Mourning

So I made the phone call yesterday, the phone call to alert the proper folks to everything that had been going on in the Wolf's life lately, and to hopefully start the process to have him re-screened.  The person I spoke with on the phone was great; made sure I did not feel I was in any danger (I have been getting asked that a lot lately), made sure I didn't feel the Wolf was a danger to himself,  and then started the process rolling to get the re-assessment done.  The individual on the phone agreed that the Wolf should definitely not be DAG'd green at this point.

The person on the other end of the phone line also spent a lot of time trying to convince me not to beat myself up over leaving it this long to call.  There have been a number of other things that have happened over the last few months that should have been warning signs, things that I have not written about here.  I should have made this call 2 months ago.

I drove 2 hours home from my parent's place today. I have always loved driving, I do some of my best thinking while driving.  I have processed a lot in the last 24 hours.

I am not sure why I left it so long to make this call.  Part of it was denial - I didn't want to believe it was really as bad as it was.  Some of the comments the Wolf had made, I convinced myself he had been making in jest.   The same comments that I didn't really admit out loud to anyone until yesterday.

I also think part of it is I know the man he was, the man that I still believe is buried under there somewhere.  The man that would only be joking if he said the things he said.  The man that would recognize that he is in over his head and ask for help.  That he would be strong enough to do what needed to be done, so I didn't have to.

Part of me just feels that I am weak; that I wasn't strong enough or good enough; and I have failed him, and myself, by my inaction.


I spent a good part of this morning's drive back in tears.  Of course, I analyzed my tears.  They are not tears of regret; neither regret for doing what I did, nor regret for waiting so long - I feel bad about that, but not to the point of wasting tears.  I did what I did, based on my mind and instincts at the time, and it cannot be undone.

No, I was crying tears of mourning.  Mourning for the man I knew, who if he is still there, is buried down so deep I don't know if he can come back.  Part of me is desperately afraid that my dear friend, the man I loved, my Wolf has died; that he will never come back.