Fear, and torture

I don't think I'd do well with being water boarded.


First off, I don't care for being upside down. I have low blood pressure, and when I'm upside down the blood pools in my head and makes my eyeballs hurt. I learned this in my early 20's when a fellow I was dating offered to let me see what his fall arrest harness felt like. He hung me from the garage roof ... and then he and his friends went for a beer. At some point of trying to get out, I flipped upside down. I couldn't get myself flipped back upright, so I hung there for a while. I was very upset when they came finally came back.


I am also disturbed by the thought of drowning. I do not say afraid because I enjoy water sports; fear of drowning while swimming, kayaking, or diving does not enter my head. I have always thought, however, that drowning would be one of the least pleasant ways to die.


When I was young, I almost drowned. I was doing underwater summersaults in water that was much too shallow, and got stuck. Upside down. With my head and shoulders wedged up against something. I was afraid, but it was a totally different kind of fear than the panicked terror I felt when I found the tarantula. Drowning was a calmer fear, if that makes sense, more of an "I am going to die, but I'm really not ready to; I really don't want to. Wonder what I can do about this?"  
Where as the tarantula fear was more of an "OHDEARGODTHAT'SABIGSPIDER.REALLYBIGSPIDERreallybigspider...ANDITSFRACKINGMOVING ...awesome ... whimper ...".
Drowning (almost) wasn't like that.  I was gasping and puking when I finally fought loose and got upright, but I never felt irrational, I never felt hysteria.


S and I had a conversation about the nature of fear.  (and may I add, props to the guy for taking it totally in stride when I come out with, apropos of nothing "I don't think I'd do well with being water boarded").  He likened the "rational" fear to going into shock when faced with a serious injury - your brain shuts down all but what it "has to" do to survive.  Where as he guesses that somewhere my brain "knew" that the odds of the tarantula being the deadly kind were slim (and it wasn't, it was a male desert blonde tarantula, about as dangerous as a wasp sting), so my survival instincts didn't kick in, and I was free to freak out.


So I am not sure which fear would kick in if I were being water boarded (not that its likely, but still ...) and I really don't care to find out.


Welcome to how my mind sometimes wanders ...

Peace ....

Sebastian has safely arrived in the land of sand.

He is OK, and I am OK.

It is amazing the difference that open honest communication makes. He las "left" physically, georgraphically, but he has not "left" emotionally or mentally.

I reported a few weeks ago that we had talked, and decided that a deployment was not a good thing for a budding relationship, and that we would agree to be "friends" during the deployment, no expectations, no commitments. Words are great things, aren't they?

We spent 4 hours on video chat the day before the left. We talked about hopes, fears, funeral arrangements, wills, my involvement with his family ... and we laughed, joked, shared ... and we talked about the future. No matter how much "lip service" we gave to "just friends", there was obvious overtones to the conversations, and many references to things that would happen when he comes home. Things that we would do together.

We connected, deeply, emotionally, and solidly.

He texted me from the bus, from the coffee shop, from the departure base, from the plane itself; from the stopover, and when he arrived. We had a quick text conversation at 3 am my local, to let me know he was safe, he was there, he was hot [like I didn't know that ;-) ] and that he would be incontact again when he could. He acknowledged my fears as real, and reminded me that he is trained, prepared for this, and damn good at his job ... and has things worth coming home to.

It is amazing how calm I am with this. There have been tears, of course, but not nearly the level of anxiety i had when the Wolf left. Sebastian has been very honest with me about the dangers of this deployment, the dangers of the first mission they are prepared for, and the very real fear he has that he is not bringing all his men home.

Yet I am calm; I have faith. I believe this is because I can still feel the strong emotional connection. My mind does not have as much room to imagine things, because I have a lot more of it filled up with things I "know". While some of the things I "know" are scary, they also give me comfort.

We're gonna be OK.

Creepies (Fear Friday)

One of my bloggy friends does a "fear Friday", on the theory that confession is good for the soul.  I think everyone, or almost everyone, has things they are irrationally afraid of.  For me, it is spiders.  I have a complete phobia of them.

So of course, the Wolf keeps offering to send me home one of these: 

That would be a Camel Spider.  Their Scientific name translates to "Those Who Flee From The Sun".  I suggested garlic and a wooden stake.  Sgt Chimo reports that the preferred method is a flame thrower.

I made a face book comment about Camel Spiders, and another friend pointed out to me this lovely creature: Camel Crickets ( aka Spider Crickets, Sand Treaders).

Now I am normally fond of insects and arthropods, with the general exception of spiders, ticks, and centipedes (although I don't mind harvest men (daddy-long-legs) and I think millipedes rock).  But there are some thing in the world that just creep me out.