prompted, in part, by this post over at SpouseBUZZ.
There is no shame in admitting you can't handle something. There is only shame in continuing to pretend you can.
Years ago I lived with a guy that my friends now refer to as Eeyore. While I was living with Eeyore, a medical condition I have flared up, aggravated by some intense stress at work. It was an effort for me to drag myself through my day at work; by the time I got home I had very little energy left.
Now my relationship with Eeyore was challenged to begin with. He was not fond of household chores, like dishes, laundry, vaacuuming, shoveling, cutting the lawn ... pretty much anything. So most of this fell to me. (He did cook, and was a very good cook.) Once I got sick, a lot of this started to fall behind, and he really wasn't interested in pitching in to help out. I even went as far as buying a dishwasher, and it was still a struggle to get him to help out.
Once I started to recover, I had a talk with Eeyore. I asked him if, next time I got sick, I could count on him being there. He thought, and after a while looked up, looked me in the eyes, and said "No". It broke his heart to have to say it, to admit it to himself, but he was honest.
Some of my friends were very angry at him for his decision, but I defended him. I think it took more strength of charachter for him to be honest and admit his weakness than it would have for him to try to live up to the expectations of others. And had I thought I could count on him, only to find out the hard way I couldn't, would have been bad.
I think the same thing applies to the military lifestyle, and the military family lifestyle. Is it hard. It does suck sometimes. There are many, many challenges.
The same goes for anyone in a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD or any other MI.
It is not for every body. And there is no shame in admitting that it in not something you can, or want to, handle for the rest of your life.
And it is not something anyone else has the right to judge you for deciding.
I have more respect for a woman who admits she can't handle it than for someone who says she can so people "look up" to her, then uses extra-marital affairs, drugs, or other coping methods, or cries every night until she falls apart, because she is afraid of the judgement of others. Or someone who places herself or her children in danger because society expects her to "stand by her man".
Not everyone thrives in every situation. We are unique individuals, and we should respect that in each other.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
4 comments:
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And respected you are. I have many friends who made careers in the service, mostly Navy, and were gone many, many months at a time. I have posted many times, the true heroes in any war are the families at home. The women (for the most part) are let to raise the family, pay the bills, make the hard decisions and worry about the status of there loved one while he is off playing his military games. Although he is in danger, he feels more comfortable about his situation than those at home because he is there and living it. Those at home only have their fears and imagination to deal with. And the women who live and stick with the returning vet with PTSD is a hero, too. There should be a medal for the wives and mothers who have to deal with being alone while their loved one is in harms way or work with him when he returns. So, don’t doubt for a minute that you are not respected by me.
ReplyDeleteIF the dude had a brain, he would have bought paper plates.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better myself!!
ReplyDeleteVery true. Honesty and self-awareness are seemingly rare attributes these days. And without them we can labour away at something that will never bring us true joy because it is not where our strengths lie.
ReplyDelete