There is a bit of a debate going on right now on a MilSpouse/Family chat board I frequent, and discretion being the better part of valour and all, I haven't been as blunt there as I would like to be. So I am going to let some things out here, to get them out, since it is weighing heavily on my emotions.
For those of my readers who *know* who Sebastian is in real life, you are likely about to learn some things you didn't know ... please keep them to yourself. While he likes to be honest about his experiences with PTSD, in the hopes of helping others and reducing the stigma involved ... it is not something he is proud of.
The trigger: There is a new mother on the chat board who is having a hard time dealing with her new baby, plus her child from a previous relationship, post-pregnancy hormones, recovery from a C-section ... and a deployed husband. She is frustrated, depressed, and resentful of her husband and his chosen career.
The part of her post that really resonated with me was when she said she was thinking about "taking a break from her husband", although I assume, based on other context, she actually means taking a break from communication with him.
The Backstory:
(author's note: I am editing this paragraph at 23:15, not in response to comments that appear below, but only to remove some details I included that I am no longer comfortable sharing. They might be details that could later be mis-used, and my comfort level is a little lower than normal right now)
Sebastian was in the sand and starting his second tour when a couple of incidents resulted in significant casualites, and left the troops physically and emotionally exhausted. This was the beginning of a tour that would see many such emotionally draining and morally damaging incidents.
Unfortunately, during this same tour, Sebastian's wife decided that she didn't care for the MilSpouse Existence, that she didn't like being "abandonded", that she wasn't going to put up with it ... and she withdrew from him. "Took a break" from him, if you will. She went further to fill her time with another man, but that is not her worst offence, in my view (and yes, I admit that I have only heard Sebastian's side of this story). She left him without the emotional base at home, the security of knowing his home life was there for him to come home to, when he had suffered emotional and moral trauma. She left him adrift to deal with the horrors that he was facing, without the momentary distractions that a phone call or e-mail from home, filled with little every day details, can provide. At this point in his life, he was also not in touch at all with his birth family.
When he came home, he tried to heal ... he tried to repair things with his wife... but she ended up leaving anyway, and his damage was so great, and his foundation and coping system so damaged, that in the end he gave up ... and tried to take his own life. Thank all the powers that be that he was found, and received treatment, both physical and mental, and is here today. He grew from this experience, but still bears the mental scars.
So when the woman on the chat board feels that one of the answers to her suffering is to cut her deployed husband out of the picture for a while ... I have a very deep, visceral reaction to that, because I know what that could do to her husband. Yes, I am sure that caring for a newborn while alone is hard. But I am pretty sure that being away from your wife and newborn, while people are shooting at you and trying to blow you up, is also pretty freaking hard, and loosing that contact from home, that foundation that helps you get through your days ... I know she would not forgive herself if something happened to him.
And right now I am having a very, very hard time forgiving her for considering that option.
It probably doesn't help that there are some frequency/jamming issues right now and I can't actually communicate with Sebastian much ... and I am feeling kinda needy, myself. This has stirred up a lot of feeling. I know he knows that I am here, that I am not going anywhere, and that I am strong enough to handle the separation. He may not need to hear it from me again, but I need to tell him. I did send him an e-mail (that I am sure will make him wonder where the hell that came from), but I just ... need.
Hopefully dumping some of the emotion here will help.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
8 comments:
I can see from StatCounter that some of you are trying to comment, but those comments are not making it through. I was unable to comment on Blogs while using Internet Explorer; I had to switch to Google Chrome.
I love hearing your thoughts, and do publish everything that isn't spam.
If you are having trouble, you can also e-mail me: wolfandcrowblog (at) yahoo (dot) ca
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Are you aware that on the same board you are talking about you have a link to your blog. That is how I found you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know the whole story. You have no idea what she is going through. Everyone's story is different. For all we know she is suffering from PPD which is also a very serious issue.
We can not judge anothers situtation. All we can do is be there for them. She is lonely with a newborn and another child so no sleep at all. I wouldn't be surprised if she has PPD. Yes her husband may be deployed but that does not mean that her feelings and her emotions have no value.
Then to top it all off you come here and blog about what comes across as making her out to be a selfish you know what which I bet is the farthest thing from the truth.
Imagine how she will feel ever worse and more like her feelings have no grounds if she comes over here and reads this.
Way to support a fellow military wife. Wait a minute you aren't a military wife. You don't even know what you are. You are a friend to a deployed soldier and the ex to another.
Not to devalue your situation like you are doing to hers but I mean really can you truly understand how she feels? Not like your husband is deployed and you are home alone with a child and a newborn because in fact you are single and writing a blog post that would make another person feel even worse than she already does if she were to read it.
Response to "Anonymous"
ReplyDeleteI just went back and read everything I had written, and gave honest thought to the points you raised in your comment. I am not going to get into a pissing contest here with you, and I have never deleted anyone's comment on this blog, and I am not about to start now.
However, I feel the need to respond to your ... allegations.
First of all, I was not aware there was a link to my blog on the chat board, and if you would be so kind as to let me know where it is, I will try to remove it, to prevent the woman in question from finding this post by accident.
There is a reason I said what I said here, and not there.
You are right, I do not know her whole story. And I am not judging her, or her situation. I am letting out my story, and my emotion, and how the incident has made me feel.
I had no intention to imply she was being selfish. But I freverently hope that she does not make the choice to cut her husband out of her, and her new born's life ... and I stand by that.
I have sympathy for her, and I am glad to read she is getting support. But her initial comment abuot cutting her husband out upset me greatly.
I do not appologize for anything I have said above, nor do I feel the need to retract anything.
Thank you for your visit, and your comment.
i dont see any degradation of the "newmom" in your post and cant figure out where miss "anonymous" is getting her reasoning to be so harsh towards you!! and as you know, i full out support your opinions! Shutting out your spouse is a BAD idea, REGARDLESS whats going on back here! POINT BLANK!
ReplyDelete~For better, or worse, til death do us part~
I am a member of that site as well, and I see nothing wrong with what you said. You clearly stated why you didn't write it on there and here instead and I think that it's pretty nice of you to have considered the new mother's feelings that way. As for anonymous' comment, I think it's harsh of them to judge you that way. And I hope that what they said does not make you feel any less married to the CF. Because, as they pointed out, you may not be "married" but you sure are dedicated !
ReplyDeleteEveryone is entitled to their opinions, which are typically based on their life experiences.
ReplyDeleteMy life experience suggests that women who emotionally abandon deployed soldiers are doing the entire situation a disservice (and in my true, unkind, opinion, there is a special place in hell for people who abandon their loved ones).
"Way to support a fellow military wife. Wait a minute you aren't a military wife. You don't even know what you are. You are a friend to a deployed soldier and the ex to another. "
ReplyDeleteI have to wonder about someone who can express such bitterness but only anonymously, who has such doubts about any relationship that doesn't include a marriage certificate and someone who supports cutting off communications between a husband and wife.... especially when one of them is in such a truly awful place.
Basinah has made an invaluable point, a man fighting a war should never be punished in such a way..... and is punishing him because she resents being alone. May I also remind you that the lady who made the comment also said that she didn't want him to come home because they needed the money. As far as I'm concerned that's a pretty despicable reason. If your resenting someone for leaving you behind with a newborn while they are at war, punishing them by taking a break from them but also having them stay because of the money........... not exactly a military wife that I want to support.
Dear Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI see you have been back a few times to monitor this, but I am still waiting to find out where the link to my blog is on MCF. I recall PMing it to a few people, but don't recall ever posting it on the site. I would really, really like to know where it is, so I can have it deleted.
If you are uncomfortable revealing yourself, you can use an anonymous web service, or set yourself up a fake e-mailaddy at hotmail, and e-mail me at wolfandcrowblog@yahoo.ca ; this e-mail can also be found by clicking on my profile to the right of this page.
Everyone else: Thank you for the messages of support.
Your blog is not posted anywhere on the site that I can find it... and I looked pretty hard. Unless someone clicks on someone else's blog and follows friend links they aren't going to find their way here from there.
ReplyDelete