I was supposed to go see S this weekend, but he is having a health issue and is on some pretty heavy meds. We decided to re-schedule for a time we could actually have some quality time, vs me "sitting and watching him drool" (his words).
I talked to him a couple of times Friday morning, and then the meds kicked in ... and I haven't had so much as a text message since.
And its killing me.
Mentally, I understand that he feels like crap, he is spending 23.5 out of 24 hours sleeping, and that's what he needs to do. I understand that he's safe in his Q, not somewhere unpleasant sleeping on a rough bunk (or in an irrigation ditch). I understand that when he feels better I get to go see him, and I don't have to wait months for that to happen.
I think it is worse because of the crap that has been going on the last few weeks, and some stress in my job too ... I was just looking so forward to seeing him in person, to feeling his arms around me, to looking in his eyes and getting a feel for how he is *really* coping with the stress. I want to be able to make it better, even just for a little while, by being there.
I have gotten so used to the regular contact through out the day, that I am really hurting with this. I am obsessively checking my phone and e-mail ... and he's in country, for heaven's sake! I honestly look back at last year, and can't find that mind set that got me through ...
I feel like such a whiner. I have friends right now who's loved ones are away on deployments, and here I am whining about a cancelled weekend. But my heart hurts.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
4 comments:
I can see from StatCounter that some of you are trying to comment, but those comments are not making it through. I was unable to comment on Blogs while using Internet Explorer; I had to switch to Google Chrome.
I love hearing your thoughts, and do publish everything that isn't spam.
If you are having trouble, you can also e-mail me: wolfandcrowblog (at) yahoo (dot) ca
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
That's because you love him and you want to be there for your baby. Don't be too hard on yourself. Send him flowers if it will make you feel better. ;)
ReplyDeleteIMO sharing your feelings isn't whining. It can get there but you're a long, long way from that place. You were looking forward to seeing him and life circumstances intervened like they sometimes do and it sucks! Most of us would feel and act the exact same way given the circumstances. Feeling disappointment is no crime, kiddo. I know you know all this....
ReplyDeletePlease be easy on yourself B...this PTSD stuff hurts you as well and you don't always have to be the bestest,strongest, most-supportive partner on the block...you're aloud to hurt too. You're in love with a combat soldier and you knew what that meant before falling for S...it means days, weeks, months...when things get like THIS. Based on the info you're passing along here on the blog...S seems to be giving you what he has right now to give...I would imagine he is using the rest on himself just like he should: to heal, to survive, to be OK. he'll be waiting for you on the other side of this Meds thing...
I know it's not your thing but I pray for the two of you everyday, without fail. I know things are tough right now for you and S but I really do believe in LOVE and really it can conquer even the most insurmountable obstacle.
Just know my friend it's not whining to miss the one you love, to be disappointed when a trip you looked forward to is cancelled. Peace and best wishes always....T
There is a huge difference in him being in Indian Territory and being on home soil. They require different feelings. Being so close and not being able to be there is a terrible thing. You are just being normal. That doesn't make it easier, but it is understandable. Encourage him to get better by sending him a pack of condoms with a not not to open until he is better and you are in his sights.
ReplyDeleteI can't add anything that your other noters haven't already said. you have my sympathy... I've been there, and it sucks :(
ReplyDelete