An American MilSpouse, whose hubs was wounded in April.
Go share some love.
http://sissyben.blogspot.com/
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Feeling Safe
The thoughts and feelings of the last month are going to come out of my head in random bits and pieces, likely not in the order that you want to hear it, but in the order my head seems to be dictating.
The thing that is at the top of my head right now: someone's right to feel safe in their own house.
When things have gone south with the Wolf, in the past or this most recent time, a number of friends have offered their homes as "safe houses" where the Wolf is less likely to be able to track me. Or, like Sebastian, where they want the Wolf to track me, so they can deal with him ... but that's another post.
(Thanks to the folks who read here who extended such offers ♥ )
I work with a fellow who is also a good friend; he does my same job in a different district. Mid May, when the most recent BS with the Wolf started, he offered his home as shelter for a few days, if I needed a place to mentally and/or physically escape to.
His wife was not in agreement with his offer, which he made without consulting her, and it caused a huge fight between them. She was angry with him for "inviting danger into their home". I took her side in this fight.
I admit I was, for the initial few moments, hurt by her reaction. I very quickly realized, however, that she has every right to feel safe in her own home, and if my being there would compromise that, it wasn't a judgement or rejection of me. It wasn't her wishing me danger; I am sure she realized I had many other options. I do not know what she has dealt with in the past; I don't actually know her well at all.
I have realayed this story to a few friends, who get angry on my behalf, and the first question asked is "Do they have children?". They do not, but why does that matter? Is someone's right to feel safe themselves lessened by the fact they do not have children? I do not think so. Of course, I don't have children myself, either.
Maybe it is a coping mechanism on my part to step back and look at the reactions of others around me during this, but I find it fascinating the way people reacted - and trust me, there will be more posts on that too - but most of all, the way a number of people assumed that the reaction that was right for them, was the "only" right reaction, for eveyone else, and for me as well.
The thing that is at the top of my head right now: someone's right to feel safe in their own house.
When things have gone south with the Wolf, in the past or this most recent time, a number of friends have offered their homes as "safe houses" where the Wolf is less likely to be able to track me. Or, like Sebastian, where they want the Wolf to track me, so they can deal with him ... but that's another post.
(Thanks to the folks who read here who extended such offers ♥ )
I work with a fellow who is also a good friend; he does my same job in a different district. Mid May, when the most recent BS with the Wolf started, he offered his home as shelter for a few days, if I needed a place to mentally and/or physically escape to.
His wife was not in agreement with his offer, which he made without consulting her, and it caused a huge fight between them. She was angry with him for "inviting danger into their home". I took her side in this fight.
I admit I was, for the initial few moments, hurt by her reaction. I very quickly realized, however, that she has every right to feel safe in her own home, and if my being there would compromise that, it wasn't a judgement or rejection of me. It wasn't her wishing me danger; I am sure she realized I had many other options. I do not know what she has dealt with in the past; I don't actually know her well at all.
I have realayed this story to a few friends, who get angry on my behalf, and the first question asked is "Do they have children?". They do not, but why does that matter? Is someone's right to feel safe themselves lessened by the fact they do not have children? I do not think so. Of course, I don't have children myself, either.
Maybe it is a coping mechanism on my part to step back and look at the reactions of others around me during this, but I find it fascinating the way people reacted - and trust me, there will be more posts on that too - but most of all, the way a number of people assumed that the reaction that was right for them, was the "only" right reaction, for eveyone else, and for me as well.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The story so far ...
Before I go on too many ranty posts, I suppose I should fill you all in on what actually happened over the last month or so.
You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address. I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...
Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.
On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address. He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in. She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".
I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.
S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info
{I did}
S: {Pause ...} {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.
He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to. I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him. He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.
Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts. So, I have been a little edgy lately. The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file. They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.
Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom. The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).
I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's. After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf.
The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me. The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)
I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this.
As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.
You might remember this post, from January 13th, 2011, when my gut told me the Wolf was the "anonymous someone" trying to find my new home address. I did end up talking to S about it the next time I was with him, he strongly encouraged me to go to the Wolf's Chain of Command (CoC); which I did not do ...
Since then, there had been a few more random forwarded e-mails; some bulk forwards, some forwarded to me only.
On May 17th, a good friend from "home", who had gone to high school with the Wolf and I, let me know the Wolf had contacted her looking for my address. He claimed that he had discovered some new gluten-free food that he thought I would be interested in. She declined to give him my contact info, and offered to pass info along to me; although, as she succinctly summed up, she assumed this new product was called "Bullshit".
I was rattled by this news ... and was still rattled 1/2 hour later when Sebastian contacted me to see how my day was going.
S: {angry} OK, that's it, give me {The Wolf's} last name and squadron info
{I did}
S: {Pause ...} {much softer} You didn't argue with me ... it's gonna be OK, sweetie ... I'll call you right back.
He called back a little while later with the Wolf's CoC contact info, and asked if I would do it, or if I wanted him to. I replied that I knew I wasn't making good decisions with regards to the Wolf, and told S to tell me what to do ... which I think really rattled him. He looked after contacting the Wolf's CoC for me, and they relayed again to the Wolf that I wanted no contact from him, directly or indirectly.
Unfortunately, I know that statistically when a male individual who is involved in harassing-stalking behaviour is confronted by a male authority figure, more often than not the harassing behaviours escalates into actual violent acts. So, I have been a little edgy lately. The local regional police force is aware of the history between the Wolf and I, and have an open, ongoing file. They were waiting for more info from me; none of us thought there was an immediate threat or sense of urgency, and I was in my crazy season for work.
Two weeks ago, there was an incident at the Legion where I used to bar tend, with a military individual matching the Wolf's description entered the bar, gave his rank and trade as the same as the Wolf, but a different name, acted very oddly, and after he left a package of "date rape" drugs were found in the men's washroom. The next day an individual consistent with the same description was seen hanging out in a black SUV outside my office door (I was away on course, thank goodness!).
I obviously immediately notified the police, and the MP's. After a very stressful few days ( during which I was placed in "protective custody" at Sebastian's place ~ quite enjoyable! ) it was resolved that the individual in the SUV was not the same individual from the bar, neither one was the Wolf, the Wolf was safely at the base where he belongs, and the Military Member who was at the bar claims not to have a connection to the Wolf.
The police are suspicious, and are still entertaining the possibility that he was sent to "deliver a message" to me. The police and the MP's have both contacted the Wolf's CoC, and had them re-enforce to him that if there is any further contact, direct or indirect, that criminal charges will be laid, including things from the past that "meet the threshold for assault under the criminal code". (Yes, I now can talk like a cop)
I am home again, albeit with a new "safety plan" in place, and a much greater awareness of some things. I truly, truly hope this is the end of this.
As I said earlier, it has been a growth experience, and more thoughts from this will continue to drip out of my head in the days to come.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
When you can't crawl ...
Well hello there, folks!
My crazy busy season at work is finally over, and I might have an internet solution for out here in the boonies, where I moved to.
So much to update you all on - work, new house, settling in, gardening, wildife ...
... and the Wolf has re-appeared, and not in a good way. There has been a lot of drama over the last month, involving the civillian police, the MP's, and the Wolf's Chain of Command ... but everything seems to be calm for now, and everyone, including me, is safe.
It was very much an opportunity for me to face some deamons, and to grow through some things, with some help from my friends. I learned to be weak, to be vulnerable, and to ask for help. That you can be weak, and find your way back to strong. And you can trust the people who love you not to judge, and to help you not judge yourself quite so harshly.
Will be posting more updates soon.
Love you all
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Tracey: When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that...
Zoë: You find someone to carry you.
My crazy busy season at work is finally over, and I might have an internet solution for out here in the boonies, where I moved to.
So much to update you all on - work, new house, settling in, gardening, wildife ...
... and the Wolf has re-appeared, and not in a good way. There has been a lot of drama over the last month, involving the civillian police, the MP's, and the Wolf's Chain of Command ... but everything seems to be calm for now, and everyone, including me, is safe.
It was very much an opportunity for me to face some deamons, and to grow through some things, with some help from my friends. I learned to be weak, to be vulnerable, and to ask for help. That you can be weak, and find your way back to strong. And you can trust the people who love you not to judge, and to help you not judge yourself quite so harshly.
Will be posting more updates soon.
Love you all
Tracey: When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that...
Zoë: You find someone to carry you.
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