I was reading a post on superstitions over at SpouseBUZZ, and this line hit me like a punch:
The thing is, even when your spouse returns from a deployment, that feeling of the possibilities – the possibility of loss – never entirely goes away.
We are not quite 2 months past homecoming, and I have found myself to be a bit off lately. Crying for no reason, or for things like Tim Horton's commercials ... bitchy for no reason ... worried, distracted, needy, the list goes on.
So many people say to me "Oh, you must be so glad he is home, that he is safe" and I AM, I truly, truly am ...
but maybe the what ifs and what could have beens are still haunting the corners of my mind. I guess they are always there, to some degree, but in the months when you are still celebrating the joy of being together, they are a little fresher, a little closer to the surface.
Showing posts with label re-integration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label re-integration. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
compliment
While writing my review of watching Restrepo (to follow) an incident got recalled to my mind from my last visit up to Sebastian. An incident I had forgotten, but which I take as a compliment, a nice feel good moment.
Some decisions were made by the Powers That Be towards the end of the tour that took Sebastian away from his section. He is very protective of his section, and it was vey hard on him to be away from them, away from the daily danger they were facing.
During the time he was separated from them, his 2IC, a close friend we will call Tx, went trough 2 very nasty episodes, separated by a mere few days.
Tx got back to Canada a few days after Sebastian, and while I was up visiting he called and invited us over to his house for a few beverages. S warned me in advance that Tx had been through some rough stuff and wasn't handling it well, that he had been in some trouble during third location decompression, and that he was having anger issues and flashback issues. Tx's issues are, like so often happens, mostly survivor guilt issues. S knows my past with the wolf, and I think he was warning me as much so it wouldn't trigger a flashback of my own.
Tx's finaceé, and a few other friends were there ase well when we arrived. Tx tried to talk to S a couple of times about things from over there, but his finaceé asked him not to talk about it in front of her. She is military as well, and dealing with her own issues.
After a few drinks, there was only S, Tx and I in the living room. Tx started to open up and talk about an incident from over there, and then stopped cold and looked at me. S jumped in and said "S'all good, man, she's cool. She won't judge you. She doesn't do that."
That may seem like a little thing, but to the people there - Tx, Sebastian, and myself - it meant the world. Tx relaxed like the air had been let out of him. S swelled a little with pride, and I felt a surge of love.
Tx continued on to share some things, and to feel comfortable around me, and talk to me, even when S got up and drifted away, Tx kept connecting with me. I am glad I gave him another person to feel comfortable with, and S has mentioned a couple of times how much it means to him that I am good with "his boys", and specifically that Tx connected with me.
I may have just became the step-mom to an entire section.
Some decisions were made by the Powers That Be towards the end of the tour that took Sebastian away from his section. He is very protective of his section, and it was vey hard on him to be away from them, away from the daily danger they were facing.
During the time he was separated from them, his 2IC, a close friend we will call Tx, went trough 2 very nasty episodes, separated by a mere few days.
Tx got back to Canada a few days after Sebastian, and while I was up visiting he called and invited us over to his house for a few beverages. S warned me in advance that Tx had been through some rough stuff and wasn't handling it well, that he had been in some trouble during third location decompression, and that he was having anger issues and flashback issues. Tx's issues are, like so often happens, mostly survivor guilt issues. S knows my past with the wolf, and I think he was warning me as much so it wouldn't trigger a flashback of my own.
Tx's finaceé, and a few other friends were there ase well when we arrived. Tx tried to talk to S a couple of times about things from over there, but his finaceé asked him not to talk about it in front of her. She is military as well, and dealing with her own issues.
After a few drinks, there was only S, Tx and I in the living room. Tx started to open up and talk about an incident from over there, and then stopped cold and looked at me. S jumped in and said "S'all good, man, she's cool. She won't judge you. She doesn't do that."
That may seem like a little thing, but to the people there - Tx, Sebastian, and myself - it meant the world. Tx relaxed like the air had been let out of him. S swelled a little with pride, and I felt a surge of love.
Tx continued on to share some things, and to feel comfortable around me, and talk to me, even when S got up and drifted away, Tx kept connecting with me. I am glad I gave him another person to feel comfortable with, and S has mentioned a couple of times how much it means to him that I am good with "his boys", and specifically that Tx connected with me.
I may have just became the step-mom to an entire section.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Making room
This might be one of those posts that gets a little "out there" for some of you. Head's up.
I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.
I started thinking about it in the "real" sense. I have a queen size bed. I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean. And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.
With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.) I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice. I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.
While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?
Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.
While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.). You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there. So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.
And then they (you) come back. And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things. You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you. The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.
Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree. But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.
So I am conciously purging right now. Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new". Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively. Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit.
I was thinking the other day about "making room" for your partner in your life, and the challenges that sometimes presents.
I started thinking about it in the "real" sense. I have a queen size bed. I had gotten in the habit of leaving books, magazines, and my laptop on the "other" side of the bed, instead of keeping it clean. And I admit there are some things piled on the floor on the "other" side of the bed as well.
With S back in country, I have a little more incentive to clean that "other" side of the bed, although the realities of our lives make it much more convinenet for me to go see him than for him to come see me. (And seriously, that is MY opinion, no sour grapes.) I am not keeping it clean in the expectation that he will drop in with no notice. I am keeping it clean as a symbol, so that my mind realizes that there needs to be room in my life for another person.
While I was making a concerted effort to keep the "other" side of the bed, and the floor, clean, I wondered if the Feng Shui principles would apply here - are you more likely to have someone in your life if you make the room for them to be there?
Which raised an interesting paradox when it comes to the MilSpouse life, especially for a number of friends who are also going through re-integration right now.
While our loved one is away (or for the one away) there is a need to fill the "empty spaces" with other activities, friends, etc (hopefully not other partners, although that does unfortunately also happen.). You don't want to have the constant gaps, the constant reminders that your loved one is not there. So you fill up the time, you fill up the empty spaces in the closets, the front hall, etc.
And then they (you) come back. And the spaces where they fit have been filled with other things. You need to re-create those spaces, both in a literal and figurative sense, so that they can fill them again for you. The spaces in the bed, and in the closet; the spaces in your schedule, and the spaces in your mind and heart, the spaces you have filled so the ache doesn't hurt quite as bad.
Some of these gaps can be filled with other forms of contact from your loved ones; for us, real phone calls, FaceTime, and texts have replaced MSN and Skype, to a large degree. But I think we have to conciously think about creating those gaps, and allowing our loved ones to fill them in the manner that works for them, instead of us deciding where they will fit.
So I am conciously purging right now. Cleaning my closets, and leaving spaces empty, so there is room for "new". Purging some habits, and my schedule, so there is room for S to fit into my life more actively. Not changing who I am, but growing by shrinking a bit.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Missing him ...
I miss him tonight, more that usual.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
I have no doubt in my mind that his re-interation is made somewhat easier by being able to do it at his own pace, being able to hole up in his apartment for the day if that is what he needs to do. He has been mostly spending his days playing First Person Shooter games on X-box, etc. I don't know if this is entirely healthy or not, but it is a lot healthier than the Wolf's approach - crawling into a bottle of Forty Creek Whiskey for 6 weeks, and only crawling out when he had to go back to work.
S and I chat a lot, via text and MSN, some video calls. The last couple of nights we have talked for hours. And I will see him again in about 3 weeks.
But I want to be there now. I want to see him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and know he is really OK. I think part of him wants me there too, although he is sending mixed messages. I don't know how much of that is him not wanting to seem needy, and how much of it is still having everything compartmentalized. Tempered by the fact that I think he is much more accepting of the reality of the situation than I am; he accept what is, and while I do ... I also wish.
I have said before, and I will say again, it seems harder to have him in country but 8 hours away, than it was to have him in the sandbox where going to him was not an option at all.
One of the other blogs I read, another Milspouse, her hubs came home within days of Sebastian's return. I think she would gladly trade places with my right now, their reintegration has not been a picnic. I understand that there are real challenges, and I am not under any delusion that if we were together geographically, it would be all fun and games.
I am needy tonight. And there is really nothing to be done about it. That's just the reality I have to live in right now.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Reintegration, step 1
I am back, after spending some time with Sebastian in his world. The first visit went relatively well. He is still a bit "there"; "Halfghanistan" to borrow a phrase from a dear friend. But all in all, I think things went well.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
There were some good moments of sharing, of true connection, a lot of just hanging out an chilling, and we got a lot done. He moved into a new apartment the day after he got home (as in, landed at 19:00, cleared in, 2 hour drive, humped his kit 50m in an un-plowed drive through 2-3' of snow to his old place ... and the delivery trucks started showing up the next morning, at the new place, with the new furniture that needed to be assembled.) There was not as much phisycal affection as I would have liked, but I am fairly intuitive, and can read him fairly well, and he was just not there yet. It was not a rebuff, just where his head is at. And I am, honestly, OK with it. We had some good talks, and some good, open, honest communication. It was a great visit.
We hung pictures, arranged furniture, bought stuff he needed. We bought curtains for most of the windows and hung them. He is a bit uncomfortable, I think, with the blinds in the kitchen. We settled on grass (bamboo) blinds, and he keeps walking into the kitchen in the evenings and saying "Well ... I guess I don't have to worry about anyone doing surveillance on me here." (The blinds do allow a good silhouette).
We did the first trip to the grocery store (crowds and choices both being a challenge for recently returned soldiers, for the non-mil types reading). We also did Wal-Mart, Home Depot, and a few other stores, which he handled pretty well, only retreating and letting me lead him a few times. He caught himself saying what "we" needed for "our" place (even though we do not live together) and it made him smile ... which made me smile :-)
The only real challenge we had was when some buddies convinced us to go out to a club. Reintegration + alcohol + flashing lights + crowds + loud noises almost ended really badly. He did have a bit of a meltdown, needed to get out of the bar in a hurry and we went home, he opened up a lot on the ride home, but then when we were back in the "safety" of the apartment, just the two of us, all was well again, and by the time he had slept it off, he was OK. (And realized it had likely been a bad idea).
I am home again now (well, at my parent's place, a post for another day). He is mostly spending his time chilling, and playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops (Killing Zombies). I talk to him a couple of times a day; not sure when I am going back up or he is coming down my way, but feeling pretty secure right now, pretty good.
Thanks for all the good wishes, my friends. Namaste.
Monday, November 22, 2010
days ... not weeks, DAYS!!!!!!
Chatting with Sebastian this morning, he mentioned how many days it is until he leaves the sandbox. It is still double digits, but low enough that he is actually counting it in days now too. Days. Not weeks, days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Nightmares ...
We are in the single digits until the Wolf is back in the country.
I had my first nightmare last night where someone was hunting me with a sniper rifle. I was trying to find a place to hide, worrying about my dog, and regretting the fact that "lots of windows" is a personal requirement for any place I live.
Do I really think the Wolf is going to come after me with a gun? No ... not really ... I don't believe that.
Do I think things could get ugly? Yep. To the point where I have talked to a neighbour who is a cop and told him if he hears anything at my house, to assume the worst and act accordingly.
The Wolf has been continuing to reach out to me in little ways, MSN conversations, FaceBook comments, etc. I also know he is back in Anger Management, but I don't recall if that is a standard part of the whole decompression process or not.
WIth me, he is acting like nothing bad ever happened, that things are fine, that we can go on to being the good friends we once were ... he seems to have forgotten both the intimate times, and the pain. He is certainly taking no ownership of anything that happened.
He knows me well enough to know that playing on my sympathy, trying to make me feel guilty, that he was "suffering" before, and I "need to" talk to him, to help him through this, has a chance of working. I need to stay strong, to remember that I have rights too, to remember that he does need to take ownership of what he has done.
I know I need to listen to my heart and my gut; I have (mostly) dealt with my pain and moved forward. I have found closure, and I do not owe him anything. I should not let him have any power over me, even the power to make e feel scared, to be jumping at noises, starting when I see tall people with brush cuts ...
Aside: when I flew home from California last week, I saw a man getting off another flight in the Denver airport, a soldier in desert camo, tall and broad shouldered ... I hoped he was coming home to someone who loved him ... and I had a little cry.
I had my first nightmare last night where someone was hunting me with a sniper rifle. I was trying to find a place to hide, worrying about my dog, and regretting the fact that "lots of windows" is a personal requirement for any place I live.
Do I really think the Wolf is going to come after me with a gun? No ... not really ... I don't believe that.
Do I think things could get ugly? Yep. To the point where I have talked to a neighbour who is a cop and told him if he hears anything at my house, to assume the worst and act accordingly.
The Wolf has been continuing to reach out to me in little ways, MSN conversations, FaceBook comments, etc. I also know he is back in Anger Management, but I don't recall if that is a standard part of the whole decompression process or not.
WIth me, he is acting like nothing bad ever happened, that things are fine, that we can go on to being the good friends we once were ... he seems to have forgotten both the intimate times, and the pain. He is certainly taking no ownership of anything that happened.
He knows me well enough to know that playing on my sympathy, trying to make me feel guilty, that he was "suffering" before, and I "need to" talk to him, to help him through this, has a chance of working. I need to stay strong, to remember that I have rights too, to remember that he does need to take ownership of what he has done.
I know I need to listen to my heart and my gut; I have (mostly) dealt with my pain and moved forward. I have found closure, and I do not owe him anything. I should not let him have any power over me, even the power to make e feel scared, to be jumping at noises, starting when I see tall people with brush cuts ...
~~~~~~~~~
Aside: when I flew home from California last week, I saw a man getting off another flight in the Denver airport, a soldier in desert camo, tall and broad shouldered ... I hoped he was coming home to someone who loved him ... and I had a little cry.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Wolf's Return
The date of the Wolf's return to this country is approaching fast. He put something up in his FaceBook recently about the number of days left, and it hit me like a punch to the gut.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.
Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.
His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure. A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.
Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues. He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course. He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.
I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet. He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally. I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.
He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings". Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago. Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.
Maybe he just wants his friend back. Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology. Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.
I am really trying not to let this eat at me. When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province.
I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!
Take care of yourselves, and each other.
I should be out looking for a home coming outfit, and fussing about the fact I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, and thinking about walcome home plans.
Instead I am wondering if I should go see him at all, if he will want to see me, if I want to see him.
His sister in law thinks I owe him face to face closure. A number of my friends think that he did not give me and concession, any face to face, any closure, any peace, and I don't owe him a damn thing.
Add to that the fact that, if I am brutally honest, he is a man who is larger and stronger than me, who is much better trained, mentally and physically, and has a drinking problem and anger management issues. He has twice been forced by the CF to take an anger management course. He said it taught him a lot, including some ways to intimidate people that he hadn't thought of before.
I am a little afraid of what he would do if we did meet. He knows how to hurt me, mentally emotionally. I am not completely convinced that he wouldn't also hurt me physically, if it came down to it.
He has been reaching out in little ways for about a month or so ~ I refer to them as "pings". Little comments on my FaceBook, quick e-mails, even an MSN conversation a few weeks ago. Nothing of substance, but more contact than there ahs been in quite a while.
Maybe he just wants his friend back. Maybe he has realized he was an idiot and this is a feeler to see if I might accept an appology. Maybe he really has no clue how badly he hurt me, and is just trying to carry on like nothing happened.
I am really trying not to let this eat at me. When he gets back in country I will actually be away; but they will, from what I have heard, likely keep him at the base for a while anyway before he actually is allowed to come to this province.
I will make my decision when one needs to be made; I will honour my own feelings, and my instincts, and of course, my dear friends, you will hear the events unfold!!
Take care of yourselves, and each other.
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