She was talking about the different ways people give and want to receive love (affection), and how that, when couples do a questionaire on their preferred styles, partners more ofthen than not have their lists in the reverse order to each other.
The 5 styles defined in her methodology are
- Touch
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
Revelation 1: I've been a bit of a bitch about some things.
I have been realizing this over the last couple of weeks, but to explain it in the "love styles" terms: The Wolf likes to buy me things. Always has. And I am less than gracious about receiving them. When he wants to take me shopping and "Play Sugar Daddy", I am uncomfortable, I hate asking for things, and I buy stuff off the sale racks, which frustrates him. He buys me something every time he is away (which is a lot) and I always say "You don't have to buy me stuff every time you go away".
Have I been rejecting his style of love by doing this? I say all I want is to know that he thinks of me - and then I reject the way he chooses to show that he does think of me.
I recently received a present he sent me from the sandbox, and I truly loved it. I made sure I told him that. I was so excited I think I was a little over the top in my thanks - and he loved it. This was before I had conciously thought through what I have said above. But for the first time in a while I received a gift from him and didn't trivialize it or be uncomfortable, and things between us warmed a bit.
Revelation #2 - the way I show love has negative connotations to him
I am an "acts of service" kind of person. I show love for people by doing things for them, and I admit, by "momming" them. When I care for someone I want to care for them. But in his world, associations with caregivers are painful, where'e the catch, when will the other shoe drop kind of things.
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Guess this says something about the two versions of the golden rule - treat others how you want to be treated, vs treat others how THEY want to be treated.
That's from the book "The Five Love Languages." I have it. It rocks. It's definitely worth getting a copy of, if you want to explore it further.
ReplyDeleteSomething funny I've realized recently is that mine have changed over time, even though I didn't recognize it until just lately. I've always been more of a 'quality time' and 'physical touch' person... but I'm leaning more toward 'words of affirmation' these days. Perhaps it's because that is the one that suffers the most in your life when you spend most of your time home with little people?
The other side of it is, the thing that most irritates you is probably an indicator of your love language. Touch is definitely one of my main ones... and a major indicator of that is, I really, REALLY don't like people getting into my space (ie checkout lines), and unless I'm getting my own tank topped up, I will even get 'touched-out' by my kids.
My take on the Golden Rule is, "Do unto others before they can do it to you." Reason number 2,687 why I don't have any friends.
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