This isn't going to seem like much to most of you, but it is huge to me, so I am documenting it here.
I am leaving tomorrow to spend the weekend with S, and I didn't have a meltdown leading up to it.
You see, I have a bit of baggage. OK, I have a lost of baggage, but I have a specific piece tied to visits.
If you remember (or for those of you who weren't around then), back in 2009 I was supposed to fly out on a Friday to go see the Wolf off to A'stan ... and he called me on Monday night of that same week and told me not to come; that our relationship was over; that he didnt love me; and in fact he never had, it had been the booze talking.
So to date, every single time I have been heading off to see Sebastian, 3 or 4 days before hand I convince myself he is going to call and tell me he doesn't want me to come, that he doesn't enjoy my company, that he never did he just felt sorry for me, and would I please leave him alone now.
Today I was running a few errands after work and it occurred to me ~ I didn't have my meltdown this time. I am *trying* not to psycho-analyze meself too much over this, but, I can't help wondering: is it because I have grown more confident in my own worth, more comfortable with our relationship as it is, more trusting of him ... or am I getting burnt out and numb again and not caring? Is the "black dog" hovering in the wings? Am I heading for a crash?
Time will tell. I really hope this means I have turned a corner in the way I see myself, and the world, and that I truly am starting to put the past behind me.
Thanks for listening. ♥
Thursday, August 18, 2011
1 comment:
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Healing and developing trust take time...you two have been open and honest about where you are at in this relationship, really right from the very beginning. It seems like you both have gone out of your way to respect the other persons situation as well...That doesn't make it suddenly all easy but I think it mat account for the fact that you are now a bit more comfortable with the way things are now. Good for you...Have fun!
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