Loneliness

Beverly Clark (J. Lo): We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'. Shall We Dance, (2004) 

To feel alone is worse than to be hated.  A least if people hate you, they are thinking of you, you matter to them in some way.

To feel so inconsequential that you don't think anyone even thinks about you, like you don't matter to anyone, is worse.

I do agree that is the one need we all have in relationships - to know that we occur to the other person.

I am feeling a bit alone tonight.  

I had a wonderful breakfast with some friends.  I have no reason to feel alone or lonely.  It doesn't make sense, and sounds petty and childish and stupid when I try to put it into words.  But I am still feeling it.

My closest friends have wonderful, full lives, with partners and children and outside commitments, etc., etc.  I call them from time to time, to see how they are doing, what is new.  If they ask me how I am I am honest - sometimes I am up, and sometimes I am not.  I do talk about the Wolf, and the reality of this life.  I don't know if they think I am one track and boring, or if they think I am whining, but they rarely if ever call me.  Maybe they think of me, but are too busy to call.  I think of them way more often than I actually get to picking up the phone.  The more haunting possibility is that they are so busy with their own lives, that I don't even occur to them.


Both more and less hurtful, the Wolf is often the same lately.  He rarely initiates contact, and sometimes doesn't respond when I do.  I have explained to him that a simple "I am grumpy/busy/whatever" is much better than ignoring me, and that being ignored hurts, but it doesn't seem to do any good.  I can't imagine what is going on in his head right now (as much as the MFRC literature tries to explain it); but really, does it make basic decency go out the window?  I just want to know he thinks about me, that I pop into his head sometimes.  He thinks I should take that for granted, and doesn't understand why I need reassurance.