The Wolf saga continues

Well, we have confirmed that I am not only still part of the pack, I am still the alpha female. And that while there might be (and always will be) the occasional other bitch sniffing around, my position is not in danger from any of the competition.

I did a virtual version of how an alpha female would really react the other night. I called him and verbally sunk my teeth into the scruff of his neck and pinned the dog to the ground and made him listen to me while I snarled at him. And he backed down and tucked tail.

Man did it feel good!

I needed to get the "other woman" thing on the table before it rolled around in my brain and festered. There have been no other women, and this is not just an excuse to have no-strings-attached sex while we are apart. This has never been his style, but I just needed to get it cleared up. It is also not a case of me not living up to expectations he had built up in his mind of who I was.

I think that may be yet another challenge to this long distance relationship beast we wrestle with. While separated, we both build up ideas of the other one, memories seen though rose coloured glasses, visions and day dreams of the future. And then they come home/we re-unite. And reality comes crashing in. And we can't read each other's minds, and don't understand the dis-appointment.

Back to tackling the Wolf.

I did warn him that I was PISSED, and since I feel it wasn't fair that he, who claims he doesn't want drama, is the one creating it, and since he did he could bloody well sit there and let me vent. I said it wasn't fair of him to decide whether I was or wasn't strong enough to handle him being gone, or the military life style. It wasn't fair of him to try to push me away when he was going to need his friends and family behind him. It wasn't fair of him to wrestle with and come to this conclusion without talking to me about it. It wasn't fair of him to blame me for things (an ex) had done to him. (The verbatim conversation was a bit longer than that, worded slightly stronger, and loud)

He agreed with me. Turkey. Do you know how hard it is to stay angry at someone who it telling you that you are right? Grrrrr ....

I told him that, I wanted to be angry, and it was really hard to be angry with someone who agreed with you instead of fighting back, and he laughed. Jerk. Then he made me laugh too. Double jerk.

So we made some small talk, talked about what we've done the last few days, and I cooled off a bit.

I told him I was still confused, and angry, and that I thought he was being a stupid jerk (and yes that was really the words I used). He said I might be right, but it was still his decision.

A counselor I know had suggested that when you are in discord with someone you visualize a sword cutting the lines that bind the two of you together, and then "tuck" the ends of the severed lines back into yourself to close the loop. I told him that, and then told him that when I visualize the sword in my hand, it wasn't the virtual lines between us I was cutting with it ... he laughed again. In all seriousness, I told him if I actually had my sword in my hand, I wanted to smack him upside the head with it and knock some sense into his thick skull.

He did promise to keep the lines of communication open; and to be honest if he either smartens up about us, or decides he does have feelings for someone else. He also promised to call his parents this weekend and talk to them; I told him that shutting everybody out makes it harder on us, not easier, and to quit being so gd selfish. I told him to suck it up and deal with the fact there are people that care about him, and he does owe them something.

I did ask him about the Croatia demons, and he told me to quit reading the on-line forum I go to . I said that wasn't it, and pointed out to him the fact he had been mentioning it a lot more often, out of context; sleeping less; drinking more, and all that stuff. He thought I have an over active imagination.

Despite his denial, I wanted to chew on him that this isn't Croatia again; and he isn't recce any more, he is a freakin' helo mech. He is not going to see the same shit he did "back when". He is pulling this whole "going into a war zone" crap - suck it up, princess, you are going to be inside the wire most of the time! Get over yourself.

But I didn't say that. I thought I had pushed enough for one night.

I asked him about sending me e-mails and texts as recently as August 30 telling me "I love you still", and accused him of lying to me, either then or now. He said that when he was saying that stuff he was trying to convince himself it was true. He admitted it wasn't fair of him to not tell me the truth about his uncertainty earlier, and especially not fair of him to wait until after I had bought the flippin' plane ticket to decide to come clean.

We ended on a "comfortable" note, I think. I still don't feel there was any closure, but I do feel like I have at least re-claimed some of my own "power" for lack of a better term, and had my say. But I really don't know how I feel. I will always love him, care for him ... you can't turn off 24 years of friendship ... but there is a bit of trust missing right now, if he could tell me he loved me when he was really trying to talk himself into it. Thank feels dishonest. And I still have a lot of hurt feelings I need to process. And he has made me no promises or commitments about the future. But he also didn't raise his voice, get defensive, or really avoid me during the conversation.

One of the things I am really wrestling with is his comment that the "I love you"s were him trying to talk himself in to it. That is maybe the most damaging thing, trust-wise, that has happened to date. If we ever get back to a place where he says that to me, how am I going to trust him? If we do heal this, what happens before the next deployment?

I got an e-mail from his sister-in-law the other day, asking for his deployment mailing address; she has been e-mailing him and he hasn't answered any of them. I sent her a very light, general reply - since he hasn't talked to any of his family since the end of July, I am sure they know nothing of the conflict between the two of us. And I am not going to be the one to tell them.

And life goes on ...