I told myself that I would be happy with any contact, just to know he was OK, and that he was thinking of me. Now that I have had my contact, however, I find myself wanting more. I want interaction. I want him to say he misses me. I want more.
I tell myself that I will be patient; that this is a big change for him. I tell myself that as he settles in, he will go back to his old self; that as he establishes a routine we can maybe schedule some "MSN Dates" where we can chat.
I tell myself I am strong enough to get through this, but today I don't feel strong enough.
I had lunch with the leader of our local Family Support Group. I was telling her about a shirt I had seen on Cafe Press that said something along the lines of "Husband Deployed: Approach With Caution". (She thinks we should get a set for the whole group). I said that when I first saw them I kinda blew them off, but now I understand the emotion much better!
I know when I get these feelings they don't generally last longer than about 24 hours. But when you are in the middle of them, they feel like they will last for the rest of your life.
I am strong enough. I will get through this. I will not live my life around whether or not I have had contact that day; I will not let this deployment control my emotions. It will be part of my life, but it will not be my life.
Yes, you will get through it - you're a fighter.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, even as a newbie to this life, I felt almost let down after first contact from hubby. Even after lots of "I love you"s and "I miss you"s, I was still down. Had a good cry, even... because while I was so glad to hear from him, I really just wanted to be WITH him, and the phone call made it oh, so real that he was gone.
(((hugs)))
I know exactly what you mean about wanting more contact. I am lucky and get to speak to DM on the phone almost every day, but it's a short call and while he emails, his emails are usually two sentences, max. It's driving me crazy. I would love to receive an email (or a letter, but that's just crazy talk) in which he actually describes how he's feeling or what he's seeing or what the food is like - anything. But I am relieved that we get to talk at all. I do have down days, especially when out of contact for a few days, but I'll get there, just as you will.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I think it is a BIG positive to have the email. I know it wasn't as personal as you would like, but on the positive, you got an email *happy dance*. I know what it's like though, sometimes even just a quick email or phone call drives me batty because 1) I want more and 2) as much as I love it, it messes with my routine (and I'm a creature of habit). I think you said it perfectly when you said it will not BE your life. . . you understand that, and that is a very awesome thing. *hugs*
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