Red Friday - Support the Troops

~~ sorry I'm late today, folks ~~

CANADAS KICKBOXING LEGEND JEAN-YVES THÉRIAULT WINS CANEX HARLEY® FOR HEROES RAFFLE

Click on the text above to link to the article.  If I couldn't be the winner of the custom Harley Road King raffled off to raise money for the Military Families Fund, I can't think of a nicer guy to win it.

Wordless Wednesday

Dragon Dreams

I have long had a problem with insomnia, so I have a selection of meditation CDs that I use to fall asleep at night.  Often when I am in the half awake ~ half asleep state I have lucid dreams which help me process the days events or give me guidance.  Sometimes I even hear very specific messages, which have so far turned out to be accurate.

When I was a child, these things scared me, (I had accurately predicted the deaths of some people I loved, and some pets) and I blocked them out, but I am now more mature, and I am inviting them back into my life.  I have also learned the "feel" of the lucid dreams/messages vs. the random wanderings of my subconscious and my imagination.

Often the lucid dreams are very clear and blunt; either spoken sentences, dates, etc., or at least messages of reassurance.  While meditating a few weeks ago on the situation with Sebastian, what to do, etc., I got the very clear message "We're gonna be OK".

Sometimes, though, the lucid dreams are just plain weird.

Last night I dreamed of white dragons.  White dragons made of paper, long serpentine Chinese style dragons, and they were mouthing at my forearms.  Not biting, really, just mouthing at me, like a black lab that wants to play will put its mouth around you and "chew" a bit.  A soft bite dragon??

It had the feel of a lucid dream, but certainly wasn't as clear or as blunt as I have gotten used to lately.  I have tried looking up white dragons, and learned that to the Chinese the symbolize the west and death (we're gonna ignore that one), but most sites are a variation of this theme:

To dream of a dragon, denotes that you allow yourself to be governed by your passions, and that you are likely to place yourself in the power of your enemies through those outbursts of sardonic tendencies. You should be warned by this dream to cultivate self-control.

from http://www.paranormality.com/dream_dictionary_d.shtml

I am not sure what message I am to take from this.  This interpretation isn't ringing very true for me, not speaking to me the way things often do when I look them up.

Maybe it was just a dream.

Maybe it was the Moroccan Stew, and the entirely too much coffee with Kahlua and Coconut Rum.

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.

Red Friday - Support the Troops

Support the Troops ~ Support the Families

~~~~~~~~~

English/Anglais     12 April 2010


Kandahar, Afghanistan


A memorial service was held for Private TWT April 12, 2010.

Private (Pte) T was killed by an improvised explosive device that detonated during a dismounted security patrol in Dand district at approximately 7:30 a.m. Kandahar time on April 11, 2010. The incident occurred in the vicinity of Belanday, Dand district, approximately eight-kilometres southwest of Kandahar City. Joint Task Force Afghanistan (JTF-Afg) is the Canadian Forces (CF) contribution to the international effort in Afghanistan. Its operations focus on working with Afghan authorities to improve security, governance and economic development in Afghanistan. JTF-Afg comprises more than 2,750 CF members.

Master Corporal Matthew McGregor, Image Tech, JTFK Afghanistan, Roto 8

(names deleted to prevent this blog from showing up in a google search)


Pte T, a member of the 1st Battalion, Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry (1 PPCLI), was based in Edmonton, Alberta. He was serving as a member of Task Force 3-09 Battle Group.

At this sad time, our thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends of our fallen Canadian comrade. The commitment and sacrifice of our soldiers and their loved ones are helping to make a difference in the lives of the people of Kandahar Province.

Honest Scrap Award!!

Wow. Thank you to Esphixiet  at Five by Five who has awarded me the "Honest Scrap" award.  Since "Honest" is the one thing I try very hard to be here, this means a lot to me.

The Honest Scrap Award Rules say that I must:

1. Brag about the award.


2. Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger. ( Esphixiet at Five by Five , for those of you with a very short memory!!)


3. Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.


4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.


5. List at least ten honest things about yourself... then pass it on with the instructions!



As I said above, this particular award is one I am very proud of.  I try to be honest in everything I write here; honestly in the relative anonimity of the blogosphere is great.  SOmetimes the things that end up written here, in stream of conciousness writing, even suprise me, but I believe that is good.  I appreciate your comments, and your honesty, especially when you don't agree with me, as it makes me think.



On to the nominations:

KARIE at **Wife of a Wounded Marine**  On April 20, Karie tragically became the Widow of a Marie who had returned from battle with many wounds, physical and mental.  Karie has been very honest about her journey, and I have nothing but respect for this fine woman.  I wish her all the best in the journey ahead.


Domenica at The Combat Veteran Spouse .  Another blogging MilSpouse whose husbnad bears many scars, physical and mental, and still fights the battle every day.  Her honesty impresses and comforts me.

Sis B at Veritably Bare .  This wonderful lady pulls no punches.  She has had a very hard life, but does not make excuses for herself or anyone else.  She has done an amazing job of turning her life around, and continues to be an inspiration to me.  Veritably Bare is the first Blog I ever read, sent to me by a friend.


Julie C at The Domestic Witch .   Love, Life, Magic, and a clean house!  Julie, a widowed mother of 4, talks about life, writing, spirituality, love, the sense of community, and housework!

Wiley, of Wiley Goes Walkabout .  An Australian, Iraq veteran, waiting to find out where she and her American Finacee will be posted when he returns from deployment.  Aweseom sense of humour, and insight into human relations.

Ten Honest things about me:


1. One of my biggest fears is not living up to the expectations of the people who I love.  I often feel like I am living a farce.


2. Even thought I put up a tough front, part of me wants the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, the dog, and the English Cottage Garden.


3. I love philosophy, and evolutionary psychology ... but they don't pay the bills.


4. If I were a dog, I would be a black lab.  Except I need to learn to let things roll off my back more, and worry less.


5. I am saying goodbye again to someone I love ~ and sending them off to do their job, that they love, that makes them who they are ...


6. I really wish I were better at fashion, make up, and all that girlie stuff. 


7. I find great comfort, most of the time, in my spirituality; but I am uncomfortable talking about it in real life for fear of being judged.


8. I rarely regret things that I have done, but I sometimes regret things I have not done.


9. When I need to escape, I can loose myself in books, or in nature.


10. I over commit myself, and then stress myself out trying to do all the things I have promised to.

Wordless Wednesday

Please pardon the service interruption ...

hings have been crazy this last week and a half ... personally ... professionally ...

But I think I am seeing the light, and certainly have plenty of blog fodder!  Stay tuned for future ramblings, my precious friends, including:

~ on civilian dating, aka trying not to be a shack rat / tag chaser (a black comedy, in which your author fails miserably)
~ observances regarding testosterone poisoning
~ the cathartic value of setting stuff on fire
~ the ecological value of Prescribed Burning
~ the Biophilia Hypothesis
~ the final part of the She saga, which I never brought up to date for y'all
~ my official acceptance, and pass on of the "Honest Scrap" award (Thanks, Esphixiet ! )
~ likely another rant on operational security, over-sharing, and the internet

I will leave you for now with a video from last week; I can't believe sometimes they actually pay me to do this stuff:

Red Friday - Support the Troops

HS2009-N085-001     28 December 2009     Gulf of Aden

HMCS Fredericton’s Naval Boarding Party renders medical and technical assistance to the crew of the MV KOTA WAJAR. The container ship was pirated on October 19 2009 while transiting the Indian Ocean and was released on December 28 once the pirates received a ransom payment.

HMCS Fredericton is deployed on a six-month mission to the Arabian Sea, Gulf of Aden and Horn of Africa to conduct counter piracy and counter terror operations alongside our NATO and Coalition partners. As part of Canada’s ongoing naval contribution to NATO, HMCS Fredericton will integrate into Standing NATO Maritime Group 1 (SNMG 1), currently conducting anti-piracy operations. While conducting operations against international terrorism, HMCS Fredericton will integrate with Combined Task Force 150 (CTF 150).

HMCS Fredericton’s participation in Operation Saiph (Sa-eef, meaning ‘sword’ in Arabic) represents Canada’s ongoing contribution and commitment to international peace and security and confirms that Canada’s Navy remains relevant, responsive and effective in the new security environment.

Photo credit: Corporal Peter Reed, Formation Imaging Services, Halifax, Nova Scotia.

I dare you not to smile ....

Go check out this post on Pioneer Woman's Photography Site .  If you don't smile, please have someone check to make sure you are still breathing.

Elements ...

A funny thing happened at an FSG meeting a little while back.  Or maybe it was just my whacked sense of humour that found it amusing.

A few of the girls there, including the Group leader, are energy work practitioners or other "new age" or pagan type folks.

The group leaders hubs, a Captain with the local reserve unit,(who is sensitive himself), was making small talk, and he said to me "What element is (theWolf)".  I replied "Air", but as he walked away, it occured to me that depending on who was listening, that conversation could be taken two completely different ways!

From an astrological perspective the Wolf is Fire; I am Water with strong overtones of Earth.

While I am blending the two topics, here is a book I am wanting to read; American perspective (as are most) but it looks interesting.  I am not sure whose blog I originally found it on; but here is a link to it on Chapters/Indigo's web site:

Faith and Magick in the Armed Forces: A Handbook for Pagans in the Military;
Author: Stefani E. Barner

Red Friday - Support the Troops

IS2010-2000-06     28 Mar 2010     Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina

NATO EUFOR Headquarters, Camp Butmir

CF members of OPERATION BRONZE take part in a ceremony for the dedication of the Canadian memorial to CF members who fell during the Balkan Missions, as a part of the closeout ceremonies for OPERATION BRONZE.

The Government of Canada has announced the end of Canadian Forces (CF) deployment in Bosnia Herzegovina with the close out of OPERATION BRONZE and the return of the deployed team, Task Force Balkans to Canada.

The last of a long series of missions in the central Balkan nation, OPERATION BRONZE began in 2004. For the last year Task Force Balkans has comprised of 5 Officers and one Non Commissioned member serving NATO Headquarters in Sarajevo. The primary focus of Operation Bronze was defence reform, especially to facilitate the reintegration of veterans of the Balkans war into civil society, and the entry of Bosnia & Herzegovina into NATO's Partnership for Peace Program.


Photo Credit:  MCpl David Cribb
 

Stay Safe, Sebastian

Getting ready to say "Stay safe, and take care of yourself", again.

My good friend Sebastian heads off to play in the sand soon. At this point, the off the record rumours he has been hearing, and various things they have been instructed to do in preparation for this deployment, indicate he could be away for a very long time. In the last 6 months, Sebastian has gone from being my rock and my voice of reason, to being a very good friend, to soemone who holds a very special place in my heart.

I have already decided on his "thanks for being you / deployment gift"; he will arrive to a package from me containing, in addition to the usual stuff, a pair of these:


Oakley Polarized Half Jacket XLJ's, with a spare pair of lenses. I figure they are usefull and portable; Sebastian will be outside the wire most of the time, and so I can't load him up with the same types of things I have been sending to the Wolf, who is stationary for the most part. Not only that, I hope he sends a pic back, because he will look pretty hot in them ;-)

We finally had the "lets get all our cards on the table" talk last night, and have decided a potential deployment of over a year is not likely the best thing for a budding relationship; we are "just good friends" at this point, and will stay that way for the duration of the deployment. While we acknowledge we have fairly strong feelings for each other, and all things being equal will see where things are when he comes home, while he is gone we are just good friends. And I am, quite seriously, OK with that. The man has his head screwed on right; this is not separation anxiety, this is reasonable and realistic. We had an honest talk about the way we both feel, and we are comfortable with the way things are. He did not tell me not to feel the way I do, nor did he appologize for or make light of his own feelings. It was very refreshing.

That's not to say I am not going to miss him like crazy, worry about him, or occasionally have some dark days. I am sure I will. I care very deeply for him, and the fact that we are not "in a (romantic) relationship" has absolutely nothing to do with that.

With his job, while he is away communication with him will likely be very sporadic. I have no idea how often I will be able to have interaction with him. I like to think that I will be OK in that, secure in the knowledge that he will contact me when he has a chance, and than he knows I am thinking of him, no matter how often my letters and packages reach him, wherever he may be.

~~~~~~~~~

I was doing some reorganizing of my apartment last night, and wondered briefly if I will ever not have a corner of a room with open cardboard boxes in the process of being filled for various deployed friends. I currently have 3 different boxes going for 3 different folks; when one is full and sent off an empty one replaces it.

In honesty, I likely always will, as long as I have access to someone to send things to (Canada does not allow the "any soldier" parcel any more; you need to send it specifically to someone). The sending of care packages lets those of us that are part of "Task Force: Home Front" feel that we are helping out; allows us to maintain the connection to "our" troops.

From "Ontario Dust", written by Archie Fisher

Wordless Wednesday

Fitness Challenge

OK folks, another "Out of the closet" moment:

I am trying to loose some weight, tone up, and get healthier. As part of that, I have joined

and committed to walking and/or running 200 miles between now and the end of June.

If you care to join me, head on over and sign up!

Counting time again. (Still? Forever?)

(Part 3 of "She" will happen, I am just taking some time to get some other things out.)

Less than 3 weeks until Sebastian, and a few other friends, leave.

Slightly less than 5 months until the Wolf returns.

I am not sure which one I am more nervous about.

Sebastian is heading off to do a job, in a area, that has him rather worried.  This will be his 4th tour in the sand; this is not first time jitters.  I am obviously not going into any sort of detail here, but from what he has explained to me his concerns certainly seem justified.  It is a job that needs to be done, so the folks charged with it, he and his team, will go do it.  Sebastian is also in a leadership role/rank/position.  He is not (admitting to be) concerned about his own safety; he is concerned that he will not be bringing his entire team home, that he will not be able to protect the brave men who share this task with him. 

Having seen first hand the devestating effects of survivor guilt, I pray that he is wrong; that their tasks get accomplished and that every one of them, including Sebastian, comes back to the people that love them, safe, physically and mentally.

~~~~~~~~~

As an interesting aside, I did something at work last week (chainsawing, on a steep slope, without anyone else present) that was stupid.  I did twist my knee, but nothing worse.  Sebastian was giving me crap, and I said to him "Look me in the eye and tell me you have never taken a stupid but calculated risk to get a job done that needed doing".  He conceeded my point.  It didn't make either of us feel any better.

~~~~~~~~~

As the Wolf's return date draws closer, it is also on my mind.

Now I know some of you are thinking "5 months??  What the heck is her definition of closer???"  but consider a few things:
~ I haven't seen the boy in the flesh since the end of July, so yes this does seem like an "imminent arrival", at this point
~ my work schedule will make the next 2.5 months literally fly by; I won't notice the passage of time; next time I "pay attention" it will be mid June, and the coutdown will really be on
~ The Wolf's sister in law, lovely well meaning woman, is already gently making suggestions about getting the two of us together when he is home.
~ it's my brain, it can process things the way it wants to.

So what will happen when the Wolf returns?  (Yes, I know I shouldn't be borrowing trouble, I should just wait and let things happen when they do.  Did you read the paragraph at the top?  The one that says this is my place to purge my daemons??)

Will I be able to stick to my guns, tell him I don't want anything to do with him unless he is sober, and agrees to get help, and even then I don't know if we can heal from what has happened?
Will I even want to see him?
Will he want to see me?

Part of me thinks I still need the face to face closure.
Part of me, if I am completely honest, still thinks I can "save him" ~ convince him to see how destructive his behaviour is to himselft and those around him, convince him to reach out for the help that is available
Part of me wants to run and hide, find out exactly when he will be in this province, and make arrangements to be somewhere else ... but I know, in my heart, that would leave me wondering "what if"
Part of me has moved on, and doesn't want to see the hurt in his eyes if I tell him that.  Although I may be flattering myself that it would hurt him.
Part of me will always be his friend.  And part of me is pretty pissed with him.

~~~~~~~~~

There are times I don't know if I can do this; but I care for both of these men, and so I must.  I love with my whole heart, and that means that I worry, but they need to do what they do, and I respect and support that.

~~~~~~~~~

Another turn of the wheel's gone round, leaving something else to rise above

One more emotional deal's gone down; Another trial for the power of love ...

(A Turn of the Wheel, Rawlins Cross, 1989)

If you don't stand behind the troops ...

... feel free to stand in front of them.

I saw this bumper sticker again on a car today.  I have seen this slogan on t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers, web sites, and e-mail signatures.

It offends me.   (I declare this can of worms.... OPEN!)

Just give me a second.

I support the troops.  I really do.

To me, my gut reaction to the slogan is that it implies that people who don't support the troops should stand in front of them ... either to be shot by them, or to be used as human shields.  Which I am pretty sure is the kind of things the people we are fighting against do, not the kind of thing our own troops do.

I *understand* what is really being implied ~ that if you don't support the troops, try doing their job, seeing what they see ... but to me, that is not being made clear in the message.

I certainly haven't asked them all, but I like to think that the majority of our Canadian troops (and American, and British, and Australian, and ... you get it) would defend a civilian's right to their opinion, even if it differed from their own ... even if it meant them not agreeing with the approved mission, or "supporting the troops".  I would like to think that most of them would not want a civilian standing in front of them in an active theater.

I try to be clear, and only say things I mean.  To me, that slogan does not say what I mean.

Comments, as always, welcome and expected.  Please feel free to disagree with me!

Red Friday - Support the Troops

AR2010-0047-11     11 March 2010    
Kandahar, Afghanistan

Approximately 15 Canadian Engineers spend two days assembling the Mabey Johnson bridge in the area where two local nationals and an ISAF soldier were killed and three local nationals were injured on March 1st when the suicide bomber drove his car into an on-coming convoy.

Joint Task Force Afghanistan (JTF-Afg) is the Canadian Forces (CF) contribution to the international effort in Afghanistan. Its operations focus on working with Afghan authorities to improve security, governance and economic development in Afghanistan. JTF-Afg comprises more than 2,750 CF members.


Photo credit: Master Corporal Matthew McGregor, Image Tech, JTFK Afghanistan, Roto 8

She (part 2)

(Part 2 of my totally biased account of the woman my brother chose to marry)

So, my brother and She are continuing to try IVF to conceive a child.  They have long since stopped the "usual" way of trying to conceive a child; and their relationship totally revolves around the IVF cycle.  She is depressed; my brother has reservations, but believes that she will "get better" if they have a baby; and believes she will be shattered if he says he wants to stop trying.

Every time a doctor tells them it is time to give up, she wages her mental warfare, and they find a new doctor who will treat them.

Eventually, a doctor convinces her that the problem may be with her eggs; they try donor eggs, but still no luck.  Somehow, she finds enough detail on the egg donor to find her blog, and starts on-line stalking the egg donor.

Adoption has been discussed, and rejected by her, a number of times, but finally it seems like the best option.  She wants a baby girl; Caucasian.  The best option at the time and for people their age is Russia; mother Russia tends to keep its girls, and adopt the boys out of country.  She agrees.

Part way through the process, they are offered a pair of brothers.  My brother believes this is a great idea; siblings, they will have someone to talk to and at least a little continuity, and he and She will have their family at once.  They agree.

The rest of that story was posted a few days ago.

After the boys leave, my brother goes into a depression.  I was very concerned about him, as were a number of his friends.  He does not want to be around her, but does not have the energy to leave.  Since she has not worked full time since they got engaged, he says he is concerned about what it will do to him financially to leave her. I think that was an excuse.  I am more concerned about what it will do to him mentally and emotionally if he doesn't.

He eventually starts to heal, and begins consulting with a lawyer, preparing to separate from her.  She is still being treated by a psychiatrist; however every time the psychiatrist tries to get her to take any ownership of what happened with the boys, and responsibility, she quits going and demands a new therapist.  So not a lot of progress is being made.  He is afraid if he tells her he is leaving, she will kill herself.  (She has said as much to him)

On my birthday, most years, my brother and I spend the day together and go to the driving range, and take out our frustrations with clubs on little white balls.  That year we went, and over lunch after, he told me that they had some fertilized donor eggs left, and he was torn.  He didn't want her to gain custody of them when they split, but he couldn't bring himself to destroy them either.  She had been badgering at him to try one more time; and he was going to give in.  He said it was basically the same as destroying them, but might satisfy her.

In my normally gentle, tactful way, I asked him if he was fucking crazy.  I reminded him of that guy Murphy, and said "What if it works?  What if she gets pregnant?  Will you ever be able to walk out that door and leave her with a child and not wonder what is going to happen?"

He would not answer me.

A few months later, he called to tell me they were successfully pregnant.  He wanted to give me time to get over my shock before I saw her face to face.

to be continued ....