them to take it seriously, and what they are dealing with - a former recce platoon sniper with many years of experience, and an avid big game hunter - but I do not want to escalate the situation.
(aside: for anyone interested in the psychology of stalkers and their kin, I highly recommend Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift Of Fear")
I have not talked to Sebastian about this, and I am leaning right now towards not telling him until I am in his presence in a couple of weeks; I don't think he really needs to be worrying about this right now while he is trying to re-adjust. As much as my first reaction was to call him and ask him to tell me I was over-reacting, ask him to help me settle down, I also don't want to gear him up for something that might be nothing, and something he really can't do much about anyway.
I am going to try to give it a few days, see if there are any other contact attempts ... and let my brain process it a bit more.
I really hope I just have an over active imagination.
I have moved since we were last in contact, although my phone (mobile only) and personal e-mail have remained the same.
Let me back up a bit.
I have not really heard from the Wolf since a couple of random MSN conversations in July, while he was still in the Sandbox. After he came back to Canada, he left a couple of snarky, likely drunken comments on my Facebook page; I blocked his access and ability to post (but did not delete him then). I briefly un-blocked him on MSN around October, but realized quickly I didn't want to hear anything he had to say, so deleted him from MSN and Facebook. A few weeks later he contacted me about the un-friending, I explained my reasons, and I thought that was that.
Yesterday I got a forwarded e-mail joke from him, and today another one. I thought it was maybe just a brain fart on his part, he clicked my name along with a bunch of others.
Tonight after work I stopped in the post office of the small town I live in, and the manager said to me someone had called looking for me the other day, but the guy's story didn't ring quite true; he claimed to be a business associate but had my old home address, for example. I admit the Wolf didn't spring to mind until the postie said "Oh ya, and he said he was calling he was from ______, which I thought was really weird ... and from the fact you just went white, I guess me not giving him information was the right thing to do?" I assured him it was, and left.
I have also left a note at the place where I bar tend to remind everyone there to NOT give out any of my personal information if anyone comes looking for me. I understand small town friendly helpful; its just in this case it might not be so helpful.
The logical part of my brain keeps telling me I am over reacting. I really hope that part of my brain is right. But my gut is in knots, and keeps remembering something the Wolf said to me our last night in each other's presence, which was a bad night on so many levels. He said that I did not have the right to tell him what he could or could not do to me ... except he said it much meaner than that.
And the fact that he always told me, meaning it as an inside joke (I think) that if he ever felt the need to kill me, he would't scare me first, that I would never see the gun, or see the bullet coming.
I am going to talk to a fellow I know who is a local police officer tomorrow, to tell him everything, and ask his advice, off the record. I want the local police to know that if I have to call them to take it seriously, and what they are dealing with - a former recce platoon sniper with many years of experience, and an avid big game hunter - but I do not want to escalate the situation.
(aside: for anyone interested in the psychology of stalkers and their kin, I highly recommend Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift Of Fear")
I have not talked to Sebastian about this, and I am leaning right now towards not telling him until I am in his presence in a couple of weeks; I don't think he really needs to be worrying about this right now while he is trying to re-adjust. As much as my first reaction was to call him and ask him to tell me I was over-reacting, ask him to help me settle down, I also don't want to gear him up for something that might be nothing, and something he really can't do much about anyway.
I am going to try to give it a few days, see if there are any other contact attempts ... and let my brain process it a bit more.
I really hope I just have an over active imagination.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
compliment
While writing my review of watching Restrepo (to follow) an incident got recalled to my mind from my last visit up to Sebastian. An incident I had forgotten, but which I take as a compliment, a nice feel good moment.
Some decisions were made by the Powers That Be towards the end of the tour that took Sebastian away from his section. He is very protective of his section, and it was vey hard on him to be away from them, away from the daily danger they were facing.
During the time he was separated from them, his 2IC, a close friend we will call Tx, went trough 2 very nasty episodes, separated by a mere few days.
Tx got back to Canada a few days after Sebastian, and while I was up visiting he called and invited us over to his house for a few beverages. S warned me in advance that Tx had been through some rough stuff and wasn't handling it well, that he had been in some trouble during third location decompression, and that he was having anger issues and flashback issues. Tx's issues are, like so often happens, mostly survivor guilt issues. S knows my past with the wolf, and I think he was warning me as much so it wouldn't trigger a flashback of my own.
Tx's finaceé, and a few other friends were there ase well when we arrived. Tx tried to talk to S a couple of times about things from over there, but his finaceé asked him not to talk about it in front of her. She is military as well, and dealing with her own issues.
After a few drinks, there was only S, Tx and I in the living room. Tx started to open up and talk about an incident from over there, and then stopped cold and looked at me. S jumped in and said "S'all good, man, she's cool. She won't judge you. She doesn't do that."
That may seem like a little thing, but to the people there - Tx, Sebastian, and myself - it meant the world. Tx relaxed like the air had been let out of him. S swelled a little with pride, and I felt a surge of love.
Tx continued on to share some things, and to feel comfortable around me, and talk to me, even when S got up and drifted away, Tx kept connecting with me. I am glad I gave him another person to feel comfortable with, and S has mentioned a couple of times how much it means to him that I am good with "his boys", and specifically that Tx connected with me.
I may have just became the step-mom to an entire section.
Some decisions were made by the Powers That Be towards the end of the tour that took Sebastian away from his section. He is very protective of his section, and it was vey hard on him to be away from them, away from the daily danger they were facing.
During the time he was separated from them, his 2IC, a close friend we will call Tx, went trough 2 very nasty episodes, separated by a mere few days.
Tx got back to Canada a few days after Sebastian, and while I was up visiting he called and invited us over to his house for a few beverages. S warned me in advance that Tx had been through some rough stuff and wasn't handling it well, that he had been in some trouble during third location decompression, and that he was having anger issues and flashback issues. Tx's issues are, like so often happens, mostly survivor guilt issues. S knows my past with the wolf, and I think he was warning me as much so it wouldn't trigger a flashback of my own.
Tx's finaceé, and a few other friends were there ase well when we arrived. Tx tried to talk to S a couple of times about things from over there, but his finaceé asked him not to talk about it in front of her. She is military as well, and dealing with her own issues.
After a few drinks, there was only S, Tx and I in the living room. Tx started to open up and talk about an incident from over there, and then stopped cold and looked at me. S jumped in and said "S'all good, man, she's cool. She won't judge you. She doesn't do that."
That may seem like a little thing, but to the people there - Tx, Sebastian, and myself - it meant the world. Tx relaxed like the air had been let out of him. S swelled a little with pride, and I felt a surge of love.
Tx continued on to share some things, and to feel comfortable around me, and talk to me, even when S got up and drifted away, Tx kept connecting with me. I am glad I gave him another person to feel comfortable with, and S has mentioned a couple of times how much it means to him that I am good with "his boys", and specifically that Tx connected with me.
I may have just became the step-mom to an entire section.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Making room
This might be one of those posts that gets a little "out there" for some of you. Head's up.
I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.
I started thinking about it in the "real" sense. I have a queen size bed. I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean. And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.
With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.) I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice. I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.
While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?
Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.
While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.). You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there. So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.
And then they (you) come back. And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things. You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you. The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.
Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree. But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.
So I am conciously purging right now. Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new". Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively. Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit.
I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.
I started thinking about it in the "real" sense. I have a queen size bed. I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean. And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.
With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.) I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice. I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.
While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?
Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.
While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.). You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there. So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.
And then they (you) come back. And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things. You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you. The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.
Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree. But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.
So I am conciously purging right now. Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new". Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively. Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Test, & Update
I am posting this update from my ( relatively ) new 4th generation iPod Touch, so please forgive me if the formatting looks a bit odd. This is mainly a test to see if it works or not.
I am a little less sucky tonight, we did a video call for about 1/2 an hour, before I had to ho to a meeting, and it has helped me feel better. Tonight, technology is my friend again.
I am a little less sucky tonight, we did a video call for about 1/2 an hour, before I had to ho to a meeting, and it has helped me feel better. Tonight, technology is my friend again.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Missing him ...
I miss him tonight, more that usual.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Different isn't bad
I used to have a lovely poem about differences or diversity, and how just because my life, my choices, might be different that yours, that does not make them "bad".
With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.
Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:
"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"
To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.
I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.
Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.
When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.
My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.
With Sebastian back in country, I have been spending a lot more time interacting with him, and am going back to see him again soon. This has affected many things, including that I have really scaled back my hours at my second job, the bar tending job. I have been fairly quiet to people I interact with about this relationship, waiting to see where it goes, but with the travelling, etc., I am coming a bit more forward with it.
Which leads to a question I get a lot, and got again yesterday:
"Why in God's name would you ever get involved with another soldier??? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Why would you do that to yourself??"
To be fair, Sebastian himself asked me that same question, very early on. What I told him is the same answer I give to others, to varying degrees. I am not in love with a job, a career, or a uniform. He is a good man, he is good to me, and in return for that I am willing to accept some of the more challenging parts. All realationships have challenges, and it is up to the people in them to decide if the good makes the not so good worth it, and if they can, together, overcome those challenges.
I don't love a soldier. I love a man who happens to be a soldier.
Someone who has never been in a committed distance relationship cannot understand how "together" you can be when you are not together. S and I watched TV together last night - via text message (good thing we both have plans!). He told me what he was watching, I tuned to the same channel, and we chatted, about life and about the show, while we both watched, from our respective homes.
When one of us needs contact, we have a number of different video options available to us. We can see each other, hear voice, get smiles; everything but actually touch. My friends who get to sleep in the same home as their loved ones every night don't "get" how you can build or sustain a relationship based on that, and I sometimes sense judgement in their words.
My feelings are no less real just because you can't imagine yourself in my shoes. The relationship is no less real because it does not fit your convention of how things should work.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
more random trivia ...
So often, the darling Coffeypot asks a simple question, that turns into an entire post ... This question was from a while ago. Here are some explanations of phrases you will see me use here from time to time:
CHIMO
The Canadian Military Engineer's greeting, toast and battlecry is "CHIMO" - pronounced CHEE-mo. This expression is also often used as a closing on correspondence between Engineers. When two Inuit meet on the Arctic tundra, each rubs his chest in a circular motion and says "Chimo" ("Are you friendly"). The answer is a repeat of the gesture and the word "Chimo"! ("Yes, I am friendly"). The current spelling and pronunciation is based on a Caucasian adaptation of the Inuktitut native language of northern Canada. The greeting was introduced during the time of unification to create a common tradition to the CME. The corps was also heavy involved with the development of Canada's North at the time.
PRO PATRIA
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori is a line from the Roman lyrical poet Horace's Odes (III.2.13). The line can be roughly translated into English as: "It is sweet and fitting to die for one's country." Thusly, Pro Patria is "For (one's) country.
"Pro Patria" is inscribed on the collar insignia of the Royal Canadian Regiment
VIGILAMUS PRO TE
We Stand On Guard For Thee (From our national anthem, for the non-Canadians in the crowd.)
Motto of the Canadian Forces Land Command (aka "The Army").
Tap and Drink
Tap of the Glass on the table after a toast to honour comrades no longer with us.
Je me souviens
"I will remember", or "I remember", in French. The motto of the Valcartier/Quebec City/Laval/St Hyacinthe based Royal 22e Régiment, who are also known as "The Van Doos", an english bastardization of "vingt-deux", the french word for 22.
Per Ardua Ad Astra
Through adversity to the stars, the motto of the Canadian Forces Air Command. Comes, reportedly, from a book called "People of the Mists" written by Sir Henry Rider Haggard:
people with nothing better to do scholars, but for the purposes of the CF it remains " Through adversity to the stars"
CHIMO
The Canadian Military Engineer's greeting, toast and battlecry is "CHIMO" - pronounced CHEE-mo. This expression is also often used as a closing on correspondence between Engineers. When two Inuit meet on the Arctic tundra, each rubs his chest in a circular motion and says "Chimo" ("Are you friendly"). The answer is a repeat of the gesture and the word "Chimo"! ("Yes, I am friendly"). The current spelling and pronunciation is based on a Caucasian adaptation of the Inuktitut native language of northern Canada. The greeting was introduced during the time of unification to create a common tradition to the CME. The corps was also heavy involved with the development of Canada's North at the time.
PRO PATRIA
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori is a line from the Roman lyrical poet Horace's Odes (III.2.13). The line can be roughly translated into English as: "It is sweet and fitting to die for one's country." Thusly, Pro Patria is "For (one's) country.
"Pro Patria" is inscribed on the collar insignia of the Royal Canadian Regiment
VIGILAMUS PRO TE
We Stand On Guard For Thee (From our national anthem, for the non-Canadians in the crowd.)
Motto of the Canadian Forces Land Command (aka "The Army").
Tap and Drink
Tap of the Glass on the table after a toast to honour comrades no longer with us.
Je me souviens
"I will remember", or "I remember", in French. The motto of the Valcartier/Quebec City/Laval/St Hyacinthe based Royal 22e Régiment, who are also known as "The Van Doos", an english bastardization of "vingt-deux", the french word for 22.
Per Ardua Ad Astra
Through adversity to the stars, the motto of the Canadian Forces Air Command. Comes, reportedly, from a book called "People of the Mists" written by Sir Henry Rider Haggard:
"To his right were two stately gates of iron fantastically wrought, supported by stone pillars on whose summit stood griffins of black marble embracing coats of arms and banners inscribed with the device 'Per Ardua ad Astra'".The translation from Latin is open for debate among
Monday, January 3, 2011
Commitment ...
The wonderful woman who started the Operation: Cooking for Soldier On (OCFSO) (http://www.operationcookingforsoldieron.com/) fundraiser threw a comment out about all the regional reps doing the Army Run (http://www.armyrun.ca/en/default.aspx) in September. I have been thinking about it since her comment, and finally committed last night "out loud" to her and a few others. To the 5K one, not the 1/2 marathon!
I am totally not a runner, but I did download the Couch to 5K program, and completed my first work out this morning (5 min warm up, intervals of 1 min of running and 1.5 min of walking for 20 mins, then 5 min of cool down). I worked up a heck of a sweat, felt pretty good after. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Through the magic of Wii Fit, I have discovered that I have also lost some weight. Not much, and I am still a ways away from where I would like to be. Maybe now that I don't need a deployment ticker on the bottom here, I will add a weight loss one :o) For the record, I would like to be about 150 lbs, and am currently sitting about 195. The weight is a measure; I would like to be healthy, and fit better into my clothes (or even better, into new, smaller clothes!). I really need to work on my cardio fitness.
SO, in addition to the other randomness you see here, you will also, hopefully, be getting fitness and weight loss updates.
I am totally not a runner, but I did download the Couch to 5K program, and completed my first work out this morning (5 min warm up, intervals of 1 min of running and 1.5 min of walking for 20 mins, then 5 min of cool down). I worked up a heck of a sweat, felt pretty good after. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Through the magic of Wii Fit, I have discovered that I have also lost some weight. Not much, and I am still a ways away from where I would like to be. Maybe now that I don't need a deployment ticker on the bottom here, I will add a weight loss one :o) For the record, I would like to be about 150 lbs, and am currently sitting about 195. The weight is a measure; I would like to be healthy, and fit better into my clothes (or even better, into new, smaller clothes!). I really need to work on my cardio fitness.
SO, in addition to the other randomness you see here, you will also, hopefully, be getting fitness and weight loss updates.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I ♥ my friends (disagreeing with respect)
I spent this New Years Eve and New Years Day with my 4 best friends, as has been our habit for a number of years now.
New Year's Day, and on into today up until the point when I took my leave of them, we talked about many, many things. Afghanistan; the people, the war, the Taliban; the Canadian Forces. Mental illness, including depression, and PTSD/OSI's. Religion. Politics. You know, all the things that you are "not supposed to talk about".
Between 5 adults, we have enough opinions on things for a crowd of about 20. And often those opinions are different, if not diametrically opposed. We do not agree on most things. Heck, there are likely very few things that all 5 of us totally agree on.
The best thing? We are all very, very intelligent, well spoken people, who can argue our points passionately but WITH RESPECT for the other view points in the room (well, most of the time, anyway), and at the end of the day, all continue to love and respect one another. Which is why we remain the closest of friends.
New Year's Day, and on into today up until the point when I took my leave of them, we talked about many, many things. Afghanistan; the people, the war, the Taliban; the Canadian Forces. Mental illness, including depression, and PTSD/OSI's. Religion. Politics. You know, all the things that you are "not supposed to talk about".
Between 5 adults, we have enough opinions on things for a crowd of about 20. And often those opinions are different, if not diametrically opposed. We do not agree on most things. Heck, there are likely very few things that all 5 of us totally agree on.
The best thing? We are all very, very intelligent, well spoken people, who can argue our points passionately but WITH RESPECT for the other view points in the room (well, most of the time, anyway), and at the end of the day, all continue to love and respect one another. Which is why we remain the closest of friends.
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