I was reading a post on superstitions over at SpouseBUZZ, and this line hit me like a punch:
The thing is, even when your spouse returns from a deployment, that feeling of the possibilities – the possibility of loss – never entirely goes away.
We are not quite 2 months past homecoming, and I have found myself to be a bit off lately. Crying for no reason, or for things like Tim Horton's commercials ... bitchy for no reason ... worried, distracted, needy, the list goes on.
So many people say to me "Oh, you must be so glad he is home, that he is safe" and I AM, I truly, truly am ...
but maybe the what ifs and what could have beens are still haunting the corners of my mind. I guess they are always there, to some degree, but in the months when you are still celebrating the joy of being together, they are a little fresher, a little closer to the surface.
Showing posts with label homecoming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homecoming. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Presents
I was talking to someone this morning about Christmas presents, they asked if there was anything I wanted.
I said "I already have it. He's home. I don't need anything else."
I said "I already have it. He's home. I don't need anything else."
Best. Present. Ever.
Home for Christmas ... or not.
To set any fears aside right now, YES, Sebastian will be home for Christmas. As a matter of fact ... he is back on Canadian soil!
I am going to see Sebastian early next week, at his place. His place is a roughly 8 hour drive (on good roads) east of me. My parents live a 2 hour drive west of me.
Christams is aproaching fast, and travel this time of year around here can be dodgy at best ... see this little clip, from my folk's neck of the woods, where they have gotten over 6 feet of snow in the last 2 weeks. On top of snow they already had. Yep, 6 feet, plus winds ... messy.
Now this isn't all bad, really. The last two visits to my parent's place have been very stressful, with my mom treating me more like an indentured servant that a family member they wanted to see. There is a lot of emotional loading in the relationship between my mother and I, mostly based on guilt and expectations I can't live up to, needs she has that I will never be able to fill. My dad is better, but is old, and sleeps most of the time, and his memory is starting to fail ... so it is not exactly quality time when I am with him. He is also much more understanding about it being just a date on the calendar, and that I can get home when I can.
Sebastian, who will be recently returned from the sandbox, told me at the end of his HLTA that "the worst thing for a recently returned soldier is to be alone too much with his thoughts". He needs me.
My parents will have my brother, his little girl, and the woman he chose to marry home. I don't bring out the best in my brother's wife. Their visit may be more pleasant without my distracting influence anyway.
And no, taking Sebastian to my parent's place is NOT an option. Nope. Not gonna happen.
Right now my plan is to head to see Sebastian, and stay for as long as he needs/wants me to. If I don't make it back in time to head to my parent's place for December 25, so be it. My mother will likely not take it well, but for goodness sake I am an adult, and I am allowed to do what makes me happy. Last year I swore I would live to my own expectations, not other peoples', and this is part of that.
On an interesting side note, my health coach indicated that she had been hearing similar things from a number of her clients and friends this year, that this was the year they were going to do what they felt in their heart was right, instead of making themselves miserable in the interest of making others happy.
Must be something in the air.
I am going to see Sebastian early next week, at his place. His place is a roughly 8 hour drive (on good roads) east of me. My parents live a 2 hour drive west of me.
Christams is aproaching fast, and travel this time of year around here can be dodgy at best ... see this little clip, from my folk's neck of the woods, where they have gotten over 6 feet of snow in the last 2 weeks. On top of snow they already had. Yep, 6 feet, plus winds ... messy.
Now this isn't all bad, really. The last two visits to my parent's place have been very stressful, with my mom treating me more like an indentured servant that a family member they wanted to see. There is a lot of emotional loading in the relationship between my mother and I, mostly based on guilt and expectations I can't live up to, needs she has that I will never be able to fill. My dad is better, but is old, and sleeps most of the time, and his memory is starting to fail ... so it is not exactly quality time when I am with him. He is also much more understanding about it being just a date on the calendar, and that I can get home when I can.
Sebastian, who will be recently returned from the sandbox, told me at the end of his HLTA that "the worst thing for a recently returned soldier is to be alone too much with his thoughts". He needs me.
My parents will have my brother, his little girl, and the woman he chose to marry home. I don't bring out the best in my brother's wife. Their visit may be more pleasant without my distracting influence anyway.
And no, taking Sebastian to my parent's place is NOT an option. Nope. Not gonna happen.
Right now my plan is to head to see Sebastian, and stay for as long as he needs/wants me to. If I don't make it back in time to head to my parent's place for December 25, so be it. My mother will likely not take it well, but for goodness sake I am an adult, and I am allowed to do what makes me happy. Last year I swore I would live to my own expectations, not other peoples', and this is part of that.
On an interesting side note, my health coach indicated that she had been hearing similar things from a number of her clients and friends this year, that this was the year they were going to do what they felt in their heart was right, instead of making themselves miserable in the interest of making others happy.
Must be something in the air.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
~~~wiggle~~~
Soooooo close .......as I have said before, if I had a tail, it would be wagging pretty hard right now.
Monday, November 22, 2010
days ... not weeks, DAYS!!!!!!
Chatting with Sebastian this morning, he mentioned how many days it is until he leaves the sandbox. It is still double digits, but low enough that he is actually counting it in days now too. Days. Not weeks, days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
I'm a little excited, can ya tell?
Of course, he also told me how many days he has spent there total, between 4 tours. A number which even impressed the CO presenting them with their service ribbons early today. The CO made a comment along the lines he could apply for permanent residnet status. Ummm, no thank you, please send him home.
Days.
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