2010 Mission Statement

Every year around this time I write myself a "mission statement", or a theme for the year.

2009 was based around the quote "Don't let yourself get buried under layers of other people's expectations."  I didn't do too bad a job, but I still have a ways to go with it.

I am working on 2010's theme statement.  It is based around these basic thoughts:

1. Sometimes its better to be happy than to be right
2. I do not need to be in control of everything
3. I am not responsible for everything that happens; I do not need to feel guilty for, or try to fix, everything that goes wrong

Yesterday was the winter solstice, a time for new beginnings.  I will try to hold these thoughts in my mind, and continue to work on last year's mission, while I get through the next few weeks.

Wish me luck.

Depression, Medication, and Happiness

Last week my therapist (Thank you CF) did an assessment with me, and gently suggested that I talk to my doctor about medication for mild depression.  He did agree that it was likely situational, but thought it might help me in the short term.  On the assessment, I "scored" into the assessments for mild OCD and mild Anxiety Disorder, and into depression more than mildly.

I am very resistant to the idea of medication for depression.  

Its not that I don't think the meds will help. It's that the way I was raised sees it as admitting weakness, and that I should be able to just do it on my own because I am "smart enough", and I shouldn't need the meds, that it is weakness.  I should be able to "try harder" and "smarten up".  I wouldn't think that about anyone else, just about myself.  Like most of us, I am way harder on myself than I am on others.

I also admit that I am showing signs that are usually associated with clinical depression.  I have no ambition at work; and very little at home.  I don't go to the gym any more.  Once again I am very thankful for my dog, who is some days the only reason I voluntarily leave the house.  I have been eating very, very poorly.  I have been isolating myself from my friends, unless they basically force themselves on me.  My house is an absolute disaster.  Way worse than usual, for those of you that know me well ;-).  My house is usually messy; it is now absolutely chaotic, and verging on dirty.

So, what am I going to do about it?

I am going to go see the doctor; I have an appointment for next Tuesday.

I am going to continue seeing my therapist, as long as the CF continues to pay for it.

I am committing to cleaning up my kitchen first, and then my living room/bed room, spending at least 15 minutes a day cleaning and organizing.  (Thank you, Fly Lady, for once teaching me theses habits)

I am going to eat better; I will still allow myself treats, but I am going to eat 3 "real" meals a day, plus healthier snacks.  I am not going to become obsessive about this, but I am going to be better.  This will involve first cleaning my fridge, so I have room for healthy food.  Good thing I have a big composter. I will start using Fit Day again to track my progress with eating, and identify areas for improvement.



I am going to limit my caffiene (I have already started this - hello, headache).  Two or 3 diet cokes a week, and green tea in the morning only.

I will drink more water.



I am going to take all those vitamins and supplements my Doc recommended, instead of just leaving them sitting on the shelf gathering dust.  I paid for them, I might as well use them.


I am going to make a to do list of all my outstanding and imminent work commitments, and start knocking them off.  I will post the list somewhere where I see it when I am at my desk, so I can't get distracted by the issue of the moment.


I am also committing myself to getting my finances in order; through my work benefits, there is financial counseling available, and I will take advantage of that and come up with a plan to get things under control.

I will go to the gym at least once a week, and I will take the fur child for a long walk at least once a week.

You will notice that none of these resolutions have anything to do with the Wolf, or our relationship.  I am doing my damnedest to accept what happens there with Zen calm, and just take it day by day.  I am trying to realize that I can't control that, and just have to accept it for what it is.  I am going to try to not spend so much time on wishing and trying to predict the future; since that seems to lead to disappointment.

I will update my progress here from time to time, add more goals, and also comment on how this is affecting my outlook and attitude.

PTSD

Come on, what kind of Mil Spouse blog would this be without a post on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Seriously!

For info on PTSD, start here, then google to your heart's content, reading everything with a grain of salt.


I have two people in my "real" life with diagnosed PTSD (one civi, one military), and then there is the Wolf and his issues, which "everyone" thinks are PTSD/OSI. (OSI - Operational Stress Injury). I also have a number of bloggy/virtual friends who are caring for partners or family with PTSD.


Both of my "diagnosed" friends have or are receiving treatment for thier PTSD, and both have been absolutely invaluable to me as we work through this. ♥

PTSD is a difficult thing for families and friends. You need to be supportive and understanding without sacrificing your own mental and physical health, sense of self worth, etc.

The below is from the MayoClinic.com article referenced above:

When someone you love has PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder can significantly strain the emotional and mental health of the affected person's caregivers and loved ones. In fact, the term "compassion fatigue" was coined to describe the feelings, such as depression and helplessness, that commonly develop in those close to a person with PTSD.

Hearing about the trauma that led to your loved one's PTSD may be extremely painful for you, and may cause you to relive difficult events in your own life. The person you love may seem like a different person than you knew before the trauma — angry and irritable, for example, or withdrawn and depressed.

If someone you love has PTSD, you may find yourself avoiding his or her attempts to talk about the trauma, or feeling hopeless that your loved one's symptoms will improve. At the same time, you may feel guilty that you can't fix your loved one or hurry up his or her process of healing.

In order to take care of yourself and your loved one, it's critical that you make your own mental health a priority. Eat right, exercise, and rest. Continue to take time alone or with friends, doing activities that help you recharge. If you continue to have difficulty coping, talk with your doctor. He or she may refer you to a therapist who can help you work through your emotions.

A good blog (Canadian!) about Compassion Fatigue can be found here. Of course, if you are like me, it isn't so much a matter of knowing that you should take care of yourself, or even knowing how to take care of yourself, its a matter of actually doing it.

I get it on multiple fronts. I obviously care about the Wolf, and what he is going through right now, and want to do everything I can to support him. I am also involved in my local MFRC (Military Family Resource Center), and give some time, and emotional energy, there. I have a dear neighbour, T, who is going through some things, and of course I care about and am there for her. I have another friend, civi, with PTSD from a traumatic family accident a couple of years ago, who is in the healing process, and has good and bad days. My professional life is also pulled in many directions with projects about "caring and helping".

I am burnt out. I don't have a passion for my job any more, and I am a bit numbed to the hurt of the issue with the Wolf. I don't know if I am accepting it to work itself out because I have faith and peace that it will be OK, or because I am too burnt out to care any more.

And I don't know how to make the time to actually care for myself.

The World Doesn't Revolve Around Me.

I know, I know, it came as a shock to me too; but the truth is, to quote Reba McEntyre “The universe does revolve around a single point, but [I’m] not it”.

I have this habit of thinking that everything that happens is somehow connected to me. OK, let’s be honest – I have this habit of thinking, especially, that everything bad that happens is my fault, or at very least in response to something I did.

For example, I am trying to re-schedule an appointment with my chiropractor, and her office is not calling me back. Are they mad at me? Did I do something to annoy them?

Another example: The Wolf is being grumpy – did I piss him off? Oh God, he doesn’t love me anymore! It couldn’t be the upcoming deployment weighing on his mind, DND time wasting and inefficiencies stressing him out, or the joys of living most of his life in temporary accommodations, dressing out of a rucksack, and eating mess hall food or in restaurants … nope, its all gotta be my fault. I must have said or done something to annoy him.

Yes, I realize how silly this all looks when I write it down.

So my new resolution: I will NOT take everything personally. I will accept things at face value, and not second guess everything, or try to read hidden meanings into things.

I'll let you know how it goes.