Nervous.

Today is Sunday; and Friday morning I fly out to see the Wolf for 10 days before he goes "away on business" for the next 10 or so months.

I should be excited, shouldn't I?

But instead, today, I find myself apprehensive. Nervous. Scared.

Part of it is that we haven't talked much over the last couple of weeks. He went from sitting in a hotel room, nominally on pre-deployment work up, bored out of his skull, to crazy busy trying to fit everything in, because the wonderful people who run these things couldn't organize their way out of a paper bag. So we didn't talk for a week because he had no time or access, and since he's been home we have only talked twice, very short, because he is a) still a bit time fucked and b) grumpy as a bear with a sore tooth.


I have read all the wonderful pre-deployment literature the MFRC sends out. I know all the "phases" and the things that they call "normal". Sometimes I wonder if I have read so much that I am now tilting at windmills; seeing things they told me to expect, even if they aren't really there.


Block leave back in July didn't go well, partly because of the influence of the Wolf's mom, who winds him up, and partly because of some other news that we were wresting with at the time, which has since resolved as "not as scary". I had told him all along that I wanted to come out for one more visit before he deploys. He was OK with that all along. I want some normal, happy memories.


Now don't get me wrong, we had some good times while he was home in July; I have two amazing pictures his sister in law took of us together, one laughing, one kissing. I have them beside my bed, and I say goodnight and good morning to him every day through those pictures. There are many other good memories, over the course of 24 years of friendship, and what it has now evolved into!



I am trying not to build myself up to expect something perfect while I am out this time; but in turn I think I have worked myself into expecting something horrid. A little tiny part of my brain is afraid I am coming home single. The Wolf doesn't understand why I am willing to put up with him, and this crazy life style, and thinks I would be better off with someone with a "normal" job (ya, since that has worked so well for me in the past!). It would not be unthinkable for him to try to "scare me away" because he thinks it is in my best interests.


I am sure the pendulum will swing a couple more times before he actually goes away; I am also sure that the first few months he is away will make the worst PMS seem like a Roman Holiday.


Of course, if I bring any of this up with him, he just gets angry, and doesn't understand "why {I} am so insecure". *sigh* He also hates the folks at the MFRC (in general, not mine specifically) and will tell me to stay away from them and not believe anything they tell me. Which I am not going to do. I have made a couple of connections there, although not at strong or helpful as the connections I have made on-line (and you know who you are!)


Words of advice, or donations of alcohol, are welcome.
(Joking on the alcohol. That has never worked as a problem solver for me - I'm too much of a control freak)