Confession

I was confirmed into the Catholic faith many years ago, by my own choice.  I was faithful in attendance at church, and at the classes that taught me about my chosen faith and the commitment I was about to make.  I learned as much as I could, and read everything I could get my hands on.  There were parts of the doctrine I didn't fully agree with, but I loved the sense of community in my little lakeside church; I took comfort in the ritual.  I sang in the choir, I read on Sundays when they needed me; I served with the women's group to give comfort at funerals.


When I moved away from the lakeshore, from the community that had initially welcomed me, I would attend church in whatever community I found myself in, for the first few weeks, but I never felt that same sense of welcome.  I rarely attend church now, unless I am visiting my best friend, who's hubs happens to be a pastor. 


My beliefs are not as rigid either; I follow a much broader path that would, I am sure, be deemed heresy but the Catholic church official governance.


This ramble is just to give some context to something that drifted through my head last night as I was falling asleep after a very long day.  I was thinking about the comfort in ritual, and the sacrament of reconciliation (commonly called 'confession').  Contrary to popular derision from non-Catholics, the sacrament of reconciliation is not a carte blanche to mis-behave, not a "magic wand" that lets you go out and be bad again until next time.  No, you honestly have to be sorry for what you have done, and truly intend to not do it any more.


So looking back at the last week, what am I sorry for?  This is what came into my have-asleep, free wandering brain:

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  It's been years since my last confession.
I have been playing God.  I have been thinking that I can control things again, instead of accepting what is.  This is the source of my pain.  I've been blaming myself for the actions and reactions of others.  I've been trying to figure out how to fix things that are not mine to fix.

I am sorry for my attitude, and I truly do want to change ...