No, I haven't been caught up in an affair with a married man. Not yet, anyway.
But its a possibility.
A very good friend of mine now lives, very happily, with the man she left her abusive husband for. Anyone who sees them together knows they truly belong together, you can almost feel it emanating from them. She is the originator of the title. Her line to her now ex was exactly that - "What do you do when you meet your soul mate, but you're already married to someone else?"
She had mitigating circumstances - her ex was abusive, a drug addict, and an alcoholic ... and the father of her child. Getting out of an abusive relationship was the right thing for her and her child (and, as it turned out, her ex - it was the reality check he needed, somewhat). But at the end of the day, she still fell in love with someone while she was married.
I have a few other friends who have met their soul mates while they were still married, and have made the choice to leave their marriages to be with their true loves. It hasn't been easy for them, but they all say it was the right choice. They all tell me, however, to be very, very careful.
So yes, W is stuck in a loveless marriage. He and his wife are basically room mates, sharing a house, and yes, sharing the raising of children. They haven't shared a bed, or even a bedroom, in a number of years. They don't share their lives, or their passions; their dreams, desires, or feelings.He shares his hopes, his dreams, his feelings, his frustrations; his laughs and his tears, with me. And things are dancing on a very thin edge right now. Even though we call it a friendship, I know he lies to his wife about where he is when he is with me. A number of times I have had to stop myself before I lean over and kiss him; because it just feels so much like the right thing to do. I know he feels the same.
He says he stays for the children.
I was raised in a house where my parents didn`t like each other. Mom stayed because she was afraid of what people would think. Dad stayed because he didn`t want to leave us alone with mom, and I think because he was scared to be alone.
They both said they stayed because of my brother and I.
By the time I was 14, I had turned this, in my brain, into it was my fault they were miserable. They didn`t want to be together; they stayed for us; therefor it was my fault they were unhappy.
It also taught me to stay in a relationship that was unhappy. I stayed way longer than I should have. I stayed with a man who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive - because that`s what I had, subconsciously, learned - you stay. Just like my brother has stayed in a marriage that makes him miserable.
I want to tell W this. I want him to really think about what he is teaching his children. If his son or daughter were in a relationship like his, what would he want them to do? Because what he is teaching them, is to stay. Even if they are unhappy.
I want to tell him that his children are not stupid, that they see what is going on, and it hurts them.
But I am torn. I want to tell him; but I don't want to do it for selfish reasons. I don't want him to leave his wife for me. I don't want to sound like I am asking him to.
But its killing me to see him like this, and to wonder what if. I want him to be happy. I don't want his daughter to feel the things I felt, to learn the things I learned.
Tell him! What are friends for if not to tell each other the truth? But make him understand, though, you are only offering advice and that there is no ulterior motive. If his situation changes and he becomes free, then take you time in developing a relationship. Remember, if he 'acourt'n you'. It is still the 'I'll show you the good stuff' and not the real person', who will come out eventually. Be careful, too. Messing with a married man, regardless of his situation, is a messy and dangerous thing. LYLT
ReplyDeleteThanks honey. I am trying to be careful, I really am. And I'm trying to not do anything I will second guess myself for, or worse, later.
DeleteLYLT
I have to second Coffeypot. It is easy to see one person's side of things, particularly when there is an unarguable attraction.
ReplyDeleteAny woman can tell you that there is a time in life with kids where there is very little spark, mostly just exhaustion. If a man is fully committed, he's as exhausted as the woman, otherwise he's probably practicing a form of patriarchy that holds him separate and above the fray. I wouldn't want a man who is in a relationship that isn't working because *he's not actively working on the relationship, just in a holding pattern.*
Any marriage is brutally hard, and also completely possible. There are ebbs and flows. But an abusive spouse is not doing the work, and neither is a bored one. Having said that, I agree. I grew up in a house where people stayed together for the kids and split when we were fully grown. But I would not have wanted a guy like my father who could never, ever see his own complicity in the brokenness. (I can tell you he demonstrated his own idiocy again this week, 20 years after he left my mom so it was always as much him as her.)
Tread carefully, B. Search inside for the part of you that has compassion for your sister, the woman in that relationship. Because if you end up in a relationship with this man, she will become your sister in that she is the mother of children you would then inherit and you will have a relationship with her that is as sick or as healthy as the choices you make.
<3
Thank you. Especially that last paragraph ... it has weight.
DeleteThe children are old enough to ... not b completely exhausting, LOL. One in double digits, one not far behind. And I have heard from independent sources that he does the majority of the child minding/rearing etc. But I know there are many sides to any story like this as well.
I am doing my damnedest to be careful ... I really am.
More to come ...