I'm tired of being alone - not alone physically, that I can deal with, but alone in my heart, and in my head.
I'm tired of "I was drunk" being an excuse for the hurtful things, mostly mental, but occasionally physical.
I'm tired of hearing what "all civilians" and "all air force wives" and "all women" are like.
I'm tired of you telling me things, but not backing them up with your actions.
I'm tired of letting you use the horrific things you saw many years ago be an excuse for you being an asshole.
I'm tired of you using "I'm broken" as an excuse, and then complaining, and rejecting it, evey time anyone offers you help.
I'm just tired ....
Saturday, February 27, 2010
6 comments:
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Honestly, I'm not sure I sure even comment on this post. It's so intense, so personal, so honest, so healthy (yea, I believe letting out one's emotions is healthy, they'll eat you up inside if you don't)yet I still feel compelled to say something here.
ReplyDeleteThis post hit very close to home because it could have been written word for freaking word....by my ex wife to me. I literally started to shake when I was reading it.
One of the reasons I try to live the kind of life I do today is because if I hadn't made some changes in the way I lived,I'd more then likely be dead today. W/out going into detail I was on a path to self-destruction and at the very least trying to drink myself to death.
I'm not suggesting that anyone referred to in this post is like me, everyone is different. I'm just pointing out that I could have gotten a statement from my ex just like this. But I never did, she kept it to herself, suffered and finally left me, that was over 5 yrs ago. If she had, it might have saved the both of us a lot of pain and heartache but she did what she had to do. And she has now found a happy place for herself, I don't hold it against her in any way.
I think it takes a boat load of guts to lay your heart on the line here. I hope you find the peace that you most certainly deserve and yea, I hope you both find it together...
What can I say, Basinah? I know the fear and frustration all too well. But hopefully you will be able to work things out and find your answers and piece when he returns.
ReplyDeleteThormoo, good for you, Bro. I hope things keep looking up for you.
Everything by thormoo and coffeepot I'll double..triple..and quadruple...and then continue......because whether or not our obsessive compulsions nearly destroy us from booze or sex......over indulgence is an emotional need.....and if that "martyrdom' is not recognized, accepted, and manipulated by constantly paying attention....we always find ourselves in the vicious circle one way or another.
ReplyDeleteIt takes far more guts to face ourselves inside out.....than it will ever take for us to face an external enemy......because all the external enemies are direct reflections of everything we fear inside..... and there will always be another 'external" waiting to take the place of the last one slain......until we stop 'purchasing the real estate".
oh, honey.... (hugs)
ReplyDeleteWhat more is there to say but that I hope you find more peace than pain on this road... and you are in my prayers.
this post makes my heart hurt. as a military wife of a war vet. I understand exactly what you mean. please know that you are not alone. you are strong. you are beautiful, inside and out. and you are worthy of so much love.
ReplyDeleteOh K... ((( positive thoughts )))
ReplyDelete