I got to see George Strait with Martina McBride in March, on his farewell "Cowboy Rides Away" tour. Good memories.
This isn't George, but it totally sums up that whole evening for me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Where to start?
I haven't written in quite a while. I lost my spark, my drive; possibly even myself for a little while. And life got busy.
In the words of my favorite 2 year old. "Ya. That happens."
I'm not going to update you on everything that has happened over the last while; I am sure it will come out in posts as it is ready to.
What am I dealing with lately?
"Moral injury is perpetrating, failing to prevent, bearing witness to, or learning about acts that transgress deeply held moral beliefs."
Ya. That happens. Unfortunately.
My heart hurts.
New job (from beginning of this year) came with a challenging co-worker. Challenging co-worker got terminated a little bit ago. Challenging co-worker, among other things, was inappropriately touching and otherwise verbally harassing our younger male contractors. Seems he had a history of doing that. At least once, to a minor.
My heart hurts.
One of the young men asked me, during a conversation, if I had not noticed certain things about the way they acted around him, precautions they now took. I hadn't.
So in addition to Momma Bear being very angry, Momma Bear was also beating herself up for not noticing; not protecting them, not stopping it.
I have *mostly* worked through it, but various other things keep coming to light that are in the ~ How could someone I know, and used to trust, do something like that? Only strangers do bad things like that. ~ family of thoughts.
He is gone; he is no longer my problem, or a threat to *my* staff/co-workers. But did he learn his lesson? Is he going to continue his behaviour somewhere new? I know its not my problem, but ... my heart hurts.
It's healing; I am trying not to carry other people's baggage. I have a really great circle of friends around me, (most of whom believe in tough love, which is what I need) and a really great team at work that are all working together to help as they can. It was really heartwarming who made offers of help after dude was canned.
It was also completely hilarious the way all the men-folk who work under my supervision treated me, for the first couple of days, like a fragile little thing that was going to burst into tears if they said the wrong thing. Sexist, but funny, and nice. Thank God they went back to normal after a few days.
In the words of my favorite 2 year old. "Ya. That happens."
I'm not going to update you on everything that has happened over the last while; I am sure it will come out in posts as it is ready to.
What am I dealing with lately?
"Moral injury is perpetrating, failing to prevent, bearing witness to, or learning about acts that transgress deeply held moral beliefs."
Ya. That happens. Unfortunately.
My heart hurts.
New job (from beginning of this year) came with a challenging co-worker. Challenging co-worker got terminated a little bit ago. Challenging co-worker, among other things, was inappropriately touching and otherwise verbally harassing our younger male contractors. Seems he had a history of doing that. At least once, to a minor.
My heart hurts.
One of the young men asked me, during a conversation, if I had not noticed certain things about the way they acted around him, precautions they now took. I hadn't.
So in addition to Momma Bear being very angry, Momma Bear was also beating herself up for not noticing; not protecting them, not stopping it.
I have *mostly* worked through it, but various other things keep coming to light that are in the ~ How could someone I know, and used to trust, do something like that? Only strangers do bad things like that. ~ family of thoughts.
He is gone; he is no longer my problem, or a threat to *my* staff/co-workers. But did he learn his lesson? Is he going to continue his behaviour somewhere new? I know its not my problem, but ... my heart hurts.
It's healing; I am trying not to carry other people's baggage. I have a really great circle of friends around me, (most of whom believe in tough love, which is what I need) and a really great team at work that are all working together to help as they can. It was really heartwarming who made offers of help after dude was canned.
It was also completely hilarious the way all the men-folk who work under my supervision treated me, for the first couple of days, like a fragile little thing that was going to burst into tears if they said the wrong thing. Sexist, but funny, and nice. Thank God they went back to normal after a few days.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I'm bitchy
(Aside - I went back and read the last few entries before I started writing tonight, and for the record, I did give Dumbass a chance to clarify what had happened, and he did, to a degree. Basically, his communication skills suck; there was more to the story than he presented, and had I had all the fact, I wouldn't have been nearly as hurt as I was. We're friends again; but I'm not pursuing anything more than that.)
About 6 moths ago, I stepped down from all the organizations I volunteer with except the Legion and the support group for families and soldiers/veterans living with PTSD and other OSI's.
I have been thinking about joining a local service group. I like what Rotary does, at least what I know of their international projects, but their meeting times totally don't work with my schedule (they meet for breakfast at 7:30, and I start work at 8:00, so .... not so useful).
A friend invited me to an information meeting about Kinettes; and when I was debating on Facebook between Kinettes and Rotary, another friend suggested Optimists. Then I spoke to someone who was involved in Lions ... Oy vey!
One of the things that concerned me about both Kinsmen/Kinettes and Lions/Lionesses is that there are separate clubs for men and women, and to be blunt - I don't tolerate groups of women well. I get along better, by and large, with men. I think this segregation by gender is a relic of previous generations. But I was willing to give it a try; I want to have information and be able to make an informed decision.
Off I went to the information meeting tonight. As I was afraid of, it was a bunch of women sitting around and behaving exactly as I would expect of the stereotype that sums up this city in which I currently find myself - judgmental exclusionary, clique-y; nattering on, all trying to be top dog (head bitch?) and generally disrespecting each other, and neighbouring cities.
Sigh.
A few of the women, like me, were sitting back not saying much; I spoke to them after and there may be some potential there. I am afraid, however, that the noisy, small minded ones will be the ones who win the day.
I think I need to find out more about Optimitsts ...
About 6 moths ago, I stepped down from all the organizations I volunteer with except the Legion and the support group for families and soldiers/veterans living with PTSD and other OSI's.
I have been thinking about joining a local service group. I like what Rotary does, at least what I know of their international projects, but their meeting times totally don't work with my schedule (they meet for breakfast at 7:30, and I start work at 8:00, so .... not so useful).
A friend invited me to an information meeting about Kinettes; and when I was debating on Facebook between Kinettes and Rotary, another friend suggested Optimists. Then I spoke to someone who was involved in Lions ... Oy vey!
One of the things that concerned me about both Kinsmen/Kinettes and Lions/Lionesses is that there are separate clubs for men and women, and to be blunt - I don't tolerate groups of women well. I get along better, by and large, with men. I think this segregation by gender is a relic of previous generations. But I was willing to give it a try; I want to have information and be able to make an informed decision.
Off I went to the information meeting tonight. As I was afraid of, it was a bunch of women sitting around and behaving exactly as I would expect of the stereotype that sums up this city in which I currently find myself - judgmental exclusionary, clique-y; nattering on, all trying to be top dog (head bitch?) and generally disrespecting each other, and neighbouring cities.
Sigh.
A few of the women, like me, were sitting back not saying much; I spoke to them after and there may be some potential there. I am afraid, however, that the noisy, small minded ones will be the ones who win the day.
I think I need to find out more about Optimitsts ...
Monday, March 4, 2013
Bright side ....
Well, if nothing else, no matter what, I don't seem to have lost my ability to believe in the best, to hope for the best.
Dumbass (formerly known as Blockhead) stood me up Friday night. *Technically* I don't know if he actually stood me up. We had dinner plans. I reconfirmed the evening before. At 1700 I hadn't heard, so I texted, and he said we were still on, but he had some things to do first ... and at 1955, he called and said he wasn't that hungry, so he was heading to get drunk with the boys, but I was welcome to come watch that happen if I so desired ... I declined.
I was very deeply hurt, and embarrassed that I had let myself get my hopes up again.
In conversation with Red this afternoon, I observed that despite my varied history, at least I hadn't lost my ability to hope for the best and to believe it was possible; or else I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
And I think that is a good thing.
Some of my friends tell me that I have to stop believing so easily; that I have to guard my heart more closely; that I have to keep myself in reserve.
I say bullshit.
I am who I am. I feel, I love, I believe, and I hope.
And damn you life, I will not let you beat that out of me!
(Dear Universe: Please note that was NOT a challenge!!)
Side note: Yes, I have written Dumbass off as a learning experience. I will not be pursuing him, or trying to clarify what happened. If he reaches out I will not be petty, but I think I have learned that particular lesson with regards to HIM. Not to mention a couple of my friends will hit me upside the head with a Buick if I do.
Side note 2: Tonight on the news they were playing clips from Homeland, and in one of the scenes they showed Mandi Patinkin's character says to his daughter "You are the smartest person and the dumbest person I know." I laughed.
Dumbass (formerly known as Blockhead) stood me up Friday night. *Technically* I don't know if he actually stood me up. We had dinner plans. I reconfirmed the evening before. At 1700 I hadn't heard, so I texted, and he said we were still on, but he had some things to do first ... and at 1955, he called and said he wasn't that hungry, so he was heading to get drunk with the boys, but I was welcome to come watch that happen if I so desired ... I declined.
I was very deeply hurt, and embarrassed that I had let myself get my hopes up again.
In conversation with Red this afternoon, I observed that despite my varied history, at least I hadn't lost my ability to hope for the best and to believe it was possible; or else I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
And I think that is a good thing.
Some of my friends tell me that I have to stop believing so easily; that I have to guard my heart more closely; that I have to keep myself in reserve.
I say bullshit.
I am who I am. I feel, I love, I believe, and I hope.
And damn you life, I will not let you beat that out of me!
(Dear Universe: Please note that was NOT a challenge!!)
Side note: Yes, I have written Dumbass off as a learning experience. I will not be pursuing him, or trying to clarify what happened. If he reaches out I will not be petty, but I think I have learned that particular lesson with regards to HIM. Not to mention a couple of my friends will hit me upside the head with a Buick if I do.
Side note 2: Tonight on the news they were playing clips from Homeland, and in one of the scenes they showed Mandi Patinkin's character says to his daughter "You are the smartest person and the dumbest person I know." I laughed.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Blockhead, and a lack of social graces
I think "the new guy" will be known as Blockhead. Mamma C gave him that name Saturday night, and I think it is going to stick.
He is an incredibly intelligent man, a very successful business man ... and, me thinks, at least mildly socially retarded. He says himself that he is an introvert, but I think it goes beyond that. I think he's socially retarded.
And I need to decide if I have the strength of self esteem to deal with that. Because even knowing that his social skills are lacking, the things he does hurt my feelings; my brain doesn't want to take them personally, but my heart and gut proceed straight to hurt.
Thursday and Friday night things between Blockhead and I seemed to be going very well. He was talkative and flirty; initiating conversations, etc. Saturday i was bar tending for a Legion event; he came by. He was in a bad mood when he got there due to some work stuff, but barely talked to me; and went back to the kitchen to help with some prep. I knew he had to leave around 7 for a family commitment; around 7 I said something to someone about him and they replied "Oh, he already left". Not even a goodbye. I was hurt, and I said something to Mamma C; she is teaching Baby Bear to say goodbye to his friends when they leave somewhere - maybe she could teach blockhead the same thing? That's when she christened him blockhead - it seems he does that all the time, and it annoys the *crap* out of her as well. So it wasn't personal, just annoying.
He is away on a business trip again for a few days. And of course, I am busy as well. We'll see when/if we get together again. If his brain works the way I suspect it does, I may just come right out and ask him if he is interested in seeing where this goes or not. I think I can do it without causing any weirdness between us. I'll gauge that, and decide.
He is an incredibly intelligent man, a very successful business man ... and, me thinks, at least mildly socially retarded. He says himself that he is an introvert, but I think it goes beyond that. I think he's socially retarded.
And I need to decide if I have the strength of self esteem to deal with that. Because even knowing that his social skills are lacking, the things he does hurt my feelings; my brain doesn't want to take them personally, but my heart and gut proceed straight to hurt.
Thursday and Friday night things between Blockhead and I seemed to be going very well. He was talkative and flirty; initiating conversations, etc. Saturday i was bar tending for a Legion event; he came by. He was in a bad mood when he got there due to some work stuff, but barely talked to me; and went back to the kitchen to help with some prep. I knew he had to leave around 7 for a family commitment; around 7 I said something to someone about him and they replied "Oh, he already left". Not even a goodbye. I was hurt, and I said something to Mamma C; she is teaching Baby Bear to say goodbye to his friends when they leave somewhere - maybe she could teach blockhead the same thing? That's when she christened him blockhead - it seems he does that all the time, and it annoys the *crap* out of her as well. So it wasn't personal, just annoying.
He is away on a business trip again for a few days. And of course, I am busy as well. We'll see when/if we get together again. If his brain works the way I suspect it does, I may just come right out and ask him if he is interested in seeing where this goes or not. I think I can do it without causing any weirdness between us. I'll gauge that, and decide.
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