Two sides of me

I like, and have always identified with, the idea of the "omega" wolf as presented in Patricia Brigg's mythos. In short the Omega wolf, while often seen as a submissive, will fight when their back is against the wall, fight to defend the ones they care about (although often take abuse themselves) and most significantly, exert a calming influence on those around them. Their seemingly submissive nature often draws abuse from those who seek to secure their own position by dominating others, but also draws out the protective influence of the truly powerful.

When I was with Sebastian on this last visit, he challenged me to think about why it is that I need to please people in my personal life, to smooth things over and to avoid conflict. 


In my professional life I am stong, assertive, confident, and not afraid at all to make waves.


When I was teaching martial arts, or in the ring, I am also confident, strong, outgoing, and assertive.  I once had a senior black belt look at me with awe after a fight and remark that "when you get backed into a corner, you are a whole different fighter ... you are downright scary".  He meant it as a compliment.


Why then, in my personal life, in anything associated with "home", do I turn into this weak, nervous, maleable peacemaker?


S challenged me that there must be one defining incident in my past that led to this, and that if I can find the incident, then I can start to deal with it.  I am not sure I agree with that; I think, for me, it was a systematic training, re-inforced by some specific incidents, some more painful than others.

(Note: S was not criticizing this trait of mine, he was just challenging me to think about it, as I do sometimes let myself get pushed into doing things I really don't want to do, or letting things happen that bother me)


Giving small credit to astrological influences (I have a Virgo ascendant - the peacemaker) I was conditioned early on to keep the peace.  My mother is volatile.  In discussions with my therapist, his opinion is that due to circumstances in her own life, my mom was never actually able to "mother" me, and instead needed me to "mother" her, a role that I was ill suited for as a child, but grew into as a young adult.  (And was, at times, challenged by the fact that my moon sign is Taurus, the bull ...)

So with my mother I learned not to challenge her when she wanted me to do something, or act in a way that my gut told me was wrong, because I knew if I resisted, or spoke up, she would make my life miserable.  I learned to anticipate, and to look after things before they needed to be mentioned, to pro-actively make sure everything rolled along smoothly.

Post 1995ish, interactions with the Wolf were the same; and if I am honest I have chosen to be with a number of other men who were also the same.  If I anticipate things, and deal with them or smooth them over before they become triggers, my life will be less painful.

There were a couple of incidents with the Wolf towards the end that, in retrospect, made this painfully clear; things I put up with at the time, but am ashamed to admit to, even now, even here.  Maybe some day I will be able to share them, but at this point they are still too painful, too embarassing.

I have started claiming my own voice and my own feelings again lately, in small ways, with people I feel safe with (once with S on this last visit, a few times with TW, and others) and it not only feels good, I have gotten positive re-inforcement from the situations when I do it.  The people I am now surrounding myself with do not lash out if I stand up for myself; they realize that different does not mean bad.